


Always When You Need It the Most There is a Song

by Es_Aitch



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Amy and Rory appear in Chapter 5 only, F/M, Me appears in Chapter 25 only, Missy appears in Chapter 19-30, Nardole starts at Chapter 28, rating increased for chapters 6 and 15 and 27
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-09
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2018-05-12 17:18:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 35
Words: 138,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5674216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Es_Aitch/pseuds/Es_Aitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post-“Husbands of River Song” fic.  Because so many ideas….</p><p>This is an epic-long fic and deals with a lot of the Doctor's issues that are presented in canon (IE: he doesn't like touch this go, what 4.5 billion years of torture did to his mind, River not being human nor Time Lord, etc.)  Updates are not regular due to my work schedule, but it will be finished eventually.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The Doctor hated the pleading tone he heard in River’s voice when she told him that he always found a way to save her and that she expected him to do the same now. She put so much faith in him – far more than he deserved. But more, he hated it because it forced him to face the simple fact that he was her one weakness. She was right about him: he could never return that level of devotion to her. He had lived far too long, been through too much. Gallifrey wasn’t even a weakness for him now.

After several weeks of fighting with the TARDIS, he had learned enough about Clara to understand all that had happened. It wasn’t the same as remembering it, of course, but it was enough to get him by – so that he could understand for himself all that he had done. He still couldn’t remember what she had said to him in the cloisters, but through the information the TARDIS provided, he could guess a thing or two. That was why he was able to repeat words similar to the Dream-Danny about everything being ‘Last Christmas’, because while he couldn’t remember it, he now had the knowledge. He knew a thing or two about lying to himself and to others. The truth, in the end was painful. Even if it didn’t hurt quite as badly as if he actually had the memories, he knew how hard the truth could be.

River knew him far too well. She knew him well enough to know that his hatred of endings meant that he could never properly understand what ‘Happily ever after’ means. So, it was time to play their little game of imagery to talk about themselves. He agreed with her that a monolith couldn’t love someone back. But that’s not really what he meant. He meant that he knew that River, and really so many of his companions, held certain expectations about ‘love’ that he could never meet. He couldn’t meet them because he wasn’t human. He didn’t have the same concept of such things as they did. So the metaphor of the monolith was appropriate.

He started by explaining how long the towers had been there and all that they must have faced in that time. He was talking about himself, of course. Though, millions of years at this point for him, was billions. Then, there were two of them and the music. He hoped River would understand that he wasn’t only talking about the towers when he talked about how the distance between the monoliths played a part in creating the music. But even if she didn’t understand it, he had to tell her how he saw her, in his own way. “When the wind stands fair and the night is perfect, when you least expect it, but always when you need it the most, there is a Song.”

That was how he saw their relationship. Whenever he had least expected her, but always when he needed her the most, she was there. It’s just too bad that now he’s ahead of her in their timeline. He knew that would happen eventually, but it is a strange thing to be stood on the balcony experiencing it. At least the difference in their timelines wasn’t as vast as he was expecting. Especially when she didn’t recognise him.

It was a relief when he did not have to hide his secret any longer. River asked how long a night on Darillium lasted and he offered his smug little smile, just as she had said he would. He leaned down slightly, if only so he didn’t have to speak loudly and he whispered the answer, “Twenty-four years.”

It was worth it to see her reaction. He had to hold in his chuckle when she said she hated him.

She moved closer to him after that, resting one of her arms across his back. He looked down at her and she looked at him. Somehow, she realised that everything he had said, while exaggerated, was also very much who he was in this body. He wasn’t one to find kissing interesting and hand-holding was to happen only in certain circumstances.

And yet.   He had asked her what she thought of his body. Vastra had been right about him. He only wanted to be accepted. As he was: whatever body or personality he happened to have.

They looked at each other and both ignored the towers for the monoliths stood next to them. He finally offered a very slight nod, a reply to the unasked question in River’s eyes. Yes, the next twenty-four years would be linear time and he would be there to share them with her. “But first… Dinner.”

He gestured behind them. While they had been having their conversation about the Towers, the table had been laid for their meal.

He offered his arm so he could escort her to her seat. Then he helped her with her chair. He could be a gentleman when he wanted to. Besides, he wanted to show her he wasn’t opposed to all kinds of touch.

Once he was sat in the seat across from her they both tucked into their meals. River stopped mid-bite and placed her free hand on her chest. “The diamond.”

The Doctor very pointedly focused on his plate.

“Doctor? What did you do with it?”

“What does it matter? You got paid.”

“I was planning to return it to them…”

He just gave her a long look. “And I gave it to someone who would ensure it’s prompt return. River, you’ve had time enough to research Darillium. What do you know of the restaurant?”

“It was built by a man who tried to rescue…. _You_! You gave him the diamond!”

He shrugged and gestured around them. “I think it was a sound investment. And everyone got what they wanted.”

River offered a flirty little smile. “Did they, now? I don’t think you have yet, but I’m certain I can fix that.”

The Doctor quirked an eyebrow. “Look under your chair.”

River looked confused at what seemed like a drastic change in topic. “Under my chair?”

He nodded and made a small gesture.

She sighed and did as she was told. She held up a book. It had a velvety maroon cover and the inside had a red silk lining – just like the jacket he wore when they first met – only twelve or so hours ago. The pages were blank. It was a diary. She looked up at him, confused. “What is this?”

He offered a small smile. “I told you not to worry.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Of course you don’t. This time… is ours. Yours and mine. This me. We’re off the pages of the other diary I gave to you for the next twenty-four years. But, I figured you’d be so used to cataloguing our adventures by now that you’d need something.”

He didn’t tell her that he planned for this diary to be left with him. Because a part of him always regretted leaving her diary behind, even though he knew he had to.

River’s eyes again glistened with unshed tears. “You don’t have to make up for all of the time we’ve spent apart at once. What will we do for the next twenty-four years?”

His smile broadened a little. “Oh, I’ve barely started.”

The irony that he had last uttered those words in anger and hatred wasn’t lost on him.

River smiled in return. “Best be careful, a girl could get used to being showered with gifts.”

He looked back down at his meal, intent on finishing it. His reply was soft. “I hope so.”

Because he planned to show her just how much he cared for and admired her. He only hoped it would be enough. Maybe after they spent enough time together he would learn how to express ‘love.’ That would take time, this he could do right now.

“It’s lovely. Thank you.”

He nodded and then started to eat again. After a few moments when he realised she hadn’t started again, he gestured to her plate. “Not to rush you, but really, eat. I didn’t park in the best location. And you were unconscious for longer than I’d like.”

River’s flirty smile returned. “Oh? Do you plan to give me a thorough examination?”

“If the TARDIS deems it necessary.”

That was a deflection if River had ever heard one. But, given everything she had learned about this incarnation of the Doctor, she knew it was best to not dwell on it.

They finished their meal with light conversation. Mostly it was River updating him on what had happened since Manhattan. And although she tried to hide it, the Doctor could hear the pain in her voice. She missed her parents. As well she should. When she couldn’t have the Doctor, she had always had them. It made him regret not trying to find her.

Finally, they returned to the TARDIS. The Doctor set some coordinates to get her out of the foyer. Then he gestured to one of the doors. “Medbay.”

“Doctor, is this really necessary? I’m fine. If I were suffering a concussion or anything I would have had more symptoms by now.”

He just gave her a pointed look.

She sighed, but acquiesced. She sat on one of the beds and slid out of her feathery shawl as seductively as she could. The Doctor didn’t seem to notice at all. She should know better. Noticing such things was never his forte, no matter the body he was in.

Once he was ready, he came over to her and performed the scans. He looked at the results the TARDIS displayed on the screen. He nodded to himself. “You’ll be fine. Might have some bruises and be a bit sore tomorrow…”

“Doctor, just how much fun are we planning to have tonight?”

He raised an eyebrow. “I think we’ve had enough fun for one day.”

River didn’t push harder. “Right. Your turn.”

He frowned. “’My turn?’”

River nodded. “You were tossed around just as much.”

“I’m less breakable.”

His frown deepened when he said that. He could have sworn he had this conversation before with someone…

River noticed that the Doctor seemed lost in his own world, so she gently cupped his cheek and quietly spoke his name. “Doctor?”

…Must have been Clara. But someone is touching him and saying his name. He doesn’t startle, but he opens his eyes to find River. He gestures to the scanner. “Go ahead.”

Because he knew this was a losing battle.

River scanned him and found that his ability of rapid healing had again worked. She gave a nod of acceptance. Then she grinned with a tiny sparkle in her eye. “You’re _fine_.” She paused for a brief moment before continuing, “But you asked me what I thought of your body and I’ve still only seen your face.”

She reached out to try to capture the edges of his tie and he captured her hands in his. “Not here….”

She let out a sigh, but she tried to not sounds disappointed. “We landed, so where are we?”

He smiled at that. “Clever. We’re home, if you want to be.”

Again that phrase seemed familiar somehow.

River smiled in return and they made their way out of the TARDIS.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special dedication to [Jayne_hats_are_cool](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jayne_hats_are_cool/pseuds/Jayne_hats_are_cool) and [ChiefDoctor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChiefDoctor/pseuds/ChiefDoctor) who took the time to comment on Chapter 1 and encourage me to continue. I hope you like it!

The TARDIS was parked in what appeared to be a backyard. It looked just like a little garden shed, but she had an almost a pleased look to her. Or at the very least, she looked comfortable.

The house was typical for Darillium: built into the gently rolling hills of the area, round windows and doors. Actually, looked a bit like homes described in _The Hobbit_ and River briefly wondered if the Doctor had ever brought Tolkien here. It also made for a stark contrast to the ‘touristy’ area near the towers. That area was covered in square, metal and glass, and very tall buildings. This area felt more natural to the environment, especially after hearing the song of the Towers. Well, you can take the girl away from the archaeology, but you can’t take the archaeology out of the girl.

The Doctor led River down the path to the front door of their abode. He pulled out a key and then unlocked the door to let her enter. On first glance, she found some things from the TARDIS had been moved into their home. Her favourite reading chair and the sofa they liked to lounge on in front of the fire – which was in front of the fireplace – was in the sitting room. Further in, she saw the kitchen table, where she and her mother had a few of their late-night conversations, the few times their timelines had allowed for such on the TARDIS.

She smirked. The Doctor was a sentimental idiot and she loved him for it. “You’ve been busy.”

He shrugged. “I told you, you were unconscious for a long time.”

“I would think I would have heard the ruckus of people moving furniture around.”

“Oh, the TARDIS helped with that. Really it was easy once she left everything piled in the house.”

“So you cheated.”

“River, we’re time travellers, you could say that about everything we do.”

There was no heat from either of them. Both were playful teasing each other.

“Well, go on, make yourself at home. I did what I could for your clothes, jewellery and such, but you never left much on the TARDIS.”

She smiled again. “Well, I appreciate the effort. Besides, as you pointed out, I have enough funds to get anything I might need or want.”

With that she continued to make her way through the house. It was quaint in her opinion. Of course, she was used to the size of the TARDIS when she was with the Doctor. Off from the sitting room, there was a small alcove that served as a bit of a library, and off the other side was a small loo. Further into the house were the kitchen, three bedrooms, and two separate office spaces. One of the bedrooms was clearly the ‘master’ that had an en suit bathroom. The other two bedrooms were joined with a bathroom between them. When she peeked into the office spaces, it was clear that the Doctor had already taken over one of them, so she knew the other would be hers.

After her exploration, she came back to the kitchen where the Doctor had prepared some tea for the two of them. He offered a hesitant smile. “So what do you think?”

“It’s perfect. But why three bedrooms?”

He waited for her to sit down before he replied. “Well, I thought we might have guests over from time to time. It would be nice to let them have a place to sleep.”

“ _Three_ , Doctor.”

He took a long sip of his tea and then answered hesitantly. “Neither of us are used to linear time. I just thought there might be times we might need our own space, without leaving the planet or resorting to the TARDIS.”

“So a bedroom for me, one for you, and one for us to share.”

He shrugged, suddenly all confidence was gone. “It was just an idea.”

She reached across the table to take his hand. “I think it’s a good idea, especially as we get to know each other again.”

Several expressions crossed the Doctor’s features in rapid succession: confusion morphed into wonder, which transitioned quickly into hope, and finally rested at acceptance. He gave a gentle squeeze to her hand. “Oh, River Song, how could I have ever let you believe that I don’t admire you.”

Well, he did love her, but that word held too many meanings and was quite convoluted across different species. But admire. She had said she never expected him to admire her. And with baby steps into these twenty-four years, he could tell her that much right now.

River tried to release his hand from hers, but he kept hold of it. She’s the one who has always been in charge of the relationship. She’s always been ahead of him. Even when their timelines were starting to sync, she had been ahead of him. But now? She knew she couldn’t be ahead. He had a face she didn’t know about. She tilted her head and relaxed her hand in his again. “How long as it been for you?”

The Doctor replied softly, “I don’t answer that question anymore.”

River frowned. “But I’m your wife. I’d like to know how…”

The expression he gave her stopped her mid-sentence. It wasn’t anger or frustration that was in his eyes. It was pain laced with something akin to exhaustion.

“Oh, Sweetie, what happened?”

He swallowed thickly as he wrapped his free hand around her hand that he was already holding. “I promise to tell you. But it’s a long story and we’ve both had a long day.”

He can’t start that story right now. And if he’s honest, he’s a bit terrified of the nightmares it will cause should he start talking about it.

River’s expression grew concerned, but she could tell this was something she couldn’t press. Not right now. She brought her free hand and placed it on top of the pile of hands. “Well, since you went through all the effort, I best set about to enjoying what you’ve done.”

He gave her a nod and released her hand, bringing his own into his lap. “The master bath has the bigger tub, if you want to soak for a bit. Which, I’d recommend after everything that’s happened.”

She stood slowly and as she walked around the table, she let her fingers glide seductively along it.

“Well, I’ll be sure to leave the door open, in case I need to call out for help.”

She brought her hand to rest on his shoulder. She was pleased to note that he didn’t tense. She had partly expected him to. Before she could release his shoulder, he took her hand and gave it a small squeeze. “Unless it involves an alien attack or technology, not sure I’d be much help.”

River only smirked, then leaned down to whisper in his ear. “Well, darling, on _this_ planet _we’re_ the aliens.”

He chuckled softly in return and released her hand. That was good for both of them. Not everything had changed during their time apart. Some things had remained the same even after his regeneration.

While River was bathing, the Doctor cleared up the tea. He even washed the mugs and set them on the rack to dry. The last time he had done domestic… Proper, staying off of the TARDIS domestic, he had been in his tenth body, stranded with Martha in 1969. That body was rubbish at domestic. As much as he didn’t mind all the ‘touchy-feely’ stuff, he couldn’t even manage fetching coffee. And his eleventh incarnation had asked little Amelia Pond to cook for him rather than cooking for himself. That was because he actually couldn’t even boil water in that body.

This time around, maybe it was the personality, but he suspected it more had to do with the fact that Clara wasn’t with him on the TARDIS full-time, he had to relearn how to fend for himself. Anyway, the point was: he could do domestic pretty well now. He even could cook. And being Scottish, he had discovered, he could do a mean fry-up when he wanted. Of course those lessons with Julia Child were floating around somewhere in that big head of his, all he had to do was tap into them. When cooking just for himself, that was hardly necessary.

After he cleaned up from tea, he decided to change into more comfortable clothes. He had showered earlier before he changed into his suit. He pulled on a t-shirt and sweat pants. While he hung his suit up, he debated where he would sleep that night. Should he sleep in ‘their room’? It had its pros and cons. Top of the pro list was that he knew it would make River happy. Even if they didn’t touch the whole night, he knew she would appreciate having him next to her. Top of the con list was he had no idea how the recent events of his life would manifest themselves.

Thinking of sleeping off the TARDIS was scary enough. On more than one occasion since he’d gotten the TARDIS back, he had fallen asleep in his bedroom, only to wake up in a room that was entirely devoid of anything. One time, it had been a padded room. All the TARDIS would tell him was that she wanted to keep him safe. So, he was fairly certain he had some kind of post-traumatic stress disorder. And after being locked in a castle for four point five billion years where the only touch of another he received had caused his death over two hundred million times, would anyone blame him for having such issues?

He hoped not. But, that didn’t matter. The fact that the TARDIS only cared for him without actually explaining anything to him was enough to tell him she was worried about him. And if the TARDIS was that worried, well…

He wanted to ensure River’s safety. But he didn’t want River to feel rejected. ‘New Body; New Rules’ had been an easy enough excuse in the past. But this was his wife, who already believed that he didn’t love her. He supposed he could lie in the bed next to her without actually sleeping. He could probably even do that for a couple of days. Maybe he could send River away during the day and he could go take catnaps on the TARDIS so that everyone would be safe.

Marriage is about compromise. But was this about compromise, or about hiding? He wasn’t sure yet. And of course the only way to find out was to try it.

He went to the small library he had accumulated and grabbed a book before making his way to their room. He sat on both sides of the bed to try to choose which one would be best for him.

It didn’t seem like too much longer when River came out of the bathroom. She was in a silk full-length nightgown, purple in colour that she felt showed off her best attributes. She smiled seeing the Doctor on their bed. Seeing that smile, the Doctor decided he had made the right decision.

River made her way to the free side of the bed and climbed in. She peeked over his shoulder, but she didn’t have the energy for translating Gallifreyan. She lie there quiet for a few moments. “So, a night lasts twenty-four years on Darillium.”

The Doctor smirked. “River, do I really have to explain to you how different planets rotate and have different…”

There was a light smack on his arm. “You know what I mean.”

He turned his head to look at her and found her much closer than he expected. He gasped softly. River chuckled. “Gasping already, I haven’t even touched you yet.”

There was a promise in her voice that made him a little uncomfortable. Maybe he wasn’t as ready for this as he thought. Instead, he set his book on the table, turned on his side to face her, and reached out a hand to take one of hers. He had a question he wanted answered. While he had a tendency to avoid talking about things as long as he could, he also knew the value of talking about things. And if they were going to make a proper go of the next twenty-four years, he wasn’t about to let it fester.

He wasn’t sure how to approach it. So, he decided to use her language. “You were wrong… About the sunsets and stars.” He gestured to the view out the window. “They do admire us. Not always in ways we can understand or appreciate, but they do.” He looked down at their joined hands and spoke without realising he had spoken aloud. “I do.”

“I told you I was buying time.”

He gave a gentle shake of his head. “I might have believed that, if not for the scan.”

“I have no conscience and I lie for a living…”

The Doctor gently brought a finger to her lips. She sighed and nodded, accepting what this wasn’t a time for pretending to be something she wasn’t. But he had offered her a chance to use the analogies she had. She too gestured to the twilight sky. “Why would something as extraordinary as the stars ever admire something as small as me?”

The Doctor’s expressions morphed from surprise that River didn’t know how amazing she was, to regret that she would ask the same questions he does, to a moment of self-hatred, since that is always burning just below the surface, to resolve. That one thing he was sure she needed to hear and he could say. 

“Because you are Professor River Song.” He released her hand so that he could cup her cheek. “You had so much stolen from you over the course of your life and you grew up only to steal it all back.”

He wasn’t just talking about artefacts, or her personal history. He was talking about himself. All the times he couldn’t be with her, or that she couldn’t be with him. She was raised to kill him and yet here they were sharing a bed.  

In that moment, River was reminded why the Doctor was ‘the man with words.’ His words could bring entire armies to their knees and right now, they were bringing tears to her eyes. She felt the Doctor’s thumb caress her cheek, probably wiping a tear away before she could notice it fall. “I’m tiny. A blip…”

The Doctor continued, interrupting her, because he needed her to understand this. “Those who see themselves as tiny know more than the monoliths and sunsets and stars. They know how beautiful and precious life is because they are witness to all the little changes. Monoliths withstand the elements, wars, and time. But, it takes millions of years for them to see the changes that the tiny see every moment.”

River no longer cared if this body of the Doctor’s didn’t like touch. She didn’t want to run, but she needed to hide. So, she curled closer to him, resting her head on his chest over one of his hearts. She noticed that he didn’t tense; in fact, he wrapped his arms around her and held her. Sometimes the two of them communicated better with their actions.

They were silent like that for some minutes. Finally, when River was certain of her voice, she turned her head a bit so she could look the Doctor in the eyes. “Doctor, I forgive you.”

She felt his heartbeat stutter and noticed that he was about to protest. She placed one finger on his lips to stop him. “I. Forgive. You.”

She just looked at him for a long time. She decided not to expand on what she meant. She would let him interpret that however he wanted. She watched his features as so many emotions fluttered across them. One tear escaped, making it’s way down his cheek before she had a chance to catch it. He looked down at her and smiled at her with such affection, she nearly gasped from the power of it.

When he spoke, his words were barely above a whisper. “Thank you, Melody Pond.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter got away from me a bit, but I wanted to contain everything from that first night into one chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor has issues... So. Many. Issues. They come out in weird ways. But he's a sentimental idiot and wants to start on the right foot. So he tries...
> 
> * * *

Those first few weeks they spent relaxing. Or more accurately, they worked on adjusting to relaxing. River slept quite a bit. Sometimes she slept with the Doctor next to her, sometimes without. Now that the planet was in perpetual darkness, it wasn’t hard to sleep frequently.

The Doctor’s plan of staying awake while she slept had the added benefit of watching River sleep. Through that, he discovered that she too was haunted by nightmares. Though she didn’t sleepwalk. He just had to be careful with how he woke her. He knew she could kill him before she knew what had happened, given the chance. Since he wasn’t sleeping, he was always at the ready for anything her nightmares might throw at him.

For himself, he slept on the TARDIS, mostly. But only for about seventy-five minutes at a go. The several weeks on repeat for four point five billion years in the Confession Dial had ingrained some pretty bad habits. The longest amount of time he could ever get was eighty-two minutes. And he never let himself sleep longer than seventy-five. So, that habit continued. In fact, if he was very quiet and still, he noticed a part of his body was always ticking the seconds. Either his foot tapping, a finger tapping, listening to his heartsbeat. Very subtly, but constantly, he was keeping track of the eighty-two minutes. For sleeping purposes, seventy-five minutes worked well enough. It was long enough for him to be able to function and short enough that, so far, River had not shown signs of suspicion.

What River had shown was that she was trying to get his attention. Which never quite worked. This body in particular just couldn’t comprehend even something as drastic as changing clothes. One time, River came in wearing a strategically placed feather boa, high-heeled shoes, and nothing else. He was reading and when he finally realised that she was stood in front of him wearing that, he frowned. “You've got…. How is it even.... never mind. I don't want to know.”

He didn’t notice River’s face fall at his reaction, since he had already returned to reading his book. He wasn’t trying to be cruel. He just didn’t care about such things with this body. Given what River had said about his compliment at the start of their Christmas dinner, he thought she understood that. Maybe she thought he could learn to change, but this was one thing that never would – at least not in this body. He was grateful that she hadn’t yet pressed the issue of physical intimacy. A peck on the cheek or lips, a hug, or holding hands – always initiated by her – seemed to be enough. Well, except when she did things like this. Still, unless they had to talk about it, he was fine with just letting it be.

Ironically, this body felt Time Lordy. So many things about how Time Lords did things made sense to him because he could now feel it in his body. Even though he wouldn’t want to stay long on Gallifrey, when he had been there, everything about his body made sense in a way it hadn’t anywhere else. He wondered if that was because of the new set of regenerations the Time Lords gave him. But things about Gallifrey made sense too. The fact that Time Lords never quite returned to procreating through sex after Pythia's curse was lifted, even though most of the rest of Gallifrey had, made some sense to him now.

All of that aside, he and River were together. On the Slow Path and they had yet to kill each other or swan off in the TARDIS. They both seemed committed to trying to make this work, even though in many respects it was against both of their natures. They took it in turns when it came to cooking and cleaning. It was domestic, but never boring. They would take walks to explore the planet and shop as needed. Doing all those normal things he tried to do when he travelled, before all the screaming and dying happened. The fact that screaming and dying weren’t happening was actually a pleasant change.

One day, the Doctor was pretending to read a book. Instead, he was watching River. He watched her for close to an hour and a half. She finally came to stand in front of him. “While I appreciate being admired from afar, we could try talking to each other.”

The Doctor marked his place and set the book aside. He furrowed his brows and gestured to the space between them. “We talk all the time.”

She shook her head. “Not really, we don’t share our stories.”

His frown deepened. “Because our stories aren’t for telling. They were lived and we moved on.”

“Doctor, you have an unfair advantage. You travelled with my parents. You were probably around when I was conceived. You know everything possible about me. I want to know about you!”

“You do. You’ve done all your research on me.”

“Yes, I have. But then you went and erased yourself from history. Do you have any idea how hard it is to learn about your husband when the universe doesn’t know he existed?”

He just stared at her for a long moment. He knew this was one of those defining conversations. He wanted to get it ‘right’. He still wasn’t ready to offer physical affections – he might never be – but this he could do. Decision made, he stood up and gestured to the kitchen. “Over tea, then.”

River was shocked. She honestly hadn’t expected him to give in so easily. She followed him to the kitchen and thought about what questions she wanted to ask as he prepared tea for both of them. It didn’t take long before they were seated around the table.

The Doctor spoke softly, “What do you want to know?” He held up a finger. “Be specific. ‘Everything’ is an awful lot.”

River sipped her tea and nodded her understanding. “Tell me about when you were little. Tell me about your young academy days, after your initiation. How you grew into the Time Lord known as ‘The Doctor’.”

Well, he was glad River didn’t ask him about his family. That was a complex issue. She wasn’t asking him for general things of Gallifrey. By how she phrased the question, she showed that she knew how the academy worked; at least in broad strokes. He sighed heavily and told her the story. "I wasn't well liked in school. Most people thought it was because of my grades. I traditional education never sat well with me. They didn't understand that I didn't care about any of that, simply because I was more interested in applying my knowledge, rather than just regurgitating it. Even then, I didn't think it right that Time Lords just sat there in the Citadel all day long, looking down over the universe, sworn to never interfere. There was so much destruction, so much unrest in the universe, how could they do nothing when they had all that knowledge?"

He shrugged. He was a renegade to a fault. "I ran with a few students. We were all renegades in the end. Though, back then, the Master and the Rani were just dear friends. We'd play games all over the Academy and get into forbidden parts of the Citadel. I got lost in the Cloisters once. Disappeared for four days. When I got out, I was in a completely different part of the city. The Sliders - they were the guardians of the Cloisters. They talked to me and showed me the secret passage out. Good thing, too. Came in handy recen...."

He shook his head. He didn’t want to talk about recent events. Not yet. They were still too raw.

River offered a smile as he talked about how even from his earliest days he was someone who wanted to help and protect the Universe. “So, you were always a bit of a hero.”

He raised an eyebrow at that. “Or a delinquent. Whatever.”

She smiled bigger as she took a sip of her tea. “The Cloisters. I know of the Cloister Bell on the TARDIS, so is it just a place with all kinds of bells?”

"It's where the Matrix is kept.”

River nodded, she knew about the Matrix. “Where all Time Lords' minds are uploaded upon their final death. Basically the biggest database in history."

The existence of the Matrix was why the Doctor was able to piece together where CAL had saved everyone in the Library and how to return them again. Ultimately, it was how he knew he could save River. Not that he could tell her any of that.

The Doctor decided to expand some of River’s knowledge. He knew it couldn’t be easy for her to find information. And he was a ‘primary source’. So, why not? "The Cloisters is the physical structure that holds the Matrix. It can predict the future, generate prophecies out of algorithms, ring the Cloister Bells - which is no different than a TARDIS Cloister Bell – to signal danger. The Sliders, they're projected from inside the Matrix itself. Basically, the Cloisters hold the Matrix and some of the people uploaded into the Matrix guard the Cloisters."

He hoped she didn't make him dumb it down any further. It hurt when he had to do that.

River smiled when he looked at her. “So, Rassilon with all his hunger for immortality found a way to make it happen, at least in one sense.”

The Doctor looked up at River and smiled. Properly. She understood. “You _have_ been doing your research.”

She shrugged with a smirk. “Archaeologist.”

The Doctor swallowed thickly before dropping the next bit of information. "Gallifrey isn't gone, River. I..."

He hung his head in shame. So much of everything that had happened since he ended the Time War is his fault because he had the arrogance to show everyone he could save Gallifrey. Contrary to Clara thought. He had gone back and actually changed time. It wasn’t until after he regenerated that he remembered clues: how many species had he encountered who knew of the destruction of Gallifrey and Skaro. The Master even knew how the War had ended: everything burning, the use of _The Moment._

River reached across the table to take his hand when she noticed he was getting caught up in his thoughts. She was glad when he didn’t pull back. “You said ‘a Thing happened’ for you to get this face. Is this related?”

He allowed for her touch for a minute or two, but at her question, he took his hand back. He doesn’t deserve comfort for the things that he did.

"Many things happened.” He went quiet for a moment, and then finally decided to tell her. “I found a way to save Gallifrey. Usually, the same TARDIS can't occupy the same space at the same time…”

River interrupted just as quietly, “Or it causes a Time Ram. And that could rip a hole in the fabric of reality.”

The Doctor nodded. “But... I had thirteen of the Old Girl. Thirteen of me. And I had several hundred years to think about how to save it. I figured I could freeze it in a moment of time, tucked away in a pocket Universe. Safe and hidden from everyone. Then I wouldn’t have to…"

He swallowed thickly and stopped for a few moments. River didn’t interrupt, for which he was grateful. It allowed him to continue when he was ready. "Except. There was no time lock formed this time. So while the Daleks around Gallifrey succeeded in destroying each other, Skaro and the other Daleks survived. I had always cursed them. The fact that they survived, that they continued to return time and again. I never once thought that they survived because I had a stupid moment of weak selfishness."

And that's not even the worst part of the story, as far as he’s concerned. He hated himself for having changed history. It was supposed to ease the guilt. It didn't. It just changed the kind of guilt he felt.

River wanted to comfort him, but she had no idea how to do it. “I don’t care what you think your reasons are for doing it. By changing history, you saved billions of lives. You couldn’t have known the Daleks would survive because of this. Sweetie, they’re Daleks. If there’s one thing they do, it’s survive.”

He had too much nervous energy. He stood up so he could pace. "But it _is_ my fault! Just as it had been my fault that Gallifrey was destroyed when I used _The Moment_! How many times did I say it was a trade-off? The Time Lords and the Daleks or the Whole of Creation? Now the universe suffers because I was selfish and weak!"

By saying that, he realised just how frayed and tired he was from everything that had happened recently. And this story… this was ancient history to him – billions of years in his past in one sense. He hadn’t even intended to tell this part. Not today. Right now, all of his many emotions were manifesting as anger because he thought he deserved to be punished for the crime of changing what he had promised himself he never would. The Confession Dial didn’t count as punishment. That had been a torture chamber.

He sank to his knees. It was more graceful than just collapsing. It was because he simply couldn’t stand any more. The weight of such things was far too much to bear. River slid out of her chair and moved to where he was. She debated touching him, since he seemed to be apprehensive about touch in this body, but she slowly reached out a hand and rested it on his shoulder. When he didn’t tense, she brought the other arm around him, enveloping him into a hug from behind.

She was quiet for a long moment, just holding him. Because what can anyone say in the face of that? Finally she spoke, quietly into his ear. “Our first night here, I told you I forgive you. But I look at you now, with a face I never could have expected to see. And I’d like to think that the Universe forgives you too.”

His eyebrows knit together in confusion. "Can that be true? Could it be that this time we have is Its way of saying that?" He can't quite believe it. "I can't forgive myself for the things I've done, what gives It the right to?"

River held him a bit tighter at his protest. “No one gets to decide when they're forgiven, Doctor, let alone whether or not they deserve it. Look at you. You gave me forgiveness even as I was about to kill you. I couldn’t accept it, but that didn't stop you from giving it."

He shrugged to try to deflect her statement. "I knew I'd find a way to stop you." 

He said it casually, like saying 'water is wet.' It was simply a fact for him.

But River wanted him to understand. “Doctor, I’ve seen you grant forgiveness to so many people over the years, whether or not they deserved it. There are countless stories of what your forgiveness has done for others. And then, you did that for _me_. Why is it so hard for you to accept it in return?”

The Doctor sighed heavily. “Because of what happened next.”

River remained quiet to let him finish. She just held him; content to offer him any comfort he would accept. When he didn’t continue, she quietly prompted. “What happened?”

"They came back. Found a way to get Gallifrey out of the pocket it had been hidden. I don’t know how. I didn’t ask.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out his Confession Dial. He held it out for her. "They trapped me in that."

He had no idea if she knew what it was.

"Is that a confession dial?" She relapsed one arm from holding him, took the dial, turned it over, then back, while examining it. "I've only seen sketches. And those were theoretical at best. But no matter how hard I searched, I couldn’t find any information on how they worked."

“I didn’t know either, until I was inside of it… Even then, it took me awhile to piece it together. The dial is meant as a ritual act of purification. It allows a dying Time Lord to face his demons and make his peace, before his mind is uploaded to the Matrix.”

River even though she had only been with this version of the Doctor a few weeks, some things never changed. She still understood all the things he didn’t say. "You said, ‘They trapped you inside of it.’ So what was the point? To torment you? Get information?"

The Doctor quirked his lips. It was a comfort that River understood so much. He didn’t have to explain every detail. "Information. But, you know me. Once I figured out where I was and what was happening, I knew better than to tell them anything. Just had to hang in there a bit before I could figure a way out without giving them the information they wanted."

She smiled a little with a hint of pride. She’d grown long past the hating him for being the wizard in fairy tales. "Of course you did. There's always a way out. How long did it take?"

He blinked hard and his body convulsed involuntarily as some of the memories came flooding back. But he knew River would press him on this issue, just as Clara had. Better to answer, then. His voice was barely audible. "Four point five billion years."

He tried to get out of her embrace. He wanted to cower in the corner. One of the few things he knew was that Clara hadn’t taken to that answer so well.

At the Doctor’s answer, everything seemed to move in slow motion for River. The confession dial slipped from her fingers and it clattered to the floor, the sound echoed around the kitchen. He flinched again at that sound.

River stared at her husband and realised that he would bury himself in a hole if he could. "I knew you were older. Something in your eyes and your avoidance of..."

That wasn’t fair. He had told her he didn’t answer that question and now she understood why. She moved to be more to his side than behind him and gently used a finger under his chin to get him to look at her. If she knew her husband, there was more to his story. "What was so important that you had to keep that secret from them?”

He didn’t shrink away from her touch but nor did he give in to it. He shook his head at River's question. "They killed her. My friend. Clara. I had 'Duty of Care' and I didn't protect her well enough. Not from them. It was a trade-off. If I kept the secret and made them think I had the information they wanted, then I knew I could make them bring her back. Saving her was more important than anything."

"’Was’…" River repeated the word. Past tense. Something happened. Something went terribly wrong with his plan, whatever the plan had been. "...Did you… have to destroy Gallifrey again?"

He didn’t move. Her touch grounded him and he was grateful for it. But he refused to accept comfort from it beyond that. "I killed a man. A general. Unarmed. He was on his tenth regeneration."

He hung his head. Since River had moved, she could see that his expression of shame had returned along with a healthy dose of self-hatred. He didn’t want to tell that part of the story, so he skipped over it. "I had them use an extraction chamber to bring her back. It worked. But they weren't going to let her stay. So, I stole a neural block, thinking if I erased her memory, she would be safe..." He took a shuddering breath. "But, she reversed it. Changed it from human to Time Lord. And it erased her from my memory instead."

He didn’t sound as bothered by that as perhaps he might be normally. He had accepted his fate. He reached up to pat her arm, since it was still hugging from behind. The pat was the only sign of acceptance. He went quiet for a long moment. "They extracted her at the end of her timeline. Between one heartbeat and her last. I couldn't get it started again. She was frozen in time."

Beyond that, he didn't know anything, not really. "We had stolen a TARDIS. And last time I saw her, she left my TARDIS and I behind." He shrugged. “I don't know where she is...”

River was quiet for a long moment, but something bothered her about his story. “You said the neural block … you had erased her from your memory. But you seem to know a lot of the story…”

"I can't remember her, River. I was able to reconstruct things around the missing pieces. The TARDIS helped. It's like looking at pictures of someone else's life. I have pieced the information together, but..." He tapered off and tapped the side of his head as he shrugged in defeat.

River spoke quietly, "There are Clara-shaped holes all over your memory. You get around it, but it's never the same. There’s no emotional memory"

The Doctor nodded, unable to reply further right now. She gave him an empathetic half-smile as she brushed her thumb against his cheek. He frowned, realising the whole story that he wanted to keep from her had just spilled out of him. He covered his face with his hands and took a breath trying to quell the panic that rose with the thought.

River misinterpreted his reaction. "Do you want to find her?"

He still couldn’t look at her. "I went too far. I killed an unarmed man in cold blood..."

He sighed heavily and had to force himself to look at her. He lowered his hands from his face. "I told you on the balcony: Every night is the last night for something. Times end, because they have to. And I think my time with her is over."

When he moved his hand to look at her, she returned her hand to his cheek. "That may be true, but it doesn't make it easier."

He sat there in silence and River was at a loss for what to do. Normally she could quip something, but… He gasped and covered his mouth. “Oh, here I am going on and on… and you… Manhattan…”

River put a finger to his lips. “Doctor, stop. Whatever you’re about to say, just stop right now. We can’t compare our losses. Besides, I know I have one last visit with them. I haven’t given them the manuscript yet.” She paused and offered a wistful smile. “I guess neither of us likes endings.”

The expression he gave her was that sad look he had when she had been ranting about the fact that she didn't think he loved her. This was the same thing. He waited to speak until she lowered her finger. He tilted his head and looked at her. Or maybe looked through to her soul. "You still think that I can't possibly love you."

She shook her head. "I know you can - that you do. Somehow. You said as much on the bridge of that ship and every day since we’ve arrived here." She swallowed thickly. "I...worry."

He reached up and removed her hand from the side of his face and lowered it to cup it in both of his. "I told you not to."

“You're clearly trying to deal with these things. I now know how painful they are and I want to help. I don't know what you need, but I would do anything to make this better for you.”

Her words sank in a little and he moved swiftly to pull her into a proper hug. "I don't know what I need either." He hated this because it was just who he is and the universe always seemed to work against him when it comes to things like this. "All I know is I don't want to hurt you any more."

The hug silenced her doubts and questions for a moment. If they are going to make the most of their time together, she needed to enjoy what he was capable of offering her. Slowly she wrapped her arms around him, and her chin rested upon his shoulder. "I don't want to hurt you, either."

"You never have."

She will, through her death, but that's in her future. And maybe these twenty-four years will give him enough time that it won't hurt as much when he has to send her on that path.


	4. Chapter 4

The Doctor had shared with River more than he had intended so early in their time together. He hadn’t gone into details, so, she didn’t know what had happened in his Dial, nor everything that had happened on Gallifrey. Surprisingly, she didn’t press. He was grateful for that. He knew her insatiable curiosity would get the better of her, but for now, he could just – be. He was worried that sharing the story would trigger a reaction, so he was being even more diligent of his sleeping habits.

And yet. He was starting to get used to her with this body. They would occasionally cuddle, even if he refused to call it that. And under no circumstances would the word ‘canoodle’ describe anything he would do. But that was only because that was a word used to describe the behaviour of others. Not him. Not the Doctor. Just like he was not ‘adorable’ nor did he ever do anything ‘romantic’, even though River used those words more and more in reference to him.

Needless to say, he enjoyed holding River in his arms. Feeling the weight of her next to him, or on top of him as she would lie across him. He enjoyed running his fingers through her hair or along her spine. He would never consider himself tactile in this body, but it didn’t seem so bad with River. Even kissing had started to happen on occasion. Perhaps it was because they were married. Maybe because he remembered all they had done when he had been in his last body.

Anything more intimate had yet to happen. River hadn’t overtly pressed the issue, but he could tell she wanted to. He felt guilty for not telling her how different everything was for him. But a part of him hoped she understood that it was taking time and he was trying.

One night, as they were in bed together, River was draped across his chest, and his left hand was gently stroking along her spine. Well, not stroking. His mind wasn’t exactly focused on what was going on. He was thinking about too many things. Absently, he was ‘fingering’ different melodies. Similar to the neck of his guitar, he moved his fingers along her spine as the different motifs flittered through his mind.

Suddenly, River giggled, which distracted him from his thoughts. He lowered his chin in an effort to look at her. “All right?”

Her smile could be heard in her tone. “Fine. But what are you doing?”

“Doing?”

“With your fingers along my spine. It tickles.”

He hadn’t even realised he had been doing anything. “Oh… Erm… Air guitar?”

River adjusted herself slightly so she could look at him. “’Air Guitar’?”

The Doctor nodded. “I can play guitar in this body.”

“Oh, Sweetie, you’ve been holding out on me!”

He shrugged. “I didn’t know if you’d be interested or not.”

She sat up a little so she could look at him properly. “It’s a part of _you_! Of course I’m interested! What kind do you play?”

He now had to look up at her and he smiled. “Electric. I mostly play it when I need to think. Which is why I hadn’t mentioned it.”

There was that time when he was stranded in America after he’d left Gallifrey, but performing then had been out of necessity.

“I’d love to hear you play sometime. It’s got to be better than the recorder or the spoons.”

“Oi!” At first he was offended, but then he realised it meant she had met those hims. He pulled a face. “When did you…?”

She put a finger to his lips and whispered, “Spoilers.”

He thought he was ahead of her in their timeline, but clearly she still had a few surprises up her sleeve.

A moment later, River removed her finger from his lips, leaned forward, and placed a gentle, but just past chaste kiss to his lips. He didn’t tense, but when she pulled back, she could see a sense of discomfort across his features. She tilted her head and considered him. Then she smiled. “I have an idea.”

He groaned playfully. “Usually your ideas involve a lot of running and screaming.”

That made her smile brighten. “Yes, which is why you love them. But this time, my idea is all about _you_.”

He pulled a confused expression. She had pity on him. “I know you’re not comfortable with touch in this body. And I know it bothers you and you’re worried about how that might affect me.” She noticed him shift slightly, but she wasn't going to let him stop her this time. “But, you’ve also gotten much better about it in the past couple of weeks. I just think this will help you move to the next step.”

He nodded. “I’m listening.”

“This body is just as new to me. So, what if we get to know it together?”

He frowned in confusion. “I don’t understand.”

“Well, it’s like this…” She reached up and gently traced along his neckline. While studying it intently, she noticed two small scars that looked like puncture wounds. “You have the scars from two puncture wounds on your neck. Did that come with the body or did something happen to you?”

“I had a run-in with Colony Sarff. Snake nest in a dress. One of them bit me to knock me unconscious.”

River hummed. “There, you see? Not so bad.”

The Doctor nodded. That… that was good. And it would let River learn some things about him without making him feel like he’s sharing too much too soon. So he allowed her to trace and ask questions about his new body. Both of them were dressed for bed and River made no attempt to undress him. He felt River was being more patient with him than he deserved. But each time he tried to mention it, she just reminded him that twenty-four years linear time could get to be very long if they rushed everything. At one point, she gave him a playful smirk. “You have no idea how much fun this is for me.”

River accepted him. Totally and completely. Wounds, wrinkles, hesitancies, and all. Which was something he honestly hadn’t expected. He saw himself as unworthy of such acceptance. Which, if he were honest, was probably part of the reason he felt so stressed about linear time with her. She gave him so much, expecting nothing in return and he didn’t feel he could give her much – if anything.

But this? This he could do. River was learning a bit of his body – or as much as he could allow right now – and a bit about his past too. It was more relaxing than he expected. She would touch a part of him, find something she could focus on, ask a question about it, and he would answer. Currently, she was focused on his left hand and the callouses on his fingertips. “I do want to hear you play sometime. Not tonight, of course, as I’m quite well entertained at the moment. Did the callouses come with the new body?”

The Doctor smirked. “They came with this body. Though, several people have tried to teach me guitar over the years. Janis Joplin, David Crosby, Jimmy Page…”

“Show-off. Now you’re just name-dropping.”

He shrugged and offered a playful smile. “Well, when you have names to drop…”

River rolled her eyes. “I walked right into that one, didn’t I?”

He nodded. “Pretty much.”

She refocused on his left hand and was manipulating his hand as she saw fit for examination purposes. Then she came to the ring. She had been hesitant to ask about it. She traced it fondly. “What does it mean? Your ring?”

“It’s a symbol. A reminder. Of all those I carry with me as I go forward. Companions, friends… and family.” He gave her a pointed look. She’s a part of that. If she ever pressed, he might admit that he’s sentimental enough to wear it on his left hand for her. “But more importantly, it reminds me that love isn’t an emotion; it’s a promise.”

River looked up at him with a bit of surprise. “Really?”

He rolled his eyes. “That I can be a sentimental idiot? Yes, really.”

He didn’t particularly like having to admit that, but she’s his wife, if she hadn’t already figured it out, she would soon enough. And, unlike the events that led to so many leaving him, the ring was indeed a promise; it was something positive and joyful for him. It was a way to ease the pain that had dragged him down so much when he was in his tenth and eleventh bodies.

River watched him carefully; it was as if she could see all of his thoughts reflected on his features. She looked back down at the ring, lifted his hand towards her lips, and kissed the ring. “There is nothing wrong with that, my love.”

She then rested her head back on his chest over one of his hearts and he wrapped his arms around her again. And for the first time since he escaped his Dial, the Doctor fell asleep with his arms wrapped around River as they lie in their bed.

The Doctor had managed to sleep most of the night. Oh, he had still awakened every seventy-five minutes, but the comforting weight of River being in his arms – whether on top of him or next to him – was enough to lull him back to sleep each time.

Of course, now that he was awake, he thought about everything. It was strange. He had expected it to take more than a few weeks for him to adjust. Perhaps that’s a testament to River as a person and what she meant to him that it hadn’t taken longer. As far as he could tell, he hadn’t had any nightmares since they had been on Darillium, even when he slept in the TARDIS. Or perhaps he’s not as adjusted as he feels right now. Still, he would take what he could get.

River hummed in her sleep. It was the sort of hum that he already recognised as one that she made just before or just as she was waking up. Pity. This morning had been quite pleasant. Not that watching River wake wasn’t. But he had slept last night, so he hadn’t had the opportunity to watch her sleep all night. He had hoped to do a bit of that.  He had grown used to doing it.

River hummed again and slowly cracked one eye open. She knew he would be awake before her. He always woke before her. Her voice was still heavy with sleep, but she spoke anyway. “Why do you do that?”

The Doctor frowned. “Do what?”

River extended a hand and rested it on his chest. She then used one finger to tap out a steady rhythm. “It’s like you’re keeping track of time or something.”

She didn’t mention that she had felt him wake several times overnight. She suspected the two events were related, but she didn’t want to press him too hard. Sharing all he had a week ago had caused him to distance himself from her and the renewed closeness was pleasant.

The Doctor shifted slightly. He wasn’t surprised she had picked up on it. He was just surprised he was still doing it. Well, after billions of years, he supposed it was only right. He sighed softly. “Get up and take care of what you need to do, I’ll go throw something together for breakfast and we’ll meet back here.”

He made no promise about telling her. So either breakfast in bed would distract her, or at least he would feel comfortable enough to tell her. He might even tell her the whole story of his time in the Dial.

He hadn’t promised a large breakfast. It was rather simple, but he wanted enough in case they talked for a long time. While the water was boiling, he went into the other loo to take care of his own needs. Once everything was ready, he put it on a tray, and carried it back to the bedroom.

River had already returned to bed, but had propped the pillows against the headboard so they could lean against them. She had opened the blinds enough so they could look out into the deep dark night and see the stars.

The Doctor carefully placed the tray on the bed and then climbed into bed next to her. They quietly prepared their muffins and coffee as they wanted and took a couple of bites before either said anything. River was watching him now; he could feel it. After a minute or so she gestured to his foot. His toes were slightly flexing – keeping time. “You do it all the time, don’t you? You’re keeping track of time for some reason.”

He turned his head so he could look at his brilliant wife. But he tried to deflect the question. “Time Lord, I always keep track of time.”

She shook her head. “Years and events, yes. But this is different. This is at a microscopic level by comparison. You’re tracking _seconds_.”

He refocused on his plate of food. “Well, minutes. But seconds make up minutes, so….”

She knew what he was trying to do and she didn’t want to press him too hard. She tilted her head and considered him. “Would it be easier if I asked questions or just let you tell your story?”

He shrugged. “I honestly don’t know. But I hazard to say nothing’s easy about it.”

River nodded her understanding and quietly continued to eat, trying to give him his space without giving him a chance to avoid the topic completely. He was quiet himself for several minutes until he finally began.

“People don’t know much about the workings of a Confession Dial for one very obvious reason: you’re usually dying when you use it. Based on what I experienced, it’s probably different for everyone. Whether by design of the Time Lords or myself,” he tapped his temple, “I found mine to be a bespoke torture chamber. It was a huge castle. But it felt more like an automated haunted house. A mechanical maze.”

River offered a faint grin. “You must have loved that.”

He nodded. “At first. But there was a creature, designed after a nightmare from my childhood. It never spoke. It was simply coming after me. And I knew, without consciously thinking about it, I knew that if the creature got me, it would kill me. It moved slowly, so I just had to stay ahead of it.”

He took a long sip of his coffee and then set it down before continuing. “I accidentally confessed to the creature that I was afraid of dying. It made the creature stop and then the entire castle moved. Rooms that had previously been closed off to me, opened. When I had time to think about it, I realised that the creature and castle were directly linked. It wasn’t until later that I realised that it had stopped because I had made a confession. I started to suspect where I was, but there was no way for me to confirm it. From then, I just had to stay far enough ahead of the creature.”

River reached out a hand to cover the hand he was even now using to count out the seconds. Her voice was quiet, so as not to break into the story, but to contribute her understanding. “So, you started to count.”

He looked down, at their hands and realised what she meant. He sighed heavily. “And apparently never stopped.”

River shrugged a little. “Over four billion years, I can imagine it would be a hard habit to break.”

He huffed a sardonic chuckle. “The maximum amount of time I could ever get was eighty-two minutes. So I would allow myself to sleep for seventy-five minutes, when I needed sleep. It would give me enough time to stay ahead of the creature.”

A part of River didn’t want to ask her next question, but the other part of her felt like she needed to know. Not just because of morbid curiosity, but because this was her husband and she worried about him. She knew she could never help him if she didn’t have the full story. “Did it ever get you?”

The Doctor tensed and his entire demeanour changed. That answered River’s question well enough. She removed her hand from him, now afraid that touching him might cause him too much pain. “Oh, Sweetie…”

The Doctor shook his head once to stop whatever it was she was about to say. He had told her this much. And it had been easier than he had expected. He could tell her the hard part too.

“I eventually discovered the way out: It was a wall twenty feet thick made of Azbantium.”

He knew he wouldn’t have to tell her anything additional about the mineral. “So, my options were limited. I could confess something about the information they wanted from me – but I was quickly running out of confessions – and hope that would work or I could give up.”

River sat forward a little to try to catch his eye so he would look at her. “That’s not like you.”

He shook his head. “No, it’s not. I found the third option: break through. Everything wears down given enough time.” Now he took her hand, because he needed her support to tell the next part. And he wanted to remind her that he was all right, as he said it. “So, I started to punch it. Trying to beat my way through it. But, the creature was fairly close, so I hadn’t gotten many punches in before it killed me.”

River was confused. “Doctor, you’re…”

He squeezed her hand to silence her. “It burned me, River. So severely that I couldn’t have regenerated. I estimated that I had about a day and a half to live. Knowing where the teleport chamber was, knowing that the castle had the ability to reset any changes I made to it, I knew that if I could get the teleport to work, I could release the version of me that was still stored there. I just had to make it back to the chamber before…”

He broke off. Before he died, of course, went unsaid. River used her free hand to swipe at the tear that was sliding down her cheek. “Why do I get the feeling that it gets worse?”

His lips twitched. Yes, she knew him too well. “The teleport needed a jump-start. All you need for energy is something to burn… I was dying anyway. And it was the only way.”

River had more than a few tears sliding down her cheeks now. She reached over and pulled him into her arms. It wasn’t quite a hug, because of their positions, he only moved closer to her side. “Oh, my love, my love.” She did the math in her head. “So you died over two hundred billion times?”

The Doctor shrugged and spoke from her shoulder, where his head had come to rest. “Give or take.”

Her voice broke under the weight of that thought. “Doc-tor….”

“I know.”

She shook her head. “No. I mean, you were trapped in that place alone and the only touch you received… led to your…”

She couldn’t say it. He was dealing with this better than she was. He nodded. She cleared her throat. “It’s a wonder you let anyone touch you ever.”

Even as she spoke those words, she realised she was holding him and made to let go. The Doctor felt her about to move and raised his hands to cover hers, so that she wouldn’t. “Please just… don’t. Just let me have this for a minute.”

He needed this comfort; just for a moment. He needed touch that didn’t cause pain and would mean that everything might be okay – sometime.

River would gladly give him as much time as he needed. Now that she understood it wasn’t her that he was trying to hide from, she could wait for anything. He clearly wasn’t bothered by all kinds of touch. Last night and the way she was holding him now was proof of that. He would just need time. As long as he stayed with her, she could give him that.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> River and the Doctor visit Amy and Rory (and Anthony) one last time.

A few ‘days’ later, the Doctor was tinkering in his workroom. River came in slowly, but with a set determination. She hadn’t wanted to do this so soon in their time together. In fact, a part of her had wanted to put it off as long as possible. But she had seen the subtle changes in the Doctor since he had finished telling her his story. He seemed to be more at peace and comfortable. Clearly, another barrier between them had lowered. She wanted something like that for herself. Having seen the Doctor go through those changes, she realised that the only way to get it would be to face what she had been putting off.

“Doctor… I’m ready.”

He finished soldering whatever bob he had been working on, took off his magnifying specs, and turned to face her. “River, while I _can_ read minds, touch is still required. So, do you want to tell me what you’re talking about?”

She smiled warmly at him. But it wavered slightly a moment later. “I’m ready to see Mother and Father.”

“And?” The Doctor elongated the word, because he was confused why she would tell him this. After all, she had stolen his TARDIS how many times? Why would she tell him this? She could just take the TARDIS and go.

She arced an eyebrow. “Do you want to come with me?”

So many emotions crossed the Doctor’s features and he tried to valiantly hide the pain. He got up and moved past River. He wanted to run away from all of this. She had been there for his pain and agony the past several weeks, and he hadn’t done anything for hers.

He didn’t run far. He sat on the couch in front of the fireplace. There was a small fire and the gentle glow was soothing the raw edges of the emotions the Doctor felt.

River was hurt when the Doctor left her standing there. His reaction now was no different than when the Angel had first taken her parents. That hurt. She thought he would react differently now, since he had been through so much. But she supposed little would change for him where her mother was concerned.

“River?”

His voice startled her from her thoughts; she turned and walked to the sitting room.

He was sat on the couch, leaning forward, his elbows propped on his knees and his chin resting against his clasped hands. He used his eyes to look at her and then moved them to the space next to him. “Join me?”

She swallowed thickly, but did as she was asked. Both were silent for a few minutes. Then the Doctor finally spoke as he stared into the fire. “I need to apologise.”

“Doctor, it’s fine, really.”

“River, please, just let me do this.” He took a breath and started again. “You lost your parents and I was focused on losing Amy. I let myself get emotional and I should have been paying attention to you. You were focused on your parents and ensuring their happiness. And Amy…” He hiccuped, trying to keep enough control of his emotions that he could continue to speak. “Amy put you in charge of me.”

He finally turned enough to look at her. “No one was thinking about you.”

“I said it’s all right.”

He smirked sardonically. “’All right’ is Time Lord code for ‘really not all right at all.’ A friend told me that once.”

River thought about it for a moment and responded with a small smirk of her own. “I want to hear about that friend sometime. But for now, you’re right. I’m not all right. But I understand. And I don’t hold it against you.”

“River…”

“No! You had your say, now it’s my turn.”

He nodded and closed his mouth.

River reached out and took one of his hands in both of hers. “Some day I might tell you what I remember of what happened to me when I was with Kovarian and the Silence. But you need to know this: what I did for mother and father, I did because they needed each other more than they needed either of us. They are the closest example I have of love or marriage and I couldn’t bear the thought of them being separated anymore than they already had been. Sometimes, Doctor, letting go and saying goodbye is the best we can offer.”

“But it hurt you…”

River nodded. “It still does. And before you feel any more guilt about mother’s last words to me, she knew what she was doing. You had such an affinity for calling me a psychopath in your last body, but I’m not when I’m with you. Well… Not as much, anyway. You make me better. She knew that. She wanted the best for me and giving you to me was the best she could do at the time.”

His voice cracked this time; he was so filled with emotion. “Ri-ver.” He swallowed thickly so he could speak properly. “That is one thing I got very wrong when I was him. It just took me awhile to realise it. You still call yourself a psychopath and that’s my fault. But you’re not. Because no psychopath could show the amount of love and care that you do.”

“I married the _diamond_.”

He nodded and offered a small smile. “Because you were already married to me. But fine. How about ‘Recovering Psychopath’?”

She smiled at his question. Because she loved how he – this him – tried to fix anything he considered he had done wrong before. She couldn’t quite argue with the ‘married to me’ statement and went quiet for a long moment. “So, back to the original question: Do you want to come with me?”

He placed his free hand on top of the pile of hands. “Will it make it easier or harder for you to have me there?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, I could come with and if you change your mind about having me there, I could just stay in the TARDIS.”

“In the _TARDIS_? I though you said it there were too many paradoxes, that going back there would….”

He cut her off by putting a finger gently on her lips. “If we had gone back just then, yes. And we won’t be able to bring them back. They will need to live out their lives at that time, but travelling to them… I think we can do. Are you sure you’re ready?”

“I don’t think I’ve ever been sure about anything in my life.”

He smirked fondly. “Good, I don’t like being sure about things. The second you’re sure about something, you realise that maybe you shouldn’t have been as sure as you were.”

River chuckled softly. “Fair enough. I suppose I should go get ready, then.”

“Just don’t ask me to judge how you look.”

“Never crossed my mind, Sweetie.”

“Meet you in the TARDIS, then.”

River raised the pile of hands so she could kiss the Doctor’s hand and then went to her room to get herself ready. The Doctor made his way out to the TARDIS.

The Doctor knew how to find the Pond-Williamses. It would be easy. All he had to do was turn off the safeguards and nav-com, then slave the TARDIS to River, have her use the telepathic interface and let the TARDIS do what she does best. Easy. The hard part would be convincing River to use the interface.

Sure, he could do it, but it had been billions of years for him since he last saw his parents-in-law. River would hold the stronger connection. Besides, the TARDIS liked her better anyway. But, he had no idea what the Silence or Kovarian had done to her. He could imagine, pretty easily. But, he imagined presenting River with this wouldn’t be that different than after he had encountered that Creature on Midnight. Even a gentle brush of greeting from the TARDIS had been too much for him. He would have to be careful about this.

It was a few minutes later when River entered. She dropped a bag near the entrance as she did. The Doctor smiled at her. “You look nice.”

“I thought you didn’t want me to ask.”

“I don’t. But I thought the compliment would work on you.”

River grinned at that he wasn't wrong. “So, how do we do this? Find them, I mean, I don’t have coordinates.”

The Doctor became hesitant at her question. “Well, the best way I could come up with is slaving the TARDIS to you.”

River’s eyes drifted towards the telepathic interface. “You don’t mean…”

The Doctor nodded. “I could do it, but you have the stronger connection, it would work better with you.”

River took a step back from the console and looked up at the time rotor. There was a slight groan from the TARDIS. River sighed. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, Old Girl. It’s…”

River broke off. The TARDIS was always there, humming in the back of her mind. She had taught River how to pilot her. But something about the telepathic interface scared River in a way that was neither logical nor healthy.

The Doctor brushed a hand against the console in an effort to sooth the TARDIS as he approached River. He hated it when he wanted to comfort both of them at the same time. He could see how close River was to panicking, so he didn’t get too close to her. He didn’t want to crowd her.

He just came near enough so he could lower his voice. “Breathe, River. It’s okay. Just breathe.”

“I’m not panicking! I just need a moment.”

The Doctor held up his hands in a placating manner. He took a step back to give her space. He kept his voice soft. “All right.”

River for her part tried to control her breathing. She had said she was ready, but clearly not as ready as she thought. No. Not true. She was ready to see her parents. She wasn’t ready to have a direct telepathic link with anyone. Even with the TARDIS. She took a steadying breath and addressed her other mother. “Okay. Yes. I can do that. But I know how this works, you don’t come in my head, I’ll project it out to you.”

The Doctor was in awe. He really hadn’t expected her to agree, even if she put limits on it. He approached her slowly and offered his hand to her. A simple gesture to show he was there. He could work within her limits and figured the TARDIS could as well. “I think you’re one of the bravest people I know.”

River accepted his hand as she nodded at him. “If I change my mind?”

The Doctor shrugged. “Then we’ll stop.”

However, he directed his words to the TARDIS and there was the underlying hint at an order. The TARDIS hummed in agreement.

The Doctor walked River to the telepathic interface. “You know how to do this. But take your time, only when you’re ready.”

River closed her eyes and swallowed thickly. Before she could change her mind again, she sank her fingers into the gel-like material. The Doctor’s words sounded in the console room and floated into her mind. “Clear your mind of everything but your parents and ask only one question: Where are they right now?”

The Doctor pulled the lever that would engage the time rotor. For a few moments, nothing happened, then slowly the time rotor started to move. River looked up. It hadn’t hurt, hadn’t even felt like the TARDIS was in her mind any differently. She refocused her attention on her parents, since she didn’t want to end up anywhere else.

A few moments later, the TARDIS finished her materialisation process. The Doctor put the lever back and set the parking brake. River looked around them and pulled her hand from the Telepathic Interface. “So, did it work?”

The Doctor shrugged. “No idea. I had to turn everything off, we’ll have to do this old school.”

He gestured to the doors. River took a deep breath and picked up her bag as she made her way to where the Doctor was waiting. He looked down at her, concern on his face. “Do you still want me to go with you?”

She reached out and grabbed his hand. “Don’t you dare leave me now.”

He gave a gentle squeeze back. “Not as long as you’ll have me around. Ready?”

River shook her head, ‘no’, but gestured that he should open the doors.

River and the Doctor stepped through the doors. She looked at him confused. He stuck his finger in his mouth, held it to the air, and then put it back in his mouth again to taste the air. “Mid-Manhattan. Union Square Park.” He repeated the motion of tasting the air. “Mid-September 1962. Early afternoon. A Sunday. Definitely you, I’d never land on a Sunday.”

River bumped his arm with her shoulder. “Show-off.”

“But you like it.”

She only smirked in reply. “Why here?”

The Doctor shrugged. “No idea. You were the one flying the TARDIS.”

He was scanning the area when a middle-aged couple approached them. The woman spoke first. “Melody?”

The Doctor and River both turned to the couple. The Doctor grinned. He had a hard time with ages for his companions since he always saw them exactly as the last time he knew them. River however, looked at the Doctor and back at her parents. “They look like you.” Was muttered under her breath. But she looked at her parents and couldn’t help but smile. She moved toward the couple and hugged them both at the same time.

The Doctor was about to move back to the TARDIS, he clearly wasn’t needed here. When Rory’s voice broke out. “Doctor, you’d better not be leaving so soon.”

The Doctor was shocked – mostly because it was Rory who called to him. “How did you know it was me?”

“Do you really think I wouldn’t recognise my son-in-law, when I saw him?”

Pride, joy, and maybe a bit of love fought for dominance on the Doctor’s features. This was the acceptance that he always searched for whenever he regenerated. It was a little bit strange that it came from Rory, who had always seemed to need a little help understanding everything. But then, he had his moments of brilliance and this was one of them.

Rory smiled. “Well, are you going to give us a hug?”

The Doctor shifted. “Not really the hugging sort anymore.”

Amy moved forward and pulled him into a fierce hug. “That’s okay, I can still hug you.”

She held him for a few moments and then pulled back. “Hello, Raggedy Man.”

He shook his head. “I’m not him anymore…”

She tapped his nose with a finger. “Oh, yes you are.” Then she pulled him into another hug and Rory joined in.

After a few moments the Doctor started to squirm so the little group broke apart. Rory grinned at his little family. “Well, we never got that family outing we were going to do. There’s a nice little place, just over there.”

The Doctor shook his head. “You three go. I shouldn’t really be here anyway.”

River gave him a look. “Doctor, you _will_ come for the family outing.”

The Doctor looked at River and she stared back. He rolled his eyes. “Oh, all right!”

Amy and Rory beamed when he changed his mind. And the Doctor realised, like his companions, his wife knew what she was doing.

Amy stopped by a payphone to call their son, Anthony, to invite him to join them. Anthony had grown up knowing the story of his parents and the Doctor and his sister. Therefore, the chance to meet them was exciting to him.

It was a pleasant late lunch in a little café. They were the only patrons in the place so they had a level of privacy that the Doctor hadn’t expected. Amy and Rory talked about all that had happened for them and River and the Doctor did the same. However, the Doctor left out quite a lot about his story. He didn’t want to burden the Williams family with such details.

After lunch, they walked back to the flat. Anthony went off to do whatever it was teenagers did in 1962 and Amy and River went to the kitchen to have one of their talks. Which left the Doctor with Rory sitting on the couch. Not that it was bad. He was better with some things now that he was older. He tilted his head. “You miss your family. And I don’t mean River and I. You miss your dad.”

Rory nodded, but said nothing. The Doctor offered an impish smile. “You know, you can send a letter to him. You know when he’ll be looking after your house while you’re gone. So, you know when to have it delivered. Anthony is a smart boy, he’d be able to make it happen.”

Rory looked at the Doctor. “Do such things work?”

The Doctor smiled. “I was trapped in 1969 once. Was only able to get free by doing something similar.”

Rory pulled the Doctor into a hug. “Thank you. And don’t for a minute think I don’t miss you or River.” He pulled away slightly. “You won’t be able to come back again, will you?”

The Doctor sadly shook his head. “Even getting here this time was lucky. I’m sorry.”

Rory smiled, his wrinkles growing deeper for a moment. “No. Amy and I, we never thought we’d see either of you again.” Then he offered a knowing grin of his own. “Your timelines have finally synced, haven’t they?”

The Doctor cocked his head. “How did you know?”

“You both look more relaxed around each other than I have ever seen. Comfortable.”

“Like an old married couple?”

Rory chuckled and shook his head. “Like a _happily_ married couple.”

The Doctor smiled in return. “Well, you and Amy have been a fantastic example.”

Rory was about to reply when Amy came out of the kitchen. “Okay, Dad, your turn.”

Rory stood and as he and Amy passed each other they paused long enough for a quick kiss. Then Rory continued to the kitchen and Amy sat on the couch with the Doctor. The Doctor looked her over. “Amy, I was stupid. I’m sorry.”

Amy looked confused. “What are you talking about, Doctor?”

“I wanted to keep you with me. And at the time, that was more important than anything else. Even more important than what you wanted.”

Amy leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. “I forgave you the moment Rory and I were together. You can’t be right all the time.”

“Still, I’m sorry.”

Amy smiled. “Apology accepted, Raggedy Man.”

He pulled a face. “I told you I’m…”

She grabbed his hand to silence him. “You don’t look like him and you don’t sound like him and you definitely don’t act like him. But, you still surprise me. You still give me the greatest gifts I could ever dream of. And you’re still the Doctor. That’s all I’ve ever needed to know.”

“Amelia Pond.” Her name wasn’t much more than a breath. He smiled. “You were with me. In my final moments as I started to regenerate. It was fitting since you were the first person I saw when that face was brand new.”

“Did it help? Seeing me?”

He snorted a little. “You told me ‘Goodbye.’ I didn’t think I’d get this chance, so I suppose it did.”

She pulled him into a hug. “Good. You deserve all the goodness I can give you.”

He let her hug him for a few moments. This was how he imagined she hugged Anthony, which made it easier to accept.

Amy spoke softly. “Melody told me I’m supposed to write an afterward to her story.”

The Doctor nodded.

“You’ve read it already, haven’t you?”

He nodded again. “I realised that the last page I tore out would be what you wrote to me.”

“I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed with it right now. Don’t suppose you could just give it to me so I say the right things?”

The Doctor chuckled. “I promise you, you say the right words. They came from your heart and that’s what’s important.”

He reached into the breast pocket of his jacket, pulled out a weathered page that had clearly been folded and unfolded many times, and held it up for a moment. Then he quickly pocketed it again. “I keep them close to my heart. I read them, when I forget.”

Amy was touched by his gesture. His last statement, though, caught her off guard. “When you forget what?”

The Doctor smirked sadly. “That I am loved.”

Amy squeezed him tighter for a moment. “Oh, Raggedy Man, what happened to you? You seem so much older and I don’t just mean your face.”

“I was in a place for a very long time. Stuck there alone. But I had your words with me. They helped to remind me what I was fighting for and why it was important.”

Amy was old enough now to know not to press. After all, she and Rory and lived through the time of the Second World War. And when people didn’t want to talk about things, you accepted what they would give you and moved on.

“And now you have Melody. Together. Linear time. How are you two managing that?”

“It’s only been about a month. But… it’s good. It’s different, but I think I was ready for it to happen. I’m calmer. And it’s a different experience to choose to remain somewhere compared to being stuck somewhere. It’s like… a chance to recharge the batteries.”

Amy smiled as he spoke. “Good thing it happened after your regeneration. You never sat still long enough for anything last time around.”

He smiled in return and finally moved properly out of her hug. He cupped her face in both of his hands like he used to do and then planted a kiss upon her forehead. “River and I will be fine. After all, she has you and Rory as parents.”

Amy cupped his cheek in return. “And you have us as in-laws.”

He nodded. “More importantly as friends.”

A few moments later, River and Rory came out of the kitchen. The Doctor looked around and realised this really was his family now. And he was about to have to say goodbye again. He could delay it a few more minutes. “I’ve redecorated the TARDIS. You should come see it.”

Amy, Rory, and River all gave each other knowing glances. The Doctor hated endings and would avoid this one as long as possible. River smiled at him. “You should go back to the TARDIS.”

The Doctor looked from River to her parents. He nodded. River needed time alone with both of her parents. Rory stepped forward first and wrapped the Doctor into a hug. “You’re the best son-in-law I could have asked for. You take good care of her.”

Then Amy stepped forward and playfully pushed her husband out of the way. “Okay, my turn.”

She wrapped her arms around the Doctor and held him for a long time. “Never forget, Doctor, you are loved.” She pulled back a little to rest her hands over his hearts. “As long as you carry us here, there’s no such thing as ‘goodbye’.”

The Doctor, overwhelmed by emotion, pulled Amy back into a tighter hug. “Thank you.”

Once he released Amy, he slowly made his way back towards the TARDIS. He decided to sit on a nearby bench to wait for River.

About twenty minutes later, someone approached slowly and sat on the bench next to him. He didn’t have to look to know it was River. He was about to ask her if she was ready when he heard her sniffle. He pulled her into him so he could hold her and she could rest her ear over one of his hearts. At that, River started to weep properly. The Doctor didn’t know what to say, so he just held her for a long time. A monolith, he might have said. River would probably say, a rock to cling to. After some minutes, when she had finally cried herself out, River quietly spoke. “I’m ready now.”

The Doctor kissed the crown of her head, helped her to stand, and escorted her to the TARDIS. They entered, he approached the console, and pressed the ‘rapid return button’ before throwing the lever. He waited until they had dematerialised before approaching River again. “Anything I can do?”

River looked up at him, her eyes still shining with tears. “You’ve done more than I could have asked for already. Thank you. For going with me. I know it’s not something you’d normally do.”

He held his arms open in invitation to her. She moved into them. He whispered into her hair as he wrapped his arms around her. “For you, I’d do anything.”

They hugged each other for the rest of the trip home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the 1962 setting, I used the following formula: In the “PS”, Rory said he was sent back 50 years before he was born. If he was born the same year as Amy, he would have been born around 1989. 50 years earlier would be 1939. If he was 31 during “Dinosaurs on a Spaceship” and he died at 82, that puts his death year at 1990. I personally wanted some time to have passed for Amy and Rory and I didn’t want the Doctor and River to be there during any huge earth events, so I picked 1962. Anthony was born in 1946, which puts him at about 16. Rory and Amy are about 54.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would apologise for the length of this chapter, but I've made you wait two weeks, so I figured it should be twice as long. Just kidding - I just didn't want to divide up the events of this chapter since they all take place the same night for them.
> 
> Bumping the rating to mature, due to my paranoia about this chapter.
> 
> * * *

The Doctor wanted to do something special for River. It had been about a week since they had visited her parents and she still seemed a little down. He knew that much was to be expected, but even spelunking through the Towers hadn’t done much to cheer her. It only served to distract her.

Then, of course, there was the elephant in the room: they were a married couple but hadn’t been physically intimate yet – well, not beyond hugs, cuddling, and the occasional kissing at any rate. He didn’t know if that was just because River was being respectful or if it was that she didn’t… No, wouldn’t be that. Even if it was to further her own agenda, she had expressed such interest to others. But the two of them hadn’t really talked about it. Clearly, she was letting him take the lead. Well, given that he wasn’t even sure how his body should react to such things, he supposed he should be grateful.

He decided to cook the meal he’d planned on the TARDIS, but set everything up for dinner in their home. He materialised the TARDIS in the kitchen using “silent mode” to block the door so she couldn’t come in and see his surprise too soon.

Of course, since he had a time machine, he had all the time in the world. And since it could also travel in space, he could obtain the freshest and best ingredients. He thought briefly of picking up Wolfgang Puck to help him. But then, he figured it would ruin some of the surprise. So, he did everything on his own.

It was a fairly simple meal, but it looked fancy, which was the point. Spinach-stuffed flank steak with carrots and a wild rice dressing as sides. Dessert would be later and probably on the couch in front of the fire.

Once he had the meal mostly prepared, he put the plates into the warmer, so that the food would still be hot when they were ready to eat. He set the table and lit a bunch of candles. This would be a candle-lit dinner after all. He even popped over to Luna for a small bouquet of flowers to set on the table.

Finally, he himself changed into the suit he wore for their Christmas dinner. This time, though, he tied his cravat into a bow as he had on the Orient Express. He brought out the plates and set them on the table. Finally, he moved the TARDIS into the library alcove, without silencing her. He came out and waited for River near the fireplace, knowing it wouldn’t take her long.

River had been in their bedroom, but the sounds of the TARDIS had brought her out. She looked the Doctor up and down and then noticed the TARDIS in the corner. She looked confused. “What’s this about?”

“Dinner.”

River looked him up and down and then looked down at herself, she suddenly felt quite underdressed. He grinned at her. “No need for that.”

He gestured towards the kitchen and offered her his arm.

When River saw the kitchen, she gasped. The candles were all in just the right places to hide the more mundane attributes of their kitchen and they highlighted the table brilliantly. As he had at Christmas, he helped her to sit before taking his own chair. River was shocked at all that was around her. She noticed the flowers, picked them up to smell them – she sometimes missed Luna more than she’d admit. Then she put them back. “Doctor, seriously, what is this about?”

He decided to not technically lie. “I got bored. Figured I may as well put it to good use.”

River looked at the plate and then back at the Doctor. “ _You_ made this?”

He nodded, maybe a little bit sheepishly. “You may have noticed that I enjoy cooking this go around.”

River chuckled. “Cooking. Sure. Spaghetti, soups, pancakes. But Sweetie, this is… This is gourmet.”

He smiled warmly. “It’s not more difficult. It just looks fancy.”

“Thank you.”

The confusion in the Doctor’s voice was palatable. “I’m sorry?”

“When someone pays you a compliment, you don’t explain it away, you say, ‘Thank you.’”

“That… might take a bit of practice.”

“Then it’s a good thing you have over twenty-three years to learn it.” With that River picked up her utensils. She paused before cutting into the meat.

The Doctor noticed her hesitation. “Is everything all right?”

River giggled softly as she replied. “It’s too beautiful. I don’t want to ruin it by cutting into it.”

The Doctor snorted and cut into his with a bit of aggression, just to show her how it’s done. “River, if you let that go to waste by not eating it, I’ll be offended.”

Then he put a piece of meat in his mouth, chewed slowly, and watched as she did the same. Seeing her expression as she took the first bite was worth all the work he had put into this. It wasn’t long before they lapsed into quiet conversation as they continued with their meal. After they finished, the Doctor gestured to the door. “Would you like to join me on the couch?”

River stood and nodded. “But first, candles.”

The Doctor looked confused, so River gestured around them. “One too many accidental fires at the uni.” She paused. “They weren’t caused by _me_. Well, not the fires I’m talking about anyway. I just don’t like leaving such things to chance now.”

They went around and blew out the candles, until only the moonlight spilled into the kitchen. The Doctor again offered her his arm and guided them to the other room. He first allowed her to sit and then he turned the fire up a little before taking a seat next to her. Without being invited, River snuggled close to the Doctor. Both of them hummed contentedly as the Doctor wrapped an arm around her. After a few moments, the Doctor reached over to the side table and handed River her TARDIS-coloured diary. “Read to me.”

River turned slightly so she could look up at him. “I’m sorry?”

He shrugged a little. “Read to me.”

She frowned. “Why? You’re ahead of me now. You’ve been there for all if these. You know what happened.”

“I know what happened from my perspective. Not yours. I want to know your experience.”

Her frown deepened. “What about your rule about not reading my diary?”

The Doctor smiled. “I won’t be reading, _you’ll_ be reading.”

“Not sure I should let you off the hook on that technicality. You _do_ recall what happened to the last person who read my diary?”

Now he smirked. "Of course. Hard to forget, what with all the crashing onto this planet. Which is why you're going to read it to me. You get to choose what and how much, but I do want you to read it. I don’t want to just hear the stories as you remember them now, I want he hear what you thought of them as you wrote them out."

He’s always respected that the Diary was hers. And understood the necessity of the rule. Even when he was sorely tempted, he moved on – moved away from it. So, it was important to him that she maintain control of it.

River got herself more comfortable lying in the Doctor’s arms as she flipped through the pages of her diary. Finally, she settled on a story. She began to tell him ‘The Tale of the Sanukuma and Miss Spritz.’**

When she got to the part of the tale that the Doctor himself became a part of the sequence of events, he nearly jumped at the shock. “No! _That_ was **you**?”

She smiled at him and adjusted herself so that he was forced to relax back into the couch. “Well, I couldn’t rightly tell you who I was. It was far too early in your timeline. Even I knew what might happen if we had met at that point.”

He leaned down a little and kissed the top of her head. “Well, at least your idea of calling me ‘Damsel’ is starting to make sense.”

She giggles softly. “Yes. You’re very quick. Now, if you want to hear the rest of the story, shut up.”

He chuckled in reply as he softly mumbled, “Yes ma’am.”

River finished the story and closed the book. She turned a bit, so she could put the book on the table next to the couch. This had the effect that she was basically laying on top of the Doctor. She looked down at him and he looked up at her. Then, very slowly, River leaned forward until their lips met. It was a soft, slow, and gentle kiss, from her side of things. The Doctor was a bit hesitant. Not to say he didn’t return the affection at all, but in this kiss, River discovered where all the awkwardness from his previous regeneration had gone.

She pulled away and looked at him. He looked at her, not scared, but maybe apprehensive and a little unsure. She spoke quietly, “All right?”

He hummed and nodded once, because he was afraid his voice would catch and the nerves be revealed.

She smiled and slowly sat up before standing. She offered her hand to him. “I have an idea.”

He looked at her hand and slowly took it, standing next to her. She gave a little tug and started her way toward their bedroom.

He paused. “River? I still have dessert planned.”

She gave a sly little smile. “Oh, so do I…”

He followed her into the bedroom.

River guided the Doctor to stand not too far from the bed. She then stood in front of him and wrapped a hand around one of the tails of his cravat. She slowly pulled, loosening the bow. He swallowed thickly, but didn’t move. When She looked up at him asking for permission, he gave a slight nod. She smiled and finished untying the tie. She then pulled one tail slowly down his chest, until it fell to the floor. He looked down at the tie on the floor and then back at her. “That’s my best tie. You can’t jus…”

River put a finger to the Doctors lips. “It will be fine.”

Leaving her finger on his lips, River leaned up and placed a quick peck. When she pulled back, she removed her finger. Then she ran her hands along his chest and up to his shoulders. She rested them there for a minute; more to give him time to adjust to their presence. He looked at her for a moment. “So, this idea of yours?”

She smirked. “Well, if you’re not going to give me a chance to dress properly, then you need to dress down to my level. I’m just helping you with that.”

She then slid her hands back down to his chest and then under the lapels of the coat. She slowly moved them so that she could slide the coat off of him. The Doctor didn’t resist any of this. And he looked down when the coat joined the tie. He looked back at her. “And why do we need to do this in the bedroom?”

He started to reach for the buttons on his waistcoat. River slapped them away as she answered, “Because I figured you’d be more comfortable here rather than in the sitting room?”

He couldn’t argue with that. “And why didn’t you just ask me, I’m quite capable…”

Her finger returned to his lips to silence him and she again leaned in to give him a peck, which this time he returned the short kiss. “Because it’s fun for me. And it’s a chance to see the new body in a way I haven’t yet.”

The Doctor was confused, since River had seen him in his pants and pullover and nothing else. But, he wasn’t about to argue either. Especially since she now had his vest unbuttoned and had started to remove it as well. It joined the pile. He spoke again, “So, this is just to ‘get me comfortable’?”

She offered a smug little grin. “Something like that.”

She now slid her hands down to his hips. She felt him tense. She waited a moment before she asked, “All right?”

He nodded. She gazed at him. “Are you sure?”

He nodded again. She nodded in return and then took hold of his shirt and gently pulled it out from his trousers. She had noticed when she looked at the cuffs on the sleeves that they didn’t have buttons. Good. That would make things easier.

She could feel that he was still tense, no matter what he said, so she decided against removing his belt. Instead, she lowered her hands to take hold of the edges of his shirt tales, sliding them along the edge of the shirt until they met at the bottom-most button. She proceeded to unbutton the shirt, working her way to the top. When she got to the top, she noticed the top-most button was already undone. She frowned. “I thought you liked having the top one done up?”

He offered a little smirk. “When I wear that tie, it’s a bit too tight.”

He said it with the same inflection he had used when they were on the _Harmony and Redemption_. The reference was missed by River. Maybe he was trying a bit too hard. River again slid her hands along his chest, sliding her fingers under his undone shirt and up across his collarbone to his shoulders, thus giving it enough momentum to slide off his arms.

River looked up at the Doctor and smiled. “There we are. A few less layers, anyway.”

She made no attempt to untuck his pullover. She had to leave something for later. She looked over at the bed, gestured to it, and gave her order, “Sit.”

The Doctor frowned, but did as he was told. River knelt down in front of him and started to unlace one boot and then the other. She intentionally made sure to not touch his leg as she did this. Then, without looking at him, she made a gesture with her hand indicating that he was to lift his leg. Only when he did that did she dare to touch his leg. She was positioned in such a way to cradle his leg along her arm as she pulled off the Doc Martens. She straightened his sock and released his leg gently back to the ground. Then she moved to his other side and repeated the process.

River stood and offered her hand to him. The Doctor stared at it confused. River rolled her eyes. “Well, come on, I said I still wanted dessert.”

The Doctor grinned, took her hand, and then stood, some of the tension eased away. She led him back to the sitting room and he gestured to the couch. “Your turn. Sit. Actually, no. Coffee, I forgot coffee, that’s what you’re supposed to do with dessert, right?”

She smiled up at him. “Sometimes, but not always. Let’s eat the dessert first and we can make coffee if we decide we need it.”

“Okay.”

The Doctor went off to the TARDIS, grabbed the hot brownies out of the warmer, scooped the ice cream on them, added a touch of whipped cream, a sprinkle of nuts, a touch of fudge syrup, and topped each with a cherry. He added a spoon to each bowl, picked them up, and made his way back to the couch. When he presented River with her plate, she giggled with delight. “Oh, Doctor, you have certainly outdone yourself.”

“Not really, I cheated for this part. I didn’t make the ice cream, fudge, or whipped cream from scratch.”

Both of River’s eyebrows raised. “And you know how to…”

“I had some good teachers over the years. Julia Child, Wolfgang Puck.”

“You’re name-dropping again.”

“And again, when you have names to drop…”

They both giggled this time as the Doctor sat down.

River got a spoonful and held her spoon up to the Doctor. He mimicked her and after a moment, clinked their spoons together like champagne glasses. He was about to put his bite into his mouth when she cleared her throat. He raised an eyebrow as he looked over at her. She gave him a look and held her spoon in such a way as to offer it for him to eat. He looked at his own spoon and back to her and understood her meaning. He again mimicked her action. She then leaned forward toward his spoon and gave him an encouraging wink. He followed suit towards hers. A lot of human traditions and social constructs confused the Doctor, even after all the time he’s spent on Earth and around humans, but none so much as… whatever it was one wanted to call this.

After that first exchanged bite, they each ate their own desserts. Quiet conversation returned, though now the Doctor was trying to learn from River what he could about any other ‘earlier times’ she might have met him. She was coy and evasive as ever. That was good. Someone had said once that mystery was good for relationships. And it was always good for him. Besides, he had his own set of secrets that he had to keep from her.

When she finished her dessert, River leaned forward and placed her bowl on the table. “That was… amazing.”

He smiled as he finished his last bite and placed his bowl next to hers. “Thank you.”

River grinned, remembering their earlier conversation. “So an Old Time Lord _can_ be taught new tricks.”

“Well, I do have an affinity for learning.”

River hummed in the affirmative as she moved so that she could nestle against the Doctor again. He brought his arms around her, to hold her securely against him. She turned slightly so that she could use her free hand to gently trace the side of his face. “Tell me how you got this face. You told me that saving Gallifrey was a part of it, but you never finished the story.”

He had gotten distracted in his memories of the pain of the Confession Dial. He looked at her and nodded. “It’s… not a pleasant story.”

She gave him a look filled with sympathy. “It’s a story about your regeneration, I can’t imagine any such would be.”

“I’ve called this regeneration a ‘clerical error’. I’ve said a ‘thing happened’. But I suppose, in the end, it’s a gift.”

A small smile started to appear on River’s lips. “Well, you’ve got my attention. Now you’d better explain it properly.”

The Doctor realised that River knew – everything that she had said guiding Clara to the secret entrance to his tomb, being able to give the message to Clara in the dream, was all because he had told her. Well. This was a benefit to being synced up, he could tell her everything she would need to know for the future. But he could easily leave her part in the story out. He then told her about the Whisper Men and the message from the Great Intelligence, “The Doctor has a secret he will take to the grave. It is discovered. His friends are lost forever more, unless he goes to Trenzalore.”

River scowled. “Trenzalore. There are rumours about it. I come across them sometimes when I’m looking up those stories you say I shouldn’t read. But they all conflict with each other.”

“There is one place where no time traveller must ever go. They hadn’t discovered my secret. But…”

“Your grave.” She gasped. “So the rumours are true…. You die there.”

He offered a small smile with a smug little wink. “Rumours of my death tend to be greatly exaggerated.” He paused for a moment before continuing with his story. “Not that I knew that at the time. The Whisper Men had Jenny, Vastra and Strax. Those three had helped me so much after your parents…” He swallowed thickly. “After Manhattan… So, I went to Trenzalore. But the Whisper Men and the Great Intelligence were there. My tomb was the TARDIS. And I was buried inside.”

“With Gallifrey gone… What did it look like to bury a Time Lord?” River hadn’t meant to speak out loud.

“Well, time travel leaves damage behind. Given how much I travel, a lot of damage. Join that with the central column of the TARDIS and…”

“Energy.” River gasped. “It would be pure energy.”

The Doctor nodded and smiled grimly. He was proud that River could figure it out so quickly, but the whole thought of his death was rather sobering. “My time stream. It connected everything together. From Gallifrey to Trenzalore. The Great Intelligence stepped into it. He ripped it to shreds. Killed me across all my lives at the same time.”

River lowered her head to his chest. She needed the reassuring sound of the beating of his hearts just then. She tried not to cry. She could feel a few tears slide out as she failed. “But Doctor, all the lives you’ve saved, wouldn’t that mean.”

The Doctor nodded. “Solar systems started to vanish. Old friends turned into enemies…”

He broke off. The couple remained silent for a few moments. River realised the story wasn’t finished, but the Doctor wasn’t speaking. “Doctor? What happened?”

He frowned, but remained silent. River looked up at him and finally he found the courage to speak. “I… I don’t know. Must be connected to Clara. Someone saved me, but I don’t know how.”

River nodded, accepting the answer. She didn’t press too hard, she could understand how hard something like a memory block would be for the Doctor. “Well, the planets are still here, so clearly everything was righted. That’s what matters. Is that why you regenerated?”

He shook his head. “No. Remember when my TARDIS was exploding and caused all those cracks in time?”

River hummed and smiled. “The Pandorica. Hard to forget.”

“Well, there were a few that were missed when I fixed everything.”

He never liked it when he was wrong. Even if he was mostly right. River frowned at that. “What do you mean?”

“The Time Lords found one. And they knew they could use it to return to this universe. It was inside a town called Christmas. Which was on Trenzalore, of all places. They started to send out a distress signal across the whole of time and space that translated into a question: ‘Doctor Who?’ They wanted to know my name and had created a truth field to ensure I didn’t lie when I gave it to them.”

River looked up at him, worried etched across her face. “You didn’t…”

He shook his head. “Every creature who ever wanted me dead had shown up, not unlike the gathering over Stonehenge, I guess. The only way to keep everyone safe was if I stayed at Christmas without giving my name. So I did. Hundreds of years.”

“You don’t know how long?”

He shrugged. “Long enough that when I died, it was from old age.”

River gently traced a finger along the Doctor’s chest. She didn’t protest his choice of words, but she wanted to. “So what happened?”

“What always does. The Time Lords. I couldn’t count in that body. I thought I was out of regenerations, I had one more to go beyond that one. The Time Lords granted me a whole new cycle anyway.”

River grinned at that. “So, another twelve bodies after this one? I think I can get behind that.”

The Doctor picked up River’s hand – the one that had been tracing his chest. He lifted it to his lips in a gentle kiss. “I don’t know. Not even the President was certain how many regenerations they granted me. It was all a little rushed.”

“Well, at least something good came from them. It’s certainly an interesting gift.”

The Doctor smirked. “You do realise that it is an old Irish Curse to wish ‘interesting’ upon someone?”

River placed a finger over the Doctor’s lips to quiet him. “Circumstances aside. You’re here now. This is something I never dreamed I would get and I’m very grateful.”

She then leaned up and pressed her lips to his. It was slow, but there was intensity behind it tonight. That hadn’t been there before. The Doctor couldn’t resist answering it. But, no. The intensity wasn’t River’s. It was his own. A question. A demand for information: _Is this really real?_ And her reply carried it’s own intensity: _Of course it is._

They kissed until River needed to breathe and the Doctor’s respiratory bypass nearly kicked in. They hadn’t kissed like that since before their reunion.

River smiled, even as she softly tried to catch her breath. When she could finally speak, she sounded quite pleased. “Oh, Sweetie.”

The Doctor tilted his head slightly. “You’ve been practising. But I think you can do with a bit more.”

Of course, he was intrigued by how far she had progressed with her respiratory bypass, so that’s what he was talking about. River didn’t mind, but couldn’t resist a small tease. “If this is what you mean by practising…”

She leaned back in and they started to kiss again. This time it was slower, more intentional. Each wanted to draw more from the other. Part experiment, part physical affections, it was the perfect balance. While the Doctor was distracted with his ‘practising’, River slid her hands along his sides, occasionally gripping at his shirt. It didn’t take much to untuck his pullover. She then slowly slid her hands under the shirt, still making no attempt to remove it.

There was only the briefest moment where the Doctor tensed when he felt the direct skin-to-skin contact. Then he relaxed back into the kiss. River suddenly broke off, gasping for breath. The Doctor calmly ran his hands along her back, trying to sooth her. “It’s all right. You’re doing quite well. And the kissing is nice too.”

River smirked. “Well, then perhaps I need to stop worrying about the former and focus on the latter, because I was aiming for a bit better than ‘nice’.”

“I think I would be okay with that...”

River grinned and then initiated the next kiss. Both of their hands wandered under their tops. The Doctor seemed to relax more, which pleased River. She understood his apprehension to touch after his experiences in the Confession Dial, but she was used to being able to distract him much quicker than this. Still, he was responding with a bit more enthusiasm, which was pleasing. Though, a part of her mind realised that his hands still hadn’t wandered beyond moving up and down her back. Well, that would have to change.

She pulled back from the kiss enough to look at him and gauge his reactions. He was slightly flushed, his eyes dilated, and his breathing had the slightest hitch to it. She gave a kiss each to his forehead, nose, lips, chin, and just under his chin. As she did this, she moved off the couch and then stood. She held her hand out to him. He took it and stood as well. She smiled. “We’ll need to move around easier...”

Then she led him to their bedroom. He followed willingly.

Once they got there, the Doctor was nervous. He was so old now, he shouldn’t be, but the first day of regeneration sets the tone for everything. Rose had questioned him, but accepted him. Someone - he assumed Clara - had flat-out rejected him. While he was fairly certain River would never do that, it was still a fear he carried with him.

River could see his apprehension and so didn’t move to the bed immediately. She turned around and then stepped into his personal space while guiding the hand of his that she still held to wrap around her back. Her free hand went up by his neck and she guided his head towards hers until their lips met again. She pulled him closer to herself and not feeling any change in his body, tried to create some friction between them. This led to her getting breathless, but not much change in him.

She stepped back and started to shed a couple of her own layers: socks, trousers, and pullover slowly joined the pile of clothes from earlier. She was left in her pants, tank top, and bra. The Doctor tilted his head in consideration. He undid his belt, took off his trousers, and added them to the pile. River looked him up and down. She smirked and gestured to his socks. He shrugged. “My feet are cold.”

That made her giggle softly and she stepped back in to his space. “Then I suppose I’ll have to work on warming you up.”

She kissed his lips softly and then guided him to the bed. She got on first and manoeuvred herself to ‘her side’. The Doctor soon followed. They were both knelt on the bed and stared at each other for a long moment before River again moved to pull their bodies together. She kissed from his lips, along his cheek and finally to his ear. When she got there, she whispered. “Doctor, touch me, please.”

Then she sucked his earlobe into her mouth and gently grazed her teeth along it. That used to work on the Doctor’s previous body. Of course, there was no way to know if it still would without trying it.

At her invitation, the Doctor’s hands again wandered under her shirt and up her back. River moaned softly to encourage him and licked his lips. It took several attempts before he understood that she wanted him to open his mouth. When he finally did, he felt her hot wet tongue enter his mouth. He shuddered slightly as her tongue glided a long his and he pulled her closer to him in an effort to keep his balance. It took a few moments for him to realise that he could move his tongue as well.

Rivers mouth was an explosion of tastes: the dessert and dinner, the wine, time and space, and under all of that, something that he could only call ‘River’. That brought forth a memory. Many memories. Memories when he had a different and much younger face, but importantly, he started to remember how to move his hands and lips and tongue. In fact if he put his hands just under the back of her bra like so and then moved his tongue like that...

River moaned again and the Doctor smiled. Yes, it still worked. His body might be different, but River’s wasn’t. With that memory and the encouraging response, the Doctor felt emboldened. While they continued to kiss, he unhooked her bra. He slowly stroked the backs of his fingers along her sides, from her waist to her breasts and back down again.

Sensing that the Doctor was finally getting engaged in the process, River too slid her hands under his pullover. When she needed to stop for air, she moved to pull the shirt off. He allowed for it and gave a small little smile. This was the first time she was seeing his body in this way. She just looked him up and down for a moment – to really take him in. Then, she slowly reached her hands out, resting them first on his shoulders. He didn’t move. This was her chance at discovery and although that fear of rejection was making him antsy, her steady and warm hands were grounding him.

River smiled warmly and she looked at where her hands were. She slowly moved them, using her fingers to map out every centimetre of flesh that was now before her. “I forgot how much cooler your skin is compared to mine.”

But it wasn’t a critique. The Doctor was confused and looked down into her eyes. “You don’t mind?”

“No. Because I love the ways I can feel it warming up the more excited you get.”

She flashed him a wicked grin and continued with her mapping. Every once-in-awhile flicking her eyes to the Doctor’s eyes, to make sure he was okay, because he was a bit tense. He would just offer a subtle nod of his head and allowed her to continue.

The Doctor held stark still as River seemed to map out his body with her fingers and her eyes. He had never been touched like that in this body and many of his nerves were overly sensitive to the experience. After the third shiver went through him, River smiled and spoke softly. “Maybe you should lie down? This might take awhile.”

He got himself comfortable as he asked, “What are you planning?”

Her smiled broadened. “To enjoy every inch of this new body of yours.”

He didn’t exactly blush, but did turn a bit sheepish. “You like it then?”

River leaned forward and kissed his lips. “Oh, very much.”

She then kissed his chin, his throat and continued to work her way down to his chest between his nipples. Then she moved to one side and placed a soft kiss to that nipple. The Doctor’s breath hitched and River smiled.

The Doctor knew there should be more to his physical reactions than just the hitches in his breath and the racing of his hearts. He could feel that low levels of oxytocin were being released and he could easily control that, but the tell tale reaction he was expecting to happen between his legs… just wasn’t there. Okay. ‘New body; new rules’ – how often had he said that? He could work with this. He was a Time Lord and had exceptional control over his body.

For now, he needed to distract River before she realised he wasn’t progressing as quickly as she was. So he used his hands and threaded them into her curls. “River.”

He infused just the right amount of pleading into his tone to get her attention. He then gently lifted her head to encourage her to move back to his mouth. Once there, his hands wandered down her sides and found the hem of her shirt. When she needed to breathe again, he pulled up the top over her head and discarded it off to the side of the bed. Since her bra was already unhooked, River slid it off her shoulders and it quickly followed suit.

River then lowered herself to him, their chests matching nearly point for point, and started again with kissing him. The Doctor could feel the gooseflesh rise over River’s body as her skin reacted to the cooler temperature of his. For himself, he tried not to think too much on how hot River’s skin was against his. Because, if he thought about that, it simply made thinking about the rest of what was about to happen much more difficult.

River kissed her way back down his body. And when she got far enough, she realised that the Doctor didn’t yet have an erection. To mask her disappointment, she avoided looking at him. She then drew her fingers along the waistband of his pants. “May I?”

He bit his lip, nodded, and then murmured, “Please.”

River licked her lips seductively and started to remove them. He shifted his hips enough to help her accomplish her goal. Once the pants were off she looked at his socks. “Are your feet still cold?”

He shook his head, so she removed the socks as well.

The Doctor was now entirely naked. Not that he minded, in general. The vulnerability was difficult, though. Especially since he felt like he was waiting for River to approve or disapprove of his body. River was now working on his feet, giving them a gentle massage. When she moved up to his ankles, the Doctor started to fidget and then started to laugh. “Oh, River, stop… please… that tickles.”

“Oh, that’s _new_.” She teased him a few more seconds before stopping properly.

It took him a few moments before he could reply. “Yes. And thank you for making my respiratory bypass kick in.”

“Well, given how mine still isn’t up to snuff, I figured you could use the practice.”

He looked down his body at her and smiled. She had to know by now that he wasn’t reacting the way that either of them had hoped and the fact that she hadn’t made a comment about it helped him to relax. The laughter hadn’t hurt either.

River reached her hand out again and the Doctor held his breath. She took his leg just above the ankles. “Is this all right?”

The Doctor released his breath and relaxed some more. “Yes.”

River worked her way up to the knee of one leg then repeated the process on the other leg. She noted that there hadn’t been much change, so she decided more drastic action was needed. She situated herself between his legs and breathed her hot breath over his penis to see if she could get a reaction out of it. The Doctor gasped and even flushed a little, but River didn’t see any change in the place she was hoping. Failing that, she put the flat of her tongue over it.

“River!” The Doctor squeaked and jerked.

She rested a hand on his stomach to steady him. She was doing her best to get something to happen. The Doctor was too. He was used to having control over his body. Usually he could command it to do whatever he wanted. But tonight, he desperately wanted it to work – for everything to go right. And… it clearly wasn’t.

River tried licking and palming him for a couple of minutes, but nothing was working. She could feel that the Doctor was more distressed about it than she was. Getting him to touch her – even only hugging - could be difficult on good days. She was fairly certain that when it came to bodily fluids, he would be less than enthusiastic about touching her. She would have to take care of herself tonight. She sighed and slowly dragged her body back along his until she could again meet his lips. She kissed him, but he didn’t kiss back.

She pulled back to look at him. “Doctor, it’s all right. We’ll try something else. Whatever worked for your other body, doesn’t work for this one. We’ll figure out what does work and it will be fine.”

There was more conviction in River’s voice than she actually felt. The Doctor finally kissed her back, but it was brief. “I need the loo.”

He got up, grabbed his pants, pullover and socks, and made to leave the room. River tried not to feel rejected. She knew he had to be feeling worse about this than she was. “Will you come back in here?”

He turned around and held his clothes so they covered the part of him that was currently making him feel like a failure. He gave a half-hearted nod. “If you want me to…”

River forced herself to smile. “Of course I do.”

He nodded and left the room.

River was frustrated. She shouldn’t have pushed him. But it had been so long… She finally rolled off the bed and went to the en suit. She showered and gave herself some much-needed release. Then she dressed in her nightgown and returned to the bed. The Doctor hadn’t yet returned. She hoped he did.

The Doctor left the room to use the other bathroom. But, when he was making his way back across the house, he decided to clean up from dinner by washing the dishes and returning the kitchen to it’s normal setup. He left the flowers from Luna sitting on the table. Then he moved the TARDIS back out to the garden. Except, he didn’t put the silencers on.

River heard the TARDIS engines. She raced out of bed just in time to see it dematerialise. It shouldn’t hurt. She knows the Doctor is the man who runs from anything like this. But it was still like a lance through her heart. She made her way back to the bedroom and curled herself around his pillow. It still smelled like him. She started to weep.

“River?”

Through her watery vision, she could see the Doctor. Still only in his pullover and pants. Her voice was thick with her tears. “Doctor? I… thought you’d left…”

He knelt down next to the bed. And rested his hand on her head. He stroked his thumb near her temple. “I didn’t…”

“I heard the TARDIS, Doctor. Saw her disappear.”

Oh. “River, no. I didn’t… I just moved her back out to the garden.”

He was even worse at this ‘husband’ business than he thought.

“You… didn’t run away?”

He shook his head. “I won’t lie. I wanted to. But you wanted me to come back.” He gave a little shrug, unsure what else to say.

River scooted back over to her side of the bed. And gave a nod of her head that he should join her. “Can you… will you hold me?”

He sighed as he climbed under the covers. “I can do that.”

He owed her that much since he failed at everything else that seemed important tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **This refers to the Big Finish Audio “Diary of River Song” which can be purchased at [Big Finish Audio](%E2%80%9D)


	7. Chapter 7

The Doctor lay on his back next to River wide-awake while he stared at the ceiling. His hands were folded over his stomach and he twiddled his thumbs. Last night had probably not gone to River's plans and it certainly hadn't gone to his.

He tried. Really he had. But physical intimacy had never come easy to him in this body. Even handholding was difficult sometimes. All that time in the Confession Dial had reset something... He wasn’t sure what. But, it was back to how he was in those first weeks after regenerating into this form. Any physical touch felt awkward as hell. Clearly being married to River and having been intimate with her in the past wasn’t enough to push through whatever barrier had been created.

He wasn't against touch or intimacy in principle. He didn't mind River kissing him or being a bit 'touchy-feely'. He had actually enjoyed it while they were curled up on the couch together. But when it came to sexual contact ... That was obviously another matter.

Then there was biology. That ingrained sense from Pythia's Curse that sex wasn’t required for procreation and therefore not needed at all was hard to argue against. River wasn't a Time Lord, not really. Oh her DNA had similar properties, but... it took more than DNA to make one a Time Lord. At the heart of it, she was still very human. He understood and accepted that. He accepted that expressing their relationship in a physical way was important to her. He hadn't minded such expressions so much in his last few bodies. But in this one - there were days that holding hands was too much.

So he had tried. And as much as Time Lords have a certain level of command over their body, he couldn't get his to obey in that way. That was something that was profoundly uncomfortable for him. He was used to having total and complete control over his body. This felt like a failure in the worst possible way.

He turned his head to look over at River. She was still asleep. Good. He turned to looking at the ceiling again. He didn't want her to know how much he was brooding about this. She had said it was 'okay', but a part of him knew that it wasn't. They had talked about the whole 'she didn't think he loved her' issue. But now, this felt like just another proof that he didn't love her. And that killed him, because he did love her. He loved her enough to promise to stay on this planet with her for the next twenty-four years, which was saying something for him. Now he had to face a very important question: Would he ever be able to express that love physically?

He looked over at her again. He sighed heavily; he didn’t know how to fix it. He didn’t know if there was a way to fix it.

Adding insult to injury, she thought he had left her. He was such a stupid fool. He had remembered to use the silencers when they were to his benefit, but hadn’t offered River the same courtesy.

A part of him wanted to curl around her and wrap her in his arms to never let her go. The other part of him was afraid that would lead her to believe anything more might happen. A third part of him wanted to run and hide forever. The last part of him was just so confused and baffled by the situation that he didn’t know what he should do. So, he remained stiff on his back, lying next to River, and hands over his stomach while twiddling his thumbs.

He had remained awake the past six or so hours. River had finally fallen asleep three hours, thirty-seven minutes and sixteen seconds ago. After she had fallen asleep, he had carefully withdrawn his hold on her, grateful that she hadn’t awakened in the process. He’d been on his back, staring at the ceiling, and brooding ever since. Well, to be fair, he had started to brood before then, but it was difficult to brood properly when he was holding his wife in his arms.

Another twenty minutes passed and the Doctor was debating getting up and out of bed. He didn’t want to leave River, but he also didn’t want to face the disappointment and hurt first thing upon her waking. And he definitely did not want her knowing that the situation had kept him awake the entire night. Of course, now he had a completely different issue to think about: Which would be more comforting to River?

River’s breathing pattern changed. The Doctor knew, after so many nights watching her sleep that she was about twenty minutes from waking up again. He slowly got out of bed. It wouldn’t be enough time to do a proper breakfast, but a few of Danish rolls, some toast, and coffee would be manageable and at least give her a chance to wake up properly. He slid out of bed and left to prepare the food.

He returned a short time later with a tray with everything he thought they would need. He set the tray on the bedside table, but didn’t climb back into bed. Instead, he sat in the chair that was tucked in the corner of the room. Sometimes, he would move to the chair overnight and watch her wake up from this distance. Besides, this way he would probably be the first thing she saw when she woke. He hoped it would be reassuring to her.

He loved watching River wake up. Though if he were entirely honest, he was worried. Still, it couldn’t be helped. They would have to talk about this and this once he would rather get it over with as soon as he could. He was so caught up in such musings, that he had actually missed River waking. She hadn’t moved, but her eyes were open and she was watching him. He didn’t speak; only offered a nod of his head as greeting.

River sighed. She too seemed to be conflicted over how to start. She nodded in return and got up to use the loo. When she returned, the Doctor had moved the tray onto the bed, but he was still sat on the chair as if he hadn’t moved at all. River climbed back into bed and looked at what he had put together. It was simple, but after the lavish dinner they had, it would be enough. She started to pour the coffee and looked over at him. She noticed he didn’t have any. “Do you want some coffee, or have you already eaten?”

“Yes and no.”

It took River half a moment and she smirked as she rolled her eyes. “How do you take it these days?”

“With sugar. Lots of sugar. Might be more accurate to say I take my sugar with a splash of coffee.”

He offered a weak smile. He was trying to keep things light, but wasn’t sure if he was successful or not. He relaxed a bit when she scoffed a little at his reply. Most people probably wouldn’t have taken that as an ego stroke, but the Doctor did. Once his coffee was prepared, she held it up for him.

“I don’t bite, you can come next to me, so that we can share breakfast in bed.”

The Doctor decided it would be best to join her. Besides, it would be easier to reach the Danish. They ate a little in silence, but it wasn’t as awkward as either expected. River smirked. “All we’re missing is a newspaper.”

"Oh humans, you're never satisfied."

River raised her eyebrow at the Doctor. He couldn’t have possibly meant what it sounded like. The Doctor continued. "Do they even have newspapers here?"

Ah, of course he’d be literal. He had put a bit of breakfast together and she wasn’t happy with just breakfast.

“I meant, we’re practically living out the ‘old married couple’ cliché this morning.”

The Doctor chuckled. “Compared to most, we _are_ an old married couple.”

River finished eating her Danish and took a sip of her coffee, then decided to stay with the ‘old married couple’ theme. “So, any plans for the day?”

“Oh I thought I might do some tinkering. Or maybe reading.” Yes, a book about ‘ _How to recover from screwing up a relationship by not screwing_ ’ came to mind.

She nodded once. “Sounds like a nice day. I might see you later, then. I thought I would do some hiking.” Or something. Or anything to avoid the tension that was currently building up between them.

He couldn’t look at her. Not yet. “Not interested? You didn’t seem to mind last night when you were reading your diary.”

She finally turned her head to try to look at him properly. He really was full of surprises. “I… didn’t think it was an invitation. I thought after last night, you’d want some space.”

Right, well ‘pretending we’re not talking about it’ time was clearly over. His voice was soft. “I thought you’d want the same.”

River was confused by that reply. How could he think that she wouldn’t want to spend every second possible with him after so many years of waiting for their timelines to sync up properly?

For his part the Doctor sighed and finished his coffee. He took a few breaths before starting the conversation properly. “The simplest answer is: new body; new rules. And you’ll have to forgive me if I’m not interested in returning to Gallifrey to try to get all of our questions answered.”

The problem was he had just as many questions – if not more – than River did. And he really didn’t have the answers. He didn’t even know enough to know if he even had the proper questions.

But his choice of the word ‘rules’ made River frown. “Rules? Didn’t you get this body by breaking the rules? Don’t you think ‘preferences’ might be better?”

He offered a sardonic chuckle. “Do you think that I wouldn't _want_ to be intimate with my wife as I had been in the past? That's a preference, River. My preference is to offer that. The rule clearly states otherwise."

He had tried. Tried so hard. River shook her head. “I still don’t understand.”

The Doctor finally dared to look at her. “I’ve never faced this after regeneration before. Being married, being intimate. I know Time Lords were able to make their relationships work through several regenerations. But I don’t know how.”

Though saying that, a part of him wondered if doing the ‘quick ceremony’ was part of it.

River tilted her head. “Tell me about your family life.”

The Doctor was thrown off by her question. “What?”

“Well, specifically your first wife and what it was like on Gallifrey.”

He blew air quickly through his lips, like a horse. “No beating around the bush with you.”

She shrugged and leaned back against the headboard. “I figured this would be a safer topic, rather than the alternative.”

Well, he couldn’t argue with that, especially if both of them were thinking about the same ‘alternative.’ "Her family wasn't exactly pleased with her choice. Although I was a Time Lord, they didn't see it as 'marrying up'. They had wanted her to join the Sisterhood of Karn, if she wasn't going to marry properly. My family was disappointed because she was 'just a Gallifreyan'. And questioned how could I dare take someone intended for the Sisterhood."

He shrugged a bit. "In the end, she chose me over them. Both of our families disowned us in their own ways. We had to go it alone. I suppose it was a good thing that I’d always been a bit of a renegade.”

He looked over at her and tried for a small smile. "We followed Time Lord principles. More or less. Loomed two of our children. The third child... well... we had heard rumours of womb-born children. And we were curious about how the biology of it would actually work.”

River wasn’t afraid to talk about sex and she knew enough about Time Lord society to understand what the Doctor was hinting at. She smiled. “The two of you had never had intercourse before then?”

He shrugged. “There really wasn’t a need for it. Rassilon forbade womb-born children and the law was enforced through the use of abortion and executions. At that time, for Gallifreyans, sex served only the purpose of procreation. It wasn’t seen as an expression of 'love' or 'fun' the way most humans would see it. So the question became: was the risk of death worth a little experimental curiosity? We decided that it was. At that point, for us having sex was intentional. It was another way to break the rules. That's not to say we hadn't enjoyed it. But honestly, there are other things that are more fun and interesting than sex. So we decided it should be left to it's intended purpose: procreation.”

“You said ‘third child’, so you were eventually successful?”

He nodded. “Eventually.” He smirked playfully. “The risk of getting caught was its own excitement. Susan's mother was that child. We had kept it quiet, which was advantageous since it kept everyone alive and safe. She had never expressed an interest in following her father’s footsteps to being a Time Lord, so we had no reason to worry about it. In fact, things had gone on quite normally for us, so we just assumed given everyone’s ages, the threats had passed.”

“So ‘grandfather’ wasn’t an euphemism.” River said that under her breath. But she spoke her second thought louder. “And that’s usually when the story goes wrong for you.”

The Doctor shrugged, but couldn’t disagree with River’s assessment. “Susan was about to graduate from the academy and in those days, they had started a process to ensure the ‘purity’ of all Time Lords. So, prior to a student’s graduation, certain legal documents were required. That was when it was discovered that not only was Susan womb-born, but her mother was as well.”

River gasped softly. “I really don’t think I like where this is going.”

The Doctor dared to take her hand in his. It was as much to offer her comfort as to take it. “The Time Lords decided that it didn’t matter how much time had passed, the law was the law. They issued a burn order on Susan immediately following her graduation from the Academy for being a womb-born Time Lord. And they issued one against me for being a Time Lord who fathered a womb-born child. My wife and Susan’s mother were spared, since the point was ‘Time Lord Purity’."

“They had been looking for a way to get rid of you for a long time. I thought I hated Rassilon before, but that…”

He nodded his assent to River’s remark. “We had to run because of the Burn Edict. If we had stayed, we would have been killed.”

She gave his hand a squeeze. “You’ve been running for your life ever since. I’m sorry.”

He shook his head. “I try not to focus on that part. Travelling with Susan actually was wonderful which is partly why I never stopped. And life with my wife before that… We were…” a small reflective smile appeared “…Better than fine.”

He looked down at his ring and River noticed. She had to know if there was deeper meaning. “You said the ring was to remind you that love is a promise."

He nodded. “It is. There are two parts of it, see?” He moved the ring to show her. “The single ban was my original wedding ring. But the signet ring I had made. I wasn’t lying when I said it reminds me of all the goodness that I’ve received from various companions. But as to actually wearing it, when I haven’t worn one in so very long? The reason why I wear it is because of _you_.”

River looked into his eyes at that. She was surprised. “ _Me_?”

He nodded. “I’m married to you. And I’m a sentimental fool.”

River smiled and rested her head on his shoulder. Because she was starting to understand that the issues last night, really were all about whatever biology was going on with him. And she couldn’t change that if she wanted to. But she also realised that it didn’t matter. She loved him for him and while she would accept any kind of physical affection she could get, that wasn’t absolutely necessary.

The Doctor’s words cut across River’s thoughts. “Next you’re going to ask, ‘Why Earth?’.”

River chuckled; her thoughts had been pretty far away from that. But she didn’t interrupt. The Doctor was willingly sharing his life story with her and she wasn’t about to do anything that might stop him.

The Doctor continued, ignoring her chuckle. “Susan always loved Earth. It was the first home she had after we ran. She showed me, back when I was grumpy and annoyed with humans just how incredible they could be. She even fell in love with an Earthling. And David fell in love with her. I suppose I keep returning to Earth because of her.”

River thought it would hurt more, to hear him telling this story, talking about another life he had led that she could never share with him. Hearing that he had loved another like he loved her. But, after everything she knew he had been through, she’s glad. He needs something happy to ground himself and get himself through the hard times. She chuckled softly. “So, Susan was a renegade too.”

He smiled at that and nodded. But, of course, joy couldn’t last not for the Doctor. “After David died, she returned to Gallifrey... She was there for the Time War.”

River gasped again, thinking of all she knew about the War. She gave the Doctor’s hand a supportive squeeze, but remained silent.

“Susan didn't fight like I did. No. But she fought in her own ways. There were only a few who were brave enough to speak out against the High Council and Rassilon in the days following the end of Romana’s reign. She and my wife were among those. When Rassilon tried to bring Gallifrey to Earth, they were branded as dissenters. They were forced to stand like the Weeping Angels."

River gasped softly at the name. “Is that how the Angels got their power again?”

The Doctor shrugged. “I don’t know. There are a lot of myths and legends in the universe that have their foundations in some kind of truth.”

River could tell by how the Doctor was holding her hand that he wanted to be done with this part of his story. So, she decided to ask a proper question. “Rassilon. Do you see him as good or bad? I mean it sounds like he did a lot for Time Lord Society… But…” River shook her head, unsure how to finish that statement.

"Well, with Omega and The Other, they actually founded Time Lord Society. He was the one who created the Eye of Harmony. So ‘did a lot for' would be an understatement. But he was ruthless in how he ruled." He sighed softly. "There were so many Time Lords resurrected for the Time War. He was one of them. But he had died mad for power and eternal life. And that madness came back with him. But it's fine now. When I was on Gallifrey the last time, I banished him..."

“Is banishing him enough?”

"They are at the very end of the universe. Minus a solar system or two. He would be lucky to find a place to land his shuttle, let alone a planet to take him in. Time Lords are hated across the Universe. Many thought we came into the War too late or that we should have done more sooner to prevent the war entirely."

He's as certain as he could be. But then he looked up at her and realised he was now talking about current events. And that made him think of what happened last night. Which raised a question for him to ask. He reached out and placed his free hand on top of her held hand. "How did you do it for so long? Continue to love me believing that I didn't and could never love you in return?"

She shook her head. Hadn’t they already discussed this? “Because it didn’t matter to me that you couldn’t love me the way humans do. You had shown your love for me from the very first moments when I regenerated into this form. I had poisoned you and you were dying in Berlin, but your only thoughts were on how to keep mother and dad safe. And then you wanted to keep me safe too. But it was more than that. You knew I could save you. And you still let it be my choice. My choice when I didn’t even know who I was yet. When we were standing at Lake Silencio on the two worst days of my life, you told me I was forgiven, even before I had done anything.”

A tear slid down River’s cheek, even though she tried to stop it. The Doctor remained quiet and still. He had told his story; this was her turn. “You taught me the importance of understanding that Melody Pond and River Song are the same person. When I was in Stormcage, I lived for the days we would see each other. You gave me the chance to have a relationship with my parents. You helped me to see myself as more than just the killer Kovarian and the Silence had raised me to be. How could I not love the man who gave my life to me? I will love you, even if we grow so far apart that you don’t know me.”

The Doctor was nearly crying now, because that very dark day was still ahead for River. He swallowed thickly, as he tried to make his voice work. “Do you remember what I said about the towers when we were standing on the balcony?”

“You spoke a lot about them, but I thought you were actually talking about yourself.”

He turned his head slightly to look at her and he offered a small smile. “I was, but the bit about the distance between the two towers playing a part in making the music…”

He stopped there and waited to see if the penny would drop. She had a confused expression. “Y-you think that meeting each other out of order is good for our relationship?”

He chuckled. “Not exactly.” He took a breath and debated how to explain it. "When Hydroflax asked who you were, you said that he had stolen so much from so many and that you were the woman who was going to steal it all back. Even though you called yourself a psychopath and I questioned how you were when I wasn't around, when I heard you say that... well, our methods may be vastly different, but we want the same thing."

He swallowed, because this was the main point. He needed her to understand how he saw her. How he would always see her. "But more than that... You're always there, River. Whenever I least expect it, but always, always when I need you most. You have saved me... so many times."

He gave a squeeze to her hand. She had given him her lifetime - literally with her regeneration cycles - and all he had given her was heartache. But he looked at her with all the affection he could muster. He hoped it's enough, at least for this conversation. "I'm sorry that this is the me that can give you linear time."

“Stop it! You do not get to put all the blame on yourself after you took all this time to explain it to me. Now, let me explain something to _you_ : I know you think humans are stupid, sex-driven creatures. I'm sure I've done my fair share of being one. Sex on its own is well and good, but I don't want to sleep with you just because I like sex. I want it with you _because_ it's you. What I don’t want to do is hurt you or make you so uncomfortable that you want to run away."

He shook his head at her last comment. “I don’t want to run. Not this time. I want this to work. I just… Everything was nice – it was good – until it wasn’t.”

He shrugged a bit; he didn’t know how to continue.

River was quiet for a moment, thinking about all he had said. Finally the right words came to her. “I could tell that you were willing to try last night. And I’m glad that you're _still_ willing to try. So if we find we can only go so far with intimacy, that's okay."

"I just wish I knew how to make it... go right..."

"You have years of Time Lord biology working against you. You’re in a body that responds differently to that. And you’ve been through so much… It could be psychological on some level. The more you stress about it – trying to make something happen – the less likely it will. Fertility doctors tell their patients that, don't they?"

The last question causes the Doctor’s mind to come to a sudden halt. River could probably hear the gears brake against each other. “'Fertility doctors'? Are you saying you'd want... children?"

He didn’t sound opposed to the idea, just a bit surprised, given the lives they led and their ages, well... But he actually said it because it was easier to focus on that. He's pretty sure it's psychological on every level at this point and he didn’t want to think about that right now.

River lifted her head from his shoulder at his question. How should she answer that? Something fairly unusual happened. She stuttered. "I-It was just an analogy. A-Are you saying you do? I thought after your first family, and the War, and how our lives are…"

"I haven't thought about it, so I don't know." He didn’t sound opposed, just honestly unsure. "Though, since I can't even decide when I want touch or not, I may never know..."

River slowly returned her head to his shoulder. The man was self-deprecating to a fault. She would have to work on that. But he had given her more today than she ever thought possible. And he wasn’t shrinking away from her touch right now. But she felt she had to answer her own question. “I...don't know either. I mean, sometimes I thought about it. But it was never really an option for me. The Silence didn’t exactly condone personal relationships. And the responsibility of children…”

He gave her hand a squeeze. “It’s okay to not know some things.”

She nodded, grateful for his understanding. She decided they needed a small break from things and so she refilled her coffee and offered to refill the Doctor’s, which he accepted. She took a couple of sips of her coffee before putting forth her question. “I was just thinking about this…” She gestured to the bed. “…Would it be easier if we keep them separate or share less often?”

Oh, that was a question that needed to be addressed. He quietly sipped at his coffee taking time to think about his answer. "I don't know why that needs to be different from now. Some days, undoubtedly either one or both of us will need the space. Other days, it would be running."

Of course, when had he ever not run? But this was different. He didn't want to run. Regardless of how his body seemed to react to things. Or didn’t react to things, in this case.

River smiled softly. “I’m not opposed to things not changing. And if you want to do everything… until things started to go poorly, I’d be happy with that too.”

He swallowed thickly, because, God, why is he going to admit this? "I don't mind ... cuddling."

Yes, that word hurt. So. Much. Like the word 'adorable,’ some things just feel wrong coming from him or being about him. "Right now it seems to be everything after that causes problems."

Of course, he was also serious about the sometimes needing his space. He was used to having the whole of time and space to escape from things.

River hummed softly. “Sweetie, I’ve already said that I want as much of you as I can get."

The possibility that they might never be intimate in that way did sting a little. Still, this is what life between her and the Doctor happened to be like. Whatever either could get, that’s what they would take. "Am I going to be a little sad if we never sleep together? Probably. But I will get over it, if that means I get to keep you in my life. I love you, all of you. Every regeneration. _This_ body, nice as it is, is not the most important thing about you. And as for my needs, I can take care of them myself."

A part of him isn't ready to think about her 'taking care of herself’ so he just replied to the part that hurt when he heard her say it. "You shouldn't have to 'get over it.' Maybe I'm the one who should." Though, based on what happened last night, it's a physical thing for him. He might not be able to 'get over it'. And he hated what that meant for them. "List of things the Doctor can fight: Monsters. List of things he can't: physics and biology." He was trying to make it lighter, because the whole situation just depressed him at some level. "I'm not opposed to trying again. Or trying something different. I said, ‘New body; new rules.’ But rules can be broken once you know them. I assumed..." well they both had "...That it would be like before. If I just got passed whatever it was I'd be fine."

River was much happier with this line of thinking. This was why she loved the Doctor. When everyone else saw an end, he saw a beginning. "In that case, there are plenty of other things we can do together. It could be our little experiment, finding out what your body likes. But you'd need to be honest with me about what works and what doesn't. Any such experiment would be fruitless if it makes one or both of us miserable."

He nodded. “I… Can do that. I might need some practice and someone to set a good example for me, so you’d have to do the same.”

She smiled. “Fair enough. So, for science, you said last night was good until it wasn’t. So which parts were good?”

He smiled, in return. He sort of knew what she was doing, but he wasn’t going to play along quite how she expected. When had he ever? “For science, the next time, start at the beginning and go until one of us says 'Stop.’"

River chuckled softly and shook her head. “Maybe you should do some reading today. I know of a few books to give you a start.”

“The only book I have any interest in is your diary. And I’ve promised not to read it.”

River’s chuckle turned a bit louder, it was almost laughter. “I was being suggestive.”

“And I was doing my best to ignore it. We’re at breakfast.”

River smirked. “Afraid it will spoil your appetite? I think I can fix that.”

“Oh, do please enlighten me.”

River stuck her finger into the jelly of the last Danish and then held it near the Doctor’s lips.

He slowly reached up and held her wrist so he could suck on her finger. Nothing kinky and he wasn’t interested in the jelly. He sighed as he released it. "It tastes like right here, right now. How boring."

She raised an eyebrow. “Oh really? Says who?”

“Says me. Time Lord. I can taste time this go.”

“I believe you, but how could I ever taste boring, given all the travelling I’ve done?”

The Doctor shrugged. “Well, I had hoped to be able to get some sense of your travels. But we’ve been here in one place too long already. It’s dissipated.”

“You really know how to make a girl feel special,” she replied drily. “Any other new things I should know?”

"Let's see..." He lifted one of his hands to count off the titbits on his fingers. "Not the touchy-feely sort. Eyebrows. Four point seven billion years old. Can taste time. Found Gallifrey, banished the President and the High Council. Forgot my last companion.... Oh! I healed someone. Resulted in the fact that she lost the ability to die." He went quiet for a moment. "I think that covers it."

River chuckled again. “Something tells me that doesn’t even come close. How do you classify ‘touchy-feely’?”

He grimaced slightly. He really hated that question. “I suppose saying ‘everything’ is too vague.” That was a statement. He knew that wasn’t helpful. He thoughtfully sipped at his coffee. “Honest answer is: everything from hand-holding to... more than hand-holding. But that's the rule. There are exceptions and clauses. For an example: if my diary can be believed, it took me over two years to be the one to initiate a hug with Clara. And even that was under a bit of stress or rather in response to stress being relieved.”

“That’s… a lot and not as helpful as you think. How do you know when something is a rule compared to a fluke?”

“You, River Song, are many things; but never a fluke.” He paused because he knew what she was asking. “I think we're well past handholding. And hugs. But you need to know the rule, because there might be days where hugs or handholding are too much for me. Just like there might be days when you want to go off exploring on your own." He went quiet for a long moment. “I think… what we both need is to feel safe. And neither of us has enough knowledge of the other to know how that safety should look. But… I was terrified of how this morning would go… And it’s been all right.”

River set her mug down and then took his and put his down to. Then she wrapped her arms around him in a hug. She spoke softly into his ear. “You’re still here. You still want to stay. And I want to give you all I can too. I’d say, we’re doing much better than ‘all right.’”

The Doctor helped River rearrange herself so he could hold her in a way that would be comfortable to both of them. He dropped a kiss on the top of her head.

The pair drifted back to sleep resting in each other’s arms.


	8. Chapter 8

The next week or so, there was still uneasiness between the Doctor and River. They tried to quell it by staying out of each other’s ways – and sometimes by intentionally doing things together. Having separate bedrooms proved beneficial the first couple of nights, but they were soon back to sharing the same room. Somehow, talking had actually helped. There was no expectation or pressure of being more intimate than what they could be at a given time.

It took the Doctor a little longer to settle back into things, because he carried the fear that he didn’t want to appear to be leading River on. He didn’t want her to think because he could hold her in his arms all night that his body was ready for anything more. But slowly, they settled back into a comfortable pattern of domesticity. Or at least as domestic as either of them ever got.

One evening, when River was working on some documents in her ‘lab’, the Doctor was stood in the doorway watching her. She smirked to herself. “In or out. Standing there like that makes me wonder if I should be prepared for danger.”

The Doctor chuckled softly, but didn’t say anything. River set her pencil down and turned to face him. “What is it, Love?”

He offered a shrug. “I was just thinking…”

“How many times have I told you that looks ridiculous on a man?”

The Doctor smirked. “I was just thinking that I really hope the Sisterhood and everyone else is looking after the Universe. I’ve put a lot of work into it.”

River swallowed thickly, she knew this day would come. Honestly, she didn’t think he’d last a week, but that didn’t mean she wanted it to ever end. “You want to go check on it? Because I’m always up for an adventure.”

“What? Oh! No. That’s not what I meant.”

She raised an eyebrow as a way to encourage him to continue.

“I mean I hope they’re looking after it, because I’m getting quite used to this.”

It was River’s turn to chuckle softly. She held her hand out to her husband to encourage him to join her. “I never thought I’d hear you say that.”

He gave her hand a squeeze and leaned against her desk so that he could face her. “Well. I’ve been running for so long, I’d forgotten how this could feel. Stopping. Just enjoying… living… for a bit. I don’t think I’ve had this since I left Gallifrey that first time. I hadn’t realised how desperate I was for a rest.”

She smiled fondly at the Doctor. “You’ve earned it. And it’s doing you some good.”

He raised an eyebrow at that. “How so?”

“You seem happier, more at peace. I can tell that a part of you is still counting, but it seems to be just in your head now, not all over your body like it had been.”

He smiled and tugged her hand to pull her into a standing position. “That’s just you.”

She looked into his eyes and leaned in to give him a peck on his lips. “Perhaps.” She paused for a moment. “Are you saying that you’re perfectly willing to let the universe take care of itself for awhile?”

“I would say there’s someone else who needs my full attention at the moment.” He leant in and kissed her properly.

She giggled softly as he pulled away. “I think I could certainly get used to that. Careful Doctor, I might get spoilt.”

The Doctor shrugged and smiled fondly. “That’s fine. We have twenty-four years to get you unspoilt again.”

When they slept, for the most part, the Doctor stayed somewhat aware. He did not want to have nightmares and no matter how comfortable he became, he wanted to remain diligent. So far as he could tell, he neither of them had nightmares that were too terrible in the time they had been together. He was grateful for that. He knew River had just as many demons as he did and hers would be worse in so many ways. Tonight, all that would change.

The Doctor was still trying to undo the four point five billion years worth of only sleeping seventy-five minutes at a time. It was a lot to undo. But, as River had pointed out, he was slowly learning. He had noticed – especially during the few nights they had spent apart that River seemed to sleep better when he was next to her. That was hardly something he was willing to deny her.

Dreams are funny things. He had said that on many occasions. So at first, he thought he was the one tossing and turning. But as he slowly opened his eyes, he realised it was River. He watched her for a few minutes, debating whether to wake her. But he knew one thing: he shouldn't touch her. He imagined if she was dreaming about anything to do with her training, she could kill him in her sleep before she realised what she had done. That would put a damper on this whole linear time thing for both of them. He wasn’t willing to risk that.

He watched her for another minute, before he slowly slid out of bed. He turned on the light in the bathroom, so that when River woke she would be able to see more than just shadowy shapes. She slept through those activities. He was starting to worry.

He moved around the room – searching for anything she might accidentally use as a weapon. Satisfied, he moved by the door – he wanted to block her escape route, in case things went poorly. Then he softly called to her. "River?"

The Doctor’s voice was like a lantern, chasing away the dark parts of her dream that tried to envelop her. Yet, this once, the dream tried to win. She could see his face as it elongated and he too became one of the Silence that was chasing her. But after a few minutes, his voice separated from the creature and River sat up, panting.

Her hand went to her forehead, pushing her wild hair back from her face as she recovered. Her eyes closed for a moment, so she could get her bearings between reality and her dream world. She opened her eyes again to find herself in their bedroom on Darillium. She looked to her side and saw the Doctor wasn’t next to her. She then saw him standing in the doorway. "I'm sorry. I woke you."

In frustration that she realised she had come this far, only to be haunted by childhood memories, she closed her eyes tightly and shook her head.

The Doctor returned to the bed and sat on the edge closest to her so she could see him without straining too much. He hesitated touching her, still unsure if she was awake enough or not. "Don't apologise, I was about to wake up anyway."

Well. They had been working on telling each other the truth, but in this case, he thought the truth would do more harm than good. So, he had said that to try to comfort her and he winced slightly when he realised it probably wouldn’t.

She had a long way to go before she was comforted. But seeing she hadn’t accidentally hurt him in her sleep calmed her. Like the Doctor, she too had woken from nightmares to things that revealed she was just as dangerous in her sleep as when she was awake. She nodded just a little to show she'd heard him, before she gently rested a hand on his arm. "You're not getting up yet though, are you?"

But then she realised that was a silly question, since he had already been up. So, she decided to be a little more direct. "Stay with me a while?"

He brought a hand to rest on top of hers. Just to offer a little bit of reassurance. “Do you want tea or anything?”

He had to ask that first. Doesn’t tea fix all ills? Besides, he could tell she was not okay yet and asking if she was better would be too direct right now.

She nodded but didn’t release his hand. He looked down at her hand and smirked. “Well, either you’re going to have to come with or let me go…”

But, he wasn’t exactly letting her go either. She offered a faint and small chuckle and relaxed her grip on his arm, but didn’t release him entirely. He looked down at their arms and back up at her. "You could have said 'no' to my offer of tea. I wouldn't have been offended."

He shifted slightly so he could look at her. Touching still came hard for him sometimes, but he reached up and made as if he was trying to move a curl out of her eyes, but really, he just wanted to play with her hair. As she felt his fingers in her hair, River looked in his eyes again. It was that light touch that coaxed her to look at him again, to see the way he studied her. When he spoke his voice was softer than a whisper. "Oh, River Song, what did they do to you?"

He didn’t realise he had spoken aloud. The comment was more reflective than a request for information. Besides, he was able to assume a lot about what they did to her, he just didn’t know details. The softness of his voice made her study him. Her eyes silently questioned him as they roamed his face. She didn’t answer, because they both knew the basics about what was done to her: an innocent newborn was turned into a psychopathic murderer. But then, he had done things to change her path from murderer to wife. “Do you ever forget,” she asked him softly, “If just for a moment, how we began?”

She had a gun pointed at him and death in her eyes. Her training so ingrained that even through regeneration, all she wanted to do was kill him. Now, look how far they had come. How could anyone ever guess that had been their start?

The Doctor was tempted to ask ‘which beginning’? Because he had probably been there for her conception and while he hadn’t been there for her birth, it was near enough. So many emotions crossed his features – as quickly as mental images flashed across his mind. But River had asked a question and deserved an answer. And in that moment, he realised it didn’t matter, because he remembered all of their beginnings. He kept his voice soft. "Never."

Then his lips quirked into that smug little smile he often gave. "But, the first time I met you wasn't the first time you met me."

For him, it was the Library. And he couldn’t tell her about that. He couldn’t tell her how, in just a few hours, she had wiggled her way into his heart so deeply that even when she was sat in front of him, right now, a part of him mourned her death. All he could do is try to communicate that by how he looked at her.

She knew, of course. Their lives, so complex, yet tightly wound together, twisted throughout the whole of time and space. Living this one night for twenty-four years was the perfect example of how they began and undoubtedly how they would always end. She smiled knowingly, dipped her gaze a moment, overwhelmed by the vast range of emotion in his eyes. That was always how they communicated when words were too difficult or too dangerous. "That hasn't happened for me yet," she remarked quietly, voice still tremulous with restrained emotion, "You meeting me for the first time. I suppose there's still time. After Darillium." She smiled sadly as she tried to hide the hurt in her eyes. "I'll probably be just as bad as you and keep putting it off." She exhaled a chuckle that contained no humour.

His expression fell slightly to match hers. Mostly because he hated endings and he hated them more when she was trying to protect him from whatever it was she thought she needed to protect him. He lowered his head so that their foreheads touched. "River... I told you, you don't have to worry." He chuckled softly as he tried to lighten the mood. "Besides, by the time these twenty-four years are up, you'll probably be so sick of this me, you won't be able to wait to meet the next me."

They both knew what happened after Darillium. Well, he knew details. River knew the stories and rumours. She could tell he was trying to make her smile again, so she allowed a small one to lift the corner of her lips, just enough to chase the sadness from her features. She replied with an attempt at humour of her own, hoping he now understood nothing could be further from the truth. "You might be right."

But there was a question that has been a burden for many years. She has feared that first meeting for so long for what it might do to her. The fear of seeing him look at her with no recognition in his eyes. “But meeting you for the first time what was it like?" It was tempting a conversation that both of them had shut down time and again with the simple word, ‘spoilers’. A part of her didn't want to know the answer, yet a morbid part of her did. "When you met me for the first time? Tell me."

He was quiet for a long time. Debating how to answer, debating if he should answer at all. Of course, the easy answer was 'spoilers'. But he couldn’t do that to her. Not now. Not while they were sitting together like this. Not when he wanted to try to calm her fears from the nightmare. But thinking about that time, resulted in the nervous habit he had in his tenth body – the one of tugging at his ear.

He nodded to himself, decision made. “Lie back down. And I’ll tell you as much as I can.”

He didn’t want their timelines to disintegrate, after all, so he had to be careful.

River did as she was asked and he joined her under the covers. His hand cupped her cheek so that he could sneak his fingers into her curls again. He took a breath and spoke quietly, as if starting a story. "A lot of running, a little bit of screaming, some dying... Honestly, I was pretty focused on keeping people alive."

He blushed just the faintest bit, even though this body was well past blushing. But, had he known that he was meeting her, or what it would mean, he would have done everything differently at the Library. He certainly would have paid closer attention to her. It wasn't until she told him his name that he gave her much credit. "But as usual, you were very good at putting me in my place. Even told me that you're allowed to have a career, too."

Oh, that hurt a bit to say. He quickly covered up any emotion that might have slipped onto his features. He had no idea that pain was still so raw, especially when she was right here beside him and he was touching her.

River chuckled softly. "Ah, I didn't go easy on you then?"

He smirked in reply. “Does the word ‘easy’ even exist in your vocabulary?”

She smirked allowing a little more humour into her smile. "You didn't know where to look when I walked in, did you? This strange woman, being all mysterious – bet you loved that."

Her last comment and smile earned an answering chuckle from him. "Actually, I told you to turn around and get back on your ship and leave." He smirked. "You only got two words out."

“I’m sure I can guess which two. No wonder you told me to leave."

The reply was something of a front. She could guess how much she must have alarmed him; this woman who knew him intimately and he knew nothing of her at all. Inside, her heart ached with the pain of what was to come, knowing those words would tear her apart.

He saw the sadness and reached up to caress her cheek, trying to ease it away. "No, River. I told you to leave because I knew the running, screaming, and dying that would happen if you didn't. I didn't give any of you a chance to talk. You just got to speak first."

And she got to speak last too, if he was honest. But he chased that sadness away with a smile as he leaned his head in until it was touching hers. "You made quite the impression."

"I should hope so."

She wouldn't want it any other way. She pulled her head back a little, to study him at this close range; his deep emotions were just barely hidden by his smile. She leant back in and pressed her lips to his in a tender kiss.

He should be used to them by now, but her kisses still surprised him sometimes, especially after ‘that night’. So while he did kiss back, there was hesitancy to it, mostly because they were lying in bed together and he didn’t want her to think something might happen, just because a little time had passed.

When River pulled back from the kiss, he looked a bit confused. "What was that for?"

It took her a moment to realise what he was really asking her. That question that rested beneath his words. When she did, she gently frowned, concern in her eyes that he would doubt her after all they have been through. She couldn't blame him. When he'd turned up on Mendorax Dellora; she had barely given him a second glance while snogging two other men in front of him.

"Sweetie," she spoke gently, bringing her hand to his cheek, over that weathered skin and the telltale lines, "You're always the same man to me. Would you think I'd love you any less for what face you wear?"

At his hearts, he was the same man to her, no matter what. And their time here had proven to her that she was loved by him. That's what was important to her now. Everything else? Well, they were very nice bonuses.

He gazed at her for a long time before he answered. Finally, the reply came out a bit hoarsely. “No.”

Then he offered a small smile. “So many have said that and then I’d go through regeneration and…” he shrugged, “Then I would learn they hadn’t realised what they were saying. But, you… For the first time in so very long, you can say that and I can trust it.”

He leaned back in, touching his head to hers again. He made a silent plea that she not hurt him like so many others had. And though River did not speak, he heard her reply. “ _Never_.”


	9. Chapter 9

The Doctor was in his lab, working on an instrument that could measure how much pressure or resistance was placed on the crystal layer simply by the sounds the towers created. With a simple formula, it would him how fast the wind was moving through the different vents inside the towers, without having to go into the vents to measure it properly. This was needed, since on one of their caving trips, the Doctor and River discovered that they could never fit into all of the crevices that existed.

River loved to watch the Doctor work, almost as much as he enjoyed watching her. The biggest difference was that the Doctor was used to people watching him work. So when River would linger in the doorway or sit on his desk to try to get his attention, by and large, he would just continue to work on whatever it was that held his focus. While sometimes this didn’t bother River, other times, she wished he would just pay a bit more attention to her.

It had been a few months since that night that hadn’t gone as well as planned. And they had both learned to adjust and adapt a bit. River could now tell, based on the Doctor’s moods, exactly how much physical intimacy he would accept. He had told her that sometimes holding hands was too much, but she was surprised to learn that environment didn’t seem to bother him. When he was accepting of holding hands or a peck on the cheek, it didn’t matter if they were in public or private. This pleased her to no end.

Though, if she were honest, she didn’t know if that was his way to compromise or if he actually didn’t care about setting. Most people didn’t know of the Doctor’s desire to please others. As long as no one was in danger, he was willing to go to surprising lengths to make his friends feel comfortable.

River had been deep in thought, so she hadn’t noticed the subtle pauses he started to take as he worked. He was paying attention to her, even if she couldn’t sense it. The fact that this time together was probably the last time he would ever see her meant that he was always paying attention to her; even if she didn’t know it. He almost preferred that she didn’t know. It made it more interesting to watch her, to see how long it would be before she noticed that he was paying attention.

Finally, he set his things aside, tidied up a bit so he could come back to it later, and stood to leave the room. River was leaning against the door-jamb, clearly in thought, since she hadn’t seemed to realise he was standing. He stared at her for a long moment. It was the same stare he had given her when he had wanted her to know he _was_ standing in it with her. When he finally spoke, it was quiet and soft, yet reflective. “Why are you still here?”

River tilted her head as she raised an eyebrow. “Did I forget the milk? Or did you throw me out without telling me?”

A goofy grin appeared on his features, because her question made him feel a bit like a kid being caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He shook his head. "Neither."

Then he placed his hands on her shoulders, giving them a couple of strokes before allowing his hands to follow along her arms and take up her hands in his. He tilted his head and considered her, because he knew she was really asking him to explain his question. "I was just thinking..." Hadn't she said that looked 'weird on a man'? "You're still here with me. In linear time." He shook his head again as he gave her hands a squeeze. "I can't imagine why."

Not really. He had never understood it. Not with any of his companions. But those who stayed on, especially after Martha because Martha was right to leave when she did, it was always a wonder to him that they’d stay. Most recently had left because they were taken from him in one form or another: River's parents, Clara, and Donna. But given who River was – who he was too, he just couldn’t comprehend it.

She led him out to the sitting room. Some parts of Darillium’s night were colder than others. This was one of them, so the fire was going. Besides, she had a feeling this conversation would require the comforts of a couch. "Clearly you've got me under some sexual spell, enslaved to your every whim."

The Doctor waggled his eyebrows at her in a playful manner. River joking about sex was comforting. It showed that she didn’t hold the – setback – against him, even if he was still holding it against himself. But if they could be playful about it – it didn’t hurt as badly. Even small moments like this, proved to the Doctor that River supported him, but she wasn’t going to change every aspect of herself just because he had. Slowly the Doctor was realising that River too had days that she wasn’t interested in holding hands or anything as well. Feeling that way said nothing positive or negative about either of them as people or about their relationship as a whole.

She managed a straight face for just over a second before she laughed. "I couldn't resist," River said with a not at all sheepish smile.

He smiled in return. Acceptance meant that he had learned to be a little playful. Even if being playful didn't mean (or lead to) anything else. That felt good. Comfortable.

Everyone always told him to not be alone. Then, for four point five billion years, he had been forced into what everyone told him to avoid. Given what he had done on Gallifrey, he understood now. He could handle being alone for that amount of time. It was the other side – having to relate to people again where all of the problems happened.

Being reunited with River that first night, had taught him how to laugh again. He had laughed like he hadn't laughed in so. very. long. Their time together, even now, held a surprising amount of laughter. That had been very good for him. His laughter had become one of her favourite parts of the day. She was glad not only of his personal progress, but the way their relationship had grown in the past few months. They managed to surprise each other and today was one of those days.

Once they were both settled on the couch, she continued. "In all seriousness… I don't know what profound answer you're expecting, because I haven't got it. I'm here because I want to be. Because I _can_ be."

He was not entirely sure what answer he had been looking for. The doubt that he experienced was enough for the question to be asked. For as much as everyone thought he saved the universe, he had also put it into peril. And he remembered the times he failed or caused harm more often than he remembered the good. But River said she wanted to be there. That she could be there. Was that enough? "Well, I feel that way too. But that's because being here with you is better than anything I can hope to find out there."

He noticed her face fall slightly. Then he thought about his choice of words. “No! Wait.” He sighed heavily. “I don’t mean it like that. I just mean, that there isn’t anywhere else I’d rather be. But, I'm not as altruistic as you. And if I can find what I'm missing..."

He shrugged a little. Well, maybe he could love her properly; as she deserved to be loved; as she wanted to be loved. So that she never again had to say, 'Whoever said he loved me back?' Doubt was a bad thing in the Doctor. It just circled deeper and deeper creating a black pit from which he couldn’t escape. While it had been a long time since he had given any indication of how much he hated himself, it was still there. It just wasn’t as close to the surface as it used to be.

It was her turn to look confused. "Sweetie, I'm fairly certain that any altruistic tendencies I have, I picked up from you. Besides, it's not a contest." She leaned over enough so she could rest one hand on his knee and gave it a gentle squeeze. "You think something's missing? Why?"

He bit his lip in slight embarrassment when she mentioned it wasn’t a contest. Everything was a bit of a contest to him this go, even if he denied it. _Especially_ when he denied it. His expression grew reflective when she asked why he thought something was missing. He looked down to see her hand resting on his knee. He wondered how long it had been there. Slowly he rested one of his hands on top of hers and quietly answered her question. "Because you give me so much. And what do you get in return? Some old Time Lord who runs away every chance he gets. Coming for the battle, never staying for the cleaning-up." He held up a finger to stop any interruption. "And don't say I'm staying now. I know what comes after this. And I know how long I've run from that too. This? Twenty-four years? It _is_ running. Just in a different way."

"Explain how it's different." Her tone was gentle but demanded an answer. She didn’t understand what was going on in that giant Time Lord brain of his, but she was willing to listen. "If anything, I think all of this is another battle that you've come to fight. And so far, you're winning. Unless I'm the one who's missing something."

He should be used to this by now: the gentle prodding, usually accompanied by a little bit of ego stroking. It was times like this he hated to love her as much as he did. Because he didn’t want to be that vulnerable with anyone, but she just drew it out of him. Her tone didn’t help with his predicament. That was just another form of encouragement. "Usually when I run, it's after the battle's been won or lost. Most often, it’s some combination of both. But I don't stick around for the fallout, the recovery. This time? I'm running in the same way that I ran from ever coming here to begin with. Only now, I'm trying to find ways to make these twenty-four years last as long as possible."

He was running from sending her to the Library. Not that he could ever tell her that in such plain terms.

"You're running from saying goodbye."

Well, leave it to River to put it into plain terms, then. A sardonic smile appeared along with a soft chuckle. "Don't I always?"

But River knew this was their last night together. The Doctor just knew the details of what came next. He'd been making excuses to keep her from Darillium for so long and now she knew the stories she had read had to be true. "Doctor, I don't like goodbyes any more than you do. And if you find a way to stretch out our time together, well... I'm certainly not opposed to it."

The goodbyes were part of why 'cleaning-up' was too messy for him. He gave her hand a squeeze, as if to say, ‘Don't worry, River, I’m doing the best I can.’

She flashed him a half-smile. She was still as selfish as ever when it comes to him. "You have all these exalted titles across the galaxy. But do you really think so little of yourself to question why I'm still here?" She shook her head. "My love, you are an idiot."

He was tempted to tell her that he really didn't like all those names across the universe. It was part of why he wiped himself from as much of history as he could. His lips twitched just a bit at the mention of ‘idiot’. If the conversation were lighter, he might have smiled. “Doctor Idiot.”

Of course he questioned why she would stay with him. He had questioned it for every companion except for Susan. It would be no different for the woman he married. He shrugged. "This time around I admit it quite often. I spent a long time trying to figure out if I was a good man or not." He sighed. "Ended up with identifying myself as 'idiot'." But that still didn’t help him with his original question. "So, help Doctor Idiot out..."

Sometimes River hated being clever. This was one of them. She thought if she could just get the Doctor to talk, they could sort it out. But maybe not this time. "I already said I don't have anything profound that you don't know. First off, I love you and have loved you for centuries. Second, you love me back. And in ways I used to think impossible. And for a while, I thought domesticity was boring for someone like me. I thought it would chain me down and kill me slowly." If she was being overly dramatic, she didn’t seem to notice. "Spoiler alert, I was wrong. This time together, back-to-back, is a whole new adventure. Whatever makes you think I'd get off the ride early?" She shook her head. "You think somehow we're unequal, that I give more than I get. And sometimes it was like that, before. But not now. Now, we're experiencing things together without any risk of spoilers. What could be missing? Sex? We’re working on it. And frankly, that’s more than a lot of other couples do. Intimacy? We’re closer than I could have imagined. Can we be closer? Sure, but we’ve got time. Love? We can fight something awful but it's never changed how I feel for you. If anything, I think I love you more."

He would never understand her professed passion for him. He didn’t know how to help her to understand why he needed to ask that first question, or why he can’t entirely accept her answer. How did he explain it without the spoilers that he held? He couldn’t tell her that when she leaves, it won’t just be about her death. He will hurt her in the worst way imaginable – by not recognising her and not accepting anything about her until it was too late. He had (and will) hurt her. It was that simple. And he couldn’t talk about it, not the way he needed to.

Ultimately, his brain couldn’t comprehend that she loved him more now. For him love wasn't quantifiable so to think about it being 'more' is just painful. She could probably hear the clank-clunk as his mind came to a sudden halt. What could he do with this information? How should he explain it? "I... But I'm..." He took a breath. Why does River always make him tongue-tied? He could take down whole armies without saying a word, but now? Not so much. He tried again. "If I could choose any of the mes for you to have this time with. It wouldn't have been _this_ me. You deserve the best..."

He gestured to himself and shook his head. He was far from his best.

"Stop that!" she said sternly, batting down the hand he had used to gesture to himself. "Stop it right now! You don't get to play that card with me. No one, Doctor, not even you, can choose who they are when they fall in love. It just happens." She huffed. Her anger came from a place of love, but it was still anger. She got to her feet so she could pace.

He was a bit shocked when she got up and started to pace. This... wasn't the reaction he expected. Frustrated? Maybe. But pacing and angry? Well no. River continued, before he could get too far down that thought process. "You don't get to sit there and start separating yourself from the other yous like you're so drastically different. Like you're a step down. Because you aren't. You're still as stubborn and self-deprecating as you ever were. And 'the best'? Who are you to decide who's best for me?"

There was something strangely endearing that she was angry at him... in defence of him. And the same him at that, not different hims. She was angry with _this_ him in defence of _this_ him. And that... that was new and that was why it was endearing.

She stopped pacing when she caught sight of his face again. He was in thought, but was trying to close himself off as well. Right. Getting angry with him for being honest wasn't productive. She knelt in front of him, putting her hand on his knee for balance. She searched his eyes, as she tried to find a way to apologize for her outburst. She dropped her voice to a gentler tone. "I can't... I won't spend the next twenty-four years with anyone else."

He leant forward. "I'm not sure I will ever understand. But I'm sorry I angered you."

It was sincere, not just an 'oops I pissed you off' apology. This was an 'I had no idea that's how you saw things' apology. He was learning from her, too. He leant a bit further so that he could kiss her. It was just a small seal on the apology. As he pulled back, one of his hands caressed her cheek. "I can't promise I'll ever get rid of these doubts." He offered a small shrug.

River leant into his touch. "I forgive you. I… got a bit heated. But, you're my husband. I won't have you putting yourself down like that. It isn't fair, to me _or_ to you."

He didn’t care if it was fair on him or not. That was the ugly head of self-hatred popping up. But not fair on her? Well. He hadn't thought of that. He finally lowered his hand, gave her a nod that he could accept that, and sat back into the couch. "Just do one thing for me.... If any of this gets to be too much or too boring... If you ever want to... go... You'll at least tell me."

He had been stuck in a place for billions of years – alone. Twenty-four with the woman he married is easy by comparison. Especially since he didn’t feel stuck. It honestly felt more like a gap year - letting himself have the chance to rest that he's never dared to do before.

River sat back into the couch before she spoke. She returned her hand to his knee. "I promise, in the _extremely_ unlikely event that happens, I will tell you. Only if you promise the same to me."

He returned his hand on top of hers, then folded his fingers between hers and gently tugged her toward him so he could give her a kiss on the lips. It was another quick one, because he had words to say - when didn’t he? "What did I ever do to have you in my life?"

River let him pull her on top of him. The position had become a common and comfortable one over the past few weeks. She stopped herself from calling his gesture romantic. He tended to deny having any capacity in that department. But she wondered if he knew how it made her feel any time he exhibited those subtleties. She chuckled. "Who says you did anything? You struck it big out of sheer luck."

His deep chuckle answered hers. "Well, that explains everything. Used up all my good luck to get you."

He would deny that as being romantic too. In his opinion, it was a simple statement of fact. He helped to get her repositioned over him, mostly so he could bring his arms around her and hold her properly. Also it put her in just the right place so that he could bury his nose in her hair and he could smell her. Not that he would ever admit to that either.

"Damn right you did.” She loved the way he held her. It was another reason why she stayed: she trusted him implicitly. Letting him hold her like this, was her way of telling him that. "I don't have this with anyone else, you know." She probably never would. "Only you."

He couldn’t resist the chance to take a jab at Ramone and the diamond and Cleopatra. "I certainly hope so. I'm a monogamous and jealous sort. So I'm glad to know something is reserved just for me."

He didn’t count the other marriages. Firstly, they were hardly what anyone would call marriage and secondly, it was before he and River were married.

"Yes, Number One, I'm _quite_ familiar with your jealousy by now." She chuckled wryly. "When are you going to drop it?" She lightly elbowed him in the ribs. "False pretences and questionable legal status. Like _you_ never got accidentally hitched. Honestly."

He grinned into her hair when she called him 'Number One'. A little ego stroke here and there never went wrong with him. He shifted suddenly when she elbowed him, which brought a sharp end to his grin. "Oh, I've been accidentally married plenty of times. But I tended to only marry when my other wives were deceased." Which is why he considered himself monogamous. "And to answer a question you asked months ago when we were on the _Harmony And Redemption_ that I don't think I ever answered: “Yes.”

River had no idea what he was talking about. “Yes?”

“Yes. I had to work at being _this_ boring."

"If by 'boring' you mean old-fashioned, then you're very good at that." She turned her head to look at him over her shoulder. "I'm not going to apologize for the others. It's not like I loved them.”

"If by 'old-fashioned' you mean having some sense of morals or guiding principles, then, yes. I thought you knew that already." Because two could play this game. They often did and they were both very good at it.

She rolled her eyes. "How could I forget, when you take every chance to remind me. Hypocrite." She crossed her arms over her chest. If they were going to play, she would play. "Are these the same guiding principles that had you whisking away a gal on the eve of her wedding, or marrying your best friend's daughter?"

"Oi! Amy didn't tell me until much later that it was the night before her wedding. And by the time she did, well, the universe was in trouble, wasn't it? And, in case you forgot, _she_ kissed _me_."

This playful spat did not upset him. He knew River understood about the night before the wedding business. They had talked about it enough. But it somehow eased a tension, simply because it was a familiar argument.

But the bit about marrying the daughter of his best friends, that was new. At least he couldn't remember her using that phrase before in the form of an argument. "As to marrying my best friends' daughter, both friends gave permission."

Never mind that they had to. Never mind that he was inside a 'Doctor suit' so maybe it hadn't been a legitimate wedding anyway. Maybe he should rectify that. He never told her his name. At least not that he could remember. Unless an earlier him had told her and she had made him forget.

She laughed. "As if they knew what they were permitting! They were doing as they were told."

It was an alternate universe where time was falling apart and they hadn’t quite remembered being her parents anyway. Helping Amy keep the two timelines straight had been hard enough, but the whole 'I'm your daughter' discussion had been much harder.

"Amy knew. I heard her explain it to Rory." But River was right, that was actually a poor example.

She sighed and decided to try to get them back on track. “We didn't have a conventional wedding, whatever made you think we'd have a conventional marriage?"

"I never said I thought we'd have a conventional marriage. I said I was the jealous sort." The type of marriage didn't matter. He'd be jealous to hear she married another even if they hadn't been married. And he would say that wasn’t romantic either.

The Doctor was proving stubborn today. She huffed quietly. "Fine then, regale me with examples of your many wondrous principles."

At her request, he moved to sit them up, repositioning River back onto the couch so she didn’t fall. His right hand reached into his trouser pocket. While he was doing that, he used his left hand to take her right forearm. The way he took it forced her to take his forearm as well. He pulled out a familiar looking strip of material. Of course he was sentimental enough to carry that specific bowtie around everywhere with him. He wrapped it around their joined arms and then whispered in her ear. "Is this answer enough?"

River's features very quickly melted from sceptical curiosity to surprise when he pulled out his reason. By the time he was finished binding their arms with it, her face looked much like it did on a certain balcony when she learned the length of a night on Darillium. His breath against her ear was pleasant - but it took her a moment as she looked between the former bowtie and the face of her husband. Her words were whisper-soft when she could finally speak. "No wonder I couldn't find it."

The expression on his features wasn’t smug. He would never be smug about this. It was just love and affection. "When time reset...” He shrugged. As if that explained everything. He ended up with it. And he couldn't let it go.

"I looked for it for ages! Every time you picked me up I went searching for it!" All that time she spent 'getting dressed' for their dates, she was really ransacking drawers throughout the TARDIS. "I couldn't have a ring but I wanted a memento. To remind me it was real." Her free hand brushed over the strip of cloth binding them, like she almost couldn’t believe it was in front of her again. Deep down, she was as sentimental as he was. "I started to think it burned with the Teselecta, so I settled for one of your other bowties."

The Doctor thought he screwed up again, but he couldn't let her have it. The way they met in the wrong order, it would be too big of a clue. Besides, he liked having it with him. It was a way for River to always be there. And his bigger-on-the-inside pockets always had the space for it.

River raised her head to meet his eyes. "I hate you."

He started to reply, "No you dmhgh..."

Well, she was the one sending mixed messages now. Not that he didn’t respond to her kiss with some enthusiasm; he did. It was slightly awkward, yet interesting to kiss while having one hand bound the way it was. Mostly he wanted to do nothing but hold her properly for this kiss and he couldn’t. So, he stopped trying and settled for trying to pull her closer with the free arm.

She was overcome with awe and affection, but they were on more or less the same page when it came to the kissing. She hooked her free arm behind his head, so she could run her fingertips through his hair.

The kiss went on for a bit. At times like this, it seemed neither 'fought' for control. They simply enjoyed it. Of course, he had several advantages over her. The biggest was her respiratory by-pass. She still needed to work on it and kissing was one of the ways they practised - fun for her and well, him too, but for different reasons in the early days. He could tell when she was nearly to the end of her limit. Since this wasn't about practising, he slowly brought the kiss to an end. But he wasn’t about to stop the closeness they had and brought his forehead to rest against hers.

Now he was wearing that smug little smile he sometimes had. "As I was saying, no you don't."

She gasped for breath a little when he finally pulled from her lips, their foreheads resting together. She laughed gently. "Clearly. I got carried away."

"You've spent copious amounts of time with humans. It's a trait you've picked up. I'll find some way to forgive you." Though the look he gave her said either he didn’t actually mind, or he was looking forward to inventive ways to not forgive her.

River looked down at their bound arms and stroked the material gently with her free hand. "Never thought a piece of fabric would mean so much to me."

He smiled because that was one of the reasons he wore his ring. It was silly really. Such items only had the meaning an individual decides to assign to it. He looked at her, awe and wonder and affection and yes, love warring for dominance on his features. He leaned in and whispered something in her ear. It sounded like a word, but it was something the TARDIS translation circuits didn’t translate.

River half expected some smug comment about proving his principles - hadn't they been debating that earlier? But it wasn’t. It was a word entirely foreign to her. She didn’t recognise it from any book she had ever read nor any language she ever studied. It took her a few moments, but River very carefully turned her head back to him, eyes wide. "Oh!"

He pulled back and just watched her. Partly because he want to watch her as the realisation struck her when she worked it out. Also, because he had a vague memory of everything slotting into place during this part of the ceremony and he wondered if it would happen again since he hadn’t done it 'right' this time.

River leaned in, close to the Doctor’s ear. Even if this was the only time she ever had the chance, she needed to feel the weight of his name on her own tongue. "Hello," she whispered, trying out the new word near his ear.

His hearts stuttered when she spoke his name in return. Given how their hands were bound, he wondered if she could feel it. Of course she could. The steady double beat of his body is a pattern her mind latched onto whenever they were close enough. Any change to that regularity would attract her attention.

Given that the spoken language of the Time Lords had been dead since the Time War, he was impressed with how well she did with the pronunciation. He leaned forward, this time to capture her lips again. He was glad he waited until this moment to complete the ceremony. He had wondered if he had waited too long, but no. This just felt right. When the kiss came to a natural stopping point, he pulled back, but only far enough that he could look into her eyes. "I love you, Melody Pond."

Her heart skipped a beat. No one had called her that name in a context like this before. It sounded beautiful. "I know," she whispered. She could now see it in detail through all of their times together, in a way she couldn’t before. "I love you, too." And just because she could, she finished by using his name.


	10. Chapter 10

When River learned that the wedding ceremony hadn’t been completed until the Doctor told her his name, things turned a bit rocky for a few days. It wasn’t that River wanted to go back on it. She had just questioned the validity of the marriage for so many other reasons, including the collapsing time lines. She hadn’t thought to question it because some part of the ceremony had been incomplete. She wasn’t angry or surprised. Just hurt. And hurt that it took the Doctor so long to tell her.

The Doctor did what he could to make amends, but it was obvious that this was something that River had to get through on her own, so he mostly tried to stay out of her way. He spent a lot of time tinkering. Something had changed, but he couldn’t put his finger on what it was and he was fairly certain that River was in no mood to help him work it out.

After several days – maybe a week – time was a bit relative on Darillium, things seemed to settle down again. The change was good, though. They felt more comfortable around each other and the Doctor was growing more confident at least in his subtle expressions of his love for River.

They slept next to each other each night. Sometimes one would curl around the other. Sometimes they would just be next to each other. Nights were always difficult for the Doctor. It was always in the deep, dark night, when River was asleep that he would notice that he was still keeping time. Months had passed since his time in the Dial, but he still counted time. The most difficult moments for him were when he’d reach eighty-one minutes and forty-eight seconds. That was when his desire to run became the strongest. Most nights he would force himself to remain where he was: to fight through the urge to leave. He had to convince his body and his brain that he was safe. During those moments he would stare at River, promising himself that she would never have to know the horrors of his internal struggle.

Some nights, he would give in and leave. Sometimes, just moving to a different room was enough, other times, he needed the safety of the TARDIS, and still others, he needed to run distances. Usually he ran in a straight line, since turns and curves just reminded him of the castle. Tonight, he stayed. His body was too worn out from running and he needed to find a way to trick his mind into letting him have some rest. It only took a few more minutes before the Doctor fell asleep properly.

About seventy-five minutes later, River woke with a start. Something was moving in the bed. Once she had her wits about her, she realised it was the Doctor. He was caught in a dream or nightmare. She gently shook his shoulder. “Sweetie? Wake up.”

That didn’t work. It seemed to only agitate his state. She tried calling louder. At that, his eyes snapped open, but he clearly didn’t see River before him.

The Doctor scooted out of bed on his side. There was something in his expression that River was not used to seeing: fear. The Doctor spoke in a mocking tone. "Well, aren't you getting clever? Why don't you come over here? Come to this side of the bed. Come on. I'm waiting."

The Doctor planned to jump across the bed and run to the other part of the castle. He would always figure a way out. It was a clever Veil that had decided to wait until he was properly asleep to try to attack him.

River watched the Doctor with interest, but something was tugging at the back of her mind, telling her there was something wrong. "Yes, I am _quite_ clever. Nice of you to finally notice."

She slid out of bed on her side and took a step away from it; she wanted to give the Doctor space, if he needed it. "Are you being fresh or are you sleep-talking?"

He shook his head, as he tried to clear it. "And you've learned to talk now as well. That, or I've been here too long..."

He noted that the creature hadn’t moved, at least not towards him. That was new. "Well, come on, you'll never be able to reach me from there. And I'm not going to waste a confession."

The word ‘confession’ caught River’s attention. Because the Doctor had mentioned that confessions were a part of being trapped in his Dial. But she didn’t know how to wake him up, since he was obviously dreaming.

The Doctor just gave the Veil a look. "Oh, you know better than to just stand there. Come to this side of the bed. Come on. You'll never reach me from there!"

At the Doctor’s command, River reached to the bed and grabbed one of the pillows. She had no idea who he thought she was, but she wasn’t about to jeopardise her life or his over a nightmare. She gently threw the pillow at him. More of an experiment to see what he would do.

He batted the pillow away. "Nice try, but I already know it has to be your hands."

River’s frown grew. “Seriously?”

He jumped onto the bed and scurried across it to make his way to the door. He opened the door and made his way out of the house and towards the TARDIS. Of course, he was just seeing that blasted castle.

Some part of him was awake or had some level of awareness. Or maybe he just desperately wanted to get to his Storm Room. He snapped his fingers, hoping it would work to open the doors. Ashildr had taken his key and he couldn’t be sure the TARDIS would grant him entrance any other way.

River saw where he was headed and hoped she could get there before he could take off somewhere. Actually, she hoped the Old Girl could sense what was going on and not let him go anywhere. At least not without her. Quick as she could, she raced across the cold metal floor to the Central Console. The Doctor was setting coordinates and she tried to undo any of the settings he made. He had a hard enough time piloting the TARDIS when he was awake and aware of what he was doing. "Wake up! I'm not about to spend the next two decades cleaning up after you kick a hole in the side of the Universe!"

"Ah, but you see if I can make the castle move from here, no more confessions will be required."

Not even the TARDIS knew what was happening. Not properly. She hadn’t been there with him. Ashildr had taken away the key that had always served as a connection between the pair. So the TARDIS literally only knew what the Doctor had allowed her to know. He had so far kept a great amount of his time in the Dial locked away. She didn’t feel like she could be much use right now except she could refuse to go anywhere.

The Doctor continued to try to change settings to get the castle to change positions. Once he thought he had done it, he moved to one of the other exits in the console room... only to find that he couldn’t get out. "No..."

There was more fear and desperation in his tone than anything else. Perhaps a bit of abject terror was there as well. He thought he had outsmarted the Veil and clearly it had cornered him.

River could sense that the Old Girl was as confused as she was. That was less than helpful. She looked up at the Time Rotor and begged. “I just need an idea of what’s going on in his head! You’re connected to him, surely you know.”

In reply, River received impressions of the Dial, of the fear of being hounded. That information wasn’t very helpful. It only confirmed her suspicions. But the TARDIS also indicated that she had been trying to wake the Doctor, but couldn’t reach him. River would have to be the one to wake him.

"Doctor." She called his name again, coming around the console to him. "Doctor, _please_. Wake up. You're safe, you're not there any more."  

She reached out to him, but hesitated, since she didn’t know how he would react to touch.

The Doctor released a surprised yelp when the creature was much closer to him than he expected. "Agghh! How did you get here so fast? It hasn't even been fifty minutes yet!"

He ran around the lowest level and then made his way to the top level, but every door was locked. "Oh. Very good. Trap me here so you can kill me. I said I was afraid of dying. I wasn't lying. But, frankly, I think you're just cheating now."

He stopped running and slowly made his way back to the main level of the console room. The mind is a funny thing. His memories of Clara were simply blocked which meant that in a dream-like state they could bleed through. "Clara's last words were 'Let me be brave.' And she was. And it nearly killed me to watch. I couldn't very well let her face death alone. We had done so many other things together. But, she was so calm. I hope to be half as brave as she was. So, maybe it's time for me too. Even a Time Lord can live too long. No more confessions."

River watched him try to find an escape. That was her Doctor: never giving up. She felt a little helpless; not only because she couldn’t come up with a way to break him out of the dream, but she was certain she was learning more about his time in the Dial than he ever wanted her to know. It felt invasive. The Doctor was the kind of man – no matter his incarnation – that would share things when he was good and ready, but he didn’t like being forced into it. He hadn’t given her details; hadn’t told her that he had been hunted. Now she watched him carefully. He spoke of Clara as if he remembered her. Maybe, if there’s any good to come of this, she can help him get those memories back.

The Doctor was stood completely still. He closed his eyes to prepare himself for whatever form of death this would take. He expected that even with his refreshed regeneration cycle that he would not survive this. He just didn’t know specifically what would happen to him if the creature caught him.

River met him near the console. She could tell that he was preparing himself to face death. "My sentimental idiot, I promise you I will never use this information against you."

He was still standing there with his eyes closed and remained perfectly still. But, the previous statement sounded like a request for information. So he had to reply. "I told you: No. More. Confessions!"

He couldn’t understand why it was still talking – nor how it had learned to talk to begin with. He didn’t remember it having lips.

"I heard you. You're the one who needs to shut up and listen."

She approached him she opted to not touch him, not just yet. She was afraid that in his dream state it might cause him to think that he was going to die and Time Lords being the way they were, he probably would end up dying. "It’s my turn to make a confession. I said before that I didn't want to hurt you. Well, I'm about to make myself a liar. And I'm sorry, but if it works I'll gladly forgive myself."

With that, she slapped him across the face. Hard.

The Doctor was already in a dramatic state so the slap had more impact than River had intended and he fell to the ground. He expected to be writhing in agony, burning inside and out like he had all the other times. Only.... it didn’t feel like he was dying. He closed his eyes again and just breathed for a moment. When he opened them again, he looked at his hands. They weren’t burned like he was expecting. He blinked a few times and looked around the console room. He realised it was a bit more alive than his storm room. The calming hum of the TARDIS was like a balm on his frazzled mind – something he never quite duplicated in his Storm Room. He blinked several more times and then looked around for the creature... Only to find...  "River?"

He reached out a hand toward her, but was terrified to touch her, what if this was just another way the Veil had found to trap him. After all, 'No one ever knows if they're dreaming or not. Not ever.'

Lucie Miller had one time told River about the Doctor’s occasional need for ‘cognitive recalibration.’ She just had never expected to have to use it in a situation like this. The Doctor looked so small and unsure when he reached his hand out to her. She knelt near him. "Hello, Sweetie."

Her voice was gentle as she reached out her hand to clasp his. He gave her hand a squeeze. But he still looked very confused. He slowly sat up, using her as more leverage than was normal for him. River tried to calm him further. "It's me. And you're you. And I promise you're safe."

He looked around, trying to take in his surroundings. "H-how did I get here?"

He didn’t want to know. Not really. If what he was currently remembering was even half of what had actually happened, he really didn’t want to know. While they both had been working on being more honest with each other, this was one case where River decided that lying might be better in the long run. "You were sleep-walking, dear. I turned around and suddenly you were out of bed. Took me ages to find you, don’t know how you ended up in the TARDIS."

He sat there for a minute and glanced at her from the corner of his eye. He knew she was lying. And he was grateful for it. It gave him time. "Thank you."

There was sincerity to his voice that told River he knew what she was doing. He took a couple more breaths before speaking again. "I don't know about you, but I could go for some tea."

She gave his hand another squeeze. "Anytime. It's pretty much my second job, saving you when you can’t save yourself. Now up you get, Damsel, we’ll go get that tea."

She helped him to his feet and he started to make his way to one of the TARDIS kitchens. She should have known he would probably feel too vulnerable to make his way back to their house. She could deal with that. They hadn’t had tea on the TARDIS like this in awhile.

The Doctor was silent as they walked to the kitchen. He was brooding, in fact. River could tell he was in a mood and thought it best to remain silent as well. When they got to the kitchen, he made his way over to the water kettle, filled it, and set it to boil. Once that was done, he rummaged through the cupboards for tea and honey. He remained silent as he made the tea. River took a seat at the table, only glancing at him occasionally as he made the tea. She didn’t want to make him feel more uncomfortable than he already was.

When the two cups were ready, he brought them over to the table, sat one in front of River, and took the empty chair across from her. She offered a quiet “thank you” when he presented her cup to her. The silence continued, save for the interactions with their cups. She was actually quite still with hers, aside from adding a touch more honey. He took a few sips in silence. Finally, he was calm enough to face the situation. "You have questions."

"You know I do, otherwise you'd be phrasing that as an interrogative."

He nodded once and then made a gesture for her to continue. He knew he was entirely in control of this conversation. But, as with many things, he also knew he could control it without saying a word.

"Yes, I've got questions. You’ve got a new haircut and you went on a rampage deleting references to yourself from the universe. But I don’t know if you're in a good spot to answer them…"

He gave her a long look. He was trying to mask the pain and doubt he felt – the vulnerability. He only succeeded partially. "I may never be in a 'good spot' again, so if that's what you're waiting for, you may as well not even bother with the questions."

"So we just sip our tea and sit in silence? I don't think so.” She paused for a moment. She wanted to try to offer him an out if he really didn’t feel ready to discuss this. “All right. Did you snog Amy the night before my parents' wedding?"

The Doctor couldn’t believe River was asking that question after everything that just happened. Well. Fine. It was actually a simple one for him. "She kissed _me_. I tried to get away from her and..."

He shrugged. He was unsuccessful. And that made him really uncomfortable to think about in this body. Especially when he thinks about the fact that she’s now his mother-in-law. He squirmed uncomfortably. River chuckled a tiny bit at his reaction. "Alright, I get the picture. I can tell you're re-living the horror."

She looked into her cup. The next question would be harder for him, but would move them toward talking about what led them here, so she decided to ask it. "Do you ever check up on us? The ones you leave behind?"

That question was like a lance through his hearts for so many reasons. But he wouldn’t lie, not after everything that just happened. "No."

It came out as a pained whisper. He offered no explanation; just that one-word answer. The answer made River look up into his eyes. There was so much pain and honesty summed up in that one word. She stretched her hand across the table and rested it on top of his. “We don’t have to do this right now. Do you want to stop?”

He turned his hand over so he could take hers properly and gave it a squeeze. “I’m just worried how my answers will affect you. I’m a big boy, if I don’t want to answer a question, I won’t.” 

She nodded. “So is that why you didn’t come to see me when I was recovering with the Sisters of the Infinite Schism?”

He shook his head. “I _did_ come. I left you the diary.” But he knew what she’s really asking. “It was the same reason why for so many years you had to answer 'spoilers' whenever I had questions. I wouldn’t risk your timeline disintegrating. Besides, you had all of your own choices to make. You had chosen to save my life, which was the start of you breaking free from Kovarian’s hold. The rest was and still is up to you."

He would have never forgiven himself if anything happened to her timeline. As it was, he held himself accountable for all that happened to her – for not saving her sooner.

"Stop that.” River’s voice cut through his thoughts and he felt her hand squeeze his. "I can practically see the gears of self-loathing churning and I want you to stop it. Don't beat yourself up over me. Nothing they did to me was your fault."

He offered her an awkward sort of smile. "I should have anticipated this... That now that our time lines are as in-sync as they could possibly be that you would know me too well."

He didn’t sound bothered by it, though. It was more of an observation than anything. She nodded her assent. She took another sip of tea. "You know, I think that this is what real marriage is like."

He raised an eyebrow at that. "Asking questions that draw-out discomfort from both parties is marriage? Good to know, since I don't think we could do it any other way."

She smiled fondly. “No, I mean knowing each other and talking honestly, even about the tough things. Mother and Father seemed to do it that way, at least as much as I saw of them, they did.”

He nodded. He couldn’t disagree with that. It had been so long since he had to experience proper marriage that he is only just now realising how much he had forgotten.

River watched his reaction carefully and decided he might be ready to talk about what brought them to this point. “Are you feeling better now?”

There was the question he had expected her to start with. Therefore, he had his answer well prepared. "Might regenerate from embarrassment later."

Her hand touched his arm again, this time as a gesture of reassurance. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Of course he didn’t want to talk about it. Not really. But he knew he should. So instead he asked a question of his own. "How much have you worked out already?"

Because he knew she was clever and asking that question not only served the purpose of him not having to explain everything, but it means he won't accidentally insult her intelligence. Besides, if he was entirely honest, he didn’t know how much of his current memory was of the dream or from the actual experience. Such was the way of dreams that blended into reality.

She was quiet at first; unsure of how much honesty he could tolerate at this point. "You told me quite a bit in our first weeks here. You faced something in the Confession Dial. Something that tried to force you into confessing whatever it was the Time Lords wanted to know. It chased you through a castle and could kill you by touch." She lowered her eyes to her mug of tea to give him space. “It’s still haunting you.”

He listened. He was quiet and still for a long moment after she answered. Then he stood, walked over to a cupboard, and pulled out a bottle of Zholdoss Whiskey. He poured a healthy bit into his tea and then set the bottle on the table. He figured River could have some if she wanted, but he wasn’t going to make any suggestion that she should. He took a long sip and gave it another minute to take effect before he replied. It was a fairly potent whiskey, which is why he kept it down here in the kitchens, but it still took a little time to move into the bloodstream. "When I was very little, there was an old woman who died. We covered her in veils, but it was a very hot day and the flies came. The creature chasing me was based on that. Four point five billion years being chased. I don't expect to not be haunted. I just…"

He thought since he had talked about it before without anything happening, that he was over it. He took another long sip as he waited to see her reaction.

River picked up the bottle and poured some whiskey into her own tea, she now had a very good idea of what monsters faced when they opposed him. Even if she wasn’t the monster herself, she saw first-hand what he could be like from their point of view. “Has this kind of thing happened with anyone else around? I remember you saying the TARDIS made sure to protect you, but…”

The Doctor shook his head. “You’re the first person I’ve wanted to spend any time with since… it happened.”

She offered a small smirk. “So I get infused into your nightmares as the creature trying to kill you. You really know how to flatter a girl.”

She was trying to make him feel better. She was trying to let him know that it was all going to be all right. The look of near terror on his features when she said that told her she made a grave mistake. It was too soon. She again reached out her hand to take his. “Sweetie. I shouldn’t have joked about it this soon. I’m sorry. But you got out. You’re not there any more and I know that I can wake you.”

He shrugged. Not really satisfied with her comments. “My demons are out too, apparently. Followed me into my waking nightmares."

He squeezed her hand, more to reassure himself than to comfort her, because in this moment, he was selfish like that. "I know I promised you this time together... but maybe it would be better..."

He didn’t want to finish that sentence because he wanted to give these twenty-four years to her. But he was worried about making sure he wouldn’t hurt her. He needed to keep her safe.  She wasn’t about to let him say it anyway. A fierce whisper escaped from her. "Don't. You. Dare."

Her hand tightened around his again. "You do not get to do that! You can’t just give me hope and show me all the possibilities and then take it away. Didn’t you say love is a promise? Prove it to me. Make me believe it."

"Sometimes the promise means knowing when to let go..." He wouldn’t be cruel, though. He wouldn’t tell her that was what he learned from her and Amy at Manhattan. "River, I would never forgive myself if physical harm came to you because of me." He could seriously harm her and he wouldn't know what he had done until it was too late.

"It won't!" she insisted. "You didn't put your hands on me once when you were...seeing that thing. Besides, there's no way in hell I'm going to let you fight this on your own. You've already had lifetimes of that. I’m here now and we can face it together."

"River..." It was a plea as much as a command. But he stopped himself, tried to reign in the emotion long enough to explain it properly. "I don't know if I can…"

He hoped she would understand, because he wasn’t sure he could explain it.

"Can what? Let me see you like that? Or are you afraid I'll see you looking at me like a monster?”

"That too. But I was more referring to letting you help. I don't know if I can let you help. I'm the one who helps others. And I didn't hurt you _this_ time. But there's a high probability of it happening."

"Probability is not a guarantee," she replied firmly. "How many times have the odds been stacked against you and you beat them? Why should this be any different? Besides, if I don't help, then who will? Answer me that. Who else knows you and knows what it's like to be afraid of their own mind?"

He made a weak attempt to get her to release his hand, but gave up. Instead, he lowered his head to the table in an attempt to hide his face. "This is different, River. I have billions of years of instinct working against me now."  In his mind, that wasn’t something people just 'beat' as some voice in his head ordered. His voice was almost non-existent when he whispered his last statement. "I'm so tired."

She remained still and allowed his last three words words hang in the air. Finally, she released his hand, got up, circled the table, and crouched down beside his chair. She gently wrapped an arm across his back.  "I know, Love. But maybe that’s the point of this time together. Maybe this is your chance to rest. And you can rest with me. But neither of us can have that if you leave.”

He slowly turned his head to look at River. He didn’t raise it from the table, though. "You have to promise me something: if I ever hurt you physically, you'll tell me."

Because he’s terrified he wouldn’t know and the idea of lacking control to that extent is honestly the worst thing he can imagine.

River tilted her head slightly while she offered a gentle smile. "There will never be a need. But yes, I promise."

He didn’t move until she made her promise. Then, he cupped one of her cheeks with his hand. "Then I'll try to let you help."

It was all he could offer. He wouldn't be opposed to therapy. But there really wasn't any therapist qualified for this situation. The closest he could think of would be Ohila, but he didn’t know how to contact her now.

River smiled at him. “That’s all either of us have ever needed: a chance. But for now, let’s get you back to bed. Maybe spending tonight on the TARDIS would be better?”

He nodded, suddenly feeling too drained to move any more. She helped him to stand and walked with him to their bedroom on the TARDIS. River was grateful that the Old Girl had moved the room next to the kitchen they had been in. Once she helped the Doctor into bed, she climbed in on her side, and the pair slept the rest of the night without further interruptions.


	11. Chapter 11

The Doctor still had a strange rule about not staying on the TARDIS – or even travelling much. Whenever River asked him about it, he said the temptation was too strong. River, of course, had her own ideas and no different from before, she would occasionally steal the TARDIS. What the Doctor didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.

But today would be different. Today, the Doctor had something special planned that he hoped River would enjoy as much as he would. He found her sat in her favourite reading chair and he approached her, trying and failing to keep the impish grin off of his features.

River was reading, but she caught his expression from the corner of her eye and didn’t even give him a chance to speak. “Whatever it is, no. I need to finish reading this today so I can work on the next section of the book I’m writing. After all, publishing is part of being a professor.” 

“ _Time. Machine._ River. And don’t pretend like I don’t know you’ve gone off on your little jaunts.”

He gave her a weighted stare. She sighed heavily and closed her book. “Fair enough. So what is it?”

He did grin properly then and offered her his hand. “Well, my dear, _that_ is a surprise.”

She couldn’t begrudge him anything when he grinned at her like that and so she took his hand.

He led her out to the TARDIS. Since he had already set the coordinates, he only had to take off the handbrake and engage the lever. Once they materialised, he gestured to the door that she should go first.

She opened them to see a horizon opening out ahead of them. The moon was not yet at it’s full brilliance and in the farthest distance, there was still a sliver of glow from the sun that had set. Bemused, she stepped completely out of the TARDIS and onto the rocky terrain. And then she looked down. "You should've let me drive!"

She scolded light-heartedly; she couldn’t wait to see the Doctor's reaction to this. She couldn't help but smirk it was certainly a way to explore the Towers they hadn’t done yet.

He scratched his face as he came out to see where they've materialised. He was feigning as if this had not been entirely planned. Of course it had been. "Will you look at that view? Where else are you going to get to see something like this?"

Nowhere. That's the answer, River. Nowhere and it was more perfect than it had been when he came up here to set everything up, if only because River was here. "Besides, the TARDIS knows what she is doing, there has to be some reason…"

"Well, at least somebody did!" River teased, but she had to agree with him, there was nothing quite like the view. She turned to look back at the restaurant they'd dined at. That seemed much longer ago than it had been. Her smile widened as she was stood there, atop the Tower with the gentle breeze in her hair. It was rather perfect.

"Oi! I know exactly what I'm doing." And just to prove it, he gestured to the other side of the TARDIS. River was curious about what he was up to. But that was when she noticed a blanket, basket, a few pillows, and the Doctor’s guitar placed in a sort of tableau. He had clearly planned this. He gestured that she should make herself comfortable. She couldn’t resist the smile that crossed her features. “What are you up to?”

He smirked as he made himself comfortable next to her. He picked up his guitar and put the strap over his shoulder. Then he pulled out his sonic specs, put them on, and aimed them at the TARDIS for some reason River couldn’t comprehend. He whispered, "Now, we wait..."

It wasn’t long before the wind blew through the Towers and the song began. It sounded different when they were seated there on top of the towers. But, oddly the sound wasn’t much louder. It allowed him to be able to play along. "You see it's all physics in the end. Even the guitar is just physics. But if you know enough, then you can simply join in."

Which is what he did. Picking a gentle melody that wove its way through the harmonies the Towers provided. That was when River realised what the Doctor had done with his specks. He had turned on some speakers connected to the TARDIS.

River tried to bite back her smile and failed. She couldn't help it as she watched him as he played his guitar, a top the Singing Towers, of all places. She listened for a long while, the music of the Towers mixed hauntingly with the notes of his guitar. He had played for her a few times, but never like this. This was like he was revealing another part of his soul to her that words could never properly express. She lay back on the blanket so she could look up at the stars. She contemplated the fact that the Doctor could probably name every one of them, given the chance.

He continued to play until the winds calmed again and the music faded a bit. He took his guitar off and set it to the side and reached into the basket. He pulled out a bottle of wine and two glasses. After uncorking the bottle, he poured a bit of wine into one glass and offered it to River. Then he poured another for himself before leaning back with one arm propping him up just enough that he could sip at the wine comfortably.

River might be looking at the stars, but he only looked at her. Stars he could see anytime he wanted. He only had her for these few short years. "So... what do you think, River Song?"

As the music softened to a gentle hum – not unlike the TARDIS – River decided she could change position and use the Doctor’s chest to pillow her head. This of course resulted in the Doctor having to change positions and he put one of the pillows under his own head. Still both were quite comfortable once they were situated.

"I think we'll do just fine." She looked up with gentle warmth on her features. She believed they will be more than fine – even with all the little bumps and hurdles they’ve experienced so far. She wouldn’t waste a single second of this and she was fairly certain he wouldn’t either.

He nodded as he rested his free hand across her stomach. She wasn’t in a good position for him to lean down and kiss her hair, so the gentle caresses would have to do. “Good. That’s… Good.”

Very carefully, she turned over as she set her glass of wine out of the way. She rested her hands on his chest and perched her chin on top of them. She looked up at him, at the expression on his face, those lips she hadn’t kissed in far too long. She'd always been the more intimate of the two, initiating much of their affection, especially in their younger days - but given how different things were now, she was hesitant to initiate the contact. She didn't make a move, or say anything, and hoped the look in her eye was enough.

Except, it wasn’t quite enough. The Doctor was still afraid of encouraging her. He was still afraid of things turning sour. Besides, beyond River, people just didn’t look at him like that in this body. That combination meant that he didn't know how to respond to it. He knew how his body _should_ respond to it, but didn’t know if it _would_.

On the other hand, he didn’t want to offend her. Didn’t want her to think that his not wanting this had anything to do with her, because it didn’t. It was all on him and whatever issues he had in this body – he didn’t even think he was aware of all the issues. He decided to compromise. Between those conflicting thoughts, he leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss to her forehead. He tried to infuse all of his love and care into that one gesture, hoping it would be enough.

River was slightly disappointed, but they had talked about this. She understood. She took a breath to calm herself, moved her hands to his sides, and rested her ear upon his chest where she could easily hear the beating of both of his hearts. She smiled. She could hear his love for her there. It would be enough. At least, that’s what she told herself.

He cleared his throat. "It's... erm... dinner. I brought dinner in the basket."

Yes. Running away. That was what he was good at. River sighed. “Just, give it a couple more minutes…”

He couldn’t resist. And she clearly didn’t hate him for his suggestion. He set his glass aside and wrapped his arms around her. That much he could do.

A couple of minutes turned into ten and eventually River resituated herself so she was again using his chest as a pillow. The Doctor again wrapped his arms around her. River asked him about one of the twinkling lights in the sky. She specifically said ‘twinkling lights’ since not all of them were stars and she didn’t want him to get going on the difference between planets and stars. The Doctor chuckled and told her about the requested spot.

Finally, after River had requested another two points of light, she slowly sat up, helped the Doctor to sit up, and retrieved both their wine glasses. “Dinner.”

The Doctor smirked. “Something tells me you just like being in control.”

“I _am_ in control, my love. Or haven’t you noticed?”

He was about to reply when he realised she was right. He hated it when she was right about things like this. Instead, he just started to unpack the basket and set out their dinner. He had chilled spicy chicken strips on a bed of spinach with finely chopped red cabbage, carrots, and baby orange slices. He topped the salads with a tangy vinaigrette dressing.

River smiled as she accepted her plate. “You’ve really outdone yourself.”

He shrugged. “Salads are easy.”

River fondly shook her head. “I wasn’t talking about the food, dear. Or at least, I wasn’t _just_ talking about the food.”

The breeze kicked up again and the Tower started to sing. The Doctor put his plate down and picked up is guitar to play along with it.

River continued to eat, but after a few minutes made an observation. “This is becoming your new pass-time, isn’t it?”

The Doctor shook his head. “I enjoy it. It’s calming and a good way for me to work through things.”

River arched an eyebrow at that. “Really? And what things are you working through?”

He offered a small smile. “I’ll let you know when I’ve figured it out.”

A few minutes later, the song again faded, so the Doctor decided he could eat. By this time, River had finished and reclined on the blanket as she slowly sipped at her wine.

After the Doctor finished eating, they curled up together again. Only this time, the Doctor’s head was on River’s stomach. River was casually running her fingers through the Doctor’s hair. But suddenly, her mind would not quiet down. She had started to think about their future here and what she wanted from their time together. She thought about all the things she didn’t want as well.

The Doctor hummed contentedly. “This is nice.”

River smiled. “Just nice?”

He closed his eyes and nodded his head. “Well, not _just_ …”

River chuckled softly. She wanted a distraction, so she pointed to another twinkling light and asked about it.

The Doctor suddenly understood what was happening. His previous bodies had all kinds of trouble calming down and being still. This body seemed to understand the joy of it. He slowly sat up and moved off of her so that he was sitting up, but turned to face her.

She missed the warmth and weight of him instantly. "Hey, get back here."

"Do you want to go back as we were, or do you want to talk about the stars?"

It was a serious question. River ran her hand through her hair. "No, I... I like that we were so close. My mind just won't shut up all of a sudden."

He sat there for a minute, giving her a chance to calm herself on her own terms. He smiled a little when she mentioned her mind. "I know. I could… Sense it."

River quirked an eyebrow. “Sense it?”

The Doctor debated how to explain it. There were so many abilities she should have as a Time Lord, but he didn’t know how many she had. He tapped the side of his head. “Telepath. When you’re married…. It changes. Attunes itself. Since I hadn’t married a Time Lord, I hadn’t understood until now.”

River frowned. “So you know what I’m thinking?”

The Doctor smiled and shook his head. “More how you’re feeling. It’s like a current in a stream. I know how turbulent or calm you are. The further away from each other we are, the less I can sense it. But it’s always there, now, in the back of my mind, like the TARDIS’ hum.”

She smiled at the comparison. But then she shook her head, a bit sadly. “I don’t sense anything.”

“Well, for one, that talent is a bit like the respiratory by-pass. It doesn’t just work automatically; you need to train it. Practice.”

She looked hesitant. Even without the connection the Doctor knew what was bothering her about this. He reached out a hand and gently placed it over hers. "I might be able to help you... if you're open to it. But, given your history..."

He could only imagine what her life with the Silence had been. He didn’t want to make it difficult for her, but if she wanted to learn, he was willing to work with her.

She gently bit her lip in thought. She sat up, voice slightly wary. "Open to what? Telepathy?"

It wasn’t an outright no, nor was it a yes.

He bit his lip mirroring River’s expression. He nodded, a little afraid of his voice. But then he realised he should speak. "This takes total freedom. So saying 'no' is acceptable. In fact, better than saying 'yes', when you're not ready to say yes."

That... sounded decent in his head compared to how it came out. He hoped she understood that there would be no pressure one way or the other. It was simply an offer of help.

"I'm afraid of what you'll see in there." The slightest waver in her voice confirmed the truth. She glanced down, just the tiniest bit ashamed.

He gave her hand a little squeeze. “Nothing that you don’t want me to see.”

River was quiet for a long moment. The Doctor could sense her inner turmoil, but he didn’t know what her answer would be. Finally she looked up to meet his eyes. “Okay. What do I need to do?”

The Doctor was shocked for a moment. He had expected her to say ‘no’ – especially since he didn’t know what the Silence had done to her and he figured she didn’t either. But he smiled warmly. She would be safe in his hands. He knew how to do this, how to start off slow. “Just lie back and get as comfortable as you can.”

River did as requested. The Doctor for his part used his hands to gently stroke her hands and then slowly moved up her arms. He wanted to help relax her and when she had done this to him, it had felt calming. He hoped it did the same to her. “When we begin, we’re going to start off slow. I’m not going to try for a complete connection. I just want to give you the chance to feel what it’s like to have my mind connected with yours. It’s okay to feel scared or to be nervous. This is something most Time Lords learn as children in the Academy.”

River reached up and touched one of his hands. “If I’m going to be able to do this with anyone, it will be you.”

The Doctor smiled and nodded. “If at anytime it gets to be too much, just imagine a large front door and close it. I’ll know to get out.”

River nodded her understanding. The Doctor wanted to give her time to change her mind. “Do you still want this?”

She nodded. “I do. I’m apprehensive, but I do.”

He nodded in return. “Like I said, we’ll go slow.”

He moved his fingers into position at her temples and closed his eyes. “One. Two. Three. Contact.”

He normally didn’t do the counting out loud and hadn’t initiated contact by using the word in ages upon ages, but he thought it would help River to know it was coming. It would at least give her a chance to close any doors before he got in.

He was pleasantly surprised to find himself within her mind. He just remained in what was effectively the anti-chamber. He didn’t push any further, even though there were a couple of open doors he could have used. That wasn’t the point this first time. He stood there for a minute and then quietly spoke her name. “River.”

The environment around him shuddered for a moment. Then her voice came to him. “I’m here. I think I am. It’s like I can feel you everywhere and yet I know you’re outside of me...”

“Breathe, River, everything is okay. I’m not going any further this time.”

He could tell that she quieted down when he reassured her about what was happening. He would have to remember that for the future. He remained there for some minutes, just allowing her to get used to the experience. When he could tell that the fear of being harmed in some way was getting too difficult for her, he offered her an invitation. “This telepathic connection goes both ways. If you want to enter my mind, you can.”

“How?”

“Do you see an open doorway that doesn’t look like one of yours?”

“Y-yes.”

“That is the door to my mind. It’s open, so you can step through it. You don’t have to…”

“I… they never… I didn’t know that was possible.”

His voice was filled with soothing compassion. “Shh. I know. You don’t have to. But it is there if you want to.”

He waited with somewhat baited breath to see what she would do. Since his mind could be very overwhelming, he had all his doors closed and locked, except for the anti-chamber.

He gasped when he felt her enter his mind. He thought he was prepared – used to it. But it was unlike anything he had experienced before. Maybe because his first wife wasn’t a Time Lord, but he didn’t remember it ever being like this with her… He wanted to wrap his mind around River and never let her leave.

“Thank you.” He felt himself saying it before he even thought the words had come to his mind.

River chuckled softly. “I didn’t do anything.”

“Oh River, you _did_. You faced your fears and accepted my invitation.”

Which is more than a lot of people had done recently. He could sense River looking around. He could feel her disappointment before she even voiced her concern. “All your doors are closed.”

“I know. That’s just for this first time. I know how curious you are, how you like to wander. I don’t want you to get lost in my mind. You’ll never get out.”

He could feel the understanding spread through her. It just made him want to remain like this forever. He again felt River chuckle. “Even I know we can’t do that.”

“I should have known you would be a quick learner.”

“Especially when it comes to you. I will take all the knowledge I can gain.”

He hummed quietly and then he sensed the subtle shift in River. He knew it would happen. Her mind and body were saying it had been long enough. He had to agree. “Alright, River, we’re going to disconnect now. So first, you need to go back through the door into your mind. Then count to five and open your eyes. Okay?”

“Yes.”

He counted to ten before he opened his eyes. He looked down at her. “How are you feeling?”

“All right. How long was that?”

The Doctor closed his eyes and tapped into his time sense. “About two and a half hours.”

River gasped. “But it felt like barely five minutes.”

The Doctor nodded. “Dreamtime runs faster, these connections sometimes run slower. Time has no real meaning in the mind.”

He saw the shift in River before she knew what was happening. He leaned down to kiss her gently. The telepathic field between them was still there, so he sent just one message to her: “ _You’re safe_.”

River pulled back from the kiss and reached up to caress his cheek. “What’s wrong with me?”

He looked down on her with great fondness. “You’re feeling vulnerable. It’s not unusual to feel that way after the first time. With your history, it’s expected.”

“I still heard you. When we kissed.”

He nodded slowly. “We’re married. It’s something that can happen between married couples. I’m a touch telepath, so we will always have to be touching for it to work, but as you get stronger with this ability, we won’t have to work so hard for it to happen.”

River nodded. “Work. That explains why I’m so tired.”

The Doctor slowly sat up. “Yes. We should get you back to the house before you fall asleep.”

“Will you stay with me?”

He had already turned and started to pack things into the basket. “As long as the universe is kind enough to let me.”

He couldn’t promise her forever. He couldn’t even promise her until her death. That would be a different him. But he could offer her that much. It would have to be enough.

When he finished packing the basket – including the blanket and pillows, he handed his guitar to River for her to carry and he carried the basket into the TARDIS. He returned them to the garden and helped guide River into the house. He helped her to change into comfortable clothes, and then tucked her into bed. Once he changed clothes, he joined her, pulling her into his arms, but made sure she couldn’t sense any of his thoughts.

The pair slept peacefully in each other’s arms.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a shorter chapter (at least how this fic rolls) with a bit of awkward fluff (the Doctor is awkward about fluff). I hope you enjoy it anyway.
> 
> * * *

The spare bedroom had remained precisely that over the past few months: spare. While they had met some lovely people on Darillium, the Doctor was fairly certain none would ever be staying with them. That was fine. He decided he had plans for this room. But he would have to implement them carefully so that River wouldn’t know until he was ready.

The day he decided to show off his efforts, he made sure to first put water, fruits, nuts, and other snacks in the room. When he felt everything was ready, he went to get River. She was hesitant at first, since she was in the middle of reading a book, but finally gave in.

River took in the transformation. “Doctor, what _is_ this?”

The walls were covered in material that was a rich chocolaty colour. It actually looked more like a tent structure. He had even found a way to make the ceiling a little lower. There were faery lights all around, which were dim enough to be comforting, but bright enough for reading. At the centre of the room, there was a large king-sized mattress, on the floor. It had more pillows than would be strictly necessary, but it looked comfortable. A variety of materials were used for the pillowcases: satin, jersey, cotton, etc., so they could choose whatever made them most comfortable. There were small tables scattered around the bed to provide places for the snacks and water.

He grinned. “A reading room? Meditation room? A quiet place to calm that noisy head of yours?”

River smirked. “Oh is that all? Because I thought it looked like a fort.”

The Doctor might have blushed just a tad. River’s smirk blossomed into a smile. “It _is_ a fort! I haven’t played in one of these since Mother, Father, and I were little. But how am I to quiet my mind with you around?”

He gestured to the door. No anger or sorrow in his action or his voice; just acceptance and a statement of fact. "I don't have to stay."

She took off her shoes and got onto the bed. “You do. I’m not going to break this room in alone.”

The Doctor smiled and followed River’s lead. The pair got comfortable. River took one of the plates that had a bunch of grapes on it. She smiled and plucked one from the vine. “Care for a grape?”

He scooted himself closer to River – since this was a bed, he left a bit of space between them when he had gotten in. Never mind that they slept together every night, this was different somehow. "Okay."

He held out his hand, expecting her to place a few into it.

She looked at his open hand, amused. Either this was something he had never done or hadn’t done in so long he had forgotten how it worked. She held up a grape between her fingers. "No, dear. Open your mouth."

He pulled a face, clearly not understanding the point of what was happening. "River, I'm over two-thousand years old. Or over four billion years old, depending on how you count it. Which admittedly, four billion is over two thousand, but the point stands: I'm quite capable of feeding myself."

She had told him to open his mouth; he just added words to the mix.

"Oh, then I guess I’ll have to just eat them all myself."

She popped a grape into her mouth, just to prove to him she wasn’t kidding.

He was confused. He didn’t understand the point of doing this. Besides, he wasn’t all that hungry. She had offered, so he'd accept. But, she had to turn it into this thing with feeding and that caused abject confusion for him. "I don't understand. What's the point in feeding someone who's quite capable?"

If this was another pudding-brain tradition, he was never going to Earth again.

River smiled at his confused expression. It was almost adorable that a man who looked so old, who _was_ so old, would know so little about these things. She had mercy on him. "Intimacy, darling. Of the non-sexual kind." She paused to munch another particularly juicy grape. "It's a little about pampering, but mostly about trust. And it can't be weirder than you trying to taste time… the way you sometimes do." She picked up another grape and held it in front of him. "Do you trust me?"

He was still confused about how this had anything to do with trust. He didn’t understand why she felt like she should pamper him, when he was the one who seemed to mess their intimacy up. Which is why he did things like this: small things that took thought and planning and just a little bit of effort. He did them to pamper her and she was turning it around and making it about him. Which is why he hated emotions; they're confusing! However, her comment about him tasting time made a little bit of sense. He nodded to her question. "Always."

He opened his mouth. It was a bit hesitantly, because of his conflicting thoughts about the situation, not about whether or not he trusted River. He did trust her, like he said, ‘Always.’

River smiled as she brought the grape to his open mouth and gently pushed it in. "See? Old Time Lords _can_ learn new tricks."

“It’s not a new trick, if I know how….”

She shushed him by putting another grape into his mouth. She reached for a small handful and offered them to him. "Would you like to try?"

“Try feeding myself? I told you…”

She slapped his arm lightly and giggled softly. “I meant would you like to try feeding me?”

He chewed the grape thoughtfully. He really didn’t understand why this was such a big deal to her, nor why humans found this as an example of trust. Or again, why they even enjoyed it. He didn't really feel any different. But he slowly sat up. "Okay."

He was still entirely unsure about this. Not so much how to do it, but the whys. He accepted the grapes into one hand and looked at them, then looked at River. He realised he didn’t understand the mechanics of this. "So... do you want to lie down or..."

"Of course I do," she said in that tone of voice he knew all to well. She clearly had something up her sleeve. Quick as she could manage, she rolled onto her back and placed her head in his lap. She placed her hands on her stomach and closed her eyes. "Feed me, husband."

When River more or less took over his lap, he chuckled. He lifted a grape and brought it to her lips, gently touching it to them to get her to open her mouth. He watched her as she opened her mouth and chewed the grape slowly, clearly savouring the experience. He smirked. "I think I understand why you married Cleopatra."

River hummed a little in displeasure, how many times was the Doctor going to bring that up?

He continued, "So this is going to be a bit like talking to the TARDIS." He waited until she finished chewing and then held up another grape before she could reply. "Because I'm going to do all the talking and all you can do is hum in reply. I don't even know what to talk about." He was blabbering. Because, really what was the point of this? He still didn’t get it. Why was this about trust? "The least you could do is give me a topic."

He was already getting bored. Which had nothing to do with River. This was simply an activity that he considered pointless. But he held up a third grape about three inches from River's mouth. If he was going to have some sense of control, he was going to use it.

She leaned up a little, trying to bite the grape out of his grasp. He raised his hand a little when she tried to get the grape. Once she settled back down, he raised his eyebrow at her. He was waiting for a topic.

River sighed. "Fine. You like to cook now, so how about food? What else can you make?"

He rewarded her with the grape. But he held it so she actually had to bite it in half. He ate the other half so that he had time to think about his answer. "Well, Julia Child taught me a thing or two. I like to do a proper fry-up, mostly because it's quick and tasty. But, like you saw, I can do a full proper dinner. But I think I’ve gone a bit rusty with my more advanced skills. I've been on my own a fair bit... Clara... Schoolteacher if the things around the TARDIS are anything to go by... Couldn't travel with me all the time, for obvious reasons. But eating out fancy isn't much fun without someone to share it with, so…"

He learned to cook. And he was carefully avoiding the fact that he was actually on his own for four point five billion years. He could talk about himself fairly well, when he had a topic.

River smiled up at him. “Well, you’re not alone now. I’ve never been one for cooking much. Digs don’t lend themselves to anything terribly fancy. And when I was home, I couldn’t really be bothered cooking for one. But, I might be interested in learning a thing or two.”

"Who said I would teach you anything? I'm fairly sure Julia would object to others learning certain tricks that she taught me." He was mostly arguing for argument’s sake.

"Ruin my fun why don't you." She pouted. "So if you can’t teach me anything, what do I do when you're in the kitchen? Watch sports on the telly and make you get me a pint?" She laughed. "How very twenty-first century."

He had eaten another grape when she started to talk. He chuckled when she mentioned ruining her fun and right out laughed when she mentioned watching sports and him getting her a pint. Luckily he didn't choke on the grape, but only just barely. "Well, if you really want that, I'm sure I can arrange something."

He held up another grape for her, mostly to keep her from replying to his sarcasm. It wasn’t so bad, now that they were talking. Sure, he still didn’t understand it, but it wasn’t as bad as he thought. "I’m sure I could come up with a few meals I could teach you. Breakfast. There don’t seem to be a lot of tricks when it comes to making breakfast. And they’re some of the easiest meals to make."

She grinned and finished chewing before she spoke. “Is that why so many college students talk about ‘breakfast for dinner’?”

He raised an eyebrow at that and it took him a minute to parse out the meaning. “I suppose it is.”

River suddenly sat up and turned to face him. “I do love this room. Thank you, Doctor.”

He smiled at her, but became self-conscious about the room. “Did it… turn out all right? I wasn’t sure. I had the TARDIS help me a bit, but…”

River put her pointer finger over his lips to quiet him. “I said I love it. And I do.”

She slowly lowered her finger and then pressed her lips to his. She didn’t want to put pressure on him about intimacy so she didn’t linger longer than she had for any of the other kisses they had exchanged recently. The Doctor didn’t pull back, but responded in kind. When they pulled away from each other, River gestured for him to lie down again. “Your turn.”

The Doctor took his cue from her and placed his head in her lap. While she fed him more grapes, she told him about the adventures she had after she left him in Manhattan that led her to getting involved with King Hydroflax. Oddly it eased some of his jealousy about her having married him. Even if it was just to get the diamond.


	13. Chapter 13

Over the next several weeks, River had the ‘brilliant’ idea of teaching the Doctor how to text. Normally, he would reject such notions as being ‘too human,’ but for River he was willing to do such things. For about a week after River taught him how to make and use emoticons, the Doctor did nothing but communicate via text using only those symbols. River somewhat regretted teaching him such things, but it was a little adorable, so instead of discouraging it, she taught him appropriate usages for them. Texting became better after that.

There was another downside. Communicating in such a way led to several spats – not quite rows – because the Doctor couldn’t always interpret River’s texts. During these times, River would go work on one of her projects and the Doctor would sulk, usually in the ‘fort’, as they had both become accustomed to calling it.

The current spat was one conducted in complete silence – which was only a testament to how angry and worried the Doctor was. River had gone off on her own exploring and had refused to respond to any of the texts the Doctor had sent. She was exploring the plateaus on the far side from the Towers and hadn’t realised that the rocks were looser than expected. One had fallen on her head. It hadn’t caused a concussion, but it had left a gash that bled like the blazes – head wounds often did. She did what she could to hide it from the Doctor, but she should have known better than to try. He spoke as little as possible as he patched her up. The way his eyes squinted stood in stark contrast to the gentleness of his hands. So she could tell that what he really wanted to do was rail at her. Once he was done, he stalked off to the fort and soundly closed the door. River knew better than to follow him just then.

Two hours had gone by and River hadn’t heard another sound from the fort. She knew it was unlikely for him to have fallen asleep, she supposed he could have snuck out through the window, but that would be extreme even for him. But she was worried. Finally she swallowed, softly tapped the door twice, and entered before he could give a reply.

She found the Doctor sprawled out on the bed. He was wearing a pullover, his trousers, and socks, so dressed a little more casually than normal. He had a tumbler filled with an amber-coloured drink. On one of the side tables was a bottle of Darillium whiskey. She stood there and stared for a moment, debating how to respond to the image before her. "Never ceases to amaze me that you can drink now."

He rolled his eyes. "Good God. One body didn't drink. _One_ and suddenly everyone are shocked when I do. Next thing I know, you'll be shocked that this body can count when the last one couldn't."

And just for that, he finished off his freshly topped tumbler in one long gulp. A few moments later, he set the glass aside, because given the alcohol content that wasn't maybe such a good idea.

River accepted his tirade. She supposed she deserved it, for a number a reasons. But she still felt she deserved to be treated better than that, so she pressed, just a little. "Allow me to rephrase before you throw yourself into a worse state. It amazes me that you actually _want_ to drink in this body."

"Well, I finally have someone to keep up with! Didn't know until Mendorax Dellora that it had been _you_ raiding my supply. Always thought the TARDIS was playing tricks on me."

River sighed softly. “Yes, I can hold my liquor pretty well. And if you want to have a contest, we certainly can do that. But, you don’t normally drink when you’re this emotional. So what’s different right now?"

He pointedly ignored the 'emotional' comment. Because, wasn’t it obvious he was emotional about her? He groaned softly. Drinking that last glass so fast had not been a good idea. It hadn't fully hit him yet, but it would, he could tell, he was feeling slightly dizzy.

She smirked at his reaction, it wasn’t an answer, and yet it was the start of possible dialogue. She very slowly approached the bed. The Doctor could be unpredictable at the best of times, and this was far from him at his best. Very gently, she stroked his hair with her fingers. She wanted to help him process his feelings – even if he was starting to get tipsy. "Which are you more angry about, that I didn’t tell you where I went or that I tried to hide that I got hurt?"

“Both. For different reasons.”

“So then I should take you washing it away with whiskey as a one-off or will this become a habit for you?”

"Alcohol can drown things. Tim’ord metabolism makes getting’ drunk difficult.”

River chuckled as his slurring became more pronounced. But the Doctor continued without giving her a chance to comment. “‘S not why I'm drinking, though."

"No?" Her eyebrow arched slightly as she climbed onto the bed next to him. She let her fingers move from his hair to trace his jawline with one finger. "Do you want to talk about the real reason?"

"'Real reason' has nothing," he captured her tracing finger in his hand and brought it to his lips for a small kiss, "T’do with talking."

Even that small kiss sent a little jolt of excitement, through River. The skin of her finger tingled and the sensation raced to her stomach. One corner of her mouth twitched into a half-smile. "I’m intrigued, continue."

He slowly sat up, still dizzy, and turned so he can look at her properly. "Not use’t being the leader in these situ – situma – things."

While his words were slurred slightly, he was in control of his faculties. He knew what he was doing and how to move his body. It seemed only his speech was dramatically affected by the drink. Moving slightly was already making him feel less dizzy.

He had been toying with this idea for a while. Ever since their first attempt at physical intimacy had gone wrong, he had been considering ways to improve himself. They had discussed stopping each other when things got too intense for either of them, but neither of them had really pushed any boundaries since that night. Right now, he thought the worst that could happen was someone would stop the other.

River grinned warmly. “And what, pray tell is this grand idea of yours?”

The Doctor might have turned just a hint of pink at her question. Which was embarrassing for a man of his age. He wasn’t prone to blushing any more. He hadn't realised he had said any of those thoughts out loud. He leaned in to kiss her, but he paused just before joining their lips to gauge her reaction.

For the most part, River stared at his lips, but her eyes flashed back up at his. Her eyes were slightly dilated. "I trust you," she murmured as she too leaned forward, "You'll be fine."

A small quirk to his lips was the only reply he could get out. That permission was all the encouragement he needed. He leaned in and pressed his lips to hers. It wasn’t romantic or suggestive of a promise of more. It was just two sets of lips being pressed together. He pulled back and looked at her. The small quirk returned. He never took his eyes off of hers as he reached towards one of the side tables. He pulled the drawer open and withdrew a long strip of purple material. He always had something hidden nearby that he could use. River smiled fondly. "I adore it when you use your imagination."

He still hadn’t taken his eyes away from her. "Been thinking a lot.”

River was slightly amused now. “I thought I told you that looks weird on a man.”

The Doctor didn’t hear her; he was too focused on what he was doing. He could tell that even in those few minutes his body was metabolising the alcohol. Good. He’d wanted to be mostly sober for this anyway. “I've considered the possibility of over-stimulation." Too much of a good thing was still too much, after all. "So, this isn't about some human kink. It's... basic science. Take out one of the senses and it's one less type of input."

She nodded as he explained and decided to refrain from pointing out there was plenty of scientific study devoted to sex and kink, especially in the time zones she visited. There was no need to start a debate when he was about to expand his horizons.

The Doctor took the material and lifted it to his head to tie it around his eyes. River grinned as he made the blindfold. "True. But bodies are complex things. Sometimes the other senses compensate for the lost one."

He gave her a look when she spoke about the 'complexity of the body', but then realised that it wouldn’t be effective with half of his face covered. "For that to work properly, it can take years, River."

He was interpreting her comment literally and without any of the innuendo she had intended. "Besides, the body has to learn to interpret how to deal with the new levels of inpu..."

She trailed her index finger very slowly up his neck, along his jaw, and toward his earlobe. She leaned in towards his ear and whispered softly. "Don't let that put you off from a little... _experimenting_."

He shuddered slightly, but it was more from her whispered words than from her finger. He swallowed thickly. "Hmm. You'll have to be careful, then, or this could be over rather too quickly."

Multiple meanings were definitely intended. But he wasn’t quite as ready as River was. He had thought long about this, so had a lot planned.

River grinned, even though he couldn’t see it. "Don't worry, sweetie. I'll be gentle."

It was an interesting experiment particularly since the one with the blindfold was leading. That was something new even for River Song. She was very curious to see how it progressed.

He was going to have to explain it thoroughly. Partly because he was the Doctor and if there was one thing he was good at, it was talking. Also, because that last bit of alcohol is still working it’s way out of his system. Finally, because he had a plan and he will explain it, because that's what he does. Well, when it's a clear plan, anyway.

"Vision is the easiest sense to block. I considered touch, but with the callouses on my left hand, that has already been hampered a bit and clearly hadn't mattered last time. I thought about wearing gloves, but honestly, that probably would heighten the touch sensation in other ways. So, vision was the most logical."

Since he couldn’t see her, she hummed in acknowledgement of his explanation. He lifted his hands and slowly used them to search for her face. After all, he didn't want to poke her in the eye or accidentally pick her nose or something. “I need to understand how my body interprets yours.... Touch seems to be a good way to do that."

She tried not to giggle as his hands reached her face and she closed her eyes. "Makes sense to me. Should I let you map my terrain first before I touch you?"

"Probably a good idea... Don’t want to change too many variables at once."

It would skew the results of the experiment. But, secretly, he knew he wasn’t ready to be touched yet.

He slowly traced his fingers along her face. Learning to see it with his fingers. He already had every inch of it committed to visual memory and doing it like this allowed him to ask questions he wouldn't have dared to ask before. There were things he knew about her body on sight, but could only ask about now because he didn’t have to look at her. His hand was up near her hairline above her left eye. "There's a scar here. Hidden by your hair... well hidden to most. Do you remember the story behind it?"

He phrased it that way, not because he knew the story, but because if it happened during her time with the Silence, then she might not remember the story and he didn’t want to make that reminder overly difficult.

There was an amused little laugh that resonated in her throat. "You would find that one first.”

He chuckled softly and then admitted his secret. "I can't actually feel it, but I thought this would be a better way to ask about it."

“Of course I remember it. The real question is, 'Do you?'"

She cracked one eye open briefly and allowed her eyelashes to flutter against his hand. "Piece of glass. I must've been about...oh, eight or ten. I was calling for help and there you were with a woman I'd only ever seen in a photograph."

The Doctor couldn’t place what River was talking about. River had left out too many details. Had she mentioned being in a spacesuit or something similar, he would have known. Maybe. At the time, he was rather focused on other things: like Amy firing a gun at an astronaut. "I'm sorry. I’ve helped a lot of children in my day. Trying to pinpoint one is difficult.”

Although the memory hearkened back to River’s unpleasant days, she maintained her composure as he explored her skin. She hoped he would understand if she didn't delve into detail about the confusion she felt with Amy firing a gun at her. She didn’t want to bring down the mood. It wasn’t in the pile of worse memories she had. "I suppose the caretaker must have tended to it as best he could. Any idea why it followed me through two regenerations?"

“Perhaps you wanted it to. Some Time Lords have been known to maintain little markers like that."

To distract himself and her, he continued with his explorations. His fingers were in her hair, being careful around her most recent injury. It was almost like a scalp massage. He didn’t linger long, though. He had a plan and it was important for this experiment to stick to it.

She didn’t say much besides a non-committal "hmm" to his explanation. His fingers stroked her mind away from the memory and back to the present, her skin was tingling with little anticipatory gooseflesh, wondering where he would go next.

He brought his hands down to her shoulders and followed her arms down to her lap - not mapping this time; simply 'travelling' – all the way down her legs to her feet. Right now, he was just checking to see if she had socks on.   She giggled a little as he brushed her bare ankle. That caught his attention. "Are your feet ticklish?"

"If I answer, are you going to use the knowledge against me?" She chuckled wryly and then shrugged.

"No I wa..." He started to answer her question until he heard her chuckle again. He rolled his eyes, not that she could see it.

"Perhaps a bit.” Certain other areas she was certain were more sensitive and usually ticklish, like her neck. The only attention her feet received was a nice soak after a day of running in killer heels. "I can't think of anyone who's tried to find out. Now back of my knee of the other hand...."

He recorded the back of the knee information for later. For now, he took one foot in both hands. "See it's important to know. Because if you're feet are ticklish, and the touch is too light it loses the intended effect. But, just the right pressure...."

As he spoke, he started to massage the foot between his hands, because, he was comfortable with that level of touch.

"Oh!" It wasn't expected, but she was feeling very comfortable as he massaged her foot. There were muscles there she hadn't tended to in quite some time and she smiled at the stimulus of pressure. "And what is the intended effect?"

"For someone with an advanced degree, you're being rather slow."

His 'bedroom talk' probably needed more work than anything else. He finished with the one foot and moved to the next. "Besides. The intent shouldn't be the focus. The focus should be on what it does to you. How it makes you feel."

"I don't know if we're far enough into the experiment for me to tell you in detail how it feels." She chuckled softly. "Don't need you blushing under the blindfold. But trust me, it's... good. You're good." She put aside the temptation to kiss him and patted his arm instead.

He finished with her foot as she offered the compliment. Reassuring words never went bad when he was caught up with something that he wasn’t entirely comfortable doing.

River continued, "Your mouth, however, could use an adjustment. Being called 'slow' is not in my ‘Turn On’ category."

That made the Doctor pause and scratch his cheek, because he wanted this to go well. "Well, perhaps you should adjust it for me."

"Now you're getting somewhere." She didn’t even try to mask how pleased she was with his answer. She leaned in closer. Her breath whispered against his skin as she spoke. "You have no idea how hard it is for me not to kiss you when you talk like that." She murmured in a low voice. "But for the sake of the experiment, you can use your mouth to explore a little." She didn’t want to push his boundaries too fast, so she expanded her request. "Pick three places to kiss me – not my lips – and see what generates the strongest response."

That wasn’t what he had been thinking. Though, to be fair, he wasn’t sure what he had been thinking. "I might prefer it if you kissed me."

Again, he didn’t know he had mumbled that out loud. But she mentioned the word ‘experiment’ and he was always willing to test things. "For the sake of experimentation, then."

He decided to be fairly random and what he considered safe as well. He first took her foot in his hands again and then leaned over and kissed the top of one of them.

"Now darling, don't tell me you've found a fetish," she teased when he took her foot again.

Then he took her arm into his hands and felt his way about so he could kiss the inside of her elbow. She was quieter as he pushed up her sleeve to kiss her elbow, though it did tickle slightly. Finally, he moved so he could brush her hair away from the back of her neck and kissed her there. "Ah, feel free to do that one again," she murmured, "I like your mouth on me in principle but that one's the best. Of course, scientific method dictates you need to replicate results to form a conclusion..."

"And in different orders, since the order of going from foot to neck might have been enough to elicit certain responses."

But that was speaking scientifically. He didn’t actually know. Still. A slightly different place on the neck... Maybe where the back of her jaw joined her neck. Just to see… River offered a soft hum of appreciation. "That's...stronger. There again, please."

Maybe it was because she knew what was coming, maybe it was the fact that they were taking their time to explore, but River's nerves were more sensitive than normal. "Slow is good for now, but when you feel more adventurous, try mixing it up. Change the pace to keep my skin guessing. But right now I think you deserve a progress reward."

He frowned when she mentioned a 'progress reward.' It just hit him wrong. It reminded him of his failings the last time. But he said nothing and hoped that she couldn’t tell anything about his emotions through the blindfold. He was foolish to think he could ever keep something like that from her. She rested her hand on one of his arms. “Sweetie, what’s wrong?”

The Doctor shook his head. River tried to gently encourage him. “Doctor, you’re uncomfortable about something. What’s changed?"

He just wanted this to go well and focusing on the negative would make it difficult. But the tone River used told him she was quite serious. He sighed. She reached out a hand and cupped his cheek. She debated for a moment if she should lift his blindfold, but thought that might push him too far. A moment later, she heard his voice, barely a whisper. “‘Progress reward.’ I’m not a child, River. And this isn’t a game. At least not to me.”

River gasped slightly. She hadn’t realised those words might carry negative connotations, but now that the Doctor had mentioned it, she clearly saw her error. She now dared to raise his blindfold, just a bit. She wanted to be looking at him properly when she said this. “I’m sorry. I was just trying to be playful. I didn’t think about how you might interpret it.”

She offered him a weak smile. He swallowed thickly. “It made me think of last time and how it didn’t….”

He tapered off and hoped he didn’t have to say anything else. River nodded. Now it was her turn to swallow thickly. “Doctor, all of this? Has been going _very_ well. It is something I’ve never experienced before: the person blindfolded taking the lead. I would very much like to continue, but only if you’re comfortable with it.”

The problem, of course, was that the Doctor was now getting too wrapped up in his head. He didn’t know how to break out of it and move forward. River could see that and decided to try to distract him. She lowered the blindfold again and leaned towards him so she could press her lips to his. It was just the other side of chaste and done more to encourage him to continue than a promise of something more.

The Doctor responded in kind. He wrapped his arms around her as he deepened the kiss. They continued like that for a few minutes, until the Doctor could tell that River’s respiratory bypass was about to kick in. She still didn’t have enough control over it, so he ended the kiss. River was pleased with how that had progressed, but it reminded her of a question she had been meaning to ask. “How do you know when to stop? It seems like you know precisely when my bypass might be close to kicking in.”

That earned her a faint smile. Good. She liked it when he smiled. Though it was strange to see it without seeing his eyes. The Doctor gave a squeeze to her shoulders before sitting back a little. “Well, being a touch telepath helps. And our link, though we’re still working on it, also helps. But there are other little subtle clues. Physical changes like certain parts of your body tensing. I’m just well-versed in how it works in my body, so I can tell in others.”

River smiled. This was more like it – even if he was talking science. He had a confidence that he lacked only a few moments before. River mumbled under her breath. “Our link.” She paused for a moment. “Is that why this is different this time? Compared to others? Because we’ve been working on our psychic link?”

The Doctor hummed. “Possibly. Might be because the approach is different as well.”

River grinned as she shed her top. She still had a tank on underneath, but it would offer the Doctor access to more of her skin. “Well, then I think if you’re feeling up to it, we should continue the experiment.”

The Doctor wasn’t an idiot. He couldn’t see, but that didn’t mean he stopped having the ability to hear. He had heard the material rustle as she took her top off. He could tell from the way her arms caused a disturbance in the air that she had removed her top. Now, things were going to get interesting. He knew more of her skin would be exposed, but instead of touching her anywhere, he gently blew along the base of her neck. It was just to see what would happen. This was an experiment, after all.

River couldn’t see him because he was behind her, but she could feel him. The atmosphere between them was changed again and while she didn’t quite understand why – the Doctor’s explanation left something to be desired – all she wanted to do was kiss the man.

"Swee-ooh!" Her shoulders hunched momentarily away from the breeze as she shivered, a sheepish sort of chuckle escaped her. That was new. "Tickles; in a good way. I think I might have gooseflesh."

He chuckled softly as he moved to her side. Again, there was a little bit of clumsiness as he tried to lean in and kiss her cheek. All of the affectionate adjectives that he hated being called came to River’s mind at his clumsy manoeuvring. It was endearing, all of it, and she wanted him to know. In a comparatively more deft move, River turned her head at the last second to capture his mouth in a kiss. She couldn’t fend off the smile that formed because of her success.

The kiss severed its purpose to distract him once again. Before she could pull away ending the kiss, he wrapped his arms around her. One of his hands found its way to the back of her head. Oh yes, she was going to stay put for a minute or two.

He let her up for air, but he only moved far enough away to speak. "You're impatient.”

"I am not impatient, I'm excited," she said, the tip of her nose bumping his. They were enjoying each other, without any pressure or expectation of penetrative sex. Which was also somewhat new for River. She hadn’t thought something like this could be quite as enjoyable as she found it to be.

He chuckled softly. ‘Excited’ was certainly one way to put it. “Well, if you're interested in a secondary experiment, we could continue to work on our psychic link. There are many things we could try."

"Oh?" Her voice inclined with curiosity, matching her arched eyebrow that he couldn’t see. "I'm very interested. Will these experiments run concurrently or are we tabling experiment one?"

Back when they had stood near the Towers, River had mentioned that the Doctor had a smug little grin. He was doing it now. Though, through the blindfold, he wondered if it was as effective as it normally could be. "Well, I don't know how you're planning to accomplish it, but from my perspective, there's no reason why they couldn't run concurrently."

Then he leaned in so he could capture her lips with his. This time, though, he opened his side of the connection, just a little.

For a moment, River was confused and distracted by the sense of vertigo she experienced. Once she figured out what was going on, she discovered she could be mentally in someone’s mind and still have enough awareness of herself to control her body. She couldn’t help but to grin as she deepened the kiss.

The Doctor was surprised when River had sorted it out so quickly. And yet, he was deeply pleased. For him, this was better than any physical contact they might achieve. Being one mind with another in this way had always been his preference. River had enough of her Time Lord capabilities left that the Doctor was experiencing something he hadn’t ever had before. Even with all the attempts he had made with his first wife, it was nothing like this. It took him a minute or two to adjust as well.

Then he heard her speak and he nearly broke the connection in shock. He hadn’t thought she would be able to do that. Her voice was different and yet very much her. “Sweetie, I… You’re still angry with me.”

Oh, River was very good, if she was able to tell that already. He couldn’t lie to her, because she would know anyway. “A bit.”

“But I’m fine.”

“Yes, but that only means that you’re more likely to do it again. I’d rather not spend this time we have together in hospitals.”

He let her see just a little bit more into his mind. She could see all the Clara shaped holes that were left behind. She could see what he had been feeling when he became conscious after she had given him all of her regeneration energy. The tendrils of her mind seemed to wrap around his. “I am so sorry, Doctor… I had no idea how you carried these things. But I should have guessed.”

He just let their minds mingle as much as River would allow. It was enough. And it was better than fine. “You are _always_ forgiven, River. I meant that when I said it. But forgiveness doesn’t mean I won’t get angry sometimes. Just remember that it is always born out of a desire to keep you safe.”

“I love you, Doctor.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little early this week. Consider it a bonus. 
> 
> I'm going to challenge myself with the next chapter and try my hand writing an adventure. So, the next chapter might be a bit of a wait - unless divine inspiration strikes.


	14. Chapter 14

“I’ve got to do a thing. D’you want to come?”

River couldn’t keep the excitement off of her features. “A proper adventure with my love, in the TARDIS? You didn’t even have to ask.”

He grinned at her reaction and gestured to the door. Once they were both in the TARDIS, the Doctor set about configuring the coordinates.

River actually enjoyed watching him pilot his ship, even if she thought she did it better. There was something about him doing it in this body that was just pleasant to her. “So where are we going?”

“Zagreabt Four. Zagreabt is a gas giant with three moons. One of the moons, Zagreabt Four, is the only planetary body in the Alpha Quadrant of the Myrmidon Galaxy that can sustain carbon life. Mostly plant life, but there are a few humanoid colonies as well.”

River hummed as she took the information in. “And this ‘thing’ you have to do?”

The Doctor didn’t answer, focusing far too heavily on engaging the lever that would send them into the vortex.

“Sweetie?”

“Save the Alnore colonies, if I can. Won’t be easy. The plant life is sentient. Early local history called the areas of dense plant and tree-life the ‘Whispering Forest’. But the Forest has slowly taken over the whole planet. People would find seeds and bring them home to plant them in their backyards, without knowing what they were doing.”

River considered what he was saying. “So, the Forest wants its land back and the Alnore refuse to leave. So the Forest will kill them if they don’t?”

The Doctor shrugged. “Something like that.”

River frowned. She didn’t like that answer at all. “Doctor, what aren’t you telling me?”

“The Alnore have adapted. I don’t know how I’ll be able to save them. They’ve been a part of that moon’s ecology for over thirty thousand years. It’s hard to tell if removing them will be better or worse for the environment. They’re now extremely short – the males under three feet tall. They have light green-to-blue skin that appears in tiger-like stripes and muted brown hair. Basically, they’re camouflaged. If we can find them, and that’s a big if right now, there’s no guarantee they’ll listen to me. And if they do listen, where else can I send them now that they’ve adapted to this moon?”

River nodded. The problem was suddenly bigger than she thought. “Are they at war?”

The Doctor scoffed. “Aren’t plant-types always at war with flesh-types?”

There was a mechanical groan of disapproval from the TARDIS. River said nothing, she didn’t have the connection to the TARDIS that the Doctor did. The Doctor sighed. “I’m _really_ hoping it doesn’t come to that.”

Now River really was concerned. “What is it Doctor? What did she say?”

“She just reminded me of the history that Time Lords have with TARDISes.”

“So?”

He just shook his head. “Honestly, not my story to tell.” He gestured to the central column. “It’s hers, if she ever wants to.”

River didn’t want to accept that, but where the TARDIS was concerned, she couldn’t really argue. “Right.”

A few minutes later, the sound of the TARDIS engines materializing resounded through the control room. The Doctor set the parking break and made his way to the doors. River gently grabbed his arm. “Doctor, who sent for you?”

His lips twitched. “An old friend.”

Ohila. He had one time said he didn’t like her and that’s why they could be friends. That wasn’t entirely a lie, but that didn’t mean he didn’t respect her. His respect for her had as much to do with their friendship as anything. And that was why he was willing to attempt this at all. It was not going to be easy.

“A former companion?”

He pulled a face. “What? No. I do have friends beyond those I travel with. Just because they rarely meet each other doesn’t mean they don’t exist. The Sisterhood offered me shelter when I needed it, so this is the least I could do.”

“The Sisterhood?” Her voice had a hint of derision. “I assume you mean The Sisterhood of Karn? Those that turned you into a weapon for War?”

The Doctor grimaced. “We’ve talked about that and I don’t talk about _him_. Even if I didn’t agree with what they did, looking back, it was necessary.”

River nodded that she wasn’t going to protest anymore and so the Doctor continued, “Besides, they’re Gallifreyan. I’d rather work with them than say the Shadow Proclamation, who have done pretty much the same thing to me over the years.”

“Fair enough.”

He gave a nod so that River knew he was going to press forward. The TARDIS groaned again, softer this time. The Doctor turned to look at the time rotor. He looked back at River and sighed. “Can you give us a minute? Stay close and the perception filter will protect you. I’ll be out soon.”

River really didn’t like this. But she knew better than to interfere between the Doctor and the TARDIS. She could tell this was something she wasn’t meant to hear. Still, she had her ways and she would get the Doctor to tell her about eventually.

It was a short time later that the Doctor came out. He didn’t look grave, but he was focused. River had been watching the area around them. She couldn’t tell if what she felt was her imagination or not. “Doctor. While I was waiting… it was like the Forest moved.”

The Doctor nodded. “Well, it is. A few centimetres every couple of hours, according to the TARDIS. We don’t have much time.”

She looked back at the Blue Box and swallowed thickly. She reached into her coat and felt the reassuring weight of her key. “Right. So how do you expect to find them?”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a device. “Scanner.”

She chuckled. “Why am I not surprised?”

He activated it and soon a small light shone and he gestured with his head. “Come on.”

He started off in the direction of the more open space that led away from the Forrest and River followed. She looked back once at the TARDIS. “Will she be okay?”

He nodded once. “That was one of the things we talked about. She should be fine. They’ll recognise her more as plant life than mechanics.”

“So this is more dangerous than you let on.” She slid her hand to her hip to make sure her pistol was in its place.

“I didn’t think you’d complain.”

“I’m not. I just like to be prepared and I can’t be if you leave out details.”

“I thought you liked adventures?”

“Again, I like to be _prepared_.”

“This is my life. You should _always_ be prepared.”

“Yes, Sweetie, but I guess I’ve grown spoilt….”

River’s comment was cut off as she felt something on her back. That was strange since they were in the open area now. She stopped moving and slowly raised her hands, even though no order had been given, she felt compelled to.

The Doctor stopped a few paces later, when he realised that River was no longer at his side. He turned and noticed there were about thirty Alnore surrounding them. He huffed to himself. “Cheeky monkeys.”

He cleared his throat. “Oh, highly exalted Alnore, let it be known that we are here in peace and wish to meet with your noble leader, Peor.”

The Doctor waited calmly for a response. Suddenly, a wave of telepathic energy hit him. Everything started to go in slow motion: first his scanner fell to the ground and bounced out of reach; then he raised his hands to his head, as if that would block out whatever was happening; finally, he collapsed to his knees and nearly passed out.

He heard someone scream his name. Probably River, but he couldn’t focus clearly enough to know for sure. He heard a different scream. It took him a moment to realise it was his own. Then, there was darkness and silence. It was a welcomed relief.

Everything seemed to happen in a flash to River. The Doctor was speaking a language foreign to her and the TARDIS wasn’t translating it, which she found strange. Then he dropped his scanner, grabbed his head, and fell to his knees. She screamed, “Doctor!”

Then the Doctor screamed and went suddenly silent as his body crashed to the ground.

By this time, about five Alnore had a strong hold on River, preventing her from getting to the Doctor. “What have you done to him? Let me go!”

She didn’t worry about any danger to herself. She was entirely focused on the Doctor.

Ten Alnore – River couldn’t tell if they were male or female, or if they even had or cared about gender – brought out something akin to a tarp and spread it out next to the Doctor. Then they rolled his unconscious form onto it, arranged themselves around it, and picked it up to carry the Doctor to… wherever they were going.

While River was distracted watching what the Alnore were doing to the Doctor, the five surrounding her had done a fairly systematic search, taking away all of her weapons and other electronic equipment. She was less than pleased when they prodded her into a kneeling position to discover what they had done.

She couldn’t understand anything they were… well, they weren’t talking. Perfect. She wondered how… Then she looked at them. Really looked. And understood. They were telepathic. That explained everything, especially the Doctor’s reaction. She murmured to him as she raised her hands to the level of her eyes. “Knowing they are telepathic would have been one of those points to mention, Sweetie.”

Two more Alnore approached River and put a blindfold over her eyes and tied it securely to her head and then they bound her hands in front of her as well. They then prodded her into a standing position, but it felt more like a request than a demand. The little bit of work on telepathy the Doctor had been doing with her seemed to be helping in this situation. She couldn’t see where she was going, but she didn’t feel like they wanted to hurt her, either.

They walked without stopping for some time. River’s Time Sense was one of the things that she had never bothered to try to develop. So, she couldn’t tell exactly how long they had been walking. When the ground started to slant downwards, she felt like she was going underground. In fact, she could tell that the grass had become dirt and now was rock. She presumed they were in a cave. A short time later, she again felt the poke at her knees that indicated she should kneel again. When she knelt, it wasn’t hard ground, it was something soft and fluffy, like carpet. Her hands were unbound first, and then her eyes. As her eyes adjusted to the dim lighting, she saw the Alnore were rolling a large stone over the opening. So, she was in a gaol. Well, hardly unusual.

She looked around. There were lights in the corners, but they weren’t candles. They were little trees. Similar to Bonsai trees, only these glowed. It gave off a warm, almost comforting light. The area wasn’t carpeted, but covered in thick furs. In one corner of the room, she saw a giant pitcher of water and next to it was a container with dried fruits and nuts. In another corner, was a hole for waste. In a third corner, was the Doctor. She rushed to his side. “Oh, Doctor!”

He was still unconscious. She placed her fingers over his Carotid artery. His pulses were steady and strong. She took a deep breath. But she wasn’t sure how to help him. If she was right and the Alnore were psychic or telepathic, she couldn’t be sure how best to help him. Any attempt to help him might make everything worse. “Doctor? Doctor.”

She tried to rouse him. She got no response. She took a breath. “I assume your defences are better than my own.”

She swallowed thickly and placed her fingertips to the Doctor’s temples. She closed her eyes and murmured, “Contact.”

It wasn’t like the other times she had done this. The sense of vertigo was overwhelming. She was falling, falling, falling…. As she fell, she realised just how much control the Doctor was using before. There seemed to be no end to this. She took a deep breath. Then, her fall started to slow. She opened her mental eyes and looked around her. It was like a bomb had gone off. She was used to seeing corridors, doors and some rooms in the Doctor’s mind. His mind wasn’t unlike the TARDIS in some ways. _This_? This was mass chaos. Bits of memories were mingled with ideas. There was no structure. Debris was everywhere.

River felt overwhelmed. She didn’t know how to help the Doctor through this. She did the only think she could think of. She called to him, using his real name. Soon, she realised she wasn’t falling at all, but floating. She continued to whisper his name, like a mantra. She sighed with relief when she felt solid ground under her feet. She hoped this meant what she was doing was working. She continued to call to the Doctor.

It felt like a long time had passed, but she felt a presence next to her and then a hand was inside of hers. She turned to see the Doctor standing next to her. Only… His face fluctuated amongst all his incarnations. “Oh, Sweetie, what did they do to you?”

His mouths opened, but no sound came out and River realised that he wouldn’t be able to talk properly until he had only one face. She brought her free hand to cover her mouth for a moment. “I don’t know how to help you.”

She felt a squeeze on her hand and noticed what might have been a weary smile flicker across the features of the faces flashing before her. She took a breath. “Okay. This _is_ helping. We’re safe enough. We’re in a gaol, or something like it. But it’s comfortable and they’ve provided food and water. Mostly I’m just worried about you.”

She noted a nod of his head, but the lack of further communication was maddening. She could only imagine it was worse for him. “Okay. I guess this is why you can’t wake up. So, first we need to… Stabilise you, for lack of a better phrase.”

The Doctor gave another squeeze to her hand. She assumed that meant she was right. She blew out a puff of air. She was entirely out of her depth. She looked as best she could into the changing eyes of her beloved and did the only thing she could think of. She cupped that changing face between her hands and held it until it slowed and finally alternated between only three faces: the tenth, eleventh and twelfth.

She frowned disappointed that she couldn’t do more. But his voice broke through, even though the voice too, seemed to be echoing itself between the different bodies. “It’s a start.”

A wry but helpless smile breeched her lips. “But not enough.”

River looked at him for a long moment. Then she smiled, slowly leaned in, and kissed him with all she was. When she pulled away the Doctor as she had come to know him in the past few months was facing her. He looked at her fondly. “You’re always enough.”

River’s expression turned angry. “I’d slap you into next week, if I didn’t need you conscious.”

The Doctor cupped his cheek as if she already had. “The thought’s enough in this case, River. You’re in my mind.”

She swallowed and nodded. “Good. Don’t you ever do that to me again! Why didn’t you tell me this could happen?”

“I didn’t know!”

River’s eyes narrowed. The Doctor shrugged. “I didn’t. And I hadn’t experienced anything like that before. Their telepathic abilities are joined somehow. Like a hive mind only with telepathy. It was…”

He broke off and grimaced. River finished his thought. “Destructive?”

“Well, I was going to say overwhelming, but that’s probably a better word.”

“Can you wake up now?”

“Don’t know. You’ll have to disengage.”

River nodded, but she didn’t really want to. She felt safe here. Even when it was all chaos, she knew the Doctor’s mind.

The Doctor reached up and cupped one of her cheeks in his hand. “River? It’s all right. If I don’t wake, you can come back.”

She nodded. “See you on the other side.”

With that, River broke their connection. She opened her eyes and looked down at the Doctor. His eyes were still closed, but he looked calmer somehow. She got up and went to the large pitcher of water and found two small wood bowls next to it. She poured water into them, first tasting it. It seemed safe enough, so she brought it over to where the Doctor was laid out. “Doctor? Please. Wake up now.”

She dug through his pockets until she found a handkerchief. She soaked a corner of it in the water and held the cloth to the Doctor’s lips to moisten them. River had no way to know if there was anything harmful in it, but it was all she had available right now.

After a few moments, the Doctor started to move his lips and then his tongue poked out to lap at the cloth. River soaked the corner again and returned it to the Doctor’s lips. Another few turns passed in this fashion. It wasn’t near enough fluid, River knew, but it was better than nothing. River set aside the cloth and took a few sips from her own bowl. “Come on, Doctor. I can’t do this without you.”

The Doctor’s eyes slowly started to flutter. River refocused her attention on him. “That’s it. Wake up. You can do it.”

The Doctor took a deep breath and slowly opened his eyes. He gave himself a moment before speaking. “River?”

His voice was a little hoarse and shakier than River liked. “Yes, Sweetie, I’m here.”

He gave a small nod and closed his eyes again for a moment, as if he was fighting vertigo or something. Given what River had seen in his mind, she wouldn’t be surprised if vertigo was precisely why he was struggling. A few moments passed, he took another deep breath, and slowly opened his eyes again. He looked over at River. “It’s not their fault. They don’t know their abilities can hurt others.”

River hummed in reply. She picked up his bowl and put her hand under his head to support it. “Here. Drink.”

The Doctor did take a few sips and then turned his head to show he was done. River lowered his head and then set his bowl aside. He sighed heavily. Again, River didn’t like that sound. “Doctor, what is it?”

He pulled a hand down his face, but the expression that remained was grave. She remained silent. “The Alnore won’t leave. I tried to convince them. And the forest…”

River frowned. “The forest?”

The Doctor slowly sat up. “The forest has some control over Zagreabt. If the Alnore won’t leave, it will pull gas from the planet and poison this entire moon. It will certainly kill the Alnore and probably kill itself in the process. It doesn’t care. It thinks it can grow back stronger than before without the Alnore to interfere.”

“What do we do?”

The Doctor shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. “Leave. The Forest has given us three hours.”

River raised her eyebrow. “You were able to sort all of that when you were unconscious?”

The Doctor nodded once and slowly got to his feet. River stared at him. “We can’t just leave! If there’s a way to save them all, we have to.”

The Doctor turned on River. “I tried! None of them are interested in allowing the other species to live. If we want to live, we have to leave now.”

River nodded. “Our supplies that they took?”

The Doctor sighed. “Should be near the entrance to their cave, they wouldn’t bring them in here.”

River nodded gravely. “So we just leave and…”

“Let nature take its course. Both species are telepathic. But there was a block preventing them from understanding each other. I opened it. Maybe now that they can understand each other, they’ll both change their minds.”

He made his way to the stone covering. “I’m going to need your help.”

Together, they rolled the covering away and made their way out. River frowned. “How do you know the way? I was only blindfolded and I don’t…”

The Doctor said nothing, only tapping the side of his head.

When they got to the mouth of the cave, their sonics and other devices were piled near the entrance, just as the Doctor said. “Come on, we have to hurry.”

River and the Doctor ran back to the TARDIS. When they got there, the Doctor put her into orbit above the planet and then opened the communications channels. He sent out a message, amplified by the TARDIS’ own telepathic circuits, asking for peace and hope. He had the TARDIS beam the message towards the planet and then he went to the doors and opened them.

River was confused. “Doctor what are you doing?”

He gestured for her to look. “Let’s see, shall we?”

River joined him at the doors and they peeked out. “You just can’t give up, can you?”

The Doctor didn’t respond and the pair looked down to see what would happen. The entire moon seemed to pulse with an energy field. The Doctor described what was happening. “That’s the TARDIS’ message being broadcast. Since there are so many telepaths, it actually has an effect on the atmosphere.”

Then the Planet shifted slightly and something came off the planet in waves, towards the moon. “No. No. No. No! NO!”

“Doctor what is it?”

He pointed. “The forest. It’s pulling the gases from the planet toward the moon.”

The Doctor and River watched as the gases first engulfed the moon, then pulled it back towards the planet, swallowing the moon whole. The Doctor walked away from the doors, passed the console, and moved deep into the TARDIS.

River continued to watch as she saw a sudden explosion from the planet where the moon had clearly collided with some part of the planet. She slowly closed the TARDIS door and made her way to the console. She used the rapid return button so that they would arrive back on Darillium moments after they left. She stroked the console. “If I asked you where he went, would you tell me?”

River felt like the answer was ‘no.’ She nodded once, accepting the answer. “Then will you tell me the story behind TARDISes and the Time Lords?”

This time, the answer wasn’t ‘no’. It was more ‘later’. River sighed debating what to do when the materialisation sequence began. Once it was complete, she set the handbrake and made sure everything was in order for the TARDIS to be parked in the garden. “I assume you’ll call if there’s any trouble?”

There were a few clicks and beeps. Finally, a positive answer. With that, River exited the TARDIS. She made her way into the house. It was pointless to try to find the Doctor, if the TARDIS would prevent her from finding him.

She hadn’t seen anything quite that terrible in some time. She made some tea for herself, grabbed a book to read, and curled up in her reading chair to wait for the Doctor to come into the house.

The Doctor knew what was going to happen, which is why he ran. He knew the TARDIS would protect him as much as she could, but given the sheer number of telepathic voices present, he wasn’t sure even she would do much good. He heard the Alnore scream as they suffocated. And then he heard the forest join those screams as the planet absorbed the moon. Everything went suddenly silent when the moon collided with the planet’s surface.

The Doctor was in a random hallway when that happened and he collapsed to the floor, unable to move any further. He was grateful that the TARDIS and River were both leaving him be. He just needed to be alone. He couldn't talk to anyone until he found a way to incorporate all of these new screams into the numerous other screams that constantly rang through his mind.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Those who read comments know that I expressed having a rough go of it recently. A few shared a bit of your own difficulties. So, I just want to dedicate this chapter to everyone out there having a tough time right now. Just remember: Hope. 
> 
> There’s always hope. We wouldn’t know how glorious the light is without the darkness in which we sometimes stand. Likewise, we wouldn’t know how to appreciate the deep of night without the promise of the light. (No, that’s not a quote. That’s me. Just me.)
> 
> * * *

After the Doctor had assimilated the new screams into his mind, he made his way out of the TARDIS. He didn’t want to face River, so he snuck around the house to the window where the fort was. He soniced the window to unlock it, opened it, pulled himself in, then closed and locked the window again. Then, he made his way around the cloth walls and towards the bed. He collapsed there. He was spent, but there was something comforting about being in here. Maybe it was because he knew River was just in the other room; or maybe it was because it _wasn’t_ the TARDIS; it didn’t matter. He felt safe here, which considering it wasn’t the TARDIS, was something to indulge.

It had been several hours since River had left the TARDIS. Not that she was worried. The TARDIS hadn’t dematerialised, so at the very least, she knew her husband was either still inside or somewhere on this planet. It was enough of a comfort. Or at least, it had been. She was worried about the Doctor. The Doctor didn’t like endings. An entire moon inhabited by two unique species to be devoured by a planet was probably more than he could handle. They were telepathic on top of that, so who could say what the Doctor actually knew of their final moments. That thought made River shiver. Maybe she should go check on him…

She heard a cry of ‘No!’ in response to that thought. That was wrong. She didn’t hear it. She _felt_ it. She frowned, set her book down, and went looking through the house. She didn’t know how, but she could tell the presence was close. Was it the Doctor? Could it be the TARDIS? She wasn’t sure. Whoever it was, it only encouraged her to search more.

River opened the door to the fort. A small and sad smile crossed her features when she saw the Doctor, but she didn’t enter completely. The Doctor’s eyes were closed and he didn’t seem to register her presence. A few moments later, though, his soft Scottish brogue cut across the silence. “You always find things in the last place you look.”

River tilted her head to consider him. His words weren’t exactly an invitation and she didn’t want to pressure him. She remained where she was. “So… that was you? The voice I heard?”

The Doctor opened his eyes and looked over at her. “It’s the bond. Sometimes that can happen.” He shifted a little, trying to ease his discomfort before continuing. “I’m sorry.”

River frowned. “For what?”

He shrugged and held out a hand in invitation. He spoke as River approached. “I heard your thoughts. I didn’t know you’d hear mine. I…”

River climbed onto the bed next to him. She gently ran a hand through his hair. “I only heard the word, ‘No.’ And I’ve never been one to listen to that word anyway.”

He looked up at her and offered a weak smile. “I don’t suppose you have.”

Once River was comfortable on the bed, the Doctor curled up next to her like a cat. Then he rested his head on her chest like a puppy seeking warmth and comfort. River continued to run her fingers through his hair, enjoying how amiable he was to touch and her presence. “Is there anything I can do?”

He shook his head. “This… This is good.”

River hummed quietly. They had come such a long way, but she didn’t know how to help him further. “I’ve never trusted the Sisterhood.”

The Doctor tensed slightly. He really didn’t want to talk about this. “River, don’t.”

She murmured, “Sorry,” and dropped a small kiss to the top of his head.

He gave no indication that he heard her apology. Instead, he remained quiet and didn’t move for some time. River continued to run her fingers through his hair. Every now and then, she could… feel… more than hear the words, “ _Just this_.”

She knew it wasn’t coming from her, so she could only assume it was coming from the Doctor. She tried to comfort him by sending out her love and acceptance. The reply was the tricky part, so she hoped he would understand. “ _Always_.”

Neither moved for a long time. Finally the Doctor shifted slightly and looked up at River. His voice was hoarse, either from the emotions he refused to set free, or from disuse, it was hard for her to tell. “You can’t be comfortable.”

River shrugged with her free shoulder. “It’s not bad.”

The Doctor rolled his eyes and manoeuvred off of her. He was sitting up just a little. “Scoot down so you’re lying properly.”

River raised an eyebrow but did as he suggested. Once she was in a more comfortable position, the Doctor leaned down until their lips met. The kiss was slow and gentle. River detected a hint of something… No. _Many_ somethings. Pleading, sorrow, fear, regret, desire, hope, pain…

It was wave after wave of all the Doctor’s emotions. It was nearly overwhelming. River focused herself. She directed her thoughts and energy on to him: acceptance and desire. She wasn’t even sure how to define desire in that moment; save it was part of accepting him and it wasn’t necessarily sexual in nature, though that was certainly a part of it for her.

Then she felt a gentle tug. An invitation. She closed her eyes and went willingly to wherever he guided her. When she opened her mind’s eyes, she again found herself in the Doctor’s mind. It was still complete chaos compared to what she was used to, but this time, the debris was flying in every direction around her. It was as if she was standing in the eye of a hurricane – there was total calm where she stood, the winds whipped everywhere else.

She closed her eyes took a calming breath and pushed out all of the love and acceptance into the wind. When she opened them again, she realised that the winds weren’t stirring up the debris. They were organising the mess – everything was being sorted back into the proper rooms and places. The structure of his mind was starting to reassert itself. She watched in wonder and yet knew that outside of this place they were still kissing.

She shouldn’t have thought of that, because now she realised just how long she had gone without breath and she nearly started to panic. “ _Be calm_.”

The words were in the Doctor’s voice, but they seemed to reverberate throughout her entire being. She closed her eyes and took a moment to refocus on what was going on around her. And that’s when she realised what was happening. She could go without oxygen for longer. It was as if her lungs simply stopped requiring air.

They continued to kiss for a few minutes and the Doctor slowly brought it to an end before River started to panic again. As he did, he gently moved her out of his mind.

River opened her eyes to find the Doctor staring down at her with a gentle smile upon his lips. It took her another moment to take a breath. She expected to need to take gasping breaths, but she didn’t it was just going from not needing to breathe to breathing again. She stared into his eyes. “Whoa.”

His smile grew. “I know. Good, isn’t it?”

She looked a little confused. “But I don’t understand how I did it. How can I command it, if I don’t understand.”

The Doctor ran a hand through her curls, just enough to comfort her. “Practice. Now that you know what it feels like, the rest will come.”

She smirked. “And will I be able to accomplish it without you to distract me.”

He smiled. “With practice.”

She hummed her agreement and encouraged him to lie down next to her. He obliged. “Feeling better?”

He nodded. “A bit.”

She heard rather than noticed his hesitation. “Sweetie?”

He shook his head. “I don’t know. I feel… Like I need an affirmation.”

River raised an eyebrow at that. “An affirmation?”

She had heard him correctly, but she hoped he would explain his answer. “Sometimes I get so caught up in…” he waved his hand around, since he couldn’t come up with the right word, “…That I forget. I need a reminder…”

River started to chuckle softly – in affection, not amusement. “Doctor, are you trying to tell me you need some ‘feel alive sex’?”

Several emotions crossed over the Doctor’s features in rapid succession: confusion, worry, fear, thoughtful consideration, and almost acceptance. “Maybe?”

River smiled. “Well, I’m certainly not opposed to it.”

The Doctor was a bit less sure of the idea. “What if…”

River placed her pointer finger gently upon his lips. “Then we’ll stop. But, sweetie, there’s no way around this. The only way to know if anything has helped is to try.”

He nodded. “Not here, though….”

He didn’t finish his thought. He didn’t want to ruin another room for them. The Fort had become a place they could really enjoy each other or that each could come to for a rest from the other when needed. He liked that idea and wanted to preserve it. He made his way off the bed and around it to River’s side. He held out his hand for her. She gladly took it and followed where he led.

For a moment, she thought he might lead them back to the TARDIS. She should have known better. He led them to the bedroom they had been sharing in the house. She didn’t mind, but she thought he might be more comfortable in the TARDIS. She looked him up and down. Then again, maybe not. This regeneration was rather particular. Maybe his fear of having another bad experience was part of it. Okay, she could work with that. At least he was willing to try.

When he stopped at the bed, she stopped behind them. “I have an idea.”

He turned to face her with a raised eyebrow that asked the question for him.

River smiled. “It’s like you said about the by-pass. Practice and be calm. I think everything will happen when it’s supposed to, but you can’t force it. So, we’ll just take our time and see what happens.”

The Doctor offered an almost playful smile. “Good thing I’m a touch telepath.”

Now it was River’s turn to question it. “Why?”

“Because where the touch is happening doesn’t matter for the connection to be made.”

River’s expression turned mischievous. “Oh, Doctor, are you suggesting what I think you are?”

He reached down and took up her hand in both of his and then he brought her hand to his lips while maintaining eye contact. “ _Of course_.”

River gasped briefly. This was not new – different. But she quite liked the idea of exploring this. Even if nothing happened, it was a chance to get to know another aspect of her husband and perhaps of her own talents and abilities too.

The Doctor smiled at her and released her hand. He stepped back so he could look her up and down properly. Then he tilted his head as he considered her for a moment. “While this would probably work just fine if we’re fully clothed, might be more interesting if we’re not…”

River smiled properly. “Don’t have to tell me twice.”

She crossed the small space between them and started to undo his buttons. He swallowed thickly and she looked up to meet his eyes. “Okay?”

He nodded and then he realised she was wearing a button down shirt as well. He started to undo her buttons, but he started with her cuffs. Which was quite the trick, since she was undoing his buttons, but he liked the challenge of it.

Once they were both down to their underwear, River stopped the Doctor. “Let’s just… enjoy this for a bit.”

His lips twitched a little, but he nodded his assent. River took up one of his hands and led him to the bed. Before he got in, he stopped her. “No!” Oh, that came out just a touch sharp. “Sorry. I mean, I have a different idea. Sit there,” he gestured toward the foot of the bed, “Crossed-legged, but face me.”

River did as she was told. The Doctor then sat across from her, in a similar style, but in such a way that only their knees were touching. River arched an eyebrow at him. He allowed for a tiny smirk. “Trust me.”

“Always.”

“Now close your eyes and… We’ll see what happens.”

“Well, we won’t see, will we? Since our eyes will be closed.”

“Fine. You’ll feel what happens. If it does.”

“Oh, Doctor, you’re getting fresh again.”

“That’s why we’re here. Now, shush and focus.”

River didn’t know what to expect, but she trusted the Doctor and did as she was told. It took about five or seven minutes before she felt it. It was a request to enter her mind. She knew it was the Doctor, but he had never quite asked for permission like this before. Perhaps this was his way of respecting that she didn’t know what was about to happen. Of course, she gave him permission.

The falling sensation that she was used to didn’t happen this time. She couldn’t get into his mind for some reason. She took a breath and was about to ask when he replied into her mind. “ _You’re all right. But if I give you access to my thoughts, it won’t be a surprise for you._ ”

“ _What won’t?_ ”

She felt the Doctor’s hands on her shoulders, as if he were standing behind her and giving her a massage. But he couldn’t be… “ _How are you doing that?_ ”

He chuckled softly. “ _With my mind._ ”

“ _I can certainly get used to that._ ”

“ _Good. Now, just enjoy it._ ”

He continued with the ministrations. But it was strange to River. It was like getting a massage from the inside out. She mused that it was actually much more effective this way. Just when she was about to be too comfortable, the Doctor’s touches moved. He started to slide the touch up and down her back. But the touch was lighter and she could feel her gooseflesh follow in the wake of the strokes.

While those strokes continued, she could feel his lips pressing against the back of her neck. She took a shuddering breath and could feel his smile against her skin. She took another breath. “ _It’s weird. I know only our knees are touching but…_ ”

“ _Learn to let go of your physical self._ ”

“ _Is this how you and your first wife did things?_ ”

“ _Sometimes. It took a bit more practice to get this far along, but yes. Most times it was like this._ ” He paused for a moment. “ _Does it upset you?_ ”

“ _Why would it upset me?_ ”

“ _That I’m not doing anything special or different for you? I mean. It_ is _different, after all you’re not her, but…_ ”

“ _Sweetie, I’ve never experienced anything like this. I’m very far from upset. In fact, I’m glad that I can do something that is clearly special to you._ ”

Even though he wasn’t using his voice, the quality had hoarseness to it. “ _Thank you._ ”

He continued to mentally touch her body, sometimes gently, sometimes demanding, and sometimes playfully. He obviously was experimenting. River didn’t mind at all. In fact she was getting very aroused. The Doctor decided it was time to make things more interesting. He moved to mentally touching more sensitive parts of River. He started with the underside of her breasts, he brought the sensation up and over her nipples, giving them a slight pinch, and ended with the sensation of blowing breath over them.

River’s entire body stiffened at the sensation. It wasn’t an orgasm, but it was close. She had never experienced anything quite like it, but it still wasn’t enough. “ _I want to feel you…_ ”

The Doctor chuckled soft and low with great fondness. “ _Patience_.”

“Sod that!”

River had mumbled out loud that time and leaned forward until their lips met. She wrapped her arms around the Doctor and used her weight and momentum to get him to lie back with her on top of him. He easily gave way under her without any sense of protest.

She could tell he was still in her mind, which heightened her experience when she could feel him reacting to her. She paused her kissing long enough to focus on him. She found a door and she gently tapped, requesting permission. The door opened a crack. She gently pushed it open, unsure of exactly what she would find. It wasn’t like the other times she had been in his mind. She didn’t know if this was just one room, or if how his mind presented itself to her could change so drastically.

“ _It’s just one room_.”

The answer was soft and seemed to be an attempt to not distract her from her exploration. The room had a 3-dimensional image of the Doctor. The image of him was completely naked. Even here, in his own head, his image looked human.

“ _No,_ you _look Time Lord._ ”

“ _Hush, I’m learning._ ”

“ _Yes you are and rather quickly._ ”

She could move around it, even rotate and manipulate it. If necessary, she realised that she could see the different layers: skin, muscles, skeletal, nervous system, etcetera. She was so fascinated that for a moment, she forgot where she was.

Then she realised: this was how the Doctor was able to do… what he did to her. Now, it was her turn. And she knew just what she wanted to do. She approached the image and slowly ran her hands over the chest and shoulders and back again. Mostly it was to give him a chance to be aware of her presence.

“ _I’m always aware of you, River_.”

She scoffed. “ _Now I know why you had blocked me from your mind. How do I do the same?_ ”

“ _Best not for now. I promise I’m only looking for questions or concerns. I want to make sure you’re okay_.”

“ _So you can compartmentalise what you receive as much as you can block me out. You will need to teach that to me._ ”

“ _We have plenty of time, River. And there are some things you’ll learn on your own. You’re smart enough that I don’t have to teach you everything._ ”

“ _I just always feel behind_.”

“ _In this case, you will certainly out-do me_.”

She chuckled softly. “ _Is that a challenge?_ ”

“ _If you want it to be_.”

“ _Oh Doctor, I think it’s more an invitation._ ”

With that, she moved her mental hands from his chest down to his stomach, across to his hips, and then down to his upper thighs. She smiled when she could feel him shudder slightly beneath her.

Well, that was more of a response than she had gotten last time. She rotated the image so it was lying horizontally. She then realised that she was clothed. She focused and soon she was naked as well. This was too good to be true. Her mental body was completely ready for him. She again ran her hands over his chest and down his stomach. She did this in the real world too. It felt strange and she realised he was still in a pullover and his pants. The pullover could stay, but the pants would have to go.

She focused on moving both sets of her hands over his chest again and then down to his hips. When her real hands reached the band of his pants, she tucked her fingers inside and slowly started to move them off. She felt the Doctor shift and she knew he was moving his hips so she could take them off, which she did, while maintaining contact with him to not break the… spell? It certainly felt like magic.

While she was at that end of his body, she removed her own panties. Then she slowly made her way back along his legs. All the while her mental hands were also moving along the legs of his image.

In the real world, she paused before her hands went anywhere more intimate, but on the image, her hands continued. The Doctor had calmness to him that he didn’t have the last time. So she continued and gently massaged his upper thighs moving closer and closer towards the Doctor’s genitals. Finally, her mental hands reached their target. She was able to gently manipulate his penis and testicles. As she did that, she slowly moved her body further up his so that what she was doing with her mental hands, she could do in the real world.

When her real world hands reached the Doctor’s penis, he gasped. This time, it wasn’t from shock as it had been during their first attempt, so many months ago, it was a _reaction_ ; it was, dare she think, _pleasure_.

“ _Indeed_.” Came the reply to her query and she couldn’t help but smile. This was a level of intimacy that they hadn’t shared before and River was revelling in it.

Good. This was very good indeed. Then she gasped, both in his mind and in the physical world. While she had been distracted, the Doctor had entered her mind and she could feel his mental hands wandering over her body in rather delightful ways. It was nearly too much, but she held on, because they were so close now – not just in the level of intimacy, but to accomplishing what she had been desperate to do for so long.

She refocused her attention and was more than pleased to discover he had an erection. Either they had to get to know each other better with the new body of his, or the mental connection was a vital element for him now.

“ _Probably both. And completing the wedding didn’t hurt._ ”

She chuckled and then gasped in pleasure as she realised his real hands had tweaked her nipples. Yes. Very good, indeed. The Doctor realised she was getting distracted by all the sensations so they either needed to take action or stop. He wasn’t sure what over stimulation would do to her – or to them, joined as they were.

River felt rather than heard those thoughts of her husband. And she needed no further encouragement. She manoeuvred herself so that she could line her vagina up with his penis. This was done in both worlds. She slowly sank onto him and as she did, what felt like an explosion of thoughts and emotions erupted all around her. As much as she wanted it to be just the Doctor’s reaction, she knew some were hers as well.

Everything mingled together. Once they were fully joined, both stilled for a moment, allowing the seeming chaos around them to calm. After a minute or so, River slowly moved her body to glide along the Doctor. This went on for some minutes, but the Doctor could stand it no longer and he managed to roll them so that River was under him. Her moan of satisfaction encouraged him and he started to move faster.

He could tell she was close to her climax, so adjusted his position just slightly. Being linked mentally as they were, they reached that blessed oblivion together.

At first, River felt more than saw what was going on, but she had to open her eyes to witness what she was feeling. Which was more to convince herself that it was happening. The Doctor’s entire body was glowing with something akin to regeneration energy. But it was more than that, tendrils of energy reached out towards her and tried to envelop her. She had no regeneration energy left, but she tried to create the same.

She must have used too much energy, because she actually pushed the Doctor away and to the other end of the bed. He nearly fell over the edge. He continued to glow for a few moments before everything dissipated into quiet.

He didn’t seem angry or offended. He was chuckling softly. “We’ll have to work on your control before you try that again.”

The magic spell had been broken, but River still felt content and satisfied in ways she never had before. “What was that? What happened, you’ve never done that before when we’ve copulated.”

The Doctor nodded. “It’s not copulation in this case.”

River’s brows furrowed. “I’m sorry?”

“It’s procreation. It’s how Time Lords procreate naturally.”

River was speechless for a full minute. “So we… and I could be…”

The Doctor gently shook his head ‘no’. He swallowed thickly. “Wouldn’t have happened this time. It takes a bit more practice and control than either of us had just now. But…”

River’s eyebrows crept toward her hairline. “It _could_? Even at our ages, we could…”

The Doctor shrugged and moved back towards River. He was hesitant to touch her, unsure how the connection would be received in that moment. His voice became softer now that they were closer. “We never really finished that conversation. So we’d have to talk about what we want. As far as I know, it only works if both parties want a child to be created out of their union.”

River huffed slightly. “You make it sound like you can control that kind of thing.”

“You’re thinking like a human. A Time Lord most certainly can. As could Gallifreyans – as my first wife did. And even without the ability to regenerate, you still have Time Lord DNA. So, yes. A conscious decision to procreate has to be present for the process to work.”

River exhaled softly. It was all too much to take in. A part of her had always wanted children, but the reality of it being possible, was a bit overwhelming.

The Doctor finally reached over and pulled her into his arms. “You don’t have to decide today. It is a possibility and it won’t happen unless both of us want it to. But this: what we have right here and right now, is the most amazing gift I could ever have.”

He paused a few moments to give River time. When she didn’t give any indication of hearing him, he whispered softly into her hair. “Breathe, River.”

She did take a small breath before she gave a reply. “Did I hurt you? When I…”

She felt him shake his head. He smiled. “No. Shocked me, since I wasn’t prepared for it. Nearly toppled me off the bed, but I’m fine.”

The drain of energy was starting to catch up with her. “Can we just sleep for a bit? I can’t think any more.”

He smiled and moved away from her. “Of course. But under the covers, the energy makes the room rather warm, but the heat will soon dissipate.”

He got off the bed, found her knickers and tossed them at her, and then found his pants and put them on. In the meantime, River had turned down the bed and they both got under the covers. The Doctor wrapped his arms around River and soon both fell into a deep sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone said they wanted sex? Well… alien sex has alien components. Just saying.


	16. Chapter 16

Several days had passed in only slight awkwardness. Neither the Doctor nor River had mentioned the possibility of procreation or mentioned the need or desire for sex. They were both too busy avoiding the topic. It was like they were dancing in a minefield and one misstep would cause an explosion.

The Doctor blamed himself. He saw this as yet another example of him messing up someone’s life. He knew enough about human biology to be slightly concerned about how River would react to the fact that they had sex. Being honest, he was more concerned about how she might react to the fact that they could procreate. That wasn’t even what truly bothered him. What bothered him the most was that he had no idea how he felt about that information himself.  

It was a terrifying prospect. The last time he had thought about children had been with Jenny and that had gone about as well as anything else in his life had. Why did everyone he cared so much about have to be so much like him? Even River, in the end, would die because she would learn too well to do what he would do.

He was on the TARDIS because he figured both of them needed some space to think. He was writing random equations on one of the chalkboards because it helped him to think and kept him relaxed. One of the benefits of being on the TARDIS, was that he could talk out loud without having to worry about anyone other than the TARDIS hearing him.

“Question. If River and I conceive a child, what kind of parent would I be?”

“ _Not a natural one, that’s for sure, mate._ ”

The Doctor smiled sadly as Donna’s voice echoed in his mind. He stopped writing on the board. He knew he was talking to Donna and not the TARDIS, but he still felt compelled to face the Time Rotor as he spoke. “Do you still think I was right? To let them in? And would it be right this time, knowing that River goes to her death after this?”

A hard-light hologram of Donna appeared on the level next to the console. He knew it was only a hologram, but he couldn’t stop himself from making his way down to the console to stand before her. “Donna?”

She smiled sadly and shook her head ‘no’. She didn’t speak until he stood only a few feet away from her. “She’s still just in your head. But I thought it might help if you could actually see her.”

He rested a hand on the console. “Clever girl.” Then he raised his eyes to meet Donna’s. He could allow himself this one luxury: to pretend that Donna was there. “I shouldn’t have told her it was possible.”

“You didn’t have much choice, Doctor, you had to explain what was happening.”

“But I didn’t have to explain _why_!”

Donna scoffed. “Have you met you?” She became serious again. “Sorry. But Doctor, would it have been right to keep it from her?”

He shook his head. “Of course not. But this? I don’t know that this is right either. I think a part of her desperately would like to have a child. But I think the other part of her is terrified.”

Donna smirked. “Are you talking about River or yourself?”

The Doctor sighed. Donna was always good with those questions and the TARDIS had obviously learned a thing or two from her. “Both, probably. Even if we’d have entirely different reasons for feeling like that.”

“Doctor...”

He looked at the hologram and his features fell to reveal something of the weight of sadness he carried with him everywhere he went. Her voice held a question rather than a demand for information. “To bring new life into the world… Isn’t that something everyone wants? To have some part of themselves live into the future…” He sighed heavily and sat on the stairs. “How can I possibly hope to properly raise a child without their mother? Even if they’re over twenty when River leaves, how can I bring a child into the world knowing they will lose their mother at such a young age?”

Donna tilted her head as she considered the agony the Doctor was inflicting upon himself. “Don’t you think it’d be better to talk to River? I mean you know it takes both parties and right now, you’re only guessing at how she might feel about things.”

“I don’t know where to start.”

Donna smiled softly. “Of course you do. Tell her about Jenny. Tell her about what we talked about. You know she knew me at the Library, so you tell her at some point, why not now?”

“I know you’re just a hologram that the TARDIS pulled together and that I’m not really talking to Donna.”

She just stared at him for a long time. “I was able to pilot the TARDIS, Doctor. And remember she and I were connected after Midnight when you wanted no one in your head. You think that she didn’t keep a little piece of me with her for a moment just like this? You think the pair of us wouldn’t have planned for it?” She just smiled at him. “We’re always here for you Doctor. Both of us. All of us.”

After she said that, other holograms started to appear all over the console room: Ian and Barbara, Polly and Ben, the Brig and Liz, Tegan and Nyssa, Mel and Ace, and all the rest. Even Clara was there, though he still couldn’t remember her. His friends. His family. He smiled softly.

“I lose sight sometimes. Forget.” He looked around the room, making eye contact with each hologram. “Thank you.”

With that, they all faded. The Doctor took a deep breath and exited the TARDIS. The only solution for this was to talk it out with River. Of course, that didn’t mean he stopped thinking about everything. There was one problem. He didn’t know if River was ready to talk about it yet. This would have to be approached with great care.

Tact has never been the Doctor’s strong suit, so he was deep in thought as he made his way back into the house. He approached their little library, pulled out a book, and sat in his reading chair. He didn’t want to rush River, but wanted her to know he was ready when she was. Even if he was about as far from ‘ready’ as he had been before he went to the TARDIS.

River had immersed herself in her research while the Doctor had been in the TARDIS. Even when nothing else had gone right for her, archaeology was always a comfort. Her attention was divided between her work and all of the possibilities of ‘procreation.’ She had always wanted children. But she didn’t know what to do now that the possibility was a distinct reality.

She had spent the past few days researching Time Lord procreation, but quickly realised that she would have to trust the Doctor completely on this issue. There just wasn’t much information available. It’s not that she doubted the Doctor, but she just always felt so far behind and she wanted to find some information for herself.

She was brought out of her thoughts when she heard the door open and close. The Doctor had come back from whatever he had been doing. She waited for a few minutes and sighed with relief when he didn’t come to get her. For some reason, she needed this to be on her terms and rushing it wouldn’t help.

After a few more minutes, she took one of her books out to the sitting room. The Doctor was in his reading chair. He was reading _The Time Traveller’s Wife_. That made River smile. “Don’t you have that book memorised yet?”

The Doctor looked at River over the top of the book. “I delete it, so I can enjoy it every time.”

River chuckled softly as she made her way to her own chair. “Now why does that not surprise me?”

The pair went quiet, each reading their own material. A few minutes later River closed her book and looked at the Doctor. “I don’t know that this is a decision I can make.”

Her voice was soft and held such vulnerability to it that the Doctor couldn’t help but close his own book and give her his full attention. “Nothing has to be decided now.”

She shrugged. “I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to. Besides, who knows if it matters? I’m over 200 years old and then there’s all they did to me that I can’t remember…”

The Doctor leaned forward. He hadn’t thought of the possibility that River couldn’t get pregnant, because someone might have interfered with her biology. “I’m sure the TARDIS…”

She held up a hand to stop him. “Doctor, I don’t know that I want to know.”

He frowned, confused. “Why not?”

“Because, right now it’s still a possibility. There’s still potential. It’s still just an idea that might come to fruition. If the TARDIS does a scan and I learn they did something to me…”

She broke off. Her eyes were glistening with unshed tears. The Doctor moved. Before either of them knew he had, he was leant against an armrest and had wrapped one arm around her shoulders. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think. I should have…”

She shook her head. “Don’t be. I hadn’t really considered it until just now. I mean, I thought about my age, and our genetic differences, but I hadn’t thought of… that. Mother couldn’t have children after…”

The Doctor leaned over and kissed the top of River’s head. “You want hope. Even if it’s something that doesn’t happen, the hope is enough.”

“On the darkest days, hope was all I had. All those years in Stormcage, I lived for your visits. Even the times when it seemed our timelines were getting further apart, I knew you would see me through, that you would hold to that promise. I had hope.” Her voice dropped to only a whisper. “You gave me hope.”

The Doctor rested the side of his head atop River’s head. “Okay. No scan, I promise.”

River didn’t realise how tense she had gotten until she relaxed under his promise. She took a moment to try to collect her emotions. “So what do you think about all of this?”

The Doctor stood and offered River his hand. “I think we’ll be more comfortable on the couch.”

She took his hand and let him help her stand. The pair moved over to the couch, so they could sit comfortably and the Doctor could tell his story. He decided that he couldn’t properly talk about Jenny without explaining everything up to that point. So, he started with meeting Donna on her wedding day, then meeting her again about a year later. He told River all the stories of the adventures and how he and Donna came to be best friends during their time together. Finally, he told River about how he, Donna, and Martha had ended up on Messaline.

He talked about how a machine made Jenny and how Donna helped him to accept her. “It had been so soon and yet so long since I had ended the Time War, I thought all of that had died in the Time War with everything else… Didn’t _want_ to be faced with all of the pain again.”

River snuggled closer to the Doctor. “Oh, Sweetie.”

He shook his head to stop her from saying more; he had to finish the story. He talked about how Donna had figured out that the war had only been going on for seven days and then the confrontation with Cobb. “Jenny jumped in front of me to save my life. She…”

He broke off. Why did it still hurt so badly all of these years later? He gently stroked the place on his right hand where the tissue sample had been taken. He didn’t have to say more. River had been around the Doctor enough to know that things didn’t always end well. She didn’t interrupt him, for which he was grateful.

“Donna later told me that the pain I felt didn’t mean I was wrong to let her in… I was right. When I asked her what happened next, she said we should find a new planet to see, since it’s what Jenny would have wanted. So we did.”

River waited until the Doctor finished and then met his eyes. “Well, we have that in common at least.”

The Doctor raised his eyebrow, so River continued. “The idea of bringing another being into this universe is scary.”

He offered a small, understanding smile. “I shouldn’t have ever said anything…”

River reached up and rested her finger over his lips. “Oh, Love, given what was going on, I don’t think you could have stopped yourself. Besides, like I said earlier: hope.”

The Doctor took a steadying breath. “We don’t have to decide today. We don’t even have to entirely decide.”

River looked confused. “But I thought you said, both people had to…”

He nodded. “I did, but I never said they had to tell each other the answer. It’s just helpful so that surprises don’t happen.”

River chuckled at that. “Not as different from humans as you like to think, then.”

He smiled. “I suppose not.”

Having sex again hadn’t really changed much for the Doctor. He was still not entirely comfortable with touch and nothing could erase his memories of what had happened in the Confession Dial. He still had nightmares and there was still the odd night where he just felt like it was safer if he slept on the TARDIS.

River grew used to these odd days. And they were odd. There was no rhyme or reason that she could tell that would ‘set the Doctor off’ or affect him so drastically to make him think she wasn’t safe around him. But, she also learnt it was better to not fight with him about it. She just tried not to worry that he would run away during those nights. Which was her own personal demon she had to fight.

One thing that had changed for the Doctor, it was easier to have sex in general. He didn’t get overly anxious about it now. This was much to River’s relief. She liked to communicate physically. So while she couldn’t always touch him in public, having sex was a way she could.

They didn’t talk about having children again. River was happy with her hope and the Doctor was happy to remain conflicted and to not really have to decide. Besides, the Doctor knew that River would get her children. He remembered fixing the Library Data Core and CAL, Joshua, and Ella were still there. River would have her children. As for himself, he had done that long ago. It’s not that he objected to the idea, but he just didn’t think he could handle losing any more. For as much joy and healing as a child could bring, having those old wounds reopened wasn’t something he wanted to face. 

He was a coward. Everyone always thought that he was so brave and strong, but at the end of the day, as he had said to the Dalek Emperor so long ago, he would choose coward every time.


	17. Chapter 17

“I need the TARDIS.”

River’s voice cut across the Doctor’s thoughts as he was working in his lab in their house.

“And why are you telling me? You’ve never bothered in the past.”

River noticed the hint of displeasure in the Doctor’s tone. She frowned as she stared at his back. He was still hunched over working on whatever it was. “That was the past. I thought things being as they are now, this would be better.”

“I believe the way you put it was, ‘I can take it, do whatever I want, for as long as I like, and pop it back a second later. He'll never know it was gone.’”

His reply wasn’t sharp, he was just repeating facts, but his annoyance was still evident. He tossed one tool down on to the table and picked up another. River’s frown grew deeper. “Sweetie, what is it?”

“River, just… go. Go and do whatever it is you need to do. Take the TARDIS, if you must, but just go.”

She came into the room and gently rested her hand on the Doctor’s shoulder. She thought he was tense before, but she felt it as his entire body tensed further. “Doctor, talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”

He huffed as he shrugged her hand off of his shoulder. He didn’t do this. Didn’t do domestic and certainly didn’t do ‘explaining what’s wrong’. He forced himself to stay still and not turn to look at her, though a part of him was tempted. “I’m having a bad day, all right? Or am I not allowed to have those? See, before, I would just run away. Or I would just be in the TARDIS by myself. But no. Now I’m here and I’m expected to explain things that have never needed explaining before.”

River didn’t want to push him too hard, but was afraid to let this fester. She moved to sit on the stool that was a few feet away from the Doctor. She didn’t move it to come closer and just stared at him.

He huffed again and still didn’t look at her. “If you think sitting there is going to get me to talk, you’re in for a long and boring day.”

River looked around his lab and noticed a book sitting just within her reach. She picked it up and started to read. Both of them could be stubborn, so she was pretty sure he knew what she was doing. What she wasn’t sure of was what was causing his ‘bad day.’ Was it the fact that she had taken the TARDIS on occasion? Was he feeling trapped? Was it something to do with his Confession Dial?

The Doctor groaned. “River, if you’re going to insist on broadcasting every thought you have, could you at least go in the other room? You’re giving me a headache.”

River grimaced. She mumbled her apology, but wasn’t sure she really felt apologetic. “Sorry.”

Finally, after another ten or so minutes, the Doctor stopped fiddling with whatever it was he was working on, he straightened his work area a little, and left the room without a word or even acknowledging River. As he passed through the sitting room, he picked up his guitar. He made his way to the kitchen, set the guitar on the back porch, and returned to make some coffee. As it was brewing, he cooked some cheese toasties. He didn’t ask River if she wanted any, but had made up two for her as well. If not, well, he was hungry enough to eat all of them.

River mostly stayed out of his way. She got a mug of coffee for herself when it was ready and caught the plate of toasties when the Doctor slid it across the counter towards her with a bit more force than was strictly necessary. This was all done in silence, except for the clattering of plates or utensils.

The Doctor picked up his coffee and plate and made his way to sit on the stairs of the back porch. He neither invited River, nor told her not to follow him. He did, however, leave enough space in case she wanted to join him.

She did follow him and they sat in silence while they ate the meal. River was doing the best she could to ensure her thoughts were blocked from him. Since he hadn’t commented since the lab, she assumed she was doing a good enough job.

The Doctor finished his sandwiches and set his plate aside. He then picked up his mug of coffee and sipped at it. He looked out across the night. “The deep and lovely dark” he had called it once. But right now, in this moment, it felt oppressive. Everything felt oppressive. He didn’t want to leave, but he didn’t want to stay.

Then there was the ‘problem of River.’ He loved her. He was enjoying this time together as much as he could and he was afraid to be away from her for too long, in case something happened he would later regret missing. But right now, that too felt stifling. He was torn between his desire for space and running and his desire to remain still. He sighed heavily and set his mug down. Then he picked up his guitar, tuned it, and started to pluck out a melody.

River settled herself into a more comfortable position on the stair and she just watched him for a long time. It wasn’t a melody that she recognised. There was one he played quite often when they first got here. ‘Clara’ he had called it. But this wasn’t that. It wasn’t the melody he played to the Singing Towers. It was something entirely different, but it was somehow incomplete. It wasn’t just that it wasn’t plugged in to any speakers. No. It was as if the Doctor was plucking a melody to a song that only he heard. She dared to break the moment. “I haven’t heard that one before. It’s lovely, but missing something.”

“The TARDIS.”

River was surprised he answered, but went with it. “I’m sorry?”

“It’s missing the TARDIS.”

“I don’t understand.”

He stopped playing, pulled out his sonic, aimed it at the TARDIS, and activated it. A few moments later, an amazing mix of sounds came through the TARDIS’ external speakers.

River smiled, but she was still confused. “It’s unlike anything I’ve heard before.”

The Doctor nodded and he looked over at the TARDIS with an expression that he only ever showed to the time ship. “It’s her song, you could say. If you take the gravity patterns for all the planets she’s ever visited along with sine waves comparable to all the different time zones she’s been in and feed them through the harmonic filter….” He shrugged. “You get her song. Though, I think sometimes she maintains some control over it.”

There was a slight rise in the background sound of her familiar hum. The Doctor smirked since his point had been made. “There you see?”

River’s smile grew. “It’s amazing.”

She looked over at the Doctor. He had started to play again, only this time, the guitar sounded through the TARDIS speakers. Then River understood. “You’re playing your song.”

He shrugged one shoulder. “If you want to call it that. She’s a great deal older than I am and had many adventures before I stole her away. I can’t always accompany her song….”

“…Because you weren’t with her. Which means, she has her song and you have yours.”

The Doctor shrugged again but didn’t speak as he was focused on playing. River lapsed into silence again and just listened. The Doctor worked his melody in and out, over and through the sounds that were coming through the TARDIS speakers.

River suddenly felt lonely. She had always understood that there would be a part of the Doctor’s life that she could never experience, but right now, she knew there was a part of his soul that she could never touch. It shouldn’t make her jealous. It shouldn’t cause this pain. But it did. It was a knife to her heart.

It was a moment before she realised that the Doctor’s playing sounded clumsy. She refocused her attention. And saw something. “Are you crying?”

Oh she had accused him of that when they had been standing on the balcony nearly a year ago now. But this time… she could see the tracks the tears were making.

The Doctor couldn’t even muster a denial. He had felt her doubts and her questions. River had gotten overly emotional and so her defences had slipped, letting him feel everything she had felt. He wasn’t intentionally keeping her at bay. At least he hadn’t thought that’s what he was doing. And yet. He still caused her this pain. She clearly didn’t doubt him. But there were parts of their lives they could never share.

He finished the melody and set the guitar aside. While he was turned from River, he pulled out a hanky, to wipe the tears away. He tucked it back into its place and looked at River.

She stared back for a long moment in silence. “Why are you sad?”

He shook his head. “Why are _you_ sad?”

She was not going to be deterred this time. “I’m not the one crying.”

“Not on the outside.”

“Doctor…”

He sighed. “I love travelling and the TARDIS. I love you. Why do they seem at odds with each other? And why does spending time with you more than anything make me think of Gallifrey and all I’m missing? That’s not fair to you… But it’s…”

The Doctor had started to weep again and his voice didn’t let him continue. River hesitantly moved closer. Given how he had reacted earlier, she thought it best to tell him what she was about to do. She swallowed thickly. “Doctor, I’m going to put my arm around you.”

She didn’t ask for permission exactly, but had he given her any indication of rejecting her advance, she would have stopped. He didn’t. She slowly wrapped her arm around him and pulled him to her. “Is that what you meant by having a bad day?”

She felt him shake his head. She swallowed hard. She hated to see him in these moments when she could see every one of the billions of years he had lived. And yet, it was a gift too. She knew he wouldn’t let anyone else see him like this. She didn’t know how to comfort him in this moment, so she just remained quiet for a long time. Finally, she dared to ask her question. “Is there some reason you can’t go back?”

He huffed, but it lost some of the effect since it was very wet sounding. River couldn’t help her sympathetic smile. “Was that a ‘yes’ or ‘no’?”

He took a shuddering breath so he could speak. “I don’t know that it’s a good idea.”

River nodded. But even that answer told her quite a bit. The Doctor _could_ go back. So, she had to help him discern whether or not he wanted to. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

“I exiled the President and High Council, which meant that I was President again. Then I stole another TARDIS and ran away. What do you think is the worst that could happen?”

River managed a faint chuckle. “Fair enough. But somehow I don’t think that’s what’s actually bothering you about the possibility of going back.”

He pulled away from her so that he could look at her properly. “What if they’re still alive?”

River was starting to piece it together. But she wanted – no _needed_ – him to say it. As much for his own good as for hers. “’They’ is a bit vague.”

“When I was there, I didn’t look. I didn’t _want_ to look. I didn’t seek them out. But it’s possible they survived like so many others. I knew that if I found them, I’d probably never leave again. But if the Master survived, it’s possible everyone else did.”

“Sweetie, who are ‘they’?”

“My family, River. My friends. Everyone and everything I ever ran from. I saved them, but when I had the chance, I didn’t seek them out, didn’t check on them.” He took a shuddering breath. “I’m not the man I was when I ran the first time. I’m not the man I was when I destroyed them. I’m not the man I was when I saved them and I’m not the man I was when I ran the last time.”

“Are you afraid they’ll reject you?”

“After everything they've been through, I wouldn’t blame them.”

River smiled softly as she held his gaze. “If they love you, if they’ve ever loved you, I don’t think that would happen.” She paused for a moment to let that sink in. “Are you sure it’s not something more?”

“Even if Romana is alive, finding her would be difficult. And if I can’t find her, can I really just abandon Gallifrey without any leadership when I was the one who made that mess?”

“I don’t for a minute believe that’s what is scaring you.”

He sighed softly. He could tell that River was not going to let this go. “Fine. Being with you makes me think of my family. It makes me want to go back and check on them. But, what if I go back and I find they are still alive? Where does that leave us? Where does that leave them? Isn’t it better to not know? I can go back at any time, it doesn’t have to be now.”

River couldn’t blame him for his conflicting emotions. “You don’t want to face having two families – two wives at the same time. Well, maybe it’s good that this is our last night together, then.”

River sounded braver than she felt. But the Doctor’s face was a mix of horror and regret. He shook his head strongly. “No, River. Don’t talk like that. Don’t listen to this stupid moment of sentiment. I doubt any of them are still alive.”

His reaction brought a smile to her lips, in spite of the seriousness of the conversation. “But you don’t know and you hate not knowing. More than hating that, you hate hurting people when you know you can prevent it. So instead, you’ll just put yourself through hell.”

He huffed with a hint of derision. “This isn’t hell. Believe me, I’ve been through hell. I’ll be fine. There just might be days when… I feel like this.”

River reached out and pulled him back into a hug. He went willingly and released a shuddering sigh. But it was different from before. River could feel the tension leave his body. Talking helped him, no matter how much he argued about it. She dropped a kiss to the top of his head. “I do need you to understand one thing: I am never, nor will ever be jealous of any of them. In fact, I’m grateful for them.”

At that the Doctor pulled back enough so he could look at her. “You thought I couldn’t love you, earlier it felt like you were jealous and now you say you’re grateful for them?”

She nodded and offered a small smile and reached a hand up to cup his cheek. “I am. Because all of those people that you’re fretting over right now, taught you how to do that. And I know that you worry yourself over me in the same way. How could I be jealous of them when you learned how to love from them and I get the benefits of that?”

She stroked his cheek with her thumb. The Doctor smiled at her. It was a smile that she knew he only ever gave to her. He had those. There was the look he gave the TARDIS and that was unique. There was the look he had whenever he played ‘Clara’ on his guitar and that was unique. So she knew this one was just for her.

The Doctor couldn’t speak. How could he possibly offer the ‘right words’ in the face of the love and acceptance that River was giving to him right now? Right now, words would be too many and too few at the same time. Instead, he reached up and took her hand from his cheek into his. Then he brought her hand to his lips and placed a gentle kiss to it. “You said you needed the TARDIS. Go. I’ll be here when you get back.”

“Are you sure you’ll be okay?”

A faint smile crossed his lips. “No. But I’d rather you just went so I can look forward to your return rather than worrying about when you might leave.”

River chuckled softly. “And you say you’re not a romantic.”

She leaned forward and gently kissed him on his lips. With that, she made her way to the TARDIS and the Doctor started to clean up from their meal.


	18. Chapter 18

River was surprise that the Doctor encouraged her to leave. If she were entirely honest, she understood why he was feeling the way he was and it was one of the reasons why she wanted to go. She needed to give her emotions a rest, though. So instead of going to Aguin Lir in order to collect the research book she needed, she sent the TARDIS to hover in the Vortex for a bit.

She hadn’t lied to the Doctor in the end, she realised. She wasn’t really jealous of those who had preceded her in the Doctor’s life. She was just sad that she could not share that part of his life with him. But then, wasn’t that what he had said about the TARDIS’ song? That he couldn’t always accompany her.

“Well, we really are too similar for our own good.”

River spoke aloud, even though she knew she didn’t have to. The TARDIS’ hum grew louder for a moment and that comforted River. She chuckled softly. “Okay, all three of us are. So, you’d think I would know how to help him.”

River was quiet for a long moment. Then an idea came to her, the Doctor would object, so the trick would be to make the trip happen without his really being aware of it. She first went to Aguin Lir to pick up the book she needed. It would give her more time to formulate her idea.

When she returned to the TARDIS, she did a test flight. She had to make sure they could get there first. Besides, this was just something she needed to do on her own. She could tell they went through a rough patch, but when the TARDIS materialised, everything was silent. That made her nervous for reasons she couldn’t identify. She set the handbrake and then made her way to the doors. She steeled herself as she opened them and looked out.

River took in the sights and smells around her. Time was a strange thing around this planet. Even if she knew when she had landed, she really didn’t know enough about the history to know if the timing was best or not. It didn’t matter, she was just here long enough to see if it was possible and to see the place with her own eyes.

She then closed the TARDIS doors and went to the controls. “How far back can we go?”

The TARDIS gave a groan in protest.

“Don’t be like that. It’s a simple question.... Okay, so yes, I should know better, you’re right.”

River checked the logs and frowned. “But, it happened here…”

The TARDIS displayed some additional information. “Okay, so that wasn’t you. It was… mostly her. I understand.”

River sighed. She could only offer this much. She didn’t know how the Doctor would react, but felt like she had to do something.

Finally, she returned to Darillium. She set the TARDIS to return about twenty minutes after she left. After all, she knew the Doctor probably needed as much space as she did. But, given his state, she didn’t want to give him too much space, she knew that wasn’t good for him either.

She exited the TARDIS and went straight to her lab to deposit the book so that it was ready for her when they returned – if the Doctor let them go at all. Then she went searching for the Doctor. Well, search is the wrong word. She really had been working on developing her side of their mental connection. The Doctor was stronger, of course, but she was getting better. All she had to do was calm herself enough to sense him. She grinned to herself when she found him in their bedroom. He was curled on the bed, wrapped around her pillow. Well, that was new. “Sweetie?”

The Doctor lifted his head and looked up at her. He slowly stretched to make it look like it was not at all intentional that he had been in that position. “Back so soon?”

She couldn’t help the small smile that appeared. “Well, looks like it was probably for the best.”

The Doctor scowled briefly and then sat up. “Did you get everything you needed?”

“Yes. And I have an idea.”

His eyebrows lifted. “An idea?”

River nodded and extended her hand. The Doctor accepted it and followed her. She led him to the TARDIS. He was a little confused, but didn’t say anything. River smiled as she used the ‘return button’, sending the TARDIS back to the last place she had been.

“Where are we going?”

“You’ll see.”

The Doctor was getting anxious. River had her ideas and when she didn’t share them, it usually meant trouble. He tried to keep too much concern out of his tone. “River, just tell me.”

She shook her head. Again, there was that odd jolt. The Doctor, not expecting it, ended up on the floor. “River!”

“It’s fine, Sweetie, happens every time.”

In this body, the Doctor was quite connected to the TARDIS. The only time she reacted like that these days were when he was going somewhere he shouldn’t or when they were under attack. “It’s very much not okay. How many times have you done this?”

River just shrugged as the materialisation sequence started. When it finished, she rushed over to the Doctor. “Better let me check first. I used the return button, but you know how the Old Girl can be.”

The Doctor gave a slight glare, but nodded and allowed River to check first. Once she confirmed that they had returned to the place, she stepped out and beckoned the Doctor to join her. He stepped out and his face fell. “What have you done? Why here? Why _now_?”

“Doctor, I’m going to ask you to take a deep breath and look around. Tell me what you see.”

The Doctor scowled, but did as she asked. He took a breath. “We’re in the Drylands. That is the capital, the Citadel, under it’s protective glass. There are the mountains of Solace and Solitude.” He broke off for a moment. “Why are we on Gallifrey?”

River spoke calmly, “Because, Doctor, it is still your home. No matter how far you run.”

He shook his head, trying to deny her words. “It’s not. Not any more.”

“Then why did you go back and save it?”

The Doctor turned to enter the TARDIS. River was leant against the doors to prevent him from leaving. The Doctor frowned. “I couldn’t live with being haunted by all the people I had killed.”

River shook her head. “They still haunt you. So why can’t you be here?”

“Because _they_ shouldn’t be here! I had a weak moment and did the one thing I should have never done!”

He was breathing heavily. River turned him around and made him look again across the wasteland. “Something is missing that would make you say that. What?”

The Doctor’s eyes were shimmering with tears he didn’t want to fall. It was difficult to see through them. He swallowed thickly to make his voice work. “The trees. The red grass. My family. My friends. I saved Gallifrey, but as it was at the end of the War. All of this, is what they’ve done to rebuild it, but it’s not the same.”

River wrapped and arm across his back and leant her head against his shoulder. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

The Doctor looked down at her and nodded once. He held up his hand, in a gesture inviting her to take it. She did. He then nodded again for her to look in front of them. As she turned her head, she gasped. The view in front of her had changed and transformed to something completely different. They were still in a desert area, but the Citadel looked more regal, less silvery, and redder. As she looked closer, she understood why, surrounding the entire area was a lush, red grass. The grassy area sprawled its way towards the mountains and into the Drylands. But the trees. They were beautiful. The silver leaves reflected the sunlight, making them look like they were ablaze with fire.

Suddenly, they were in the fields, even though River knew they hadn’t moved an inch. The laughter of children at play surrounded them. And then she saw them: two young boys and a girl. They were, well, frolicking was the best word that came to her mind. Then she understood these were the Doctor’s memories. She released his hand and the images vanished.

The Doctor turned to her. Confusion was on his face. River shook her head in an effort to ward off anything he might say. It took her a moment to formulate her words. “Doctor, that isn’t why I brought you here. I didn’t mean to force you to share your memories.”

“Then why _did_ you bring me here?”

“Because I’ve never been here.”

“I would argue that you still haven’t.”

River nodded. She turned, opened the TARDIS doors, and went inside. The Doctor followed. He shut the doors, went to the console, and then pulled the lever, sending them into the Vortex and back to Darillium. It wouldn’t be good for them to be discovered.

Neither of them spoke for a long time. Finally, the Doctor took a breath. “River, the Gallifrey I knew, the Gallifrey I loved, the Gallifrey I ran from, no longer exists. I told Donna once that I couldn’t ever go back. She thought I was talking about Pompeii…”

River came closer to him. “You were talking about Gallifrey.”

He nodded once. He was quiet again for a few moments. “And somehow, I’m still not sure, maybe it had something to do with the Zygons, but I was crossing my own time line. When I was young and foolish and had that terrible chin, I thought it was my chance to save it.”

River approached him and rested a hand on his shoulder. “But you never think things through to their conclusion when you’re overly emotional.”

He nodded once. River pulled him into her arms and held him in a hug. “I’m sorry.” She was quiet for a long moment, just holding him. “Do you regret it?”

“I should. After all they’ve done to me. I should.”

River smiled sadly. “You can’t. So, you found another way. You always do. Instead, you just convince yourself it’s not there any more.”

The Doctor shrugged. “If I could have saved it from an earlier point in time, I would have. Before the Time War, before they became as crazed as the Daleks. When it was just the renegades they went after…”

River let him go and moved to sit on a set of stairs. She just watched him for a long time and he watched her. “But that’s not all of it. It’s not just pain you’re running from.”

The Doctor hung his head and gave it one slow shake. “Hope.”

River barely heard the word, but when she did, her eyes snapped to the Doctor’s. “Hope for what?”

He sighed. River pressed her lips together. “Your family…. Your real family. That one of them is still alive?”

He came and went down on one knee in front of River. He took one of her hands in both of his. “River. You _are_ my real family. I mean, you think I’d spend twenty-four years with just anyone?”

She couldn’t help the soft snort that escaped her. “I suppose not.”

He smiled softly and nodded his approval. “But to answer your question, yes.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Yes?”

“Yes. I hope that one of them is still alive. Keeping Gallifrey distant, lets that illusion exist for a little longer.”

“Like you did with mother and dad. Like you’re doing with Clara. Like you’ve done with Donna.”

The Doctor nodded once. “Like you do with the things you don’t want confirmed.”

River huffed slightly. She knew he was talking about her thoughts about children. She didn’t know if he was trying to change the topic on purpose, so she redirected it to him. “No wonder you’re so good at it.”

“Billions of years of practice.”

She huffed again. “Literally.”

He nodded, then he gestured that River should make room for him. She did, so he joined her on the step. “I counted one terrible night. I counted all the people I had killed.” The TARDIS groaned and he looked over at the rotor. “We counted. Every man, woman, and child on Gallifrey; every Dalek; every planet and star system that was affected by using _The Moment_ ; all those lost in the fire. I still hear their screams sometimes. Saving Gallifrey wasn’t enough to erase that.”

River again wrapped an arm across his back. “What is it like? Seeing both timelines. The one where you sacrificed them and the one where you saved them.”

He was quiet for a long time, trying to come up with the proper analogy. “It’s like looking at a great river getting diverted by an island. There is one river before the island and one river after it. But from any point of the island, it can look like there are two distinct rivers. The side of the island you are on determines which kind of river you see. Since I’m passed all of that, it’s like looking down at the river from a great height.” He sighed heavily. “I wish it had been that clear when I was going through it.”

Both of them were silent for a long time. He looked at her out of the corner of his eye. “How did you survive all those years in Stormcage?”

River smiled properly now and pulled her husband closer to her. “You ask that a lot. Is it really so hard to believe that I had you to look forward to?” She paused. “What did you have, Doctor?”

She left it open-ended. She figured he would be more likely to answer if she didn’t pick a specific event. He huffed. He should have known she’d turn it back to him. “After the War? I had Earth and all the people there. I… went around saving a lot of people. But I didn’t want to live myself. So each situation was more dangerous than the one before.”

“Rose. You met Rose when you battled the Nestene Consciousness.”

The Doctor nodded. River smirked. “What made her special?”

The Doctor grew reflective. “I guess because she didn’t believe anything that was happening around her, but she didn’t let that stop her from asking questions.”

River hugged him just a little. “Her curiosity was as insatiable as yours.”

He nodded. “And her human innocence was infectious. I needed that.”

River placed a gentle kiss to his cheek. “Still do.”

“I suppose.”

“So what are you doing with me? I’m far from innocent.”

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. “You’re not guilty. Sometimes your approaches to doing the right thing need a little work, but in the end, you do things for the right reasons. That’s your innocence winning over your upbringing.” He paused for a moment, just to let that thought settle before he added another. “Besides. I love you.”

He looked at her for a moment from the corner of his eye and then he slowly turned his head and captured her lips with his.

The kiss lingered for some moments. When they finished, the Doctor leant his head so that it was touching River’s. Since they had been practising their mental connections, River now understood why this was such an intimate gesture for Time Lords. She felt the familiar mental tug that she would never refuse. It didn’t take much for her to follow it. This time wasn’t like the times before. She couldn’t see anything, but she felt things. She knew they weren’t her feelings, but the Doctor’s. He was allowing her into a part of his life that he rarely acknowledged existed even to himself. There were so many emotions, but it wasn’t the maelstrom she was expecting. She could experience each individual emotion and could even sense the various events attached to each one. She calmed herself and tried to revel in this gift he was granting to her.

After a few moments, it faded. The Doctor stood and extended his hand to River. She smiled up at him and took it. He started to lead her to the exit. She tilted her head in question. The Doctor blushed ever so slightly and shrugged as he looked at the time rotor. “No hanky-panky on the TARDIS.”

River raised her eyebrow, since her parents clearly had. The Doctor smirked. “I don’t think I could have stopped them if I tried.”

River frowned. “Then why the rule?”

The Doctor looked fondly at the central column. “Well, you wouldn’t invite yourself over to your friend’s house, start shagging in their sitting room, and force them to watch…” His face contorted into one that suggested he had forgotten to whom he was speaking. “…Actually, you probably would.”

River giggled softly. “Oh Doctor, you’re trying to protect the TARDIS’ feelings!”

He shrugged. “Well, she is sentient.”

“I think it’s very sweet.”

She leant in to gently kiss his cheek. Then she opened the doors and led them out and back to their house. They slowly undressed each other as they made their way to the bedroom. Neither felt the need to rush, this time. It wasn’t so much about satisfying their physical needs and desires. They both saw it as another opportunity to share their emotions.

This time, when the tendrils of energy reached out to River, she had an idea of what was happening. Instead of trying to reach out to do this same, she tried to welcome the energy into herself. It was the best orgasm that either of them had experienced in all the time they had been together. After the energy had dissipated, they curled up in each other’s arms and fell asleep.

When the Doctor woke, they were still curled around each other. He sensed something was different in the room, but couldn’t identify what had changed. He decided it couldn’t be anything important and snuggled back into River to sleep some more.

Some time later, River woke to the comforting weight of the Doctor wrapped around her. She smiled at him. He looked so much younger when he slept and all the worries of the universe were erased from his features. She slowly stroked his cheek and then let her fingers wander into his hair. As if the Doctor sensed her staring at him, and to be fair, he probably did, he slowly opened his eyes to look at her. She smiled and leant in to kiss his lips. He responded in kind. As they broke apart, River whispered, “Good morning, Love.”

He smiled at her. “Good morning.”

He then mirrored her movements, lacing his fingers through her curls. He eventually allowed his hand to slide back to glide along her cheek, down to her neck, along her shoulders, down her arm and then maked the small jump to her hip. He just rested it there for a moment. Then he slowly turned his hand and used the back of his fingers to trace over her stomach, up to her chest and around one of her breasts, and back down again. He frowned slightly and turned his hand to press his palm flat just under River’s belly button. River caught the frown. “Sweetie? What’s wrong?”

He looked up at her with a smile that tried to be reassuring. “Nothing. Nothing is wrong.”

River gave him a look that dared him to be lying. He shook his head and leaned in to kiss her. She didn’t sense any deception, so she decided it was best to believe him.


	19. Chapter 19

The Doctor had let his concerns linger for a few weeks. River seemed none the wiser, neither about his concerns, nor about what he was now fairly sure he sensed. He wanted to get through their first anniversary on Darillium first. They didn’t really celebrate it the way typical couples might. He knew that each year that passed was another year closer to him having to say ‘goodbye’ to River forever. She would see him again. He could promise her that much if she started to take things too much to heart.

They viewed time differently. Even with her augmented lifespan, twenty-four years was longer for River than it was for him. So, in the Doctor’s mind, he was celebrating Christmas, not their anniversary. River could celebrate whatever she pleased.

They again went to the restaurant, but didn’t need the balcony this time. He only requested a table that was close enough to the windows that they could hear the singing. Oddly, that was actually something they could arrange. Then, thinking ahead, he put in reservations at odd intervals so they could have the balcony, of course, ensuring that they would have it on the twenty-fourth anniversary. He was a bit of a sentimental fool, no matter how much he tried to deny it.

The Doctor was worried about River, but he had no idea how to approach her about his concerns. Had they been on the TARDIS, it would be easy to have the Old Girl perform a scan. But he didn’t know how to get River on board again so soon, without her getting suspicious. He supposed he could make a small scanner to augment what the sonic might be able to detect, but even that would probably be inadequate. He didn’t have a choice. He would have to get over his fears and concerns and confront her properly.

They were sat in the kitchen enjoying their beverages after eating a late lunch. Both of them were reading books. Finally, the Doctor couldn’t stand it any longer. He looked pointedly at River. “How are you feeling?”

River lowered her book enough so that she could see him over it and raised an eyebrow. “I’m sorry?”

“You. How are you feeling?”

“Fine. Why wouldn’t I?”

The Doctor pursed his lips. “Why indeed.”

River marked the place in her book and set it aside. “Sweetie, what’s this about?”

The Doctor mirrored what River had done with her book. He sighed heavily. “I think we should let the TARDIS do a scan…”

River’s brows came together with confusion. “Doctor?”

He shrugged. “It’s probably nothing. Probably I’m being overly sentimental.”

River looked at him. “No…. You’re worried. You think I don’t see it. You think I can’t sense it. But…”

Now it was the Doctor’s turn to look confused. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

River shrugged. “Because you’re you. If it was something to really worry about, you’d say something.” She paused for a moment; her voice was only a whisper. “What do you think is wrong?”

“It doesn’t matter what I think. Not if you agree to let the TARDIS scan you.”

He didn’t want to tell her. Not now, not like this. Especially when he could be so very wrong. Especially when he hoped he was wrong.

River pursed her lips in thought. The Doctor tried to temper his anxiety as he waited for her answer. Finally River nodded. “Not like we had anything planned for today.”

The Doctor tried for a smile, but he couldn’t quite manage it. He shook his head. “Sorry. I… I can’t joke about it.”

“You think it’s serious.”

He managed a tiny smile at that. “I take practically anything where you are concerned as serious.”

River swallowed thickly at that and nodded. “Well. Let’s get it over with, then. I know how you hate not knowing things.”

The Doctor released the tension that had been building for the last few weeks. He could handle just about anything, as long as he knew everything he could about the situation. He stood and extended his hand to River. The pair made their way to the medical bay on the TARDIS. The Doctor had River lie on one of the cots and got everything ready for the scan. This was done silently. River tried to sense what the Doctor was thinking or feeling, but the only thing she felt from him was love and concern. That didn’t really tell her what he was thinking could be the problem. She sighed and stopped trying and she didn’t bother trying to talk either. Their year together had taught her that when the Doctor was in a mood like this, to just let him do what he needed.

The Doctor’s thoughts were a maelstrom. Illnesses were rare in the 52nd Century. Though, given the amount of time-travel River did, it was possible she had contracted something on one of her visits to other time zones. Or… something about her changed DNA had caused it. If ‘it’ was a thing. He wasn’t sure yet. That’s why he had to do this scan.

Once everything was gathered and River was properly in position he looked down at her. “Ready?”

“Sweetie, I thought you said it was just a scan.”

“It is… but…” He sighed. “Fine. I’m starting it, should take about thirty seconds. Just be still.”

With that, the Doctor went to the controls and started the scan. For the most part he watched the monitor for the results, but he kept looking at his wife from the corner of his eye too. When the scan was complete, the Doctor had to wait a few moments for the TARDIS to display the information on the monitor.

When it finally appeared, he studied it closely. He hung his head at the final results. River sat up on the cot. “Sweetie, what are the results?”

The Doctor huffed, trying to clear his emotions so he could talk to her properly. He moved to sit next to her on the bed. “River… I need you to try something.”

She frowned but nodded. The Doctor continued, “I want you to close your eyes and sense your body, see if you can detect anything different about it.”

River did as she was asked. After a few minutes, she opened her eyes. “No. I feel fine.” She took in the Doctor’s grim expression. “I’m not okay. What’s wrong?”

“River, I don’t know. Not exactly. Even the TARDIS is a bit confused. I’m going to jump on a limb and theorise that it’s partly to do with your DNA. It might be your expanded lifespan. It might have something to do with what the Silence did to you…” He broke off and huffed slightly again. “Some of your cells are changing. Which normally would simply be expected. But, they’re starting to attack each other.”

“I don’t understand. Are you saying I’m sick?”

The Doctor nodded once. He didn’t want to say it. He knew River was smart enough to figure it out. He just had to wait…

River laughed. She actually had the nerve to laugh. “Doctor, that’s ridiculous. Most illnesses were eradicated by the time the Silence took me. And those that weren’t – they had inoculations for them.”

The Doctor nodded. “Which is why I suspect your altered DNA has something to do with it.”

River swallowed thickly. “You said some of the cells are attacking others. Like in cancer?”

“I wish it were that simple.”

“Okay, Doctor, you have a theory or something.”

The Doctor nodded again. “In regular humans, you would be experiencing what they call ‘Germ Cell Tumours’.”

River’s hand moved to just under her belly. “Cancer. Ovarian cancer?”

The Doctor shrugged. “I don’t know. It hasn’t spread and it’s in the earliest stages. If you were on Earth in the early Twenty-First Century, it hasn’t progressed far enough for them to even detect it.”

“Well, then use your regeneration energy and heal me. You’ve done it before.”

He frowned and looked over at her. “River… I… We don’t know what’s causing it. Even if I could do that successfully, there’s nothing to say it wouldn’t make everything worse.”

There was a part of him that had always wondered what would happen in River’s future since she had used so many regenerations in one go. Maybe this was a result. He sighed. “There’s only so much I can do. My medical skills are limited. And this… No one has seen this kind of cancer since the middle of the 31st Century.”

River took in what he was saying. But, she wasn’t going to give up so quickly. “Well. Then it’s a good thing you have a time machine. We can go back. They can cure me.”

“And what do we tell them? Your DNA isn’t human and it’s not Time Lord. You’re a hybrid. I… I don’t want you to become an experiment to them.”

“Then you’ll just have to go to their schools, learn as much as you can, come back and cure me.” She tried to infuse a bit of humour into her tone. The situation wasn’t funny, but it was as brave as she could be in this moment.

The Doctor wrapped his arms around his wife. “I will do what I can. I can promise that much.”

“Will I die?”

“Everything dies eventually.”

River rolled her eyes. “Will I die sooner than you were thinking?”

“I hope not.”

Because it would mean they wouldn’t get their twenty-four years. The events at The Library were now a fixed point, but their time on Darillium? It was always in flux. Maybe this was why. Then again, maybe that’s part of what made her so brave in the end. Maybe that is why she was okay with her death – she was already dying from something else.

“Doctor, don’t you dare!”

The Doctor scowled as he looked over at her. “What?”

“You’re thinking about giving up before you’ve even started. This is my life and I refuse to do that, so you’re just going to have to figure out a way to fight this.”

“H-how much did you hear?”

A small smile graced River’s lips. “I don’t need to be able to hear anything. It’s written all over your face. In case you were worried about potential spoilers about my future…”

He nodded. “Okay.” He took a deep breath. “Okay. I had my suspicions. So I started to do some research. It hasn’t spread to the other ovary yet. The Sisters of the Infinite Schism might be able to help. Your bio scans will already be on file.”

“Why do I feel like there’s a massive ‘but’ coming?”

“Because that’s how things go in my life. The problem is: like I said, they have never seen anything like this. They might not know how to perform a surgery. Having them do it won’t necessarily be any better than if I did it with the TARDIS’ help.”

“And removing it is the only option? There isn’t some medicine or something?”

The Doctor nodded. “Chemotherapy is what they call it on Earth. You’d probably need a bit of that too, just to make sure the cancerous cells are eradicated.”

“You’ve put a lot of thought into this. How long have you known or suspected?”

His tongue slipped out to lick his lips. “That time after you took me to Gallifrey...”

River gasped. “That was _weeks_ ago. Why did you wait so long?”

“Because I wasn’t sure. Because I knew we had time. Because it was Christmas.”

She reached up and cupped the side of his face. “Always running.”

His cheek pulsed as he clenched his teeth slightly. River wasn’t wrong; he really shouldn’t have waited. Now he had no idea how fast things were progressing for her. He took her hand in his and kissed her knuckles. Then he slid off the cot and gently pulled her so she would follow. They made their way to the console room. He set the coordinates and gave her a week smile before throwing the lever.

“To the Sisters of the Infinite Schism we go.” He pointed a stern finger at River. “But, if they do one thing I don’t like, we’re coming straight back here and I’ll figure out a way to take care of it myself.”

River offered a smile as she wrapped her arms around him. “There’s the Doctor I know.”

It was only a few minutes before the materialisation sequence began. The Doctor felt River tense when the engines made their familiar noise. “It’s all right, River. Like you said, you feel fine.”

She nodded and released him. There was the gentle thump as the materialisation completed. He set the brake and smiled at her. “Better let me go first.”

River grabbed his hand. “Not this time. This is about me and I want to know everything.”

The Doctor sighed, but couldn’t argue with her. The TARDIS beeped. On the console a small device appeared. The Doctor rested a palm on the console before he picked it up. “Thank you, dear.”

River squinted at the device. “My medical records?”

The Doctor nodded. “And in a format they’ll be able to use.”

He pocketed the device and they made their way out of the TARDIS. She had parked herself in the basement of the hospital, tucked in a cupboard that was clearly disused. Perfect. Even if they had to stay here a few days, the TARDIS would be well hidden. They made their way up to reception and the Doctor asked to see Sister Clastira, since she had been the head of River’s team the last time she was here. They were informed that she was in the middle of coordinating a shift change, but if they could wait twenty minutes or so, she would be down to meet with them.

The pair went to the lounge area so they could sit down while they waited. After a few moments of quiet, the Doctor spoke. “Stop being so worried. If this doesn’t work, we’ll figure something out.”

“I’m fine. Like you said, it’s still early stages. You are projecting, I think.”

“Oh? What makes you say that?”

She reached over and rested a hand on top of his knee that had been bobbing up and down slightly. “Because you are much more fidgety than usual.”

He stopped bobbing his leg and rested a hand over hers. “Sorry.”

She offered a small smile. “It’s all right.”

It was another few minutes before Sister Clastira came to meet them. “Doctor! River Song. The universe is good to let me see you again.”

The pair rose and greeted the woman warmly. She looked between them and knew they weren’t there for a social visit. “If you follow me, we can talk in my office.”

They followed her and sat in the chairs she offered to them. After they explained what they had discovered and the Doctor provided the data file, Sister Clastira said she wanted to examine River herself. “But, I know how you can be Doctor. We actually have a patient that you might be able to help with. It will keep you busy while I do this, if you wouldn’t mind?”

The Doctor couldn’t resist the opportunity and if nothing else, it would serve as a distraction. “I’ll do what I can.”

Sister Clastira smiled. “River, if you go through that door there, it leads to my private exam room. There’s a robe, if you could change and I’ll be along once I set the Doctor on his way.”

With that dismissal River gave the Doctor a squeeze of his hand then leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “They really do know you too well.”

After the door was closed, Sister Clastira held up a datapad and handed it to the Doctor. He looked it over. “Patient X-542s8?”

She shrugged. “No identity. No memory. Besides the injuries – which seem to be preventing speech – there’s only one identifying feature…”

“…Two hearts.” The Doctor cut in as he read the information.

Clastira nodded. “The Patient has been here for about four months.”

“Four months! And you’re only just now telling me?”

She tilted her head. “We tried to contact the TARDIS but received a message that you were unavailable for the next twenty-four years.”

The Doctor blushed slightly. “Oh. The TARDIS was trying to be helpful. I will be happy to look in on the patient.”

“Thank you, Doctor.”

With that, the Doctor stood to take his leave, with the datapad. He paused before he opened the door and turned back to her. Anything he wanted to say died on his lips. Sister Clastira smiled warmly. “I promise I’ll take care of her, Doctor. Besides, this is just an evaluation. We’re not going to do anything right now.”

He gave a sheepish nod of his head and left.

The Doctor made his way to the ward and room that was flagged on the datapad, but first checked in with the nurse’s station so that they would know he had been sent to check on the patient. He was then escorted to the proper room.

He wasn’t quite prepared for the sight that greeted him. The file had listed ‘Dalek Attack.’ But… this was… He had to take a breath and lean against the wall for a moment as he had a flashback to the Time War. What the person on the bed suffered from wasn’t an attack. They were tortured. While Daleks usually killed anything and everything, during the War, they had developed some rather exquisite manners of physical and mental torture. Most people prayed for Daleks to kill them rather than capture them.

The creature that was in the bed was humanoid, but from the bits of flesh the Doctor could see, had clearly been charred over their entire body. There was no real shape to the face that the Doctor could discern – the way the skin and muscles had been burned had distorted identifiable features. There were tufts of brown hair on the head, but it was few and far between.

The patient seemed to be sleeping, so the Doctor decided to take up a chair and wait for them to wake up. He hadn’t read the file that closely and this would give him a chance to do that. Mostly, he let his mind wander. Gallifrey was back, so this could literally be any Time Lord. There were a host that he selfishly hoped it was. There were more that he was hoping it wasn’t. Then there were those select few that a small part of him wished were suffering like this, since they deserved it in his mind.

That was a little unfair. He knew of the torture techniques that would lead to these kinds of injuries and he really wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

It was about ten minutes later that the patient slowly stirred. The Doctor stood, not quite over the patient, he didn’t want to crowd them, but close enough that he could observe them properly.

The patient hummed a gravely noise, which the Doctor found encouraging. It meant their vocal cords were still intact. It would take some evaluations to determine if they had been damaged and how badly. The eyelids slowly raised and he was horrified at what he saw. They were eyes he thought he would never see again. They were crystal blue in colour. He spoke the name, but it was really just a gasp. “Missy.”

The Doctor had to swallow down the bile that rose in his throat when he recognised the Time Lord in the bed. It shouldn’t change anything. He should care no matter who had experienced that kind of suffering. But the fact that he might have contributed to it by abandoning her in his anger… Well. No guilt like the guilt he carried with him everywhere. This was just one more person he could add to that pile.

He looked her over; head to toe. This time he studied her intently. “Oh, Missy. I’ll be right back.”

He left the room to inform the nurse that he was going to switch off some of the monitors, since he needed to run some tests. They should only be concerned if he called for them. They were sceptical, but agreed. He returned to the room, closed the door, turned off the monitors, and pulled a chair so he could sit closer to Missy. The pair stared at each other for a long time. Finally, the Doctor sighed. There was really only one way to do this and he hoped she understood.

“This might hurt a little and I’m sorry. But I think it’s better if you touch me than if I touch you.”

There was a shudder that ran through Missy’s body. The Doctor had no way to know for sure if that was acceptance or refusal. He took a breath, rested his head near Missy’s hand, and gently as he could, moved her hand so that her fingers rested on the available contact point. They could have probably done it by touching any body part, but this was the best way to make the connection easier on her. He didn’t know how strong or weak she was at this point.

He knew this was dangerous. The Master had always been the better telepath, but he was a great deal older now, in one sense, and there’s something to be said for experience that comes with that. He made no effort to push into her mind. Not this time. This was just to make talking easier. He waited. Somewhat apprehensively, a part of him expected an assault on his mind. Although none came, he left his barriers in place.

After giving them both a few moments, the Doctor wondered if she was too injured for this. He very quietly called out to her. “ _Mistress_?”

“ _You… …. Left… …. Me._ ”

Missy’s voice was small. Fragile. Her words tore through him. She thought them as if he weren’t thinking about those things himself. A part of him wanted to protest. To explain that he was angry and when had he done anything right when he was angry? He wasn’t sorry he had left her. Not really. He was only sorry that this was the result. But… why had he been so angry? What had she done that would make him abandon her again? It had to have been something truly terrible. Perhaps connected to Clara. He would have to check with the TARDIS. “ _I’m here now. We’ll find a way to help you_.”

“ _Tired…_ ”

With this weak of a connection, he couldn’t tell if she was merely stating a fact, or trying to find a way to get him to break the connection. Either way, he had to respect it. “ _Okay. I’ll leave you to rest_.”

With that, he closed the connection and gently returned her hand to the bed. He leaned near her ear. “But, I’m coming back.”

Then he collected the datapad, turned all the monitors back on, and left the room, giving her one last glance. He made his way back to Sister Clastira’s office. He needed time to think about how best to help Missy, but he also had his wife to think about.


	20. Chapter 20

When the Doctor returned to Sister Clastira’s office, she and River were waiting for him. River knew something had happened, just by looking at him, but she wasn’t going to press him right now. Sister Clastira smiled at him and gestured that he should sit.

He was exhausted. It was all too much, he needed time to process all the information, but for now, River was more important. He sat and reached out to take River’s hand, though whether to comfort her or himself was anyone’s guess. The Sister looked from husband to wife and cleared her throat before she began speaking. “I have many more tests I want to run before I state anything conclusively. I was able to extract all of the large cells so that I can run those tests. There are still cells that are mutating and developing. They were too small for me to extract.”

The Doctor narrowed his eyes. “You were only to evaluate. You weren’t supposed to perform…”

“Sweetie, I know this is difficult for you to appreciate, but I can make some of my medical decisions for myself.”

River’s reproach was enough to calm him slightly. Still, he could read between the lines. “You have a theory. Something more concrete than mine?”

The woman across the desk nodded. “You did give me an idea. Given how little is known about Time Lord biology and that River’s biology is unique even to that, I need a base line to compare it. Doctor, if you would be willing, I would like to take some samples from you. Not just blood, but if we could find a way to capture some regeneration energy….”

“Absolutely not.”

River’s head snapped to look at the Doctor when his answer came so quickly. She tried to sooth him. “Doctor, I know that it might be dangerous information for them to have, but…”

The Doctor shook his head. “No. Find another way. Or give me some of the cells, tell me what you’re thinking, and I’ll run the tests.”

Clastira nodded. “I thought that would be your reaction. River, it’s all right, the secret of Regeneration was carefully guarded before your husband went across time and space deleting himself.” She paused for a moment, only to shift her attention back to River. “We have implanted a monitor inside River. It will monitor all bodily functions, including the development of these cells in particular. I would like to see River again in a month. I want to measure how quickly the cells are developing. And hopefully information from the monitor will give us an idea of what is happening. As of now, they’re not spreading and are focused on the one ovary. That said, continue with what you normally do, River is not in any immediate danger.”

It was the best they could hope for, until they could get the results from the tests. If the Doctor didn’t think they were running the right tests, or if things proved inconclusive, he figured they could collect more cells from River at the next visit and he could take them somewhere else for a second opinion. He would return to Gallifrey if he had to.

River noticeably relaxed. Although the Doctor had made it clear she wasn’t in any immediate danger, it was helpful to hear it from a second person – and someone who wouldn’t lie to try to protect her. Over all, it sounded like they could go about their business as usual. As they were about to leave, Clastira spoke. “Doctor, a moment alone?”

The Doctor grimaced and pursed his lips a moment. He nodded to River. “I’ll see you in the TARDIS.”

River left and the Doctor returned to his seat. Clastira nodded. “You checked in on the patient.”

The Doctor nodded. “And I will again before I leave.”

“You know who it is?”

“The body is unrecognisable.”

That wasn’t a lie, even though he could feel Clastira trying to suss if he was being honest or not. “Your evaluation about it being a Dalek attack is correct, but it wasn’t as innocent or simple as an attack. That Time Lord was tortured. So, I need to figure out why. I need to learn if that’s someone who fell through some aspect of the Time War or if the Daleks have been working on other plans.”

Clastira nodded. “Is there anything more we can do for them?”

The Doctor shook his head. “Not right now. Keep them as comfortable as you can. I would like to take the datapad with me. There are a lot of rumours and folklore that surrounds different parts of the Time War, I need time to research. And it looks like you just gave me a month.

The sister nodded. “Of course. And if there’s anything else you need, don’t hesitate to ask.”

With that, the Doctor got up and left. He wasn’t ready to tell anyone he knew that it was Missy in the hospital. But, he had promised her he would return, so he was going to do just that. He would have to stay away from the Infinite Schism until the month had passed in normal time, so that they could authentically track River’s progress. He wanted Missy to know he would be back and would work on things while he was away.

But seeing her again caused flashbacks to his experience in the War. While in general, people knew that he had been captured in the early days of the War, he had never really talked about the atrocities that he had seen. In his travels since ending the War, he would mention various battles in which he had been active. While the devastation was terrible, he knew it wasn’t as bad as the horrors that awaited the universe, if the Daleks won. That was ultimately why he fought: to prevent that from happening.

Missy’s current condition was a result of those horrors. But seeing her raised all the images in the Doctor’s mind that he had fought so very hard to forget. He had to back out of her room as bile again rose in his throat. He leaned against the wall and forced himself to breathe calmly. Once his pulse rate lowered, he was able to control the urge to vomit. Then he entered her room.

He studied her for a long moment. She seemed to be resting peacefully, at least as much as one could in her condition. He bent near her ear so she could hear him without straining. “I have to go away for a while. I know what’s been done to you. Rumours of a cure exist, but it might take me a bit to find them again.”

He looked over her to see if there was any hint that she had heard him. The only thing he noticed was a slight change to her hearts rate as indicated by the monitor. He nodded to her. It was enough of an acknowledgement. “I will be back, Missy. Give me about a month.”

He slowly stood. He looked over her body again and saw one small patch on her inner elbow that didn’t look damaged. He touched there briefly and sent healing thoughts towards her for a moment. Then he stopped touching her, looked over the monitors to ensure the readings indicated she was as comfortable as possible, and slowly exited the room. He had so much work to do; he hoped that a month would be enough time to complete it.

He entered the TARDIS, approached the console, and set it to return to Darillium. His mood was sullen. Oddly, not because of River. He was feeling fairly hopeful about her. But Missy was another matter entirely. Once they were back, he set the handbrake and exited the TARDIS without saying anything to River. She followed behind him, making sure the TARDIS was secure before she made her way into the house.

The Doctor first went to his lab and deposited the datapad on the desk. Eventually, he would need access to information that only the TARDIS had, but for now, this was the safest place for the datapad. Close enough so he could get to it quickly if he had an idea, but far enough away because he just needed space from the implications. Then he went to the ‘Fort’. He needed a place with little stimulus and the Fort was the best place for that.

River found him in there about ten minutes later. She lingered closer to the door than to the bed. “Sweetie?”

It was a request for entrance and nothing more. The Doctor looked over at her, offered a small smile, and held his hand out to her in quiet invitation. River took the hand and climbed onto the bed. After a few moments of adjusting around each other, they were comfortably entwined.

Neither spoke for several minutes. When River’s voice broke the silence, she tried to keep it quiet enough to not feel too jarring to the Doctor. “You said you could sense the change that night. How come you can when I can’t?”

“A lot of reasons. Mostly because I’m more practiced at sensing subtle changes in others. Our bond helps a great deal with that as well.”

“Why that night? Why not sooner?”

He shrugged the shoulder that River wasn’t curled against. “Our bond continues to grow and deepen as intimacy does. But probably because that was the first time there were enough cells, or that they were big enough for me to sense them.”

River smirked. “So what else can you tell me about me.”

The Doctor chuckled softly. “The last time a girl asked me that, she _really_ didn’t like the answer.”

River raised an eyebrow at him. He sighed. “Let’s just say that if I wanted to, I probably know more about your physical processes than you do.”

River nodded once. “Which is why you knew you had time before you told me.”

He took her hand in his and raised her knuckles to his lips. “We still have plenty of time. A month isn’t all that long and Sister Clastira said nothing had spread yet – which the TARDIS had already told me.”

River hummed. “Then what are you worried about? Was it the thing Clastira asked you to help?”

The Doctor tensed and River knew she was right. She gently ran her fingertips along his forehead and stroked his cheek to calm him. “Are you tensing because you can’t tell me or because of what she asked you to do?”

“She asked me to look at a patient. The person had some very specific injuries and I’m worried about what that means.”

“Anything I can do?”

The Doctor shook his head. “I… just need to rest, I think. My head is too full of… stuff.”

River smirked at that. “Are you saying you want to sleep?”

The Doctor shook his head. River furrowed her brows. “Then what?”

“I need to stop thinking for a bit.”

River chuckled softly. “You are capable of a great many things, but I don’t think that is one of them.”

The Doctor pulled her closer to him and snuggled into her. “With you, I can do anything.”

The pair went quiet again for some minutes. Eventually, River started to extract herself from his embrace. “I’ll be right back.”

The Doctor allowed her to go. She returned a few moments later with a strange little contraption. She smiled and shrugged. She set it on a little table in the corner and then climbed back onto the bed with a remote. They again resettled into a comfortable position. River clicked the ‘play’ button on the remote and a few moments later the soothing sounds of the TARDIS started to fill the room.

The Doctor smirked. “Not quite the same as having her in my head when I’m on-board.”

River smiled. “True, but my connection to her isn’t as strong as yours and when I was finally released from Stormcage, it was helpful to have.”

The Doctor nuzzled River’s neck. “Thank you for sharing it with me.”

River went quiet again and grinned as she could feel the Doctor relax. Whatever had happened when he had encountered that patient had spooked him and he was a fool if he thought she couldn’t sense it. But, she could also tell that it raised something buried deep. She knew enough about those kinds of wounds to not poke them too hard or too soon. For now, this is what the Doctor needed, so she would give it to him.

The Doctor hadn’t realised he had fallen asleep. When he woke a few hours later, he wasn’t sure if it had been a few hours or days. He looked around the Fort, somewhat confused. He wasn’t sure what had awakened him. Then, the smell of something cooking caught his attention. It compelled him to get out of bed and go to the kitchen. There was his wife, cooking some meal, oblivious to his presence, so he leant against the doorjamb and watched her.

He loved watching her. He could do it for hours. “Are you going to stand there like a fish all evening?”

River’s words gently cut across his thoughts. He closed his mouth, moved to stand next to her, and placed a small kiss to her cheek. “Not as much fun when you know I’m here.”

River hummed appreciatively, but shooed him away so she could finish cooking the meal. While she was busy with that, the Doctor poured two glasses of wine and made sure they had the cutlery they would need. It was a fairly simple meal: some kind of local fish with veggies and a grain similar to rice. River plated up a dish for each of them and brought them to the table. Once both were seated, they started to eat in silence.

River had been thinking while the Doctor had slept. She had questions, questions that the Doctor unwittingly had raised. Given all they had been through recently, she understood what had happened, but clearly more was going on than she thought. She decided to approach it head-on, but without completely revealing why she knew the information she had. “Sweetie, who is Gorma?”

The Doctor’s fork slipped from his fingers and clattered to the plate. He slowly raised his eyes to meet hers. The haunted look that River saw there sent a chill through her. “Where did you hear that name?”

River swallowed hard. “You said it… when you were sleeping.” More accurately, he had shouted it and later moaned it as if in grief, but she was going to allow him some of his privacy where this was concerned. “You sounded worried about them.”

“Her.”

River nodded. “Her. You were clearly worried, but I’ve never heard the name before.”

The Doctor collected himself, picked up his fork, and started to eat again. “She died. It was in the days of the Time War when I was still trying to stay as far away from it as I could.”

River extended a hand across the table in an attempt to give his a comforting pat. He moved his hand before she could. She steadied her breathing in the face of the rejection. “By the way you said her name, it sounded more… involved… than that.”

“She wasn’t my wife, if that’s what you’re trying to say.”

The sharp edge to his tone should have told River to stop her query, but she pressed on. “Doctor, what happened?”

“Can we finish eating first?”

River nodded. It was a bit of a concession; she figured he would hope she’d let it drop. He should know her better than that. When he had finished he cleared his place and washed the dishes he had used. He paused at the door, before leaving the kitchen. “Thank you for cooking.”

River released a tension she hadn’t realised she had been holding. The Doctor wasn’t angry with her and he did what he could to let her know that. Maybe he would tell her the story. That would be good, because whatever it was clearly haunted him.

About ten minutes later River came out of the kitchen to find the Doctor sitting on the couch. His elbows were rested on his knees, his head was bent, his hands were covering the back of his head, and she noticed his white knuckles as he clutched tuffs of hair. She sat down on the couch near him, but didn’t touch him. She knew he would speak when he was ready.

“I was involved in the early days of the Time War. Didn’t really want to be, but given the structure of Time Lord society, I didn’t have a lot of choice. There was a group of ten of us, sent in pairs to Skaro for a reconnaissance mission. I was paired with Gormasumus.”

“Were you supposed to keep her in check or was she to keep you in check?”

The Doctor smiled sadly. “A little of both. She was young and inexperienced. She was on her third body, but had never been away from Gallifrey. Still, her skills at slipping into places without being seen were something to be marvelled. She also was one of those Time Lords who thought the President and High Council could do no wrong. To be fair, Romana was still president.  She had come to me personally and asked that I participate. I never could refuse Romana.”

River dared to rest a hand on the Doctor’s back. When he didn’t tense or try to shake it free, she left it there. The Doctor took a breath and continued. “I shouldn’t have gone on the mission at all. The Daleks hated me, so if they knew I was on their planet, I and anyone with me, would be a prime target.”

River pressed her lips together tightly for a moment. “You were captured.”

He nodded. “We were taken to a prisoner of war camp. We were there for weeks. Surprisingly, the Daleks didn’t seem to know who I was, or at least that’s what I had assumed since they didn’t treat me differently from the other prisoners. What no one knew was that the Daleks had discovered a way to supress the Time Lord ability to regenerate.”

River gasped at that, but didn’t stop to ask questions and so he continued. “I found out later that they _had_ been treating me different. The Daleks had found a way to introduce the suppressant through our food. They didn’t give me any….”

“They tortured you more harshly than the rest.”

River stated it as fact, as if she had been there herself. The Doctor huffed in reply. It was a sound of derision. “Oh no, they were going to torture me in an entirely different way. I was to watch as the other Time Lords were tortured. Each day, I was strapped to a chair, and then they would parade various Time Lords through and torture them in different ways. For some reason, I was allowed to be in the same cell as Gorma, so at night, especially after sessions during which she was tortured, I was able to see the effects it had on her. After one particularly violent day, I noticed that she wasn’t healing. Up to that point in time, she healed slowly, but now, she was not healing at all. She died in my arms that night.”

River wanted to pull him into a hug, but she wasn’t sure if he would be open to that, so instead, she rubbed her hand up and down his back.

“That was how the Daleks decided to torture me: watch as everyone else was tortured and died and nothing I could do to save them. I was a bit idealistic that go. Some accused me of being naïve, but really, I just saw the hope and goodness in everyone. It was added torture, I suppose, and the Daleks knew it.”

River swallowed thickly. “I’m sorry. How did you escape?”

He shrugged a shoulder. “I didn’t. They let me go with the instruction to take the information back to the Time Lords.”

River leant her head against his shoulder. She had no words. After a few minutes of silence, she spoke again. “So, that patient you saw, the injuries reminded you of that?”

The Doctor huffed and leaned into River, debating of how to distract her from this, since he didn’t want to go into more details. “You are too smart for your own good.”

She smiled into his hair. “Archaeologist. I know how to connect things.”

He huffed a small chuckle. “And how is that different from what I said?”

“It’s not, simply explaining why it’s true.”

He couldn’t help but smile at that. She was right. “It was after that that I ran from the Time War. Well, not really. There was no escaping it, but I tried to help those I could.”

River hummed. “All those who were caught in the middle. I wouldn’t expect any less.”

He nodded and both lapsed into comfortable silence. A few minutes later, the Doctor’s tired whisper just barely broke it. “Thank you.”

“What for?”

“Letting me tell you. I…”

She gently ran her fingers through his hair. “You’ve never told anyone before.”

He slowly nodded his head once.

She hummed quietly. “And even this isn’t everything… I won’t ask for more details. I have a pretty good imagination.”

“I wish you didn’t.”

“Doesn’t matter what we wish. We just have to deal with what we have.”

He nodded again. “I’ll save you from your illness, somehow. But, I need to help this person too…”

She dropped a kiss to the top of his head. “I know. It’s one of the things I love best about you.”

Two and a half weeks had passed and the Doctor was getting decidedly more anxious the more research he conducted. River had tried to calm him down in various ways, even using sex on occasion. Well, even if that didn’t work to calm him down exactly, it certainly worked as a distraction.

It was as they were lying quietly in post-coital bliss that River realised she needed to confront him about it. “Sweetie?”

He hummed rather than even mumble in reply. She smiled at that and gently ran her fingernails along his scalp. “You feel like you need to stay with me until we go back to hospital. But, I know you’ve been working on your research for that patient. You’re ready to see them again.”

He cracked one eye open and looked at his wife. “We can’t cheat, River. It could skew the results of your tests.”

She smiled. “My beautiful idiot, who said anything about cheating, or even of my going with you?”

He pushed himself up slightly on an arm to look at her properly. “River, I’m not leaving you behind.”

They had such a short amount of time together as it was, he didn’t want to make it shorter.

River chuckled softly. “Let me put it this way: Please go, you’re driving me crazy.”

He moved to lie on her shoulder as he chuckled softly. “Can’t handle too much of a good thing, eh?”

River chuckled in reply and kissed the corner of his forehead. “Something like that. Please, for both of our sakes, go.”

He hummed and snuggled closer to her. “Just a few more minutes like this.”

Later that day, the Doctor returned to the Sisters of the Infinite Schism. So far, he had been able to prevent himself from revealing the identity of the patient, even to River. But River was right, he had reached a point where he couldn’t research further without knowing more information from Missy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to wait to post this chapter, but since it pretty much wrote itself, I'm posting it now.
> 
> I started posting this story just over six months ago with massive hesitation, but the hit counter now tells me it has surpassed my most popular story ( _I Am Not An Addict_ \- BBC Sherlock fandom) which was posted over three years ago. I'm humbled by this fact and I thank each person who has read, commented, or offered kudos on this story.


	21. Chapter 21

The time away had helped the Doctor to adjust to all the memories that were being dragged to the surface. He really had no reason to complain, Missy had suffered worse at the hands of the Daleks. It’s just that this time, it was his fault. He had left her there. Abandoned her.

He first checked with the nurses’ station, again informed them that he might turn the monitors off, entered her room, closed the door behind him, and slowly moved to the chair near her bed. She was awake this time and she followed him with her eyes. He swallowed thickly as he sat down. He decided it might be best to offer her one small comfort. “Mistress.”

The Doctor noted a small shift to what muscles remained of her face. He hoped it was a smile. Missy then licked her lips several times with her tongue. It reminded the Doctor of how babies would do similar when they were thirsty or hungry. He looked around and saw a mug with a straw. He held it to Missy’s lips and she drank a few sips. Then she relaxed back to the pillow. He set the mug back on the table.

Missy stared at him for a long time. Finally she spoke. “Not a month.”

Her voice was gravelly. But, it was her voice, not mechanical or anything of a mental connection, and his hearts raced with a joy that he didn’t think was possible to experience towards her. But then, why shouldn’t he be glad? They were the best of friends long before they were enemies. Even though she was speaking with very few words, he knew what she was saying. He shook his head. “You’re right, it hasn’t.”

“Solution?”

He pulled a hand down his face. “Just more questions.”

“Why here?”

“Because I need to know what was done to you and the only way to know for sure is to hear it from you.”

Missy’s eyes went wide at his statement. Not that the charred skin would allow him to tell if she paled or not, but he could assume she would have if she could. Her tone was sharp. “No.”

“Missy, please. I’ve been over this again and again. It’s the only way.”

Her voice was soft, almost remorseful. “Muddied.”

“I know. I promise to ignore anything that doesn’t relate specifically to trying to find a cure.”

Missy stared at him for a long time. It was the best he could offer. His own emotions were conflicted over the events of the Time War. Missy had told him back when she looked like Harold Saxon that he had seen what happened when the Dalek Emperor took control of the _Cruciform_. He knew that when the Master looked like Nyssa’s deceased father, the Daleks had captured him, sentenced him, and carried out ‘maximum extermination.’ Missy’s experiences with the Daleks were as bad as his own. But, there might be information she had that could lead to the cure and there was only one way of gaining access to it. They both knew that.

The Doctor was at risk too. Missy was clearly feeling better today than when he had been here last time. If she was strong enough, she could ravage his mind. Doing this was a calculated risk for both of them. He remembered the conversation they had in that abandoned warehouse on that terrible Christmas so long ago, now… The way the Master had shared the drums with him... They could get there again.

“Yes.”

The hoarse word cut across the Doctor’s memories and brought him back to the present. He stuttered. “Y-yes?”

“Do it.”

The Doctor was shocked. He really hadn’t expected it to be that easy. To give himself time and space, he stood, turned off the monitors, and returned to his seat. Missy watched him as he did this. She considered him. “Trust me?”

The Doctor huffed slightly. “Never. But you’re my oldest friend. We both know better than to trust each other.”

He managed a small smile while he said that. Again the muscles around Missy’s face shifted around, the Doctor thought she was smiling too.

“Using the contact points will create a stronger connection. But, it might hurt you…”

“Do it.”

He nodded. “Okay. Okay. Slowly, then.”

As gently as he could, he reached out and put his fingertips on Missy’s contact points. She more slowly mirrored him, but instead she tried to grip his head. He didn’t know if that was intentional to cause him pain, or if it was the only way she could raise her arms to that level. Each of them closed their eyes and after another moment, the Doctor muttered, “Contact.”

For a moment there was nothing but a torrent of mental activity that surrounded them. It was like a tidal wave and a hurricane were battling for dominance. The Doctor knew this wasn’t the right approach, so he forced himself to be calm and reminded himself of Missy’s injuries. Once he calmed down, the torrent that surrounded them also calmed. The sea and sky returned to some sense of a peaceful coexistence.

The Doctor waited to see if Missy would take the lead. When she didn’t, he quietly spoke into the calm. “How long did the regeneration energy I gave to them last?”

“It was difficult to tell, but I think it started to taper off after about three or so months.”

He felt her come up to stand next to him. They looked out across the barren landscape of Skaro towards the Dalek city. “How long was it for you? I mean until you made it to hospital.”

She huffed. “You mean how long was it from the time you abandoned me until I got myself out?”

The Doctor swallowed thickly and nodded his head. “Yes.”

He felt her trying to poke around his memories. “Oh, Doctor, is this remorse I sense?” She paused. “No, there’s something more…”

“Stop it. There’s nothing there.”

Missy laughed. “Now, now. There _is_ something there, but it’s blocked. I can see them all over the place. What did you do to yourself?”

“Neural Block.”

Missy gasped slightly. “Why?”

The Doctor shrugged and she pressed. “Doctor, why?”

“Because, while I’m sure you did _something_ that would make me want to leave you there, I…”

Missy gasped in a theatrical manner. “You _do_ care! I knew it.”

The Doctor frowned as he turned to look at her. “Of course I care.” He hung his head. “Either Clara or I had to go. We were too similar. She had used the sonic on the neural block and there was no way to know for sure if she had been able to reverse it from Human to Time Lord.”

Missy dared to rest a hand on his shoulder. “So, you don’t remember why you left me there.”

He shook his head. “Obviously had something to do with Clara.”

Missy used her singsong voice.  “Clearly. Do you want to know? I could tell you. In fact, I bet I could fill in quite a few of those blocks.”

“Missy. Don’t.”

She stopped poking at the gaps. “You’re such a party-pooper.”

The Doctor resisted the urge to return the favour of picking at her memories. But, she had only poked the holes. She hadn’t actually tried to do anything with them. It was like she was testing to see if her finger fit in them rather than trying to make them bigger or see where they led. He calmed himself again. He was here for a reason and this path wouldn’t help either of them. “Missy, do you know what they did to you?”

“Do I know that they suspended my ability to regenerate and then tortured me? It’s hard not to know that.”

“Do you know how they did it to you?”

She frowned at that. The space around them became clouded with heavy grey, almost black, clouds. “You do. I can feel it.”

“Early days of the Time War. Before I tried to run from it. Before the Sisterhood made me into the man I never wanted to be. I was with a convoy to Skaro. We were captured. It was the first time I saw what they had the ability to do.”

“Suspend our ability to heal and regenerate and then torture us without killing us.”

The Doctor nodded once.

Missy hummed. “You spoke of rumours of a cure.”

“It’s dangerous. And might not work. I don’t know that they ever actually tested it. And with just me, it might kill both of us.”

He felt her poke at one of his memories of his recent trip to Gallifrey. “But it’s not just you, is it?”

“I can’t go back…”

He gave her just a glimpse of what had happened. How he ended up there. Why he didn’t want to go back.

She smiled. “And you wouldn’t want to lose any more time with your pet wife, would you?”

“There’s nothing ‘pet’ about her.”

Missy scoffed. “And you call _me_ delusional. Look, I’m not saying you have to stay. Just drop me off, don’t tell them who I am, let them cure me and all will be well.”

Now it was the Doctor’s turn to scoff. “As if that would work. They would ravage your mind and know it was you and probably let you linger to death.”

“So no different than what’s happening now.”

“I’m _trying_ , Missy!”

“I suppose you did come back early.”

The landscape around them shimmered and shifted. They were suddenly standing in red grass fields at the foot of Mount Perdition. It recalled happier times when they were both young boys; before the fighting and before the War.

The Doctor swallowed at the change. “Gallifrey hasn’t healed.”

“I know. I did go back into the War, you know.”

“I remember.” He paused for a moment, taking the images in. “River is ill. In less than two weeks we need to come back here for the results of some tests. I can’t take you to Gallifrey before then.”

Missy was shocked; she hadn’t expected him to agree. “But you will?”

“I’ll think about it. Besides, if the rumours are true and there is a cure, the information will be on Gallifrey.” He paused again for a few moments. When his voice broke the silence, he kept it soft. “How long was it for you?”

“Time… became difficult to sense. I don’t know if that was a result of the drug they gave to me or because of the torture, or because I didn’t want to know…”

“ _Missy_. How. Long?”

“About three years. Might have been one. Might have been five. But not nearly as long as it has been for you.”

The Doctor frowned again and forced the image before them to change to an aerial view of the Castle that was inside his Confession Dial. “No. It was billions of years. Four-and-a-half billion, if Ohila is right.”

“And you were suck in that castle.” Something about Missy had shifted. The Doctor could sense – compassion of a sort. “Why do you still look like you? I mean, they granted you another set of regenerations. It’s not like they stopped your ability to age.”

The Doctor actually chuckled grimly at that. “It was a closed energy loop. One of the rooms had a teleporter. When I would activate it, a new me would reappear.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Oh, please say that again. It’s rare that I know something you don’t.”

Rather than explaining it, the Doctor decided to show her. The castle came towards them, they passed through the walls like ghosts and they were stood in the teleport room. Before them was a bloodied, battered, and burned Doctor, with electrode leads attached to his head. He activated the teleport, killing himself, but allowed the new version of him to appear in the teleporter.

Missy was horrified. Frankly, it was worse than what she had done in all the different times she cheated death and the regeneration cycles. She couldn’t look at it any longer. Everything around them faded into a grey mist. She needed a moment to collect herself. The Doctor thought she would ask about the pain and suffering, how he came to look so damaged, why he would be willing to kill himself. Basically he expected her to take delight in his torture. She did none of that. Instead, she looped her arm through his and leaned her head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

He could tell that she was being sincere. He covered one of her hands with his. “Thank you.” He paused and offered her a small smile. “I still don’t trust you.”

He could feel her nudge against one of his mental barriers, but she smiled in return. “I can tell.”

The mist started to fade away and they were again in the red fields of Gallifrey. Missy’s voice was soft. “Do you think we can ever go back? Be like that again?”

The Doctor smirked. “This question from the Time Lady who more than anyone else, ridiculed me for my sense of hope?”

She shrugged, but said nothing. He smiled down at her again. “There’s always hope.”

“But not for yourself. You have hope for everyone else, but you can’t dare to hope things will ever be different for you.”

He sighed. She was right, of course. “I think River is helping with that.”

Missy scoffed quietly. The Doctor frowned. “What?”

“Do you ever think about those you left behind originally?”

“They’re all dead. Except for you.”

“See! That’s what I’m talking about! Hope for everyone but yourself. Don’t you think that if I survived that it’s, possible they might have?”

He shook his head. “Rani died in my arms when we were at Skull Moon. As far as I know, my family’s home was raided sometime before I had returned. Everyone was killed.” He huffed slightly. “Even Romana sacrificed herself in the end, in order for me to escape with _The Moment_.”

“Your family, Doctor… You weren’t there… It’s possible…”

He broke from her hold and walked a few paces away from her. “Stop it!” He covered his face with one hand and tried to wipe the visions that were coming to the surface away. “Don’t you understand? If I for one second believed they were alive, I wouldn’t have been able to do what I did!”

“You went back and saved it, though. Why?”

He remained quiet for a long time. There were many people he could lie to, Missy wasn’t one of them, no matter how much he wanted to. “Selfishness.”

Missy raised her eyebrow and approached him. “Couldn’t deal with all that guilt. Couldn’t bare the thought of being the one who caused the death of tens of billions of people, not to mention planets.”

He looked across the fields before him. “Something like that.”

“So you did the unimaginable and what everyone said was impossible. Is this your penance, then? For going back on your own timeline.”

He shook his head. “No. That was being trapped in the castle I showed you. Killing myself _hundreds_ of billions of times. Just so I could get escape.”

Missy gasped at the Doctor’s revelation of how many times he had gone through whatever he had gone through that led to his death in the castle. “It wasn’t so bad… at first. The torture, I mean. Not until my ability to heal started to fail me. And then I knew what they were doing.”

“How did you escape?”

“They do like their bits and bobs and things they call useless scraps. They had found one of the vortex manipulators. I… found ways to repair it. Too late, unfortunately.”

“No.”

She raised an eyebrow and came to stand next to him. “No?”

“No.” He stated it with absolute conviction. “You’re alive. There is a possibility that we can heal you. It’s not too late for you!”

She smiled at that. “So does this mean I have my friend back?”

“I still don’t trust you.”

“You’ve never trusted me.”

“I would like it… If we could find a way to….” He tapered off and nodded to the scene in front of them. There were no boys playing in the fields, but both Missy and he knew what he was talking about.

After a few minutes of silence, the Doctor disengaged the mental contact with Missy. He looked down at her charred body. “I need to go. But, I’ll keep looking for a quicker way, I promise.”

Missy only blinked to show she heard. He gently rested a hand on her head and then he leaned down and kissed her forehead. While he did that, he thought the word ‘sleep’ to her. It was an old school trick, easy enough to defeat if she wanted to. He felt it as she slipped into sleep. He then turned all the monitors back on. When he checked in with the nurse, he informed her that Missy would rest comfortably for several hours, but they should be prepared for her to not be in the best of moods. They nodded their understanding. The Doctor knew the memories that the encounter had dragged up for him, he could only imagine what it would do to her.

With everything as settled as it could be, the Doctor returned to the TARDIS so that he could return to Darillium.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would apologise for a long delay, but have an ubber long chapter instead...

When the Doctor returned to Darillium, River greeted him with a warm hug. He was more tense than usual and she frowned at his reaction. The Doctor pulled back far enough so that he could properly look at her in the face. He framed it with his hands, allowing his fingers to tease the edges of her hairline. He just stared at her. He knew how River would die. How he saved her. But seeing Missy as she was, well, it made him worry for how he had left River in the Library.

He was brought from his reverie when he felt River’s warm lips press against his. Something snapped in him. He couldn’t describe it. Maybe it was his deep-seated fear of facing her loss yet again. He didn’t know. He responded in kind. But her body was too far away and so he pulled her closer to him. Even that was not close enough. He heard her gasp in pleasant surprise. “Sweetie!”

He paused long enough and put enough space between them so that he could start removing the barriers between them. Once River realised what was about to happen and that for the first time, at least in this body, the Doctor was not only taking the lead, but also taking command, she grew eager and started to help him. He gently took her hands into his, kissed her knuckles, and then lowered them to her sides. “Please, I need to do this.”

River smiled at him and nodded her head. “Okay.”

He led her towards the Fort and slowly undressed her as he went along. It took awhile to get there, since he would have to worship each bit of skin he revealed as he went along. By the time they got to the Fort, River was only in her bra and knickers.

The Doctor laid her out on the bed, and then took a few moments to shuck off all of his clothes before he returned to the bed and started to again give homage to River’s body using his lips. He slowly removed the last of her clothing and again they were naked together in bed. He hadn’t been planning or thinking, he was just doing. He paused for a moment when the fear that River didn’t actually want this right now caught up to him.

River smiled softly. It amazed her that this man, who had survived billions of years of knowing only death and being hunted, would find a moment to think of her. And more, to question if she would want whatever he had to offer her. Of course she would accept it. She could never properly deny him.

When they finally made love, it was slow and gentle. More caresses and quiet conversation than… well what had become almost habitual for them recently. Eventually, they fell asleep, wrapped in each other’s arms.

* * *

 

_He was aware that he was no longer himself. He was someone… no… some thing else. He had his consciousness, but also that of another entity. His wife stood before him, dressed in her white space suit that she had worn on this mission to the Library. The entity that the Doctor was now reached out towards River. As it did so, the shadows around him elongated towards her. His hands reached up and wrapped around her throat as the other entity swarmed around her and turned her to nothing more than bones._

* * *

The Doctor had woken River up long before he'd woken himself up. His movement and murmurings of a terrible dream had stirred her from her own peaceful slumber and she could only watch and wait, pained, until he was able to rouse himself. She knew his nightmares well enough by now to know not to shake him awake – that never ended well – but as soon as he was conscious, her hand came out to cover his, a silent gesture to prove to him that she was there and that he was safe.

As their recent sexual encounter had proved, he had gotten better about accepting touch in recent months. But every so often, touch was the last thing he wanted. Right now, given the nightmare that had woken him, touch made everything seem a little too real. He gasped loudly and snatched his hand away and held it close to his chest. The sudden pull of his hand away from her pained River. It shouldn’t have affected her so deeply. She knew the Doctor’s nightmares – or at least as much as he would tell her. She had been able to piece together quite a lot of them simply because she had been there to experience the aftermath. But this one was clearly different. It seemed to have shaken him to his very core.

He looked around the room, but didn't see it – he only saw that hated Library. He held his hand up and relaxed slightly when it didn't look like a mass of bones. He untangled himself from the sheets and got out of bed. He didn't even register that River was there, or that she was awake. Instead, he made his way out of the Fort and into their bedroom. She watched him as he left the Fort, concern and sadness was etched into her face as he disappeared into the hall.

Her instinct was to follow after him, always to comfort him, but she didn't want to overwhelm him if he needed to be alone. The Doctor entered the bathroom and got into the shower with the water as hot as he could stand it. It was the only way he could allow himself to release the panic and fear of what he had seen in his nightmare. He sank to the bottom of the cube and did something he rarely, if ever, did in this body. He wept.

As much as River wanted to help, she realised it was better if she settled back down to sleep, but given the location of the Fort, she heard the water in the shower of their en suite go on. She held her breath a moment and listened intently. She caught the soft sounds of crying over the running of the shower and she knew she couldn't leave him be. Even if he sent her away, she had to try to comfort him.

She got up and quietly made her way to the bathroom door. She only hesitated a moment because with the Doctor, it was always best to let him think he had a choice, even if she wasn’t about to give him one. She settled for knocking lightly on the door and softly questioned. "Doctor?"

He debated sending her away immediately. A part of him wanted to... The other part wanted to curl around her and protect her from everything forever. Especially from the terrible things he had just seen. Instead, he replied weakly. "I'm all right."

As Donna had said, that was 'Time Lord' for 'not really all right at all'. His voice was soft and broken with the sobs he tried to conceal. But, it wasn't said in a manner that was 'go away' either.

River rested her forehead gently against the door. She closed her eyes against the sound of the soft, unsteady tone. She didn't need to be his wife to know how shaken he was, but it meant she knew the significance of it. She lifted her head from the door and softly sighed before she spoke again. This time, her voice was low and warm and offered as much comfort as she could. "I'm coming in."

It was part announcement; part warning, so he would have one more chance to refuse her. She didn’t barge in. She slowly and purposefully turned the doorknob to give him enough time to change his mind about her presence. It gave him enough time to reach up and turn off the taps. The towels were out of reach on the rack away from the shower and he didn’t really feel like moving.

When River stepped inside the room, her eyes landed on her husband sat in the bottom of the cube. Her heart broke again. She swallowed that emotion down. He hadn’t refused her, which meant he wanted her here and she would do what she could to comfort him. When she was close enough that he didn’t have to speak loudly, he explained the dream by not explaining it at all. "Don't ask, because I can't tell you."

It contained too much of her future. She shook her head gently. "I'm not asking."

He nodded once in reply. He might be able to explain using generalities later. Not now. All of his emotions were too raw right now.

River couldn’t help wondering what had disturbed him like this. For a dream to drive him to tears must have been a hellish one. She didn’t need to debate what to do next. She grabbed a large soft towel and brought it over to the shower. In silence, she opened the glass door of the cube and gently wrapped the towel around the Doctor’s shoulders. Then she sat down in the small space next to him. The remaining water in the tray started to soak through her nightdress, but she didn’t seem to notice. She rubbed soothingly at his back and arms with the towel, to at least stop him from being dripping wet and causing a shiver.

He shuddered as she rubbed at his back and shoulders, but it wasn’t because of the cold. It was the touch. He thought he would be used to it now. He would even welcome it in such times, but still… his body would react this way occasionally and he had no choice. Still, he didn’t shrug her away or flee, so that was an improvement.

At one point, he reached up and covered one of her hands with his. He didn’t squeeze it. This was just to give her some indication that he was not entirely lost in his mind. She didn’t entirely understand his intent and so her hand stilled under his. She sat quietly beside him, just holding him, trying to make him feel safe as they nestled in the tiny space. She hoped it made the dream seem a little farther away, even if only for a moment.

He swallowed thickly when he realised where River was sitting. "You'll be as wet as me in a minute."

She breathed a faint sort of chuckle at his observation. "It's not the first time I've been wet." Only by the strength of her respect for him, did she manage to rid of her voice of any suggestion. "It's fine," she added, to ease his concern.

He hummed quietly in reply. He didn’t quite believe her; he just lacked any ability to argue right now. "Could you...? Dry my hair too? Please."

The Doctor was using manners; he had to be feeling very rotten, indeed. River was more than happy to towel his hair and she offered a small smile as she pulled the towel higher and gently rubbed it dry. She didn’t do it as vigorous as he usually did after taking a shower, because while she wanted him warm and dry, she also wanted him to feel cared for and to sooth the remnants of the nightmare away.

She was careful and diligent in her task, she treated it like it was the most important thing he had ever asked her to do. When she was satisfied, she wrapped the towel fully around him again. "There we are."

The faintest movement of his lips toward what might have been at one-time a smile happened. Now that he knew he wouldn't get her more wet than necessary, he could lean against her properly. "Thank you."

She could tell that there was still a slight tremor that ran through his body. But he seemed oblivious to this fact. With her arm still around him, she added a soothing rub every now and then, to try and calm him further. She turned her head to press a small kiss to the corner of his forehead. She was willing to sit with him as long as he needed, but she knew he'd be warmer and more comfortable if they were to go back to bed. As she felt another tremble rattle his body, she decided to wait on that suggestion.

"Did I ever tell you about that time I ran into those smugglers on Palacios 3," she asked idly, it was an attempt at a distraction.

Normally, he loved to hear her stories. But right now, it would only serve to remind him that in just over twenty-two years, he would be sending her to her death. He shook his head and he softly spoke her name. "River."

It was more of a plead to stop than a demand to 'don't.' He knew it wouldn’t help him because River always seemed to find herself in peril in her stories and that wasn’t something he wanted to think about right now. She stopped when he spoke her name. She knew what it meant. Still she felt at a loss for what to do for him.

The slight shivers were still going through him, but they were noticeably fewer than before. He closed his eyes for a moment and when he opened them, he was looking at their feet, then noticed River's nightgown, and realised it must be soaked through by now. "You should change; can't be comfortable like that."

"I've survived worse."

She spoke off-handedly. Being sat in wet clothes was the least of her concerns. "Do you want to move?"

Right now, the only way she would leave his side would be if he asked. There was a very slight nod of his head. It took another moment, but he forced his voice to work. "I'll get cold too, if we stay here much longer."

But he didn’t want to return to bed. He didn’t want to sleep. He made a gesture towards a wall, but he was really pointing to the sitting room. "I'm going to sit near the fire for a bit."

"Okay," she replied gently, agreeing with him. With some careful manoeuvring, she was able to stand and get out of the shower to give him room. In the cool of the room, the dripping wet nightdress was all the more apparent and she grabbed their robes off the hooks on the door. "Go and warm up."

She held one robe out for him. He nodded and slowly made his way out of the shower. He took the robe and put it on. Then he left the bathroom.

Once in their bedroom, he finishes towelling dry and then put on his nightclothes. He made his way to the sitting room and noticed all of River’s clothes everywhere. He picked them up and then went to the Fort to collect the clothes from in there as well. He quickly placed the pile in the laundry hamper. When he returned to the sitting room, he turned on the fireplace. He then decided the couch was just too far from the fire, so he pushed the coffee table out of the way and moved the couch forward. Finally, he stretched out on the couch in such a way that there would be room for River, but it would be a bit of a snug fit.

River, having dried and changed into a different gown, followed after him a short while later. She looked on from the bedroom doorjamb to see him laid out on the couch, warming by the fire. She smiled just briefly and called over to him very softly. “I was going to put the kettle on. Cup of tea?”

The Doctor couldn’t see River based on the position of the couch, but he was listening for her and so he wasn’t startled by her voice. His past self will tell her in her future that he always listens for her. Old habits die hard. "If you're doing it anyway, yes. But don't do it on my account."

He wasn’t actually thirsty, but he would drink something, if offered. Either way, he won: if she moved, he could see and watch her; if she stayed, he could have her near him.

River left to make the tea; she figured it would do both of them some good. It didn’t take long and a few minutes later, she brought two mugs over to the couch. While she was making tea, the Doctor sat up, so he could watch her, this left her plenty of room when she returned. He was sitting curled around his bent knees, his feet on the couch – no he didn’t care about silly rules like 'no feet on the furniture', he just had a shower, he was clean enough.

She handed his mug to him and then sat in the empty space. She tucked her knees in as she settled down as she held her own mug comfortingly between both hands. She took a sip and then heaved a sigh of content before she looked over him with a tender smile. The Doctor took a sip of tea before saying anything. "Thank you."

His voice was hoarse and he let the heat sink into his hands before he attempted another sip. He said he wouldn't, couldn't talk about his dream. However, as the silence lingered, he felt the need to fill it. "It was about you. Well, not. More about the creatures you will face when..." When he watched her die. He couldn’t bring himself to say that. "...I dreamt that I had become one of them... And I was the one... who..."

It wasn't even how she actually died. It was enough. A violent shiver ripped through him. It made him slosh the tea a bit, so he set the mug on the floor and wrapped his arms around his knees again. He was that scared and lonely little boy that he never wanted to show anyone. He had dreamed of being the one who killed her many times – stupid survivor's guilt. This dream, though, just hit all the nerves somehow.

His words hit River like a bullet and she was momentarily frozen in place. Slowly, she turned her head and stared at him. She was clever and it only took that moment for her to assemble all the pieces. She knew why he was having the nightmares. And more importantly, why he had promised her the twenty-four years on Darillium. He knew how she died. If his words were anything to go by, he probably witnessed it.

She didn’t know what to say. She was so used to reassuring him of anything that weighed on his mind. But her death? It sounded like a horrific one. She still couldn’t speak. She looked toward the fire, needing a moment to come to terms with what she had learnt. When she found her voice again, she glanced towards him with an uncertain smile that didn’t quite sit right. She was trying. "Spoilers," she reminded him, her voice faint.

At least she could take comfort in the fact that the cancer wouldn’t kill her. Or at least that she would have more adventures and get to see him again after these years on Darillium.

He rubbed his face, that action revealed more about his level of distress than his words ever could. His voice had a faint quiver as he spoke, but he tried to make it sound like he was being light-hearted about everything. "I haven't told you anything that would spoil anything."

He finally dared to look at her. "What did you think 'last night we spend together' would mean?"

That should've been enough for her to work it out, but she hadn’t wanted to understand the implications. So, she had ignored the two pieces of the puzzle that fitted so perfectly together, because who wanted to know their death was looming? But, this was confirmation.

The shock quickly wore off and she settled for grim acceptance. She was always going to die one day; she had just hoped it was going to be further down the line. Over two hundred and she still felt like it wasn’t long enough. "I thought maybe you were just being melodramatic. You usually are."

She answered with quiet flippancy. She tried to turn it into a joke. She focused on her mug, rather than him while she tried to stave off any emotion that was daring to creep to her eyes. She was not going to be sad about this, not when she has all these years left with him, years that would give her more time with him than their entire past put together.

River’s quiet demeanour and the way she stared into her mug was enough to move the Doctor into action. He contorted his body so he could wrap his arms around her. "Sorry."

He hadn't been exactly gentle about how he had said it. He had actually thought she had figured it out before. He thought that was why her diary made her sad. He swallowed hard. "Given the number of times I’ve died, River, it's hard to remember that others aren't used to facing it."

She realised somewhat belatedly that his arms were holding her this time. She blinked a moment, then lifted her tea clear of their embrace, and set it on the ground. She softened when he apologised. She didn’t need it, but she knew he would never believe that. She turned her head to his and let their temples touched. The quiet and familiar presence of her husband could sooth away anything terrible she would face. She had that right now.

The Doctor was grateful for her presence too, weak though it was through their bond. He would always be the stronger one when it came to this. Not that he minded. The pair remained quiet for sometime, just indulging in the comfort each offered to the other. Finally, he moved to stretch out again, but wrapped up as they were, he pulled her with him.

She laughed gently as she sank down with him, happy to be wrapped around him as close as they could be. It was a tight fit, but she wasn’t about to complain. For all the emotional upheaval of tonight – well since her diagnosis, if she were honest – she felt they needed this. She sighed softly, as she rested her head just below his chin. Her hand fanned out across his chest so she could feel his hearts beat. She softly teased. "Comfortable yet?"

He hummed quietly in reply. "Getting there."

He liked the weight of her on top of him. It gave physical presence to the promise of these twenty-four years they had made to each other. Besides if he was the one pinned down, then it was less likely his nightmare would ever come true. He went quiet and still. He was tired, but there was the rigidity to his frame that came from being awake.

River hummed her own reply, but said nothing more. She took comfort in their closeness. Usually his body was cool to her touch – almost cold. But the heat from the water and his tea still held their effect. She supposed that their close proximity helped to retain some of the heat. It was rare that they could be like this and she could feel him warm underneath her. She shifted her head until she was able to hear the gentle double thud of his heartbeats. She smiled to herself as she lightly stroked her fingertips across the softness of his shirt. Her eyes drifted to the fire as it continued to dance in the darkness.

"Do you remember that night on Calderon Beta?" she murmured after a moment of quiet. "You came on my first night in prison and took me to see all those stars. That was such a wonderful night."

The Doctor chuckled softly. "That was a mess. As if two of you weren’t enough, the third you showed up... with the second me."

He sighed. He looked down at her and just... stared into her eyes as she looked up at him. He loved her more than he could ever express. Though for tonight, he gave up on trying. The lump returned to his throat and he swallowed hard at it. "Wiggled my way out of Darillium that time."

Her expression softened at the mention of Darillium, now she understood more than ever why he had always tried to postpone it. Darillium meant their last night together, Darillium meant she was going to die. "And now we're here," she told him, voice warm, but somewhat firm.

It was an order for him to accept what she had accepted only a few moments before. It was done: his past and her future. They had these years together and they would cherish every last one of them. He continued to look at her when she looked up at him, meeting her eyes. He nodded in response to her order. "Now, we are here."

He leant down and she wasn’t quite in the right position to reach her lips, so he settled for kissing her forehead instead.

River closed her eyes as he kissed her forehead and smiled softly at the tender touch. When he began to pull away, she pushed herself up. She didn't let him get far before she surprised him with a proper kiss, one with a little more passion than she would normally thrust upon him. After their emotional evening: talk of death and how far they had come, she needed to demonstrate her love for him and that was the purest way she knew.

He didn’t pull away. Instead, he held her closer and returned the kiss just as passionately. When he thought of these expressions as something beyond how most humans did, it was somehow easier for him. She needed little encouragement in these matters. The moment she felt him respond to the kiss, she kept it going, bringing one hand up to hold his cheek. She poured all that she was into that kiss, as she often did. It was the one way she had been able to convey how she felt, especially when she hadn't been able to say the right words.

When the Doctor could tell that she was getting too close to possibly triggering her respiratory bypass, he brought the kiss to an end. While that had definitely been a fantastic way for them to 'practice' before, this wasn't about practice. She was breathless as they separated, but in the best possible way, and the smile on her face made for a welcome change after the tears of earlier.

His voice was soft with emotion when he spoke. "I love you."

It was stated as a fact. Like saying 'the sky is blue.' It was a simple truth and yet, so very complex. They had talked about this so often, so they didn't need to again, but it felt good for River to hear him say it in a way she could understand. Still, it managed to up-heave her emotions again because such simple words from a complicated man somehow carried more weight than when others said it.

"And I love you," she replied softly as she stroked her thumb at his cheek. "Always, and completely."

He smiled down at her and leant into her hand a little as she stroked his cheek. The lump in his throat returned again, but for an entirely different reason. "I... never thought I'd have this again."

Married Life. The Slow Path. All those 'little things' he lost when he fled Gallifrey at the beginning. So very long ago, now. Beyond that simple sentence, he didn’t know how to put anything else into words. He hoped River understood.

Of course River understood. She had fought her way to escape the Silence. She had patiently waited in Stormcage. And after so much time in prison, she wanted to never stay still again. Yet here she was, promising twenty-four years of her life in a single place. A life with him. "And I never thought I'd have this at all. But, here we are, proving us wrong.”

He didn’t know how to respond to that, so he reached up and tried to move a few stray curls back behind her ear. Of course, they sprung back into place a moment later. It made him smile though, because that was the perfect analogy of River: she only changed if she wanted to.

River offered a teasing smile. “I don't know if our egos can take it."

He tilted his head. "Oh? Then we'll have to find a way to keep them quiet."

He snaked his hand to the back of her head and pulled her in for another kiss. A warm laugh bubbled from her as she was pulled in, but the sound was lost to her throat when their lips met. She held his cheek to anchor them together, in case he might try to end the moment before she was ready. But she needn’t have worried, not right now. Not in this place. In Darillium, she had never experienced him gone without a word. She had never opened her eyes and realised it was just a dream. He was always near and she no longer feared him vanishing on her. That thought ignited her all over again, she pushed further against him until her entire body was on top of him. Her hands still clasped his cheeks and she continued to kiss him.

He responded in kind, because, why not? They had worked passed his 'touching' difficulties, for the most part. River was very aware when he might be sensitive to touch and either asked for permission, or simply didn’t bother trying to touch him. He could tell she was trying to get his bypass to trigger, but he also knew it probably wasn’t going to work.

He had always beaten her at this game; the entire length of their relationship and when she finds herself running out of air, she has to be the first one to break the kiss. She giggled softly as she gasped for breath. She teased as she often did when this happened. “At last, a man who can keep going longer than I can."

He grinned up at her. "Well, hopefully we'll get that to change eventually."

The memory of his dream wasn't gone, but it was well distracted now. Which was enough. River's smirk widened. " _You_..." she began while poking him on the chest while she made herself comfortable by sitting astride him, "…Just want me to be able to keep up with you."

"As I’ve said, it's not a hugely varied activity. So, I figured I'd keep it interesting."

"Oh, really?" she teased. "And how _interesting_ would you like to make it?"

"If I told you, then it wouldn't be interesting, would it?"

She grinned. He had come so far in their time on Darillium and for them to have any kind of intimacy at all was something River cherished. The little innuendoes and playfulness had always been her thing, but it was good to see him try. "Well then... don't tell me."

River with a knowing grin, she leant forward and rested her hands down each of his shoulders. The Doctor didn’t move. He decided to do nothing, just to see what she would do next. But he did smirk up at her. "Good of you to see things my way."

"Is that what I'm doing?"

The tone she used was the same one that would taunt him with, 'Spoilers!' It was a similar look in her eyes too, a gleam of mischief.

He was about to tell her exactly what she was doing when she closed in on him, proving him right. Her lips found his in a slow and meaningful kiss. The slow kissing was more his speed tonight, anyway. Not that he didn’t enjoy anything else; but it had been a long night and he was overly emotional. This was about the right speed. However, he did gently run his tongue along her lips to request permission.

She felt the light touch of his tongue and she exhaled a soft sound against his lips in response as she opened her mouth to kiss him fuller. It was doing nothing to simmer her mood and she kissed him deeply. She shifted her body until her arms could wrap around his shoulders. Her fingers made their way to his hair so she could run them through his curls.

Now that River was properly engaged and distracted, the Doctor attempted to shift them into a different position. The problem was: he had forgotten they were on a couch. Or more accurately, he had forgotten that the seat of the couch has only so much width. So when he tried to roll them, he turned so that River was pressed into the back of the couch and he ended up in an awkward position and quickly sliding towards the floor.

River started to realise he was becoming oddly lighter and her eyes fluttered open in time to realise he was on his way off the couch. On instinct alone, she jolted up. She planned to grab hold of him, but there was only so much she could do before she had lost her grip and she watched as he sank towards the floor – almost in slow motion.

She stared at him for a moment and he returned the stare from the floor. It was almost as if the event hadn’t quite caught up to them yet. Then they both burst into a fit of hilarious laughter at the same time. River collapsed back on the couch to try to catch her breath and the Doctor stayed where he was. He covered his face for a moment. Not quite embarrassed, but definitely felt awkward. Between gasps of laughter, he spoke. "So... I guess we still have some things to work on..."

That was good for both of them. After all, without moments like this, things would get boring very quickly.

"Don't we always?" she teased good-naturedly.

She made use of the additional space she now had on the couch. She stretched out before she rolled onto her side. She set her chin on her hand and smirked at him devilishly.

"Well, two time travellers, an archaeologist and a defender of the universe, we don't have what anyone would call a normal relationship."

"Oh! So, you get to be 'defender of the universe' and I'm just an archaeologist? Is that how it is?"

"Okay, fine. ‘Defender of the Three-Dimensional Plane' if that makes you feel better."

Even from the floor, after everything that had just happened, he managed to be smug about it.

"Don't make me come down there." She smirked down at him as she tucked her arm under her cheek and was content to lie there and watch him stuck on the floor.

He grinned up at her. "I'd like to see you try." Mostly he just wanted his spot on the couch back.

River considered how she should move off the couch. She had to be strategic about it. She grinned dangerously and slid cat-like off the couch: slowly at first, before trying to get on top of him before he could move.

Except, as he had pointed out on the _Harmony and Redemption_ , he had been doing things like this longer. And he knew his wife. So, as she slid down, he slid up. Once he was back in 'his place', he grinned again. "Very, very close. But, not this time."

She pouted as she flopped down on the rug. She tried and failed to look annoyed at him. "Well, that's just bad manners."

"This from the woman who wanted to cut off the head of her husband?"

The fire beside her was comfortingly warm and she felt strangely peaceful for the moment. Still, at his question, she turned her head to fix him with a look. "I think you'll find his head was already cut off. I was just scooping out his brain. If he still had one anyway."

She huffed lightly at that, though the memory made her smile.

Now the Doctor was sprawled out on the couch lying on his stomach, his chin balanced on top of his hands. "You seemed surprised to learn that, though."

They were both comfortable and had managed to turn awkwardness into laughter. Which was so different from their first months here. Things were very good. He tilted his head slightly. He had carefully avoided the question he had wanted to ask for so long, but in this moment, it felt right to ask it. "Is that really what you're like when I'm not around?"

River raised an eyebrow at the question posed to her, her lips spread into a knowing smirk until it made her cheeks dimple. "I don't know, I've forgotten what it's like when you're not around."

"I'd be more flattered if I thought that were true."

He reached a hand down to catch a stray curl and move it to another place. This time it stayed. "Are you afraid to tell me the truth?"

"Is that what you think?"

River studied him a moment. She tried to read his expression and what he was really asking, before she sighed. "It's not that," she shrugged. "It's just... When I'm with you, we always do the good thing. We always help someone, or save some planet. And that's right, that's what we do, because that's what you do. But sometimes I just… I want to go off and do the bad thing."

"So, being the 'good guy' isn't enough adventure for you? And all that stuff you spouted to Hydroflax about how he had taken so much from so many... and you were going to steal it all back?"

He had almost been impressed when she had said that bit. Impressing someone billions of years old is no mean feat, especially when it’s him.

"I did steal it all back," she said pointedly. "It just involved killing him, which frankly, everybody would've been grateful for. And the Halassi would've got their diamond back... eventually. I just wanted to sell it a few times first." She gave him a sly sidelong look. "What? You don't think it was a coincidence that I knew exactly when the _Harmony and Redemption_ would blow up, did you? I just needed to meet my buyer, let the bank transfer go through and oops... what terrible timing for them."

"You made it quite clear that you had everything well-planned. _History's Finest Exploding Restaurants_. " He paused in thought. "But that's not what I'm talking about, and you know it."

When he forced her to address the real matter she sighed again while her expression softened. “When I’m with you, you keep me right.” Her voice became softer. “When you’re not around... there’s nothing to hold me back. And, yes... that _is_ what I’m like.” She paused for a long moment. “I suppose part of me didn’t want you to know about that.”

He frowned and slid off the couch at her words. He made his way next to her and pulled her into his arms. "River, I told you once a long time ago, 'You are forgiven. Always and completely.' Of course I would want to know."

“I know,” she spoke softly as she rested her head near his. “But you’ve never exactly agreed with my methods, have you, my love? You get ever so cross.”

The Doctor realised he had a new goal for their time here: show River Song that she can still be saucy _and_ the way she is when she's with him – at the same time. Because that was how she was when he first met her. He just never knew how much he had played into that transformation. Well. Now he knew.

"I get cross with anyone who sees killing as the first solution. Or takes advantage of a situation involving death."

He took killing seriously, even if he was a bit flippant about death itself. Reflecting on killing the General had only made him recommit himself to taking killing seriously. River reached over to lightly tap him on the nose like he so often used to do to her. He tried to hold in the little smile that tried to break free at that.

After a short pause to let that conversation fade, the Doctor spoke again. "You have Time Lord DNA, but can you see time lines?"

He was being serious. He doubted it, but he had never properly asked her about it.

“No, nothing I can make sense of, anyway. If I had, maybe I would’ve made some different choices.”

"Or maybe you would have made the exact same choices."

She shrugged off the seriousness. “Probably for the best that I can’t. Who knows what I’d get up to?”

That kind of knowledge required responsibility to not be taken advantage of – she had no qualms in admitting that wasn’t her. That was really his point in asking the question. He wanted to help her to see that she was always her. No matter what. He accepted it, even if there were parts he didn’t like. He tilted his head slightly as he looked at her. He couldn’t be light about this. It was too important for so many reasons. "Do you like who you are, how you are, the choices you make, when I'm not around?"

“Well, of course I do!” she said, instinctively wanting to give the positive answer, to laugh off anything else.

The Doctor reached up to gently play with her curls again. They were in a calm space that made it easier to have this conversation and he wanted to keep it that way. But, he also gave her a long and penetrating look. He knew she didn't really think about her answer and he thought he deserved that much: a thoughtful reply.

She pursed her lips and relented to his unspoken request. He had mastered that look very well in this body – she almost liked it. “Look, I know you don’t approve half the time…” She broke off. That isn’t what he wanted to hear. He wanted to hear her admit to what she knew about herself and what she knew about _them_. “…The me you don’t see, it’s like... Another part of me. That’s the Melody you left behind in Berlin. She’s the one who loves jumping off rooftops and shooting first and asking questions later. Maybe I shouldn’t like her, but... I do. She gives me strength, she got me through a lot of things. She’s always going to be part of me, and I’ve come to accept that now. But there’s this me too... The part of me that you found.” She smiled now, looking over at him. “River Song. But, I know that I can’t have one without the other. Melody or River, they’re both me. I’ll always be both the woman who murdered you, and the woman who married you.”

It was a lot to admit; to accept that she had this dichotomy within her. But it was who she is and she knew it was part of the reason why she had survived so much.

He leant in, as if he was about to kiss her, but then stopped. Because although they had talked about it. Addressed it. Every now and then, his self-doubt crept up. "Is that why you thought I couldn't love you back? Because you have this double-life?"

“No,” she said softly as she shook her head. “It’s not that.”

She had been careful to tone down her wilder side around him, but she never hid it outright. She knew he liked it on occasion. “Doctor... You have to understand, I was brought up on legends of the Oncoming Storm, of a man who was a God, who could do anything and everything he wanted. That’s all I ever knew. Everything was about you. You were always... so much bigger than me, so much more. And I fell in love with that. I fell in love with a story. Something so powerful, so magnificent, so impossible, that it never seemed possible that someone like that could even think to love me back.” She laid her hand on his chest, giving him a reassuring smile as she continued. “And when I met you, I was proven right. You might not have been the terrible monster they made you out to be, but you were still every inch the legend. And I was already completely in love with you.”

He lowered his head to her shoulder for a moment. It was more to hide his expression and give him time to think than anything. He took a steadying breath and finally raised his head to look at her. "The only thing I am is less breakable than a lot of other people."

River smiled at him. “You’re much more than that, my love. You’re my husband, for one.”

He clearly needed to rephrase his question, before River distracted him further. Because it was very nearly working. "Maybe it's time you stopped seeing yourself as two different people and saw yourself as one. You do know that 'Melody Pond' and 'River Song' are the same person?"

She was quiet for a long moment. “I know... it just feels like two very different halves of one whole. I know I’ll always be both, but sometimes... one part of me is needed more than the other.”

He could help her understand these things better. Even though he knew how terrifying facing a psychic connection would be for her. He just didn’t know any other way. Lives lived through regeneration were a tricky thing. You both are and aren't the same person you were before. He had his entire academy training to help him. River had nothing. As he listened to her reply, though, he thought that perhaps it was for the best she was out of regenerations. "That's still thinking like you are two different people."

He closed his eyes. Because he didn’t know how to explain it in a way she could understand. "Even the me that I don't talk about is still me."

That was just ever so painful to admit. She studied his expression and frowned at how this seemed to trouble him. That wasn’t her intention at all. "Just because I don't understand it the way you do, doesn't mean I don't understand it at all. I have... so many facets of personality in my head. Some, I don't even know if they're me, or if the Silence put them there. And trying to exist with being River and Melody is one thing, then there's everything else! I still remember when I was in Brooklyn, when I was in Leadworth, and the people I was then. I know they're all still me but… to understand it my way, I have to separate those events in my life."

He nodded; his voice was soft, gentle, with just a hint of regret. "You weren't able to go to Academy. You didn't have Time Lord training."

"I dare say they would have kicked me out for bad behaviour. I never did do well with rules."

River tried to lighten the mood. A faint smile appeared on the Doctor’s features. "They never succeeded in kicking me out. Not that they didn't try."

His expression turned slightly more serious. He had a lot of self-blame where her life was concerned. "It's not too late... I could help you..."

Her fingers stroked his cheek in a comforting touch. She asked, "What would that involve exactly?"

He leant slightly into her touch and then moved his fingers from playing with her hair to brush near her temples. "I would need to know what happened to you when you were with Kovarian."

There was really only one way to do that. Her hand shifted slightly so that a fingertip traced lightly over the corner of his lips. It was a comforting gesture to ease her reply. "That's... not a good idea, my love."

He nodded once; it was a gesture of understanding, not acceptance. "Why do you think it's not a good idea?"

The change in conversation made River instinctively draw away from the Doctor. It was as if putting space between them would protect him from what they had done to her. "The truth is... I don't remember what happened back then. I don't remember my time with the Silence, or what they did to me. And I think that's for the best. For both of us."

She was terrified of what it would do to him. The guilt of not being able to rescue her from that would consume him all over again. The Doctor allowed for her to pull away, but he huffed slightly at the thoughts she was projecting clear as day. "If you don't think it is right for you to know, I can respect that. But don't assume what is best for me."

The frown on River's face deepened as he replied. She simply couldn’t fathom why he wanted this. "You really want to know what they did to me? Doctor, if you see that, there's no taking it back. And if anything you saw changed the way you looked at me? I think it'd kill me."

"Really? If you trying to kill me didn't change the way I looked at you, why do you think anything that was done _to_ you would change it?"

He was honestly curious. He had thought she didn't remember most of what had happened to her. Maybe she remembered more than she had admitted.

She looked away from him, but her reply was soft and simple. “ _Because_ it was done to _me_.”

She knew that someone hurting her would always upset him more than anyone trying to hurt him. He slipped his pointer finger under her chin to get her to look at him. "Did I ever tell you about the Master and what he did to the TARDIS?"

The gentle coaxing led her to look at him, uncertainty in her eyes as she studied his face. His question seemed to be a different topic, but she knew the Doctor better than to question it. She shook her head that she didn’t know.

His hand slid back to run his fingers through her hair again. It was a comforting gesture, but more for him and what he was about to say. "The Master had been after my TARDIS since I was in my third body. But, when I was in my tenth body - sandshoes and hair - he finally got his hands on her. He turned her into a Paradox Machine. Brought the humans from a distant future, back to the early Twenty-first Century to destroy the humans, as they had at the time. Tortured me and my friends and forced us to watch as he slaughtered billions." He swallowed hard. "All the while, the TARDIS, as the paradox machine, was forced to hold that reality in place. In the end, Jack Harkness, destroyed the paradox machine in a blaze of bullets and fire. At the end of everything, I discovered the TARDIS was too injured to simply heal herself." Finally he met River's eyes. "She thought like you... that what she had been through, what she had done, was the worst thing imaginable. That she couldn't let me help her because she wanted to protect me. But, all I wanted to do was to protect her and help her to heal."

He stopped there, hoping River understood.

River listened intently to the story. It broke her heart to hear what had happened to her other mother. She understood the Doctor’s point – he would rather know, despite all the pain – than let her linger in pain alone. She nodded gently to show she had heard that message.

“I know you want to help me,” she started when she found her voice and thoughts. “And I love you for that. But... is it worth bringing all of that back? Whatever I went through, I’ve forgotten it, and maybe that’s for the best? If I knew what they did to me...” Something in her tensed at the thought. She knew herself too well. She knew she’d thirst for revenge more than ever if she learned the truth. She had come to terms with never truly knowing what happened to her and this would change all of it.

He sighed and shook his head. "Never mind. I shouldn’t have asked."

He leant down and pressed his lips to her forehead. It was a gesture to show he would respect her wishes – at least for now. It had been selfish of him to ask anyway. He moved to her side and wrapped his arms around her, as he tucked her into himself. "I didn't mean to overwhelm you."

She was usually so good at keeping up with him, he forgot sometimes, that she was still human.

Still deep in her thoughts, she didn’t really start to relax until she was tucked up and safe in his embrace. She sighed softly as she settled her head against his shoulder. “It’s alright. A lot has happened tonight. I think I just need time to process it all.”

She needed to do so in a way that kept her in control and him safe. She pulled her head back slightly to look up at him. “I don’t suppose you’d come back to bed with me, would you?”

Even if it wasn’t to sleep, she’d rather be with him - and for once she didn’t mean it suggestively. When she pulled away, he looked over at her. "Is there something wrong with staying here?"

Sure they were on the floor, but there was something pleasant about holding River and the fire would keep them warm. It seemed a shame to move if they didn’t have to. A small smile reappeared across her lips. She wouldn’t be opposed to lying with him in bed, but there was something nice about this little spot they had created for themselves. His arms wrapped around her were comfortable and the fire at her back was warm even though she was still only in her dressing gown. “Nothing wrong at all.”

She assured him softly. She gave him the softest kiss to his cheek, before resting her head back down again. She made a point to tuck herself tighter against him and she welcomed his embrace. It was as if she could disappear into him if she tried hard enough.

The Doctor thought that if he held her just right he would be able to protect her from all of his demons – and her own too. He released a soft sigh of contentment. "Good, because this is... good."

She chuckled softly at his words; they were awkward and endearing at the same time. “Yes, it is,” she agreed softly.

Even for all the sad topics, it was moments like this that reminded them that no matter what happened in their pasts, they had this now. No matter what they had been through, it was worth it to have this.

The Doctor had no intention of falling asleep. A part of him was too scared of what he might do to her if he did sleep. But this... This he could do. After some long minutes he mumbled into her hair. It was uttered barely above a whisper. "I love you."

The words brought a soft smile to River’s lips. She knew his feelings for her were more complicated than that, but for him to say it again told her how hard he was trying. But it was strange. Because he knew that she loved him. Has always known. She was the one who'd never been sure if he loved her. So there were only two words she could use in reply. "I know."

He tightened his hold on her ever so slightly. The physical expression was easier than saying anything more tonight. He went quiet and still again. It would be silly for both of them to remain awake all night. He would do what he could to let River sleep.


	23. Chapter 23

Finally, it was time to return to the Sisters of the Infinite Schism. This time, since River and the Doctor had an appointment, they were escorted immediately to Clastira’s office. They held each other’s hand as they waited for her to flip through the readings and offer them any news at all.

She looked up at them and offered a sympathetic smile. “Before I offer our findings, I first have to say that there is a substantial lack of knowledge about Time Lord – anything. And that complication is there before we add in River’s unique nature.”

The Doctor shifted uncomfortably. He didn’t want to return to Gallifrey, but if it meant saving River’s life, he would do so in a moment. River, just gave his hand a squeeze to calm him. He nodded once and Clastira continued. “The readings we’ve seen in the past month have seen noticeable spikes in energy that comes from an outside source. We don’t know what the source is or why the energy happens, but it seems connect to times when…. How do I put this delicately? When River is having a bio-chemical response to stimulus.”

River understood exactly what the Sister was trying to say. She looked over at the Doctor who looked confused. River smirked and leaned over. “Sex, darling.”

The Doctor paled. “What? What do you mean?” He then looked at Clastira. “You mean you could tell when we…”

He gestured between River and himself. He didn’t blush, per se, but he was rather flustered at the idea.

River couldn’t help but chuckle. She squeezed his hand again. “Doctor, they did tell us they would be monitoring all my bodily functions.”

The Doctor huffed, clearly not pleased, but he wanted to understand what this had to do with anything.

Clastira waited until the couple’s attention was back on her. She looked at the Doctor. “I assume you know more about these spikes in energy than we do?”

The Doctor nodded once. “It’s… how Time Lords procreate naturally. Due to Pythia’s Curse, we found other methods to have children, but…”

Clastira nodded. “The physical ability to procreate naturally still exists. At least for you.”

The Doctor nodded. Clastira added a few notes to the information she already had. She was quiet for a long time as she considered all the options now before her. “This is all just theory an will require further testing, but my working hypothesis is that there is something about River’s bio-chemistry that is different enough that the energy from the Doctor, which given this bit of information, would logically focus on River’s reproductive system, is actually what might be causing the cancer. After all, reproduction is simply joining an egg and sperm, resulting in a new zygote cell. I’m not sure what role the energy has to do with Time Lord procreation…”

“No!” The Doctor’s voice interrupted. “No. No. No. No. No. This isn’t happening, can’t be happening.”

They hadn’t even decided for sure if they wanted children or not and this? This would mean they never could. At least not naturally. And the very idea that something so natural, so common, would be hurting River so much…. He couldn’t deal with that thought. Wouldn’t deal with it. River tried to calm him, but he released her hand and stood up so he could pace.

“I don’t know that I can stop it from happening now. And if I can’t, does that mean every time we have sex, I’ll slowly be killing her?”

River didn’t care that the Doctor’s question had been directed at Clastira. She stood and slowly took her husband’s hand into her own. “We’ll find a way, Sweetie, like we always do.”

Clastira gave them a moment and then cleared her throat. “If you could sit down. There is a bit more information I would like to offer.”

The couple each swallowed hard and returned to their seats. Clastira nodded to them. “Based on the readouts, the change in cells only happens sometimes.”

She pressed a button and information was displayed in front of them, above her desk. From her side, she pointed out the different parts of the graphs as she explained it. “At this point here, there was a clear release of energy, but it didn’t seem to change any of the cells as you can see here. But at this point, it did. We don’t understand the inconsistency or why it is happening, but the changes in the cell isn’t directly related to the Doctor’s energy alone.”

The Doctor hated not knowing things and he was well out of his depth with this one. River went very quiet. Finally she spoke, very quietly. “I think I know.”

Both Clastira and the Doctor turned to face her. It was the Doctor who spoke first. “What do you mean? How could you possibly know?”

River’s expression was grim. “Because, Love, I know what is happening inside of me, in my head when we… join. I’m not sure you do.”

The Doctor’s confused expression slowly shifted into annoyance. River couldn’t stand that, so she continued with a shrug. “Sometimes I see the energy and… I feel compelled to invite it into me. Other times, I just want to bask in the experience, but keep your energy separate from me. I never thought it really mattered until just now. But, if like you said, natural procreation for Time Lords had to be mutual, maybe because of my DNA, the attempts to be mutual are what is causing the cancer.”

Now the truth, the idea that had been racing through the Doctor’s head, had been spoken aloud. He hoped that if he didn’t say it, he could run from it forever. Not with River around. She was so clever. Of course she would suggest a problem so they could get to solving it as quickly as possible. The Doctor deflated. All of the energy, anger, frustration, melted away from him and he slumped slightly in the chair.

Clastira broke through his thoughts. “If River is right, then we know how to prevent it.”

The Doctor’s voice was soft. “But it also means we won’t be able to procreate naturally without harming River.”

Clastira shook her head. “It’s early days…”

“No. I can feel it…. See it… So, what do we do? How do we heal River?” Because that was all the Doctor cared about at this point.

Clastira nodded. Good. They were starting to focus on the right thing, now. “I would like a little more time to work with the new information I have learned today. We might be able to develop a formula that would stop River from being able to absorb the energy. Or maybe you will just both have to take extra precautions when you copulate. The point is, we shouldn’t be too hasty about anything right now.”

The Doctor sighed heavily. He didn’t like this, not at all. But there was literally nothing he could do. “Okay. So what is the next step?”

“I’d like to give River another physical. Now that we know what we’re looking for, we can hopefully gain more information and start on a plan. Doctor, why don’t you go for a walk? Once we’re done here, you both are free to leave. I’ll set up another appointment with River so we can go over anything we’ve learned.”

Well, that was the Doctor being dismissed. He nodded once and was even able to squeak out a quiet, “Thank you.”

The Doctor made his way to Missy’s room. After all, he figured at the very least, it would keep him distracted. He was surprised to see her sitting up and attempting to eat something. It looked like a pudding substance thing. He was surprised at how much better she looked since the last time he had seen her. She was clearly getting stronger, which meant he would have to be more cautious. “Hello, Missy.”

She gave him a slight nod in acknowledgement. He made his way over to the chair near her bed and took a seat. “You’re looking better.”

“Hard to look worse…”

Her voice was still gravelly, clearly still injured, but there was a bit of strength to it now. The Doctor nearly smiled, but managed to hold it in. Missy’s charred muscles morphed into something that looked like an almost smirk. “How’s your pet wife?”

The Doctor just scowled at Missy. There was a glimmer to Missy’s eyes. “Oh, is she dying?”

“We’re all dying.”

“Well, the rest of us, not sure about you. What happened to you, Doctor?”

“I already told you.”

“You offered a glimmer, but it wasn’t much.”

“I’m not the one who’s had my healing abilities suspended. How is that working for you?”

It was Missy’s turn to attempt a scowl. Her muscles didn’t quite allow for it. The Doctor sighed heavily. He didn’t trust her, but she had always been better than him at school. Maybe she could remember something he couldn’t. “Nearest anyone can guess right now is that my energy is causing her to develop cancer.”

A few muscles in Missy’s forehead crinkled. “What are you doing giving her your energy. She did that to you, isn’t that why she can’t regenerate now?”

The Doctor closed his eyes and counted to seven. “Not that kind of energy. You know why I left Gallifrey originally with Susan....”

“You’ve travelled with humans too long. I would think you’d be over dancing around the topic of biology.”

“I clearly didn’t dance far enough.” He took a breath. This conversation wasn’t going to end well and it was time to change the focus. He pulled a small device out of his pocket. “Missy, I would like to take some samples.”

Missy looked displeased. Which was impressive, given her condition.

“River and I might have to return to Gallifrey and if we do, I’ll look for a cure for you as well. And even if we _don’t_ , it could help me to find a cure.”

Missy sighed and set her pudding aside. “If you’re always this thick, then it’s no wonder that you need little pets around to make you feel smart.”

The Doctor scowled. “What do you mean?”

Missy offered a soft chuckle, but the Doctor could tell she was mocking him, the way she did all that time ago in on Boat One.

“Missy?”

“Well, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that your wife needs something that I have and I need something _you_ have.”

“What are you proposing?”

“A deal, Doctor. You can take samples from me, as you need. You might even find a way to use them to cure your wife. And in return, you give me some of your energy. And I don’t mean the regeneration kind.”

The Doctor’s frown deepened. “Missy, I don’t think it works that way.

“You’re only saying that because no one has tried! But it makes sense, doesn’t it? It’s like your pet humans and their idea of ‘stem cell research.’ That energy, Doctor, is a Time Lord’s beginning force. It could probably reboot my system. After all, it was even used with the creation of the Looms.”

“Missy… I…”

“Go and do your research, Doctor. It’s not like I’m going anywhere. When you have found a cure for me, I will let you take some samples to see if it can cure your wife.”

The Doctor went quiet for a long time. In theory, what Missy was proposing could work. But harvesting the Energy would be problematic. And if he suspended River’s augmented lifespan, it was possible that she would return to aging normally. Which wouldn’t be terrible, considering what was to happen after they left Darillium.

“So instead of returning to Gallifrey, you’re suggesting I go back to Skaro.”

“Hardly. I know what they will do to you if you return.”

The Doctor looked confused. “Then what?”

“I have a pill, hidden away. I could give it to you. But first, I need to know you’re making the attempt to save me. If you think I’ve forgotten that you abandoned me to burn to death on Sarn, you’re wrong.”

If it had been possible for the Doctor to pale any further, he would have. “So… when you said you were the Time Lord I had abandoned…” She had been talking about Sarn. Interesting. “I… It was a decision I had regretted.”

“But not enough to change it. Like you have done for Gallifrey.”

“The issues are quite different.”

“Are they?”

“Yes.”

Missy chuckled. It was a bit hoarse, but it still held the mocking tone. “Why _did_ you save Gallifrey?”

The Doctor frowned in reply.

“Was it because you couldn’t deal with the guilt, or because you wanted to show off? To prove that you could have saved it the first go and intentionally chose not to?”

“You shouldn’t remember any of that.”

“Except, dear Doctor, I only became trapped in the Time Lock after you sent Gallifrey back, while I was still fighting Rassilon. I am well aware of what happened the first go. And even the second. I remember what it was like to be trapped in the Time Lock…”

The Doctor swallowed thickly. “And the others?”

“No, that is my special hell, because of what I had experienced after I fled the War.”

The Doctor hummed quietly. He wasn’t sure what to do with this new information. There was a small comfort that most Gallifreyans wouldn’t remember both timelines as he did. He hadn’t considered the possibility that the Master would. It made sense, though. “To answer your question, I suppose it was both, in the end.”

Missy offered a small nod of her head. The Doctor was quiet again. “Rassilon is gone. And the High Council. I exiled them."

“You… When did you do that? And how?”

“When I finally escaped my Confession Dial, I found myself on Gallifrey. I told them to ‘Get off my planet.’”

Missy offered a wry sort of chuckle. “So, they trapped you in your Dial and upon your escape, you exiled them. It’s fitting in a way, I suppose.”

“Well, it meant that I was Lord President again and had the ability to do a lot of things that needed doing…”

At that he went quiet. After a moment, Missy prompted. “Like what?”

“I had to save Clara.”

Missy hummed, but resisted the urge to tease the Doctor further. This Doctor could only be pushed in specific ways and given what he had shared of his Confession Dial, Missy knew better than to push him on this now. Not if she wanted his help. “So you got what you wanted and ran away again. Gallifrey has no leadership now. Might be perfect for me…”

“Don’t. You. D _are_.”

“Oh, I was only teasing. I can’t do a thing until I’m better anyway.”

“That’s why going back would be difficult for me.”

Missy slowly offered a bit of a nod. “Find a way to save me, Doctor, and I will do what I can to save your pet wife.”

“She has to make it to her last investigation. We met on the last day of her life.”

Missy smirked. “And let me guess, she saved your life.”

The Doctor nodded once. Missy was quiet. “They’ve taken all kinds of samples. Make sure they’ve granted you access to all of my records. If you need more, then I’ll submit to it.”

“Thank you.” He was sincere. It was rare for the Master to concede anything. He slowly stood. “I don’t know when I’ll be back. It depends a bit on River. Just know if it’s longer, that means I don’t need any more information…”

“Because they will have all the samples and information you need.”

He nodded once. “You are looking a bit stronger, Missy. So at least your natural healing abilities seem to still be intact.”

She tried to grimace. “It’s too slow. I might die like this.”

The Doctor rested his hand near her, not on her since he didn’t want to hurt her. “I promise I will try to find a way.”

It was the best he could offer and both of them knew it. “Succeed and I will give you the pill which could save your wife.”

He nodded. “Be as well as you can be. I promise to return.”

With that, the Doctor left her room. He made a stop at the nurses’ station to make sure the data pad Clastira had given him had the most accurate information and as much information about the Master as possible. Satisfied that he had access to the same information, he returned to the TARDIS.


	24. Chapter 24

The Doctor and River had been back on Darillium about a week following River’s last exam. She was now free from the monitor, but they were being extra cautious when they had sex. It helped to kill the mood when every time the Doctor grew close to releasing energy his conversation with Missy came to mind. River had noticed and decided that this time, she would confront him about it.

They were lying wrapped up in each other’s arms. Both were safe and satisfied. River gently prodded. “You’re holding back. And I don’t think it’s in a way that might be expected after our last appointment.”

The Doctor sighed softly and held River just a little bit tighter for a moment. River was concerned about his reaction, she lifted a hand, and gently traced her thumb across his forehead while her fingers teased the edge of his hairline. “Sweetie, what is it?”

The Doctor was quiet for a long moment. “It would be easier to show you…”

River went quiet. They hadn’t connected mentally in a long time. Oh the bond was there; even she had a constant awareness of it now. But that wasn’t the same as what he was proposing.

The Doctor could read her concern on her features. The twinge of doubt he felt through the bond wasn’t necessary. “I’ll be broadcasting. You would just have to receive.”

“Like a telephone call.”

He chuckled softly. “If that makes it easier for you. The story is complex and…”

River offered a wry smile. “…You don’t want me interrupting.”

He offered a little shrug. “That and it’s easier for me this way.”

River thought about it for a few minutes. The Doctor closed his eyes and just waited. Telepathy was still difficult and scary for River. He understood and respected that. Sleeping was sometimes still difficult and scary for him. They had learned that in some matters, they just had to be patient with each other.

“All right.” Her voice softly broke through the silence.

He opened his eyes and looked at her. He offered a serious, but kind sort of smile. “Thank you.”

They rearranged themselves so that he could reach her contact points, but they were still lying down and comfortable. She mimicked the position of his hands, knowing it made it easier when they did that. Then the Doctor showed her everything he had learned about the patient, and what he could of his memories of Missy – even if many of them were wrapped up with Clara. He even offered a few glimpses of his history with the Master – especially when something had been mentioned in the conversation, like Sarn. Finally, he ended with Missy’s compromise: if he found a way to save her, she would offer a possible solution for River. He slowly ended the contact and waited to see how she would respond.

It was a lot for River to take in. She knew scant bits about the Master, but hadn’t known she had survived the Time War. Hadn’t known the Doctor knew she had survived the Time War. River sighed softly and stroked her hand through the Doctor’s hair. “So. You can save your oldest friend and your wife at the same time… how do you resist?”

The Doctor shrugged as best he could, given their positions. “Not sure I can. I think I’ve already agreed to it.”

She offered a soft smile. That was so typical of her husband. “You don’t trust her, but you’re willing to do this?”

“If it means a chance to save you… We’ve killed each other as often as we’ve saved each other. This wouldn’t be any different than any other time.”

“Will she keep her word?”

“I think in this case, she will.”

“Okay. How do we harvest your energy to give to her?”

“I don’t know yet. I might have to return to Gallifrey for that. Unless there’s something in the TARDIS I can use.”

River hummed quietly. “Well, as much as I would like to see Gallifrey, let’s do what we can to avoid that option. I didn’t even know it was possible to harvest energy like that.”

The Doctor nodded once. “Missy reminded me. Time Lords did it so the Looms would work properly. It should be possible to harvest it somehow.”

Both went quiet for some moments. The Doctor’s mind was racing, though. “I… Didn’t expect you to be so open to this.”

River smiled softly at him. “Over the years I’ve learned a few things about you.” The Doctor raised an eyebrow, but let River continue. “One: never get between you and the TARDIS. Two: never let you see people you care about get hurt. Three: never stop you from trying to save as many people as you can.”

He huffed quietly. River was right, of course she was. She smiled at him. “This situation involves two and three. And since I might actually benefit from it, it makes more sense to be supportive.”

The Doctor pulled River closer to him while he nuzzled their foreheads together. He didn’t speak again, though. He hoped the action voiced his ‘thank you’ well enough.

After several days of the Doctor scouring the TARDIS library, he felt conflicted. It was as if he had both enough and not enough information at the same time. It was maddening. River had just entered with a small tea tray with tea and some snacks. The Doctor hadn’t been eating properly and she discovered the only way to make sure he ate was to have food constantly available to him.

He sighed heavily and threw the book he had been reading across the room, just missing River. She chuckled softly as she continued on her way. “Didn’t like that one?”

The Doctor used both hands to rub his face and then ran them through his hair, making it wilder than before. “I can now build a loom from scratch, if I needed to, but I have no idea how to get the energy into it!”

She set the tray down and held a mug out for him. “Take a break and eat something. You should try feeding your brain once in awhile too.”

“I don’t need a lecture on my eating habits right now.”

She sighed and sat next to him on the sofa. “Sorry. I just worry about you when you get so focused that you forget everything else.”

He sighed and took the mug from her. “I know. I just thought I would have more answers by now.”

River leaned over and placed a gentle kiss to his temple. “Looms were pretty big, though. So even if you could build one and get the energy into it, it’s not like you could transport it.”

The Doctor shook his head. “I was hoping to discover the main component that was charged with the energy. Then I could just build that part…”

River made her own mug of tea then leaned back into the couch. She used her free hand to gently rub the Doctor’s neck, trying to calm him. “But everything you find makes it look like it works as a whole unit. Have you asked the TARDIS for help?”

He took a sip of tea and then grimaced at the question. “She’s the one who has been picking the books.”

“Could you build the whole thing then some how shrink it?”

He shrugged. “Without knowing how energy gets into and out of it, that would be pointless. No. Best to discover the main component and use that.”

“I know you don’t want to… but what about going back to Gallifrey?”

The Doctor tensed under her hand as she mentioned that. “There are very few people on Gallifrey I would trust with helping me in this… and they’re all dead.”

River removed her hand and hung her head as she stared into her mug. “I’m sorry.”

He sighed. That had come out a bit harsher than he had intended. “I know. I just… I don’t think I can. And even if I could, if I can’t trust them, why risk it?”

She dared to look over at him. “Do you know for sure?”

He looked confused as he reached over for a sandwich that River had brought in on the tray. “Do I know what for sure?”

“That all those you trust are dead.”

He was about to take a bite and instead stopped to swallowed hard. He set the plate with the uneaten sandwich back down. He sighed heavily and rubbed his hands over his face. “Some of them… It was the Time War, River. No I couldn’t be one-hundred percent sure all of them are dead… but…” He broke off and shook his head.

She shouldn’t have tried to push. She cursed herself under her breath. “I’m sorry, Doctor.”

Both were quiet for a long few moments. The Doctor had picked up the sandwich again and taken a bite or two. River watched him intently. When he had finished the sandwich, she gave him a few moments before she tried a different approach. “You can’t ever let yourself have hope about Gallifrey, can you?”

“River.” His tone was exasperated.

“No, Doctor. This is important and I’m not talking about the Loom. I mean it’s important for you personally. Why can’t you have hope about anything related to Gallifrey?”

He huffed and stood so he could pace. He didn’t want to have this conversation. And didn’t want to face what any answers could mean. At least River was remaining silent and giving him time to formulate his answer. “Because ever since I left Gallifrey, every time I’ve returned, nothing good has come of it.”

“I don’t understand.”

“The first time I returned to Gallifrey after I had run away, they put me on trial for interfering on Earth. I was only trying to protect and save it. Most recently they imprisoned me in my Confession Dial and caused my friend’s death. And you know how that went…”

River bit her lower lip and nodded. “That still doesn’t explain your lack of hope. You knew I killed you, but you found a way. You saved yourself and the whole universe. And you did that because you had hope.”

The Doctor paused in his pacing; his eyes were drawn to ‘ _The History of the Time War_ ’. “Things changed during the Time War, River. People I thought I could trust; I discovered I couldn’t. I killed a lot of people. And I mean before using _The Moment_. I saw a lot of people die. Whole cities on Gallifrey were wiped out in the blink of an eye…. Hope is too painful for that. If I let myself hope one person is alive, then I’ll want to find the next. I’ll want to save all of them. Until there’s no more screams in my mind. I know that can’t ever happen….”

River stood and slowly moved behind the Doctor. She wrapped her arms around him. He didn’t fight her off. He melted into her a bit. It was comforting to know she was there; that he wasn’t facing these demons alone.

She spoke softly. “So. It’s better to imagine everyone you ever cared for – and whoever cared for you – as dead, because finding one of them alive would make you want to seek out the rest, and while you don’t have proof their not alive, you’ve learned to deal with their death – at least to an extent.”

He nodded and turned around in her arms so he could rest his head on her shoulder and hold her as she held him. He mumbled into her shoulder. “I don’t think I could face having all those wounds reopened.”

River held him tighter for just a moment before encouraging him to lift his head so she could look at him. “Doctor, I look at you, the past year we’ve had together, and I realise that a lot of those wounds are just now starting to heal.”

He huffed a sound of disagreement. River just stared at him. “No. I’m serious.”

He nodded. “I know.” He hesitated. “I’m scared.”

She pulled him back into her arms. “Me too.”

They were both quiet for a long moment. For the Doctor, it was mostly so that he could regain control of his emotions. He finally lifted his head and backed completely out of her embrace. “What are you afraid of?”

River looked at him with shocked confusion. “Don’t you know?”

The Doctor shook his head, equally confused. She sighed. “Losing you.”

His confusion deepened. “Why would you be afraid of losing me?”

“I don’t know. What if you find some member of your family? What if you decide you need or want them more than me?”

The Doctor swallowed thickly. He knew where this was coming from, even if River didn’t. She had abandonment issues. Not that they were her fault, but they were there. He pulled her back into his arms. “I have two hearts, River. And one of them will always be yours.”

It was overly sentimental and cliché and felt wrong on his tongue, but that didn’t mean he was lying.

River slowly wrapped her arms around him again. The pair stood there holding each other for a long time. Or at least until the Doctor started to squirm just slightly. River had grown accustomed to his ‘tells’. She released him a few heartbeats later.

The Doctor sighed and walked to where he had tossed his book. He picked it up and flipped it over. His finger caught between two pages and he glanced down. He was about to discard the book entirely when his eye caught a word that was printed in English, not in Gallifreyan: Shuttle.

“Oh!”

River had returned to her seat, but she recognised how he said that word. It was one the Doctor made in pretty much every single one of his incarnations. She looked up at him. “’Oh?’ You found something?”

The Doctor quickly moved to where River was sitting. “Look at this page, notice anything different?”

River smiled and looked up over at him. “Shuttle.”

He shook his head, either the TARDIS just now translated it, or I’ve been translating between Gallifreyan and English so long I missed it the first go.

“I don’t understand.”

“That’s because you probably don’t know anything about looms. On a cloth loom, the shuttle is the tool used to interlace the horizontal yarn with the vertical yarns.”

River nodded. “And…?”

“And presumably, that is the component that is needed to hold the energy. Of course, that makes sense! Because the energy is integral to Time Lords, it would need to be woven into us like anything else.”

“So you just need to build this shuttle, then?”

The Doctor looked back at the text and shrugged. “I don’t know. But it’s a place to start and gives me something specific to research.”

River grinned at her husband. It was amazing how one word could transform him from annoyance and despair into hope and giddiness.

“Well, you’re fed and watered. You have a new place to start. I’d say my job here is done.”

The Doctor looked at her and set his book aside. He cupped her face between both of his hands. He then kissed her gently and slowly. “Don’t ever think we’re done here. Not ever.”

River was not prepared for the rush of emotion that hit her when the Doctor kissed her this time. It took her a minute to remember – touch-telepath. The emotion was doubled because it wasn’t just her emotion, but his as well. She didn’t know what to do with it all, so she just brought her forehead to rest against his. “I love you.”

She heard the words come back to her, but she couldn’t tell if the Doctor just spoke them softly, or if he was using their bond. It didn’t matter either way to her, every time something small like this happened, it reminded her of how deep the Doctor’s love was for her. She remained there in that moment – just to enjoy it as long as she could.

Finally she pulled her head away from his, gave him a quick peck on the lips, and stood. “You’ll never get anything done if we keep this up. Besides, we need groceries.”

He nodded and sighed. It was a mix of contentment and longing, but he knew she was right. “Hopefully this part won’t take me too much longer, now that I know what I’m looking for.”

River nodded and left the room.

“ _You, my Dear Doctor, are an idiot_.”

The TARDIS’ voice brought the Doctor’s attention back to the task at hand. “It’s one thing when I admit it, it’s quite another to have you call me that.”

“ _It’s true, though. What did I have to do? Sing it for you?_ ”

“Things might have gone along quicker if you had.”

“ _You would have ignored it because you can’t stand things being easy. You ignored it the past three hours when I had started to translate the books into English_.”

“Hardly my fault I can translate both directions on my own.”

He smirked since she had no reply to that. It was good, because it was time to get to work. Now that he knew what he was looking for, he could go back through the books and try to figure things out.

Of course, the word in Gallifreyan was cluneksive. He had seen the word mentioned often in his reading, but he just hadn’t connected the concept of the purpose of the tool to be used for this. “I hate missing the obvious.”

He huffed to himself and continued with his research.

The Doctor ultimately realised that he had to do some research on cloth weaving to understand how the process worked in the Gallifreyan Looms. Which made sense, since that was what they were modelled after. By the end of his research, the Doctor felt like he knew enough to build his own loom and weave his own clothes. He might have to try that sometime… “Focus, Doctor Idiot, focus! You’re not going to help River like this.”

He was trying not to despair too much. He had yet to find information on how to make the cluneksive itself.

“ _Perhaps you should take a break. Go and enjoy this planet for a bit. Remind yourself what you’re really supposed to be doing here_.”

The Doctor sighed heavily. “Why do you always have to be right?”

“ _It’s my job_.”

The Doctor rolled his eyes as he chuckled softly. “Fair enough. Just this once, I’m doing what I’m told.”

He frowned at that. There was the hint of a memory. Faded and long gone, but the emotion was there.

“ _My Dear Pilot, the memories that need to be found will be. Don’t worry about the rest._ ”

He nodded once. “It’s my punishment. I deserved it. Hold me to the mark to never do that again.”

“ _Go and rest. And I don’t mean process more. I mean your brain needs a break from this. Come back tomorrow afternoon_.”

“Next thing you know, you’ll be telling me I don’t spend enough time with my wife.”

The TARDIS was silent, but the Doctor could feel what would normally be the weight of a stare coming from around the room. “Oh, all right! Just leave the books, so I know where I’ve stopped.”

“ _I love you, Doctor_.”

He rested his palm against the doorjamb as he left the room. “I… missed you. During all that time… Even though I had you in my mind….” He sighed heavily and leaned his head against the jamb. “Even now, I miss you. But….”

“ _The temptation would be too great. I understand, Doctor. It is enough for me that I can feel your presence again. Do not fret for me_.”

He nodded in reply. He didn’t know why he needed that reassurance so many months later, but he was grateful she gave it to him.

When the Doctor returned to the house, River had dinner waiting for him. She smiled at him and gestured that he should sit down. It was a fairly simple dinner: vegetable soup with coarse grain bread for dipping. Yet, it was filling and satisfying.

River didn’t pressure the Doctor to speak. It had been a long day for him and she knew that he would tell her when he was ready. Pushing him now might drive him further into himself and that was the last thing she wanted. Her thoughts were interrupted by the Doctor’s wry chuckle. She looked up at him. “Is everything all right?”

The Doctor shook his head slightly, that wry almost sad chuckle slowly ceasing. “All the time I was in the Confession Dial, my lunch and dinner was the same. It was the Gallifreyan equivalent to tomato soup. When I broke free and found myself on Gallifrey, the first thing they fed to me was that same soup. Four point five billion years of it and that was the first thing they fed me.”

River was shocked. They had been together for a year and there were still things about his experiences, both in the Dial and on Gallifrey, which he hadn’t told her. She looked down at the soup. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. Do you…”

He shook his head to cut her off, that odd chuckle still breaking through a bit. “It’s fine, River. This is about as different from that as can be. I was just reminded of it for some reason.”

River looked back at her meal and took a few bites. Then she looked up at him. “Is this because of what we talked about earlier? Or your research?”

The Doctor shrugged. “Who knows. The mind is a very strange thing.”

River offered a small smile as she reached out to pat his hand. “Yours especially.”

He looked at her, turned his hand over and held hers to give it a squeeze. He only whispered fondly, “Shut-up.”

She gave a squeeze in return and released his hand so they could finish their meal.

After they had finished eating, the Doctor insisted on cleaning up – alone, since River had done so much the past couple of days while he had been holed up in the TARDIS. After he completed those tasks, he came out to the sitting room. River was reading one of her research books. The Doctor shifted his weight between his feet for a few moments as he debated what to say. “Erm. The TARDIS said we haven’t been spending enough time together recently.”

River looked up and offered a smile that made it clear she was trying not to laugh at him.

“She also said I’m not to do anything that comes close to resembling research tonight. So, I was wondering if you wanted to go to the cinema?”

Her smile broadened into something a little more natural. “Well, I didn’t think this you did that sort of thing. This will be an adventure.”

He shrugged. “Well, I know this may shock you, given how much I know about popular Earth culture, but I’ve never seen _Breakfast at Tiffany’s_.”

“Well, as it just so happens, neither have I. Meet you on the TARDIS?”

The Doctor shook his head. “It’s playing at the Cinema a few streets over.”

River raised an eyebrow. “Really? So, is this a date?”

He looked down at his toes. “You don’t have to change or anything. I just thought it….” He looked back up as he heard her move.

She approached him and kissed him on the cheek. “I think it’s a lovely idea.”

A few minutes later, they were on their way, linked arm in arm. After the film finished, the pair stopped by the little ice cream shop on the way back to their house. When they got home, instead of heading to their room, the Doctor led River to the Fort. They ate their ice cream there and told each other stories of adventures they hadn’t shared. They fell asleep wrapped in each other’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I personally subscribe to the existence of looms and Pythia’s curse, I have developed my own personal headcanon about how they relate to Television Canon. (Since neither has been mentioned in Telly Canon and Telly Canon trumps all.) That being said, I can’t seem to find any information about specific components of the looms or how they were built. (Annoying, given the kind of detailed writer I am!) Therefore, I have made up all technicalities about the looms as presented. As to the various components, I took a lot of the names and parts from the components of weaving looms. I made up the Gallifreyan versions of names mentioned.


	25. Chapter 25

There was a problem with working on the TARDIS. It was too easy for the Doctor to get distracted. When he had been in the Confession Dial, he had thought that the Castle was a bit like him: complicated, went on and on, and was isolated and alone. But perhaps that wasn’t completely accurate. In general, the Dial was very him. But the Castle… In many ways, the Castle was, oh so similar to the TARDIS.

When he needed a break, he would sometimes just wander about her. Visit old rooms, sometimes long forgotten. That was how he came to the door that was currently in front of him. He needed a break from his Loom research. So, he had gone walking. For the door before him, forgotten isn’t really the way to put it, but it had been billions of years…

The script on the door was in runes. The Viking variety of them, anyway. Two letters. Simple enough. But what they signified was so much more. ‘M’ ‘E’. He breathed the name he remembered from all those years ago.   “Ashildr.”

His memories had told him that she was closely linked to Clara. He had told Clara as much. But he had forgotten about this room. Or the TARDIS had kept it hidden from him. He reached out to turn the doorknob. “Why now?”

The TARDIS was silent at his question. He had expected as much. While they did talk, she only responded when he really needed her to. And this time? He didn’t. He had a sense of why it would be now. He slowly turned the knob and entered the space.

He had quite the collection in here. And as a few objects triggered the gaps in his memory, he knew why the TARDIS had kept the room hidden from him. And in some ways, why she led him here now.

There was a drawing table in the centre of the room, so he approached it and took out some paper and a pencil. He started to etch the scene of encountering Ashildr in the last five minutes of the universe. She had been sitting in the wing armchair like it was a throne. She was sustaining her reality bubble ‘brilliantly.’ Gallifrey, and especially the Citadel, was crumbling around them. Oddly, some of the Sliders were still about. Time Lords, defending the Matrix, for all eternity, it would seem.

When the Doctor completed his sketch, he posted it on one of the walls. As if on cue, the TARDIS lurched. “What are you doing?”

He ran from the room and headed for the console as the TARDIS tossed him about. When he saw the monitor, he realised that the TARDIS wasn’t really the one doing it. She was fighting whatever was happening to her. He released the handbrake and things calmed down immediately. “Sorry, Old Girl. Now, let’s see what’s going on and where we’re headed.”

Now that he could look at the monitor clearly, he gasped at what he saw… “I know that structure.”

When the TARDIS completed it’s materialisation process though, the other structure looked like a giant boulder. That confirmed everything for him. He didn’t recognise the planet, but the TARDIS told him the place was safe for him. He exited his TARDIS slowly. And the person he expected to see was standing there. “Hello, Me.”

She nodded her head once. “Doctor.”

The Doctor looked around. “No Clara?”

Me raised an eyebrow. “I thought…” Well, perhaps she had thought wrong. Perhaps the block hadn’t worked.

The Doctor pulled a face to show he was somewhat disappointed in her. “You honestly think that I don’t know a TARDIS when I’m standing inside of one? It was fairly easy to piece that bit together.”

Me nodded once in acknowledgement. “Is that what you’ve done, then? Pieced all the memories together?”

His eyes narrowed slightly. “You know that I would have done that.”

He just won’t say how much or how little he knew. He nodded towards her TARDIS. “The Chameleon Circuit still works, then?”

“It was stuck as a diner for about ten years, but we eventually figured out what we were doing.”

He hummed. “Well, the TARDIS had been primed and Clara had travelled inside of one long enough, I’m fairly sure the new one took to her.”

He tilted his head. He wasn’t so sure about Me. Me shrugged in reply. “I had spent enough time on Gallifrey, I could read the book.”

“Of course, you said ‘over a hundred-thousand hours and you’re the best’. How long were you on Gallifrey?”

“You mean was I there when you returned, four and a half billion years later? Of course. And I was there until you found me at the end.”

Something was trying to assert itself in the back of the Doctor’s mind. But he had another question. Something far more important. Something that ate at him, even all this time later. “Who’s idea was it? To keep me separated from my TARDIS? Wasn’t all the time in my Dial enough?”

Because those months on Earth, not able to sense her, not able to locate her because Me had taken his key, had felt like another billion years at least.

Me scoffed at him. “A moment is nothing for people like us. What’s the big deal?”

The Doctor chuckled, but there was no humour to it. It was dark and foreboding. “A moment? A _moment_. Well, I suppose it might have been a moment for you. You were inside a TARDIS. I was left stranded in the States. I couldn’t sense her, I wasn’t even sure she was still on Earth. For nine months! Left. Abandoned to fend for myself.”

Me’s features changed. “But it wasn’t that long. Couldn’t have been. We dropped you off, went to get your TARDIS and then parked about a mile down the road. It was only moments.”

“A TARDIS you didn’t know how to pilot. It was nine months for me.”

He had found a way to survive, he always did. But that wasn't the point. He was calm as he spoke. Too calm. "You moved my TARDIS from where I had last left her. You had taken my key. Surely you understood that when the Time Lords told you to do that, it was so that she couldn't come to rescue me. Do you know what the relationship between a Time Lord and TARDIS is? Do you?"

He had saved Clara as much as he could. He had told Clara as much in the Diner. He had given her as much of a good-bye as he could. Still, although he had pieced the story together, it was like looking at photos of someone else's life. There was no emotional attachment to the information he pieced together – other than to have the mystery solved. But, it was pointless to be angry about that. "You claim to know me. So I have a question for you: do you know why I saved you?"

Ashildr took a couple of steps back. She did know the stories. She had seen the Doctor’s rage, the fury that would lead him to destroy whole planets, when necessary. But on Gallifrey, his quiet demeanour was more feared than everything else. Especially after he had banished the President and High Council. “You read my journals, Doctor. Any answer to that question, you should have discovered there.”

The Doctor huffed again while he raised his eyebrows and pursed his lips in a mock pout. "Oh, Me, you understand nothing. I would think given that you've very nearly caught up with my age, you would know more...” He shook his head. "I wasn't talking about saving Ashildr. I was talking about when I saved _you_ from the end of the Universe."

Or if he was honest, saved the end of the Universe from her. But that's another story.

Me looked surprised for a moment, but quickly recovered. “You didn’t.”

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. “Didn’t I? I believe you had five minutes left.”

She shook her head. “I sent you in the TARDIS to tell Clara what you were planning.”

“And I didn’t stop you from following. Why do you think I did that, hmmm?”

She raised her chin in an attempt to be defiant. “I haven’t the faintest.”

The Doctor smirked. “Really? You claim to know me so well, to know the stories of ‘The Doctor’. You clearly haven’t been paying attention if you don’t know.”

She huffed. “Stories don’t mean anything unless they were true at some point. My journals are filled with all the reasons you should hate me. And there are stories of the things you did to people who have done far less to you, than what I had done.”

“What you have done? And what might that be?”

“Don’t try to be coy with me, Doctor. Either you remember or you don’t.”

His voice turned dark and cold at that. “You mean remember that you worked with the Time Lords and in an attempt to trick me, the life of my friend was lost? I remember enough. When did you go to Gallifrey? Hmm? Because when I left you, you told me that the Time Lords promised you that the Street would be safe if you did what they told you.... Oh...." He dropped all the over acting and frowned for a moment as realisation dawned. "They told you the street would be safe. They never told you how they would make the street safe. You weren't sustaining that reality bubble, were you?”

The Doctor had thrown too much information at Ashildr at once. She wasn’t sure what to say. “When they told me the street would be safe, I failed to specify a length of time. Their promise of safety lasted until they learned that there was a Dalek on my street. Then they returned. Destroyed everything on the street.”

The Doctor didn’t rise to her guilt-bait. He had no reason to feel responsible for anything that happened. Had Ashildr been less arrogant and told him what was going on, he could have saved them all. Probably would have. Already then, he was too old to operate in terms of friends or enemies. He operated on mercy – just like he had shown Davros. He had a reason that he had asked her to give the man a merciful death.

He shook himself out of his thoughts and scoffed. “That wasn’t your failure. Your failure was thinking you could ever negotiate with Rassilon. You put yourself into a no-win situation. So, they came back, destroyed the Street... And what did they do with you? I highly doubt they thought that was enough punishment for you. So, what did they do to you?”

Me hung her head for a long time. When she looked back up at him – well had it been anyone else, the Doctor imagined there would have been tears. Not on Me, though. She sighed. “You’re right. The reality bubble wasn’t my doing. It was theirs.”

The Doctor nodded once, to encourage her to continue.

“I had heard the stories about you: the Oncoming Storm and the Destruction of the Universe. I knew the violence you were capable of. You had even threatened me. But I also knew what you had done for Blon Fel-Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen. You gave her a new start. You had even done that with the Family of Blood, though they probably didn’t see it as such. As you had asked of me so long ago, now, you showed mercy. Your fellow Time Lords didn’t have much of that.”

He pressed his lips together, almost sadly. “No, they don’t.” But he let her continue.

“When they came to destroy the Street, they took me prisoner. Made me watch. Told me I was an abomination. Then they set me as a guardian. Forced me to live as they once had: a sentinel, who would never interfere. And to ensure I wouldn’t, they put me in the reality bubble.”

The Doctor swallowed thickly. “So when you said you were watching the stars die…”

“It was because I couldn’t do anything else. I was trapped in the bubble. Only allowed to move about twenty feet in any direction. They had the Wraiths bring me my meals.”

The Doctor cocked one eyebrow. “You’re lucky they fed you at all.”

“Occasionally others would come. The Guardians. The other Immortals.”

“Explains the chess set. The Guardians always did like a good game of chess. I suppose after practically everyone was gone, they had to settle for the board, rather than the universe.”

She offered a grim sort of smile. “It took me billions of years before I met them. You met them before you were even one-thousand.”

He shrugged and offered a smile that came far too easy. It was fake, of course. “Ah, well, you know me. I’m just lucky like that.”

She shook her head. “You don’t have to pretend with me.”

Well, she made it clear it was time to change tactics. “So, you’ve kidnapped my TARDIS and literally dragged us here. Why?”

“Clara is gone.”

He raised his eyebrow, unsure how to parse that statement.

“She… went back to Gallifrey...”

The Doctor narrowed his eyes. He should feel something about that. He knows he should, but he can’t. There’s just… nothing there. He knew what ‘Clara returned to Gallifrey’ meant. “It hasn’t been that long… You’ve had this whole glorious universe to play in. And I know it hasn’t been that long, because a crisis hasn’t been created yet.”

He was trying to make light of it. However, he was very serious. He had fully expected the two of them to get up to some kind of trouble.

Ashildr sighed heavily. “It was nearly a hundred years for us.”

“Oh.” The Doctor hung his head, unsure what else to say. “And you haven’t found anyone else?”

She shook her head. “That’s not what I want.”

The Doctor tilted his head. He was confused. “Then what do you want?”

“I’m ready. You made me immortal and I want you to end it.”

The Doctor took a step back in horror. “Ashildr, I can’t.”

“You can. There must be away. All you have to do is take the repair kit out. I’ll go back to being mortal. I’m not asking you to kill me.”

“That’s _exactly_ what you’re asking me to do! You’ve clearly not read your diaries recently. You may have forgotten what you wrote, but I haven’t: ‘I am not brave enough to die, to let go of this wretched life. I will endure’.”

“Doctor, we’ve had this discussion before. I’m older than you at this point.”

The Doctor huffed. “Not nearly.”

At this point to him, he would only think someone was as old as him if they died as much as he had and he wouldn’t wish that on his worst enemy. He wasn’t even sure he had ‘worst enemies’ at this point. There were those who tried to kill others, but they weren’t enemies, exactly. They just needed to be put right. Even then, she wasn’t yet older than him. She had about a thousand years to go.

She frowned at him. “You locked me inside this life, Doctor, you owe it to me to release me.”

He sighed and hung his head. “I only wanted to save your life.”

“Well. You can do that now, by releasing me from this prison.”

The Doctor shook his head. “No. If you want that, you have a TARDIS. Go back to your Reality Bubble and wait for the end.”

She smirked at him. “I tried that. This TARDIS wouldn’t go there.”

“You’ve been after a ride in my TARDIS for a long time. This isn’t a good way to go about it.”

“I don’t care about TARDISes any more. You’re a Time Lord. Tell me: when does my end come?”

He snorted. “If you are ready for the end, then you would have found a way. I told you, but you clearly lack the ability to understand.”

Me pulled a face. “Told me what?”

“’You're immortal, not indestructible. You can be hurt, killed even.’ But you were too busy showing off for that information to sink in.”

“You hate me, I deserve that much.”

He scoffed. “At this point in my life, I’ve moved beyond hatred. That doesn’t mean I won’t exact justice on those who deserve it, but hatred doesn’t really exist for me now.”

“Then what do you call this animosity you have towards me?”

“Oh, I don’t like you much. And there are a lot of things you’ve done that have angered me, but that’s not hatred.” No, the Doctor only hated himself. He might talk about hating the likes of the Time Lords. But mostly, he found hatred to be petty at this point. “I told you, back when we first met, that I would mourn for you. I was right.”

She just looked at him with a confused expression for some long minutes. “I don’t understand.”

“Most people don’t.” He paused for a moment, debating how to explain it. Finally he let out a heavy sigh. “You let everything that Ashildr was die. Including her name. I mourn for her. And I mourn for you. Because even with all your wisdom, you don’t know what it means to be human.”

“And you would know.”

Rumours of the Doctor’s heritage had been long speculated. But if anyone knew anything about Time Lord Society back then, well… they really should know better. He huffed, in reply. The truth was actually much more sentimental. “You asked me why I spent so much time on Earth. Would it surprise you that I spend all that time, because it was the last place I saw my granddaughter? It was her home far more than it was mine. I suppose I keep returning in the hopes of seeing her again.”

Me raised an eyebrow. “I thought all Time Lords were recalled to Gallifrey…”

“They were.” He interrupted, a bit briskly. “But there’s always hope. If I return to Earth on the right day, at the right time, there’s a chance I might at least catch a glimpse of her.”

“Sentiment.”

“Perhaps. But that is something that the Time Lords who remained on Gallifrey never understood. For all of their Time-abilities, they never understood that in some ways we never die.”

“You wanted to, though. After the Time War. Admit it.”

“I had committed genocide twice over. I shouldn’t have survived what happened anyway.”

“Then it should be easy to understand what I want.”

He nodded once, very slowly. “I also understand what it means to have come through that.

“So, you won’t help me after all.”

The Doctor shook his head. “I already told you I wouldn’t. Not with that. But I will tell you this much: Dying is an ability. And one day, when you are ready, you’ll remember how to do it.”

Me frowned at the Doctor for a long moment and then entered her TARDIS. He watched as it dematerialised. He sighed heavily and entered his own, since he had work he had to return to. He returned the TARDIS to her spot on Darillium. On the way back, he ran some additional security programs to prevent the TARDIS from being stolen again. He had grown lax when Gallifrey had been gone and it was time to strengthen them again. He exited and went to check on River.

River was in the kitchen when the Doctor entered the house. She had heard a strange noise and had made it to the kitchen in time to see the TARDIS vanish. But she could tell it hadn’t dematerialised. She was still standing there in shock when it had returned. A part of her wanted to be angry with the Doctor, but she took one look at him and knew something not good had happened. She said nothing as she wrapped him in her arms.

The Doctor willingly accepted the embrace and River could feel it as a great deal of the tension seemed to drain from him. She helped him into a chair. “I’ll get some tea.”

The Doctor shook his head. “Something stronger?”

River offered a small smile and nodded. She returned to the table a few moments later with a bottle of brandy and two glasses. She poured one for the Doctor before pouring another for herself. Then she pulled a chair to be close to him and sat down. They silently sipped their drinks for a few minutes. Finally the Doctor spoke. “Clara returned to Gallifrey. Returned to her death.”

River gasped quietly. The Doctor didn’t do well with endings. “Did you…?”

He shook his head. “A… mutual friend… told me.”

“This friend is quite powerful if they were able to kidnap the TARDIS.”

The Doctor shrugged. “She had a TARDIS. It’s a long story and I don’t want to tell all of it right now. But she died to save her town. I found a way to save her, but it made her effectively immortal. She asked me to…. undo that.”

Now River gently wrapped an arm across the Doctor’s shoulders. While there were worlds out there that called the Doctor a warrior, she knew such a request would be difficult for him. “Did you?”

He shook his head. “She had said in a journal once that she was not brave enough to die. So I told her that dying was an ability and she would be able to when she was ready.”

River chuckled wryly. “I’m sure that went over well.”

“She got in her TARDIS and left.”

“She’s a Time Lord?”

The Doctor shook his head. “No, but she had the TARDIS I used to escape Gallifrey the last time.”

“You’re worried about her. What she’ll do.”

He shrugged one shoulder. “I always have, ever since I saved her.”

They fell into silence for a few moments, sipping their drinks. Finally, River stood and offered her hand to him. “Come on.”

He furrowed his brows at her. “Where?”

“You need some rest. I could do with a kip too.” She reached down and took his hand.

He sighed heavily but followed her to their bedroom. River shooed him to the bathroom and to change while she turned down the bed. Then they both climbed into bed and River wrapped her arms around him. She smiled as she felt more of his tension slip away. He murmured a ‘thank you’ as he drifted to sleep.


	26. Chapter 26

The Doctor’s encounter with Me had an unexpected, and quite undesirable, impact upon him. While the nap that River had ordered him to take had done some good, the next few days, the Doctor was on edge and jumpy. It wasn’t too different from the weeks he had spent hiding on the TARDIS before he found River.  This change made working on the Loom practically impossible. So, he took to taking walks around Darillium and just exploring things in that way. It didn’t calm him as much as he hoped. 

When he returned from a walk one day, River was sitting in the kitchen and watching him expectantly as he entered. He frowned, sensing something was wrong. “River?”

River looked up at him, as if startled out of her memories. She offered a smile. “Doctor. Sit down.”

She patted the table at the space next to her. He joined her at the table, but her tone put him more on edge, so he was a bit stiff and didn’t lean in close to her. When she remained silent for what felt like an uncomfortable amount of time, the Doctor finally spoke. “River? What is it?”

River looked at him for a moment longer. “I… There’s a lot about my past that I don’t know. There’s a lot that I’m sure the silence took.” She paused for a moment. And then met the Doctor’s eyes. “There’s a part of me that wants to know. And the other part of me is terrified.”

The Doctor frowned. “What brought this on?”

River shrugged. “It’s hard to explain. But I can feel things. I know they’re not my feelings. I know they’re yours. And…”

“…And?...”

“Do you ever feel like we’re out of balance? Like you know more about me than I do about you? Or maybe I know more about you than you do about me. I just… I know things are missing, I just don’t know if that affects the bond or if you can see things and know things that I can’t."

The Doctor reached out and rested his hand on top of hers. It was a small gesture of support. But River turned her hand over and clung to his with a vice-grip.

“River, that’s not really how the bond works. I’m sorry you’ve been able to pick up on so much. You’re stronger than I thought.”

She frowned at him. “Don’t stop it, though. I…. I like it. I just…”

The Doctor shook his head once to show he was confused.

“What can you sense of me? Do you know things I don’t?”

The Doctor raised his hand to cup the side of River’s face and then he placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. “That’s not how the bond works. I’ve been out of sorts and it’s been along time since I’ve been bonded like this. I haven’t been paying attention to it. I’m sorry if it hurt you.”

She shook her head. “You haven’t…”

He moved his chair closer to her. “I have, though. I didn’t think. I didn’t pay attention to you or what I was receiving through the bond and I didn’t think about what I might be sending through the bond.”

River huffed and her annoyance was clear. “Doctor will you shut up for a minute? I need to say this.”

The Doctor clicked his jaw shut and nodded his head once. River took a calming sigh. “The Silence. They took away so many of my memories. Sometimes I wish I knew. Sometimes I wish I didn’t. And sometimes I wish you could know without my knowing. Because I think my lack of knowledge makes us unbalanced.”

The Doctor pursed his lips slightly. “I went across the whole of time and space deleting any information about myself. I think we’re pretty well balanced.”

River shook her head. “It’s not the same. If you wanted to share anything with me, you could. It’s still in your head.” She held up her hand. “Except for Clara, but you know how to piece even that together. I don’t even have enough to be able to do that much.”

He squeezed her hand again. “River what is this really about?”

“A part of me wants to know what happened. The other part wants to hide from that forever. A part of me wants you to know everything. The other part is afraid you might hate me if you ever learned the truth.”

He adjusted himself so he could wrap his arms around her. “If I were to hate anyone for what happened, I would hate myself for not saving you sooner.”

“You know you couldn’t have. Even if you wanted to. And I know, because I know you tried. You saved me in every way you possibly could. I couldn’t ask for more. And you always find ways to give me more.”

He rested his head against the side of hers. The gesture not quite as intimate for Time Lords as when they rested both of their foreheads together, but the comfort he sent through the bond, he hoped would do the rest. In the quiet of that moment, an idea came to the Doctor. “There may be a way to have both.”

River turned her head so she could look at the Doctor. “What do you mean?”

“Well, when it comes to Clara, the TARDIS refuses to give me very much information. There might be a way to use the TARDIS as a conduit. You wouldn’t necessarily need to learn anything you’re not ready to, but the TARDIS could make sure I learned everything you want me to.”

“How would that work?”

The Doctor swallowed, because he knew such things were difficult for River. “We could use the telepathic interface.”

“Like… we did when we found mother and father.”

The Doctor nodded. “Similar. Both of us would be using the interface. The TARDIS could search your memories for anything important and send them to me. You wouldn’t have to know anything unless you wanted to.”

“I… didn’t even know such a thing was possible…”

The Doctor huffed slightly. “Time Lords. Someone was always trying to control our telepathic nature. So a lot of tools and processes were developed around it.”

River sighed quietly. “So the option is always there. I don’t have to decide right now?”

The Doctor shook his head. “You have a lot of choices, River. But whatever you decide is entirely up to you and I will respect whatever decision you make.”

“I think I liked it better when you took charge of the situation and decided everything for everyone.”

He smirked and hugged her just a little bit tighter. “New body, new rules.”

River couldn’t suppress the small chuckle that escaped her. “I hate you.”

“No you don’t.”

 

* * *

 

It was about a week later when the Doctor came rushing into the kitchen whilst carrying a strange looking device. “River? River! I figured it out!”

River spoke as she came into the kitchen. “Doctor? What is it? Did you hurt yourself hitting the bin lid again?”

The Doctor pulled a reproachful expression. There was a story behind her statement that they were not going to get into again. It wasn’t worth it, besides he was too excited about his device. “Look!”

River raised her eyebrow at the object in the Doctor’s hand. It looked like a bulb with three funnels. On one end the funnel pointed outward and looked like it connected to a needle. On the other, two funnels were connected lip to lip, so that the wide part of one was on the outside of the device and it would pour into the other which opened into the bulb that seemed to be a storage compartment of something. “It looks… interesting.”

The Doctor shook his head at her, he couldn’t believe she didn’t understand his excitement. “It’s the cluneksive – the Shuttle! For the Loom!”

River’s other eyebrow joined the first. Now both were near her hairline. “Doesn’t look much like a shuttle.”

The Doctor shrugged. “I had to get creative. The point is, this should work. Of course, there’s no way to test it, without testing it….”

“Doctor, that has got to be the least romantic way anyone has asked me for sex. Ever. I’ve dated androids, so that’s a pretty low mark.”

The tips of the Doctor’s ears turned the slightest shade pink. This was to River’s great amusement. He spluttered a little. “I-I didn’t mean we had to do that _now_! I’m just saying I w-won’t know if it works until we _do_.”

He pursed his lips and waited to see if that appeased River well enough. She laughed softly and allowed the grin she had been trying to hold in to cross her lips. “Congratulations, Husband, and I do look forward to testing it.”

She leaned over to kiss him gently on the lips. It was nothing overly suggestive, nor was it an invitation. It was, however, a promise. The Doctor returned the promise, as much as he could, while keeping a careful hold on the precious device. Then he offered a grin. “Right. I should put this somewhere safe, so it’s ready when we are.”

With that he fled the kitchen and went to the bedroom. Selecting the proper place for the device was the hardest part. It would have to be close enough to get the most energy when it was at its peak and far enough away to not get jostled or damaged in the process of creating said energy. He smirked at that. He suspected given how careful they had been recently that this could get rather enthusiastic. Not that he’d mind. They still would have to be purposeful in directing the energy and that could be tricky in the moment. They would have to practice.

The problem was how they should practice. If River had gone to the Academy or been born on Gallifrey, it would be easy. But given her experience with The Silence and what she had said last week, the Doctor wasn’t sure what the best approach should be. He went to the Fort and sat cross-legged on the bed. He rested his hands on his knees and breathed calmly trying to think of the best method.

A memory surfaced of a game he and Koschei used to play when they first met at the Academy. They would create a ball of energy and not absorb it, but play catch with it. Sometimes, in the process of throwing it back and forth, they would allow it to get bigger like when a snowball turns into the base of a snowman. Other times, they would keep it as small as possible but be sitting at greater distances to make it challenging. What they hadn’t learned until much later was that they had been using regeneration energy to create the ball.

He didn’t like that idea. It was a much higher risk than he was willing to take with River. But then, she liked risk and it would be added incentive for her to do it right, since she knew the risk if she didn’t.

He breathed in and out again, in order to clear his mind of those thoughts. If he could find a different way to do it, he should. Every time he tried, though, his memories flashed to the two boys at play. It wasn’t always the same game, but it was always the Doctor and Koschei. After another twenty minutes the Doctor gave up. He was probably trying too hard and nothing good ever came from that.

He sighed heavily and lay back on the bed. He took a moment to rub his face and then stretched. He must have been meditating longer than he thought. That or thoughts of the Master were making him tense. Either way, he needed a moment to just lay here and know that he was in the Fort in their house on Darillium. Everything would work out, if only because it had to work out for all of their sakes. Once he was ready to move again, he stood and made his way out.

River was in her chair in the library nook. He smiled at her a bit sheepishly. She slowly closed her book and set it aside. “I know nothing pressing is wrong, but you’re not exactly happy either.”

The Doctor shrugged and moved to his own chair to join her. He was quiet for a long moment. “Getting the energy into the cluneksive could be dangerous for you. And teaching you how to make it not be as dangerous could be dangerous.”

“Sweetie, I’m not a fool nor incapable of making my own decisions.”

“I know you’re not. I just… A part of me wants to practice and the other part of me thinks we just go headlong.”

“Since I’m the one who will suffer the effects, why don’t you explain it to me and let me decide?”

The Doctor pursed his lips in thought. “Promise me you’ll hear out all of the options before you make a decision?”

River nodded and held up her hand with her pinky finger extended. “Pinky swear.”

The Doctor rolled his eyes but smirked. He extended his pinky finger as well and they used their pinkies to ‘shake’ on it.

They both settled back into their chairs and River looked expectantly at the Doctor. He nodded once and began. “There’s the direct way: we try it and see what happens.”

River looked slightly confused. “Try what?”

Oh right. Might help if he started at the beginning. “The cluneksive can hold the energy, but it has to get inside of it somehow. I’ve tested it a few times with a little bit of regeneration energy just to make sure it works. It does, but it takes a lot of focus to send the energy to the right place. I don’t know if I’ll be capable of that level of focus, when the energy is… being released.”

He sounded like a damned teenager. He should be better at explaining these things by now. River smirked. “Well, if I’m doing my part right, you should be distracted.”

He just gave her a look for a long moment, before snorting in amusement. “I really shouldn’t be encouraging you. But distraction is exactly why it could be dangerous for you. I’m not sure it would be good for you to absorb any more energy.”

River nodded. “All right, and the second option?”

The Doctor shrugged. “Practice.”

River’s grin broadened again. “Practice can be quite fun. Remember all the fun we used to have ‘practising’?”

“See? This is why I shouldn’t encourage you.” He held a hand up to stop her from saying more. “Back in my early days of the Academy, Koschei and I would play this game. We’d create this little ball of energy and play ‘hot potato’ – we would pass it between each other, but never catch it. We didn’t know at the time, but it was a little ball of regeneration energy. I was thinking that might be a safer way for you and I to practice. I could make a ball of regeneration energy and you could practice with it. The goal would be to not catch it, but then learn how to direct it into the Shuttle.”

River just looked at the Doctor for a long beat. “My idea of practice is a lot more fun.”

The Doctor shrugged. “I’m sure if anyone could come up with a way to make it fun, you could.”

“And the goal of either of these methods is to ensure that we can direct the energy into the Shuttle when we’re not necessarily in the clearest frame of mind to accomplish it.”

The Doctor nodded. “If you practice something enough, muscle memory would hopefully take over. It would be an automatic response that if you feel the energy coming at you to direct it to the cluneksive.”

River nodded. “And if we don’t practice there’s a greater chance that all of the energy will go into me and possibly make the cancer worse.”

It was his turn to nod. He didn’t really need to say anything else. She had a firm grasp of the situation.   For her part, River was silent for a long few minutes. Then she offered a grin. “Well. There’s no reason why we can’t make practice a little bit interesting and perhaps a bit more fun.”

The Doctor’s expression told River that he wasn’t convinced and that he was a little confused at the same time. She stood, walked to his chair, leaned over, and placed a gentle kiss to his lips. “For me to know and you to find out, Sweetie.”

With that, she headed to the bedroom. She retrieved the Shuttle and then took it with her. As she headed to the Fort she turned to face the Doctor with a little hooked finger inviting him to follow.

The Doctor sat for a few minutes, mostly because he wasn’t sure he wanted to follow, but finally curiosity got the better of him. When he entered the Fort, the Shuttle was sitting on a side table and River was sitting cross-legged on the bed. The Doctor moved to sit on the bed across from her in a similar style. River raised an eyebrow at him and he returned one to her. Finally she sighed. “So how do we start?”

“I assume this means you want to practice?”

She nodded. “I want to know how it works and then we’ll see if I can come up with a way to make it fun.”

“I have no doubt you’ll be able to do that.”

He smiled at her and then closed his eyes. After a few moments, the Doctor started to shake and rotate one of his hands. The hand started to glow. He looked down at it and smiled. Then he looked at River. “Now remember, the goal here is not to catch it. You should aim it into the Shuttle.”

River nodded that she understood. The Doctor flicked his fingers and a small ball of energy escaped and started to travel to River. She gasped and looked scared for a moment. She then closed her eyes and the ball of energy dissipated against something that looked like a force field.

The Doctor ginned. “You’re quick!”

She frowned and shook her head. “I didn’t get it into the shuttle. I… I don’t know what I did.”

The Doctor nodded. “Took me days to learn what you did. But, basically you created a shield around yourself to protect yourself from the energy. Now, instead of the shield dissipating the energy, we need to work on making it reflective. So you can aim the energy where you want it to go after it bounces off of the shield.

River nodded. “Can we try the shield thing a few more times first? Because I don’t think I did it right. I didn’t know what I did. It might make it easier to control later if I know how this feels.”

The Doctor smiled. “Sure that’s easy. I’m ready when you are.”

River raised a hand. “Wait. You said this was regeneration energy, right? Won’t this… I don’t know… waste it or something?”

The Doctor smirked and shook his head. “It’s not actually using much. Worst case, I’ll be missing a finger or a toe later on. Maybe end up a few inches shorter. Come to think of it, that might explain my Seventh body.”

River smirked. “The short one who played the spoons?”

The Doctor nodded. “The same. So, you see? Nothing so bad. Ready?”

She adjusted herself and then nodded. The same thing happened again, with the energy dissipating. After about ten or fifteen rounds, River felt she had control of her shield. She bit her lip as she thought of how to approach things. “Okay, the next step. How do I make it bounce?”

“Good question. Maybe think of it less of a shield and more like one of those bouncy castles?”

She maintained a straight face for all of two seconds before she burst out laughing at the Doctor’s suggestion. He was confused about why she was laughing so hard. “Sorry, Doctor. Just… you with that face and saying ‘bouncy castle’…” She collapsed against the bed as her fit of giggles continued.

He joined in, chuckling softly. She had a point. Besides, it was hard not to laugh when she did. But, because he didn’t find it quite as funny as she did, he recovered first. “Very well, Professor Song, whenever you’re ready, you clearly have the right image in your mind.”

This practice wasn’t as consistent. Sometimes the energy dissipated, sometimes the energy bounced back. When he could, the Doctor absorbed the energy back into himself. Other times, he would bounce it back to her like a tennis match. This part took a bit longer for River to control. But she eventually got it to be consistent and then it really did become like a tennis match. They would bounce the ball of energy back and forth simply to see how long they could keep it up. Every once in awhile, the Doctor would aim his bounce at the Shuttle, just to show River what the ultimate goal would be.

River started to try to aim her bounces, but the energy ended up going into all sorts of strange places. She frowned – almost pouted. “I should sit where you are. It would make it easier to aim.”

The Doctor shook his head. “It’s not a ball in the regular sense. You just have to think about where you want it to go.”

Her frown deepened. “I don’t understand.”

The Doctor moved off the bed and stood in the corner of the room that would make it the most difficult for him to aim the energy into the cluneksive, if the energy were a normal object. He even turned his back to the Shuttle. He gestured that River should move slightly so she could bounce the energy back to him so he could demonstrate. He aimed the energy at her, she bounced it back to him, and he bounced it into the Shuttle, fairly easily.

She was annoyed at how easy it was for him. “See? How did you do that?”

“Well, practice for one. But for another, this doesn’t obey normal laws of physics. Your mind controls it more than anything.”

“So you’re saying I just need to think about where I want it to go and it will obey me?”

The Doctor thought about it for a moment. “That’s probably the easiest explanation. The more complex version is that it has something to do with how we’re bonded. To an extent, my energy will obey your commands because of what we share.”

River gasped as realisation hit her. “That’s why when…”

The Doctor looked confused. “When what?”

“Well one of the times… I felt compelled to invite the energy into me and it seemed to obey.”

The Doctor nodded. “Yes, like that. Only this time, you’ll be telling the energy where to go.”

River nodded. “Okay.”

The Doctor tilted his head and really looked at River for a moment. “You’re getting tired, we should stop for now.”

“I don’t want to. I feel fine.”

He arched an eyebrow at her. “River, really. You can only learn so much at a time and we’ve gotten much further than I thought we would this first session. Pushing yourself won’t make you better at it.”

She sighed but nodded. “All right. It’s nearly suppertime anyway. I’ll go make something up. You should rest. You’re the one using up all your energy.”

The Doctor actually felt okay. He needed a mental break from what they had been doing, but he didn’t feel tired. “No, I’ll come help. It will go faster, but we’ll save any more practice for tomorrow.”

River nodded. “Good, that will give me enough time to come up with a way to make it fun.”

The Doctor chuckled. “I’m surprised you haven’t come up with a dozen ideas already.”

River looked over her shoulder and offered a wicked kind of grin. “Who says I haven’t?”


	27. Chapter 27

It took the Doctor about a week before he felt confident enough to let River try anything more than little games. He wanted to protect her from the energy as much as possible. During that time, River had shared her many and varied ways to make things ‘fun’ to the amusement and enjoyment of the Doctor.

He knew he couldn’t put the ‘real thing’ off forever. And he decided tonight would be the night. Still, River’s comment about him asking her for sex in a manner worse than an android played in the back of his mind. He decided to take her to the little cafe that wasn’t too far from their home. They had talked about eating there several times since they had seen it several months ago, but this would be the first time they went. It wasn’t much more than a nook of a place, but it was comfortable and the food was quite good.

After dinner, the pair walked arm in arm back to the house. The Doctor was nervous which, given all that had changed for them during the past nearly two years, was utterly ridiculous. In some ways, he knew that this body would probably never really enjoy touch. But it was more than that. This time, two lives and five hearts hung in the balance. There was a lot at stake. River picked up on the Doctor’s anxiety. She had grown to understand this new personality. He was a constant contradiction in terms. She knew he felt things more deeply than he could ever express in words, but so often his thoughts and actions said everything he couldn’t.

They stopped when they got to the door, but before the Doctor could open it, River cupped his cheek and placed a small kiss to his lips. “Thank you for dinner.”

He smiled and nodded as he proceeded to open the door. Her action did little to calm him. She waited until they were in the bedroom. She considered her husband for a long moment. He was a man driven by purpose. She didn’t doubt his love for her. Yet, when it came to physical intimacy, it was still difficult for him. Especially when he put the amount of pressure on himself that she knew he was doing right now.

She knew he wanted to be the one in the lead, but she also knew just how rubbish he was at this sort of thing. She therefore tried to make it easier on him. “Whatever does or doesn’t happen tonight, it’s fine. You know that right?”

His cheek pulsed slightly as he clinched his teeth momentarily as he considered her question. “No. I really _hope_ that.”

She started to undress. “Sweetie, like everything, this will go much better if you stay in the moment.”

He moved towards her and stilled her hands by covering them with his own. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“We’ve practised as much as we could. Both of us are as ready as we can possibly be. So, you need to stop thinking about that and focus on something else….”

With that, she slid out of the frock she had been wearing. The Doctor swallowed. “And… what else would I focus on?”

“Well, I thought I would serve as a suitable distraction.”

She raised an eyebrow at him. Her slip still covered most of her body, but it covered much less than her dress had. The Doctor simply nodded and swallowed again. River smirked and approached him. “I know you have to work at this. And I know you’re thinking about what you want to accomplish. Sweetie, let me worry about things tonight, all right?”

“It should be my job.”

River sighed softly. “Expressing our love for each other isn’t a job.”

She reached up and started to unbutton his waistcoat. “But I know for you this part can feel that way. And I know that ordering you to not think about such things will only make it worse. So I’m not going to ask that of you. I am going to ask you to focus on me and share this time with me.”

By this point, she had not only unbuttoned his waistcoat, but his shirt too. Then she slowly slid the whole assembly off his shoulders: jacket, waistcoat, and shirt. They sank to a small pile near his heels. He looked down at the pile and while he was distracted with that, River started on his belt. He didn’t pull away, but he did look up to meet her eyes. “I don’t deserve you.”

River smiled, leaned in, and gave him a quick gentle kiss that held a hint of a promise. “You’re right. You don’t. But I don’t think I deserve you either, so it works out well enough.”

He chuckled softly in reply. And a moment later, he felt his trousers slide down his legs. He looked down and looked up again. “That was silly.”

River looked confused. “What was?”

“Should have taken off my shoes first.”

For a beat the pair just looked at each other and then burst into giggles. This time, he leaned in to kiss her and then wrapped his arms around her as he pulled them both towards the bed. They kissed and caressed each other in that way until having his legs tied down by the trousers became too much. Then they moved around, River took care of one boot and the Doctor the other. It was more work than either expected. When they were finally done, the Doctor was leaning back against his elbows on the bed, pouting slightly. River grew concerned when she looked at him. “Sweetie? What’s wrong?”

The pout lasted a moment longer. “I’ve forgotten where we were.”

River smiled and pressed on his chest until he was lying properly on the bed. “I think we were right about here…”

She leaned in and started to kiss him again. He could only hum in reply. Now that he had more freedom of movement, he allowed his hands to wander a bit. River started to wiggle more than was necessary, which confused the Doctor. “What are you doing?”

“Not so gracefully trying to get out of my slip.”

“Leave it on?"

River pulled back to look at him. “What?”

He shrugged one shoulder. “I like it, leave it on.”

A small grin appeared on her lips. “Oh, Sweetie, are you getting a fetish?”

He shrugged again offering a smirk of his own. “I don’t know. Leave it on and we’ll find out…”

River nodded as she leaned back in. “I can work with that.”

The Doctor couldn’t pinpoint what he liked about the piece of cloth this time. He had seen it before and they had even gotten this far into things, but this time, he just liked how it felt. It was strange, but he wasn’t going to question it. It felt good. It excited him.

River was certainly not going to discourage him, not when he had found something he liked. It wasn’t long before the Doctor was naked and they had somehow gotten River out of everything except the slip, which the Doctor found very pleasing. River was glad she had been able to distract him from anything that would make him nervous about what they were attempting to do tonight.

It didn’t take much for either of them since they had been careful until now and neither had really gotten properly into things in such a long time. The Doctor tried to warn River when the energy was about to be released, but it happened much quicker than he anticipated. Luckily they had practised enough that River instinctively repelled the energy…

…It went right over the Doctor’s shoulder – coming far too close to his head for his liking. River looked a bit horrified at what had happened. He looked over his shoulder and at the wall that was now glowing with energy. He looked back down at her and how worried she looked and he couldn’t help it. He burst out laughing. She looked aghast. So he felt like he should say something. “Apparently, we need to work on your aim.”

“Shut-up. I could have killed you!”

The Doctor moved so that he could hold River in his arms. “It would have stung a little, but it’s my energy, it would have been all right.”

He looked down their bodies and at the wall. “The wall on the other hand, will need some patching and probably a paint job.”

She huffed as she looked over at him. “I hate you.”

“No you don’t.” He whispered it as he leaned in to kiss her temple. He paused for a moment to give her some space before he continued. “We’ll try again. At least your instincts are working the way we want them too. We just need something so we can stick the Shuttle over there.”

River nestled down against his chest. “Does it… waste it when that happens?”

He frowned as he considered the answer. “Not waste, no. But there are levels of purity. I’d like to try to capture the most pure energy we can.”

She didn’t like that answer, but only sighed, feeling somewhat defeated. “How long do we have to wait?”

“I don’t know. A couple of hours? A day tops.”

“You don’t sound sure.”

“Nothing about this is sure, River. Everything is an experiment. But, I do have a little bit of experience with my energy and how it works. Just trust me where that is concerned, okay?”

She nodded and nestled into him again.

A few minutes later, River was asleep. The Doctor was wide-awake. He needed to figure out a way to make this work. The life of the woman he held in his arms depended on it. On cue, she shifted and murmured. “Doctor, hush, you’re thinking too loud again.”

That made him smile. He leaned down and kissed her curls. “Sorry.” He wasn’t really sorry, but he was glad that River didn’t waken more than that.

He waited an hour. He wanted to make sure she was really asleep. Then he got up, put on a few clothes, made his way to the TARDIS, and started to look for a way to affix the cluneksive to the wall. When he was satisfied with the small shelf he had created, he went back to the bedroom. He sighed with relief when he noticed that River was still asleep. Good. He was tired. He climbed back into bed, gathered her in his arms, and went to sleep.

A few hours later, he was awakened by the smell of breakfast. Just as he was about to get up, River entered the room carrying a tray. The Doctor smiled as he noticed she was still wearing the slip and it clung to all the right places. She set the tray across his lap and then climbed into bed next to him.

“Bit early for breakfast in bed… not that I’m ungrateful.”

She smiled and reached over for a strip of bacon. “Bit late for a midnight snack. Besides, I figured we could use an energy recharge.”

“That’s not really how it works.”

“I didn’t mean just for you. I want to be well-ready.”

“Ready? For what?”

River grinned. “Round Two.”

The Doctor looked at her and chuckled. “Well, if you keep moving the way you do in that, it might be sooner than you think.”

She offered a mock-gasp. “Doctor, did you just make a pass at me?”

Sometimes he really couldn’t read his wife. “If you want it to be?” It was said slowly, with all the uncertainty of a schoolboy.

She just leaned over and gave him a peck on the cheek. “Don’t ever change, Sweetie.”

They finished the meal and River took the items back into the kitchen. While she was doing that, the Doctor affixed the shuttle to the wall over the spot where there was now a distinct hole in the wall from where the energy had entered the wall. The Doctor hoped if River could get her aim even close, the shuttle should be able to capture enough energy. That done, he took off the few clothes he had put on to go to the TARDIS and climbed back under the covers to wait for River.

She joined him under the covers a few minutes later. She smirked when she realised he was naked. “Ready again?”

He shook his head and just stared at her for a long moment. It hit him suddenly that he was saving her only so that she could die at the Library and he suddenly felt like the most dishonest and terrible person in the whole universe. River reached out and cupped his cheek. “Sweetie?”

“It’s nothing… I just…” He pulled back enough so he could take in all of her features. “Can I just look at you for a bit?”

River smiled gently. “You look at me all the time. Don’t think I haven’t noticed.”

The tips of the Doctor’s ears went the slightest shade pink. He swallowed. Then he slowly sat up for a minute, his back against the headboard. “Will you move to sit in front of me? There’s something I want to try.”

River obliged him. He always got into the strangest mood after having a moment like the one she had just witnessed. She assumed it had to do with the fact that the stories she’d found always said this would be their last night together. But she knew better than to pry. It was better to just remind him of that they were here and now. They weren’t in the future or in the past.

She placed herself so that their knees were touching, thinking they would share a mental connection like they had before. Instead, the Doctor shook his head at her and gestured that she should sit back a couple of inches. Once she was in place, he spoke softly. “We’re just going to hold eye contact for a bit. And then, together we’ll decide what the next step should be.”

River knew that many cultures held eye contact in high regard and that doing this would be a different kind of intimacy than either of them had experienced in awhile. This wasn’t to say they never held eye contact. However, this held intentionality that hadn’t been experienced in some time.

They held eye contact for at least twenty minutes. Then the Doctor raised his hands to either side of River’s head. He raised one eyebrow slightly, an unspoken request for permission. She nodded once. This time, neither closed their eyes as mental contact was made. Somehow, the earlier lack of touch made this more powerful.

Neither pushed into the other’s mind. It was more like they were twisting and dancing around each other. Touching and caressing, but never blending. After this was experienced for some minutes, the Doctor spoke softly into River’s mind. “I have an idea…”

However, he lacked the words to express what he wanted to try, so he sent one image and one word through the link. River was curious. She didn’t quite understand the image, but she wasn’t against it. She trusted this man with her life. The level of intimacy this experience held already had her body aching to join with his. When she pulled the sheets back she saw the same was true for him. Now that the connection had been established, as long as they remained in physical contact, it would hold. Which made manoeuvring into positions, much easier.

The Doctor slid down the headboard so that he was lying more flatly. River slowly made her way up his body. She gently and slowly took his penis in her hand and lined it up with the entrance to her core. The point of this wasn’t to reach orgasm. Not yet. This was about connecting in a different way. She slowly sank down. The couple had their eyes locked on each other, barely even blinking. It took a few moments for each of them to control their breathing.

They brought their hands towards each other’s and rested them palm-to-palm. River moaned for a moment. “Sweetie, I nee…”

“No…” He cut her off gently. “It will pass, give it a minute.”

River had to close her eyes. Every fibre of her being wanted to move, but a part of her understood what the Doctor was doing. The Doctor intertwined their fingers on each hand. “River, open your eyes. Look at me, please.”

She took a breath and did as he requested. Then she realised that their fingers were entwined. She looked into his eyes and managed a smile. That was perfect, it was one of those smiles that the Doctor would memorise and cling to. That’s what he was doing now. Memorising every detail: the sights and smells of this moment, how River felt surrounding every part of his body. He needed this and he didn’t even know why.

They remained like that, staring into each other’s eyes, linked in every way they could be, and just accepted the moment for what it was. After about ten minutes had passed, River could stand it no longer. “Doctor, please…”

The Doctor only nodded. River slowly leaned forward and kissed the Doctor, then she sat up straight again, she started to rise along his length, experimentally. Then back down again. She did this several times. Each time, she seemed more sensitive than the last. It took a minute or so, but finally things were working in the manner familiar to her. At one point, the Doctor clung to her, sitting up as much as he was able and then flipped them so that she was under him. Then they were sliding against each other with much enthusiasm.

He had a bit more control this time and so he waited until River had her orgasm and a few moments to recover. But, it wasn’t very long before he knew he couldn’t hold off the inevitable. “River, I’m going to…”

“I’m ready, my love…”

The energy flowed out from him before she got a chance to finish her sentence. And she _was_ ready this time. She didn’t whack the energy away in shock this time. It was controlled. She only deflected it and aimed it towards the shuttle. She hoped it was enough, because she was suddenly under the full weight of an exhausted Time Lord.

She smiled down at her husband as she gently ran her fingers through his hair. It took a few minutes before he could do anything other than just lay there in the moment. Finally he looked up at his wife. “Did it work?”

“I… Did the best I could, but I think you’ll have to check it when you’re able.”

“Might be awhile.”

“It’s okay. We’ve got the rest of the night.”

The Doctor released a soft chuckle in reply. It didn’t ache this time to joke about their night on Darillium, possibly because he was too exhausted to think about it. River kissed the side of his head where she could reach. “We should probably get under the covers before we fall asleep.”

He hummed. But it sounded like he was well on his way to being asleep.

“Doctor? Those are your rules, not mine.”

He groaned but started to shift off the bed. If he was going to move anyway, he may as well check to see how things were. He more stumbled rather than walked towards the wall where the shuttle was. He smiled when he saw it. That gave him all the energy he needed to return to the bed and climb under the covers. River noticed. “I take it this means it worked?”

He grinned as he snuggled next to his wife. “It worked!”

They cuddled together and it was as if something huge that had been weighing the Doctor down since they found out about River’s diagnosis was lifted. Both husband and wife slept peacefully that night.


	28. Chapter 28

The TARDIS had a special containment box, into which the shuttle was placed to keep everything stable until they could return to the medical facility.

The joy that the Doctor had experienced the night they got the energy into the cluneksive was soon replaced with concern. He was used to… well, not being sure – he was never sure… but having convictions. Yes, he was a man of many convictions. The problem was, this time, in this case, he simply wanted assurances that everything would go as planned. It was a foolish desire. Anytime the Master was involved, the unknowns were too wild to guess.

It put him slightly on edge. But he was caught: he wasn’t ready to face the possibility of Missy lying – again. And he wasn’t ready to face what it would mean for his wife if this failed. Too much hung in the balance.

“Sweetie…?”

River’s voice gently broke into the Doctor’s thoughts. He looked around him and realised he had been sitting at his desk not actually doing anything for he didn’t know how long. He looked down, noticed he had held a test tube so tightly that it had broke in his bare hands, and the shards had cut into his skin. He couldn’t be sure if there had been any substances in the test tube or not.

River calmly approached him. She could see the blood oozing around his clenched hands, which is why she had tried to get his attention. Now that he opened his fingers she could see how bad it was. “I’ll get some bandages and tweezers, just stay put.”

“It’s fine.”

River scoffed. “It’s far from fine. Just let me do this.”

River was used to handling all sorts of injuries like this from her work on various digs. The Doctor sighed, but relented. He didn’t exactly want to drip blood everywhere. Besides, she had given him a look that told him not to move. So he didn’t.

She returned a few moments later with a small first aid kit, a few flannels, two bowls of water, and an extra empty bowl. She cleared the Doctor’s workspace, carefully putting things in a way that the Doctor could easily return to whatever he had been working on. She then spread out one of the flannels and gently took the Doctor’s hand in her own and rested it upon the clean space.

His fingers were curled slightly around the wound. She frowned. “Are you okay?”

“Fine.”

“You’re not as good at lying as you might think.”

The Doctor sighed. “It doesn’t hurt as bad as you might think. There. Better?”

“A little. But I wasn’t talking about your hand.”

He raised an eyebrow as she started to slowly uncurl his fingers so that she could pick out the larger shards. She placed them in the empty bowl. River didn’t look at him, keeping her focus on the wounds. That gave him time to think and consider his answer.

“I was thinking about what I would do if I discovered Missy was lying.”

River frowned as she now took the tweezers and started to pull the smaller pieces out of his skin. “Clearly that thought upset you.”

“Of course. I want to save you, River.”

She hummed. “But that’s not what angered you. It was the thought of betrayal that did that.”

His hand twitched almost violently and even though the rest of his body seemed calm, that reaction told her everything she needed to know. He noticed the twitch too, but not until the shock of pain from the remaining slivers shot through him.

“She’s lied so many times in the past. While I don’t think she is this time, I don’t have any proof one way or the other.”

“You both have something the other wants. You just need to remember to hold fast to what you have until she proves herself.”

“She’s always been the stronger of the two of us in that department.”

River smiled and then frowned as she looked at the last piece. “This one is pretty deep it might hurt.”

The Doctor nodded but looked away so River could work. She did it as carefully as she could, but she had been right – it hurt. Once she got it out, she quickly took a flannel, wadded it up, and put it against the wounds. “Here, put pressure on it.”

He did as he was told and she got the supplies from the first aid kit ready. She looked from the kit to his hand. “Was anything in the test tube?”

He shook his head. “Another few moments and there would have been.”

He nodded towards a beaker that was on the table. She picked it up and smelled it. She pulled a face. “What is it?”

“Dìtron.”

River shook her head at him as she started to clean the wound with another flannel and some soapy water. “That’s one of the most deadly poisons from Uzuno.”

“I know.”

“What were you doing with it?”

The Doctor remained quiet, which actually got River’s attention. She looked up at him and noticed that he had flushed a bit. She was surprised. This body was not one that expressed embarrassment, unless he was truly bothered by something. This wasn’t shame. It was true embarrassment. “Doctor?”

He swallowed thickly and shrugged as he coughed to clear his voice. “Insurance.”

River smirked; she suddenly understood. She continued to work on dressing his hand, as carefully as she could. His healing abilities meant that he didn’t need stitches, but the wound would heal better properly dressed. It would take a day or two, especially for the deep wound. “I’m rubbing off on you in all the wrong ways. So, you’re mostly upset with yourself for devising a plan to protect your interests.”

He shook his head. “I’m upset that I would consider giving her something that would incapacitate her after giving something that would heal her.”

She shrugged. “Same thing in my book.” She finished wrapping his hand in the gauze and taped it down. “There we are.”

He moved his hand a little just to test it out. It ached, but the bandage held and he had enough dexterity to wiggle his fingers enough to do work. “Thank you.”

He left off that it wasn’t needed. River did what she thought would be helpful and that was always needed. She packed up all the things and cleared them out of the room. He remained in the room, feeling unsure of what to do next. She returned a few minutes later. “Doctor?”

He sighed and looked up again. “What?” That came out more harshly than he thought and he winced. “Sorry.”

She approached him. “Dinner’s ready.”

He scowled. “What do you mean? You just left…”

“Two hours ago.”

He sighed and pulled his uninjured hand down his face. “Well, that rarely happens in this body. Usually it’s the other way around.”

River held her hand out to him. “Come on. We’ll eat and then I think a walk and maybe reading another story or two from my diary is in order.”

He took her hand, gave it a squeeze, and then stood. He obviously needed a positive distraction. She led him to the kitchen. Dinner was a simple affair, but filling. River sat next to him. “So, how is it usually for you?”

The Doctor looked over at her confused. “Hmm?”

“You said that the feeling of time is usually the opposite.”

“Oh. Usually, when I’m sitting still, a couple of hours can feel like days.”

“I would think for a Time Lord, any loss of time would be bad.”

He offered a small shrug. “When I don’t want to think about time, I don’t.”

He had to learn that when he was in the Confession Dial, otherwise the weight of billions of deaths would have been overwhelming.

“So what are you thinking about?”

He looked over at her and offered a small smile. All the tension from him seemed to drain as he took her in. River wasn’t quite sure what to make of the expression. It wasn’t one she had seen him use in months. “Sweetie?”

The Doctor leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. “How much I love you.”

River leaned her head against his and softly sighed. She briefly thought about arguing with him, but the way he said it, she worried he might see it as a rejection.

“And I you. So, tell me, what are you worried about?”

His face crumpled briefly. “Losing you.”

It was a simple truth. It was always his fear with anyone he cared about. But somehow, this time on Darillium made it true with River in a way he couldn’t have imagined.

River turned slightly in her seat and wrapped her arms around him. “Doctor, I love you. I have always loved you and I don’t think I’ll ever stop.”

The Doctor went willingly into her arms, resting his head near her heart. “But?”

River smiled and dropped a kiss atop his head. “No ‘but’. Those are facts for me. And here’s another: I finally understand that you do love me. You don’t have to prove it to me by saying it or being physical with me. You honour your promise to me everyday. That is more than anyone else has ever given to me. ”

He sighed heavily. The pain in his chest that he had carried with him ever since he realised that River didn’t know how much he loved her lessened slightly at her words. He didn’t know why her assertions tonight allowed that to happen, but he was grateful. He held her tighter for a moment, released her, and then sat up. “Best finish dinner before it gets cold.”

River smirked, but did not mention that most of that had been his fault. “I have a better idea than going for a walk. How about for dessert we go and visit Nardole?”

The Doctor pulled a face and River patted his cheek. “I know it’s his turn, you don’t have to worry about… the other one.”

While she occasionally teased the Doctor about Ramone, she knew tonight would be a bad night for that, so she refrained from even saying his name. After a few moments the Doctor nodded.

The Doctor liked Nardole. There was something very innocent about him, but the man was far from ‘simple.’ In fact, he was pretty intelligent. But his innocence sometimes disguised that. It made him and oddly comforting presence to have around. This wasn’t the first time they had visited Nardole, though River visited more often so she could see Ramone.

After they had cleaned up dinner, they decided to walk to the restaurant. It was pleasant outside and although dark, there was enough light from the moons and stars that they could see their way. They walked hand-in-hand and simply enjoyed each other’s company.

They walked quietly while they made observations about things they saw. The Doctor took comfort in the ability to feel River’s pulse. It calmed him in ways few other things could these days. As they approached the restaurant, River looked over at her husband. “I know you’re worried and I understand. But we’ve found a way to stop things from getting worse. So even if it seems for naught, we have that. And we have each other.”

The Doctor looked over at River and gave her hand a squeeze. He took a cleansing breath. “You’re right. I know you’re right.”

She nodded and squeezed his hand in return. “Good. I think we should play cards tonight.”

The Doctor groaned softly but nodded. “Fine. You’re buying.”

River laughed good-naturedly. “I’m the one who has a _paying_ job, of course I am.”

His mood lightened a bit at that. Which made it easier to face being around people tonight.

They were soon shown to one of the few rooms that the robot body could fit comfortably for casual conversation and relaxing. They were told that Nardole would be along shortly, he was finishing the dessert, which he had decided to make himself.

When Nardole came in, he was carrying a rather large chocolate lava cake. River was the first to exclaim. “Nardole! You have out-done yourself.”

“Thank you, mum. But I’ve discovered baking is really relaxing. So it was quite enjoyable. And being able to share it with friends only makes it better.”

He set the cake in the centre of the table and nodded his head to the Doctor. “It is quite good to see you again, sir.”

The Doctor smiled, but shook his head. “How many times, Nardole? It’s Doctor.”

“Very well. The Doctor and Professor Song. Let me serve up the plates. We even have vanilla ice cream to go with it.”

They spent a few minutes figuring out plates and the best place for the robot to sit. Once they were situated, they enjoyed their chocolate dessert. After everything was cleared away again, River reached down her shirt and pulled out a deck of cards.

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. “I really wish you wouldn’t do that… in mixed company.”

River just grinned at him. “Sorry, Sweetie, there was nowhere else to put them. Not all of us have dimensionally-transcendental pockets.”

Nardole looked confused. “Have what?”

The Doctor huffed at River, but answered Nardole calmly. “They’re bigger on the inside.”

“Oh…” Nardole replied, but he still looked confused.

The Doctor reached into his pocket and pulled out his notebook and pencil. The notebook was clearly too big to have fit properly into the pocket. “Like this.”

Nardole grinned. “Hey, that’s pretty good.” He paused for a moment. “Don’t suppose you could do that to this body? Sometimes it gets really cramped in there.”

The Doctor frowned. “I’m sorry, Nardole.”

He sighed in reply. “It’s okay, really. Maybe some day you will.”

“Yeah. Maybe.”

By this point, the cards had been dealt and the Doctor set up the notebook so he could keep score. It served as a good distraction from how serious the conversation was getting.

Before long, it was time to go home. The Doctor’s mood had improved vastly in the time and he was again reminded just how much he liked having Nardole around. He and River returned to their home.

The Doctor waited another couple of days before he returned to the Sisters of the Infinite Schism. He was able to calm down and enjoy what he had: his wife. And if this was all they had going forward, he could be happy with it. Because what they had was good and nothing was going to change that.

River stayed behind this time, because he didn’t want to get her hopes up and he didn’t want her to see him if he lost his temper. He parked the TARDIS in what he had come to see as his parking space. He pocketed the cluneksive and made his way to Missy’s floor. When he entered her room, he was surprised to see that Missy looked better than before. He thought maybe he had arrived at the wrong time.

“Don’t be so surprised. You’ve caught me on a good day is all.”

Her body was still quite charred, but the way she sat and even the small amounts of facial expressions she could manage helped to make her look better. He gave her a nod before moving to take a seat. “A very good day by your tone.”

She offered a bit of a toothy grin, which was the only smile she could manage. “It isn’t every day someone comes to save your life.”

The Doctor gave her a questioning glance. “How do you know?”

Missy tried to pout, but it didn’t hold it’s normal impact. “Oh, Doctor. I could tell by the little creases in your forehead. I mean, I have known you practically all your lives and that expression is the one that never fails. You have something that will make me happy, but given our history, you’re not sure you want to make me happy.”

It was a fair assessment. Sometimes he hated her for her ability to read him so easily, no matter what body he wore. He pulled a chair to sit near her bed and nodded in reply to her comment. “It sounds like you’d prefer we get down to business. You have the suppressant.”

She shook her head in reply.  The Doctor scowled and stood as he prepared to leave.

“Wait, wait, wait! I have two other things. I have the fact that it’s still in my system or I would be healing faster. And I have my memory of the chemicals.”

The Doctor shook his head. “Not good enough. Not for _this_.”

He started to walk towards the door. He had started to get angry. She lied. Again. Just like he had feared and now he had no way to save River. Fine. Then he wouldn’t save Missy. This would truly be a case of ‘a life for a life.’

“Doctor.” Missy’s voice broke through his anger. He stopped walking, but didn’t turn around.

“Please. I can’t get out of bed. It’s in the cupboard.”

He took several deep breaths and then slowly turned around and stared at her. The look he gave her said, ‘You’d better not be lying this time.’ He made his way to the cupboard. There wasn’t much in there.

“My petticoat. It was the only thing left to me. I hid some in the hems, hoping that if I ever got out of there, a cure could be found.”

The Doctor took out the petticoat and felt along all the hems. He found what she was referring to. He nodded and took the clothing as he closed the cupboard and again started to leave.

Missy sat up a bit at that. “You can’t go…”

“I can. I need to test them. Because if you are lying, then you don’t get this.” He patted the pocket that contained the cluneksive. “I’m done with playing your games. I will go and test these.” He held up her petticoat to show he meant the pills. “If they will save River, then I will save you.”

With that, he stormed out of the room and ignored Missy’s cries. He nearly ran into Sister Clastira. She took in his appearance. “Doctor.” She said as a greeting. “Perhaps you’d like to come to my office?”

The Doctor pursed his lips but nodded. She silently led them to her office, which gave the Doctor a few minutes to stew. Then she gestured for him to sit and she sat behind her desk. Then she waited and just stared at him.

After about three minutes, the Doctor finally caved. He told her everything he knew, save that the unidentified Time Lord was the Master or anything about their history. “She gave me some pills, but I have no way to know if they’ll work to save River unless I test them.”

“How many pills?”

The Doctor felt the hems. “Feels like ten. Maybe fifteen.”

Clastira nodded. “Can you leave one with me? That will one for testing with you and thirteen to begin treating River if we discover the tests work until we can replicate it.”

The Doctor was silent for a long time as he debated his answer. The TARDIS would process most of his tests and it wouldn’t hurt to have them work on things here. They wouldn’t have access to regeneration, but it was dangerous enough that the Daleks had access to this. Finally he shook his head. “No. Unless I get stuck. I’m sorry, I have to protect myself. I’m sure you understand.”

She offered a grim smile and nodded. With that, the Doctor returned to the TARDIS.

Once the Doctor was in his Box, he sent her into the Vortex, and then made his way to the medbay. The TARDIS had been preparing a lab area ever since her Time Lord had first asked her to do a scan on her fleshy daughter. She wanted to save River as much as the Doctor did.

The Doctor went to the lab and looked over things. “Oh, my dear, I know you love her too, but you shouldn’t have…”

“ _Even if not for her, I would have still done it for you_.”

He nodded and gave the wall a gentle pat. Then he set to work. First, he put on a pair of gloves. If the Daleks had refined the process, it was possible that the poison didn’t have to be ingested any longer and touch alone would be enough. He tore the seams of the petticoat apart. He discovered he had thirteen pills. He set aside the thought that Missy might have done that on purpose. He found a container and locked twelve of them away. The last one he left out. He cut it in quarters and put the dust fragments on a slide for the TARDIS to begin some preliminary tests. Then he set three fragments aside. The last… The last he decided there was only one thing to do with it…

He put it into a container and set it under the large video microscope. He removed his gloves and put them in the chute that led to the incinerator, then returned to see if the video told him anything. It didn’t yet. He shook his hand a few times to get a little regeneration energy going. Then he touched the container. The energy permeated it, until it reached the bit of poison. As it did, it was… either absorbed or killed off by the poison. It was difficult to tell which. He stopped sending energy into it. Then he stopped the video and set the TARDIS to process the information that was gathered.

He returned the cluneksive to its chamber, then made his way to the console room. He wanted River at his side. Things hadn’t gone poorly, just not as well as he would have liked and he needed to tell her. After the TARDIS materialised, he set the handbrake and made his way into the house.


	29. Chapter 29

River heard the Doctor enter the house and knew by the sound of his footsteps to not bother him. Something had happened and she could tell he wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. At this point though, she trusted _them_. Not just herself, not just him. She trusted their relationship and she discovered that she trusted herself within that relationship. So she trusted that waiting was the right thing to do. Sometimes, the Doctor just needed to brood and would talk when he was ready. Since her health hung in the balance, she was certain he wouldn’t keep anything from her for long. And even if he tried, she’d be able to get him to talk.

She raised an eyebrow as she watched him go to their bedroom. That was surprising. Usually, he would go to the Fort when something was bothering him. Occasionally, he’d take a shower. She waited a few moments, but she didn’t hear the water running. This made her worried. She stood and went to the bedroom. The Doctor was on the bed and had wrapped himself around her pillow. He clung to it desperately. River could tell he was doing everything he could to not cry. Right. Whatever had happened had been very bad, then.

River made her way into the room and sat upon the bed, but in front of the Doctor. She raised her hand to run her fingers through his hair. He reached up and grabbed her wrist in mid-air. He swallowed thickly and gently moved her hand to his lips. He kissed her knuckles. She offered a small encouraging smile. As long as he didn’t reject her presence, she would stay.

The Doctor couldn’t move more than he had. He couldn’t let her pillow go. It didn’t matter that she was sat next to him. It didn’t matter that he was touching her right now. He needed a level of reassurance that he couldn’t ask of her. He needed to know that she wouldn’t die in front of him, even though she had already done that. He took a long, slow breath and realised he was holding her hand so tightly it had started to change colours. He released her hand and mumbled, “Sorry.”

River shook her head. The Doctor had no need to apologise in her mind. Whatever had happened wasn’t entirely to do with her health. She could tell that much. Maybe it was their bond. But she knew that something else was bothering the Doctor, she just couldn’t sense the details. She closed her eyes and tried to sense what she could through the bond.

“Mis-sy.”

The broken name crackled in the silence. The Doctor couldn’t say more at that point. He didn’t have to. River was hit with an overwhelming sense of loss and grief. Not physical death, but the death of something deeper – something centuries old. River sighed softly under the weight of his sorrow. She didn’t know how to process everything she felt through the bond.

River decided to lie down on the bed. She moved herself into the space that was between the Doctor and the edge of the bed. Finally, she rested her forehead against his. She tried to send calming and positive thoughts to him as their heads touched.

The Doctor was comforted by what River did. He felt her love and calm permeate throughout his entire being. The calm she sent to him helped him to relax a bit. He took a deep breath and sent back all the gratitude he felt in that moment. It took him a minute or two to collect himself before he could do anything else. Finally, he sighed heavily – the weight of a relationship over two thousand years old slowly ebbing from him.

At that sound, River finally moved her hand so she could run it soothingly through the Doctor’s curls. Even though every fibre of her being wanted to ask him to tell her everything, she remained silent and waited. She loved this man, this Time Lord, more than anything she could possibly imagine. And she would give him anything he needed at any moment. Not for all the ways he had saved her, but simply because she knew he loved her too.

The Doctor blinked quickly several times as tears came to his eyes that he refused to let fall. Finally, he moved, just enough so that he could look at his wife. “She lied. She wasn’t going to give me the tablets at all. When I showed her that I had the energy, she said she didn’t have any. Then I got her to reveal the truth. She had thirteen.”

He squeezed his eyes shut as a wave of emotion overcame him suddenly. He needed to protect River from that one, if he could. When he could breathe again, he looked at his wife. And everything righted itself once again.

River ran her hand through his hair. “Well, that’s a good lie, though. Better than saying she had plenty of them only to leave you with nothing.”

The Doctor hummed, but clearly didn’t agree with her analysis. River frowned at his reaction. “Doctor, this is more than just about the pills.”

He nodded. “When we were on Skaro the last time, she compared it to my wedding night.” He swallowed and lowered his eyes for a moment. He knew that River didn’t hold that marriage against him, but it was still hard to try to involve her in a part of his life that she would never be able to experience. After a moment, he continued. “I corrected her, because my Wedding night had actually gone quite well. It was my stag night that most of the trouble happened.” He sighed. “Anyway. We briefly reminisced about our adventures from younger days. I mentioned that we were friends back then and then I asked her what had happened. She replied, ‘Nothing.’ But even now I wonder. She had said she wanted her friend back… I do too… But after this?” He shook his head. “I don’t know how to make it work.”

River leant in and placed a gentle kiss to his forehead. “You do. Of course you do. It’s just hard.”

The Doctor frowned in confusion. “I don’t understand.”

She smiled at him. “My beautiful idiot. There is one thing that you do better than all the others. You forgive. You’ve even started to forgive yourself. You both want some semblance of what you had before. You want peace. You want to work together again. But the only way that can happen is forgiveness.”

His face contorted for a minute. “Why does it always have to be me? Why do I have to be the first to do it, why can’t anyone else give it _to_ me?”

River nestled down next to her husband. But she ran her fingers through his curls again. “Because it’s what you do. It’s who you are. Because at the end of everything, you made a promise and however hard it might feel to live up to that promise, to fail in your own eyes would be far worse.”

The Doctor grimaced for a moment. She was right. Of course she was. He leaned forward and kissed her gently, but it was infused with gratitude. He pulled away just enough to look at her. “I thought you said you didn’t have a conscience.”

She smiled warmly. “I don’t. But you do. And I will do whatever I can to make things as easy on yours as possible.”

His face fell for a minute as she said that. He realised that he would be sending her to her death and there wasn’t anything she could do to make that easier. She was confused by his reaction. “Sweetie?”

He shook his head. “I just… wonder if they’re aren’t some things you can’t fix.”

It wasn’t technically a lie. After all, given their bond, if he had tried to lie, she would have been able to tell. This was the truth. He just didn’t state specifics.

“Of course there are things that can’t be fixed. But, Doctor, that’s not limited to you. The same is true for all of us. Everything ends and it’s always sad. You can’t stop there, though. Because everything begins again too and that’s always happy.”

The Doctor shifted his head a bit so he could see her better. “Your conscience is showing again.”

She smiled back at him. “Not having a conscience doesn’t preclude me from being able to tell the truth.”

She shifted closer to him and wrapped her arms around him and pulled their bodies together. That was when she felt it properly. The Doctor was trembling from head to toe. Now, River really was concerned. “Doctor, take a deep breath. You’re here; you’re safe.”

She could tell he was holding something in. “Doctor you’re sad and angry. I know. It’s another loss after all the losses you’ve already experienced. But there’s still time to change this one.”

He squeezed his eyes shut tighter. A tear slipped out of one. He shook his head at her insistence. When he finally spoke, his voice was broken with the emotion of it all. “Even if I save her. Even if I forgive her. It’s been too long. She’s….”

River non-too-gently put her finger to the Doctor’s lips. “If you end that statement with anything close to ‘past all hope’, I will slap you so hard, you’ll end up on Gallifrey.”

The Doctor was startled less by River’s finger on his lips and more by her tone of voice. He met her eyes and there was a harshness there that he rarely saw. The last time he had seen it had been Manhattan, after he healed her hand. “Oh.”

She nodded once, but her expression didn’t change. “Yes. ‘Oh.’ Doctor, I don’t want to meddle. But you know me, I will if I have to.”

He closed his eyes and nodded that he understood. “Can I just sleep for a bit. Then, after, we can go to the lab on the TARDIS and see what she’s figured out.”

River’s expression softened. She would have preferred the Doctor dealing with his emotions. But she would take what she could get. She knew it really wouldn’t help either of them to start arguing about this. So instead she leant in and pressed her lips to his forehead. “Do you want me to stay or…”

Her question was cut off as the Doctor clung to her tighter. She chuckled softly. “Well, I didn’t have to ask, did I?”

The Doctor hummed a negative.

River wouldn’t have said that either of them slept. Dozed was closer to the truth. But after a couple of hours, the Doctor’s hold on her relaxed enough that she could get up and get a meal together for them. When the Doctor finally found his way to the kitchen, his hair was poking up in all sorts of different directions. Clearly, he hadn’t slept well at all after she left him. His voice was gravelly as he spoke. “You left.”

“Yes I did because I didn’t think you’d feel like cooking and I figured you’d need something more substantial than sandwiches.”

He shrugged a shoulder. He couldn’t argue with that. He moved into the work area. “Anything I can help with?”

River nodded. “Coffee or tea, whichever you prefer. There’s a salad in the fridge that still needs the dressing added to it, so you can toss those together.”

The Doctor nodded and started to fill the water kettle. Once it was set to boil, he pulled out the items for making tea. Then he retrieved the salad and dressing and started to mix them together. Having finished that, he set all of his assigned items on the table and took his place to wait for River.

After they had washed up from the meal, the Doctor leaned his backside against the counter and watched River as she finished drying her hands. She frowned as she looked at him. “What is it?”

He shook his head. “I… Don’t know if I’m ready for this.”

River smirked at him. “If anyone should be nervous, it should be me.” She leaned in and gave him a quick kiss on the lips.

He returned the kiss and smiled at her. It was a smile that said, ‘How am I this lucky to have you?’

She took his hand and led him to the TARDIS. Once inside, he took the lead towards the lab. “She might not be done analysing everything, it’s only been a few hours. But, we’ll see how far she’s gotten.”

River gasped when she saw the lab. “This isn’t your normal lab.”

The Doctor shrugged. “Technically it is. She just gave it a few upgrades.”

“I can see that.”

The Doctor pulled another chair to the bench for River to sit on and he took his own seat. Then he started to show her what he’d done so far. When it got to the recording of him using regeneration energy, River nearly slapped him. “Doctor!”

He frowned and looked at her. “What?”

“You’re wasting your energy.”

He raised an eyebrow at her. “I’m pretty sure that’s not an issue any longer.”

“I don’t understand.”

He sighed. “I told you about the ‘thing’ that happened.”

She nodded. “A new cycle of regenerations.”

He nodded in return. “No, that’s what _you_ said. The reason why twelve was set as the ‘magic number’ of regenerations was because they discovered through trial and error that mental faculties of Time Lords decreased substantially with each regeneration following the twelfth. It wasn’t worth the risk. But, what happened to me… no one knows how much regeneration energy I actually have now. Rassilon didn’t know either, which is interesting.”

“So you’re just going to waste it like this?”

“If it saves your life, I hardly call it a waste.”

She sighed. It was pointless to argue about something that had already happened.

“Just don’t do it too often.”

He nodded. “I won’t. But it’s not the problem you seem to think it is, I promise.”

“Better not be. I want you around for a good long time.”

He proceeded to show her the tests and brought up the results that the TARDIS had so far. He frowned. “The TARDIS is ready to run the next two tests. But you’re needed for that.”

River’s frown matched his. “Okay explain.”

“Two tests left: one to run on the cancer cells to see if they respond to it. And one on some regular cells to make sure it doesn’t hurt them in the process.”

“Three tests.”

He raised his eyebrow as he looked at her. “What do you mean?”

“One test to make sure I don’t hurt you by having this treatment done to me.”

“River, I don’t care about that. We can make that work if it’s a problem.”

“The thing is, I want to spend this time with my husband and I can’t do that if this causes him harm. What do you need me to do?”

“I don’t want to go back to hospital if we can help it. So, will you let me extract some of the cells and take some blood, fluid and skin samples?”

“Aren’t there rules about doctors treating family members?”

“Since when does either of us care about rules?”

She smiled at his reply. Then she stood. “Okay. Where do you want me?”

“Anywhere I can get you.”

“Doctor, now really isn’t the time.”

He pouted a little. The one time he tried to give an innuendo and she shot him down. He nodded toward the cot in the corner. “Over there.”

River made her way to the cot and got herself comfortable. The Doctor followed and pulled a small cart with collection tubes and various devices on it. She looked up at him. “There isn’t an easier way?”

“Yes, but this will provide the best results.”

After he took the necessary samples he picked up a cup and handed it to her. She looked from it to the Doctor. She raised an eyebrow. “You’re not serious.”

He shrugged. “It’s honestly the best way.”

River glared at him for a full three seconds before huffing and taking the cup to the loo to fill it.

The Doctor set to work on his other tests whilst she was away. He would let this set run overnight. Which meant he would need something to distract them from thinking about it too much. When River returned she handed the cup to the Doctor and he set to work setting up those samples. He had used the entirety of one tablet and had divided another tablet into quarters. He was down to 11. He then took one untainted tablet and had the TARDIS start to analyse its properties so hopefully he could make some more.

He sighed when he had everything done. “All right. Now, we let the TARDIS do her thing. Overnight should be long enough. We’ll see what she says tomorrow morning.”

River grimaced a little. “I _so_ hate waiting.”

“I know. But I’m sure together we can find something to distract ourselves.”

She didn’t respond immediately. She was clearly having some kind of internal debate. Finally she nodded to herself. “I want to meet her.”

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. “I’m sorry?”

“Missy. I want to meet her.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea for many reasons.”

“You have no way to stop me, but I think you’d rather be there when we meet.”

He didn’t have a good argument against that. He nodded and gestured that she should lead the way. Once they got to Missy’s floor, he gestured that River should wait. She laughed at him. “Sweetie, I’m going in there and you’re welcome to come in too, but I know how you are. This will go better if you let me do the talking.”

“River, you don’t know…”

“Hush. I can handle any version of you, so I can handle her. I’m not saying you can’t come in, I’m just saying let me take the lead.”

The Doctor frowned again, but didn't vocalise his disagreement. He gestured that she should go in. She knocked first and then entered the room. The Doctor followed behind and made sure the door was closed.

Missy stared at River for a long time. There was something vaguely familiar about the woman, but she couldn’t quite place it. Then she saw the Doctor and she tried to offer a sly expression, which just came off looking a bit grizzly given that she didn’t have a lot of movement in her face. “Doctor. And I suppose you’re the current wife.”

River approached her and intervened before the Doctor could reply. “Professor River Song. Archaeologist. And yes, we’re married.”

The Doctor remained near the door. This was dragging up all his anger again. And there was something more. A touchstone of an emotion was present. Something about Skaro. Missy had done something terrible there. It was fuzzy, just on the edge of his memory.

“No you’re not. He’s my best friend, I would have been there had it been an actual wedding.”

The Doctor wasn’t sure what to make of that. He was wrestling too much with his own emotions. River replied easily. “The universe was about to be destroyed, we did the super quick version.”

Missy hummed in reply. “And you’ve come here to what? Brag?”

River smiled. “No. The Doctor mentioned that you wanted to meet me. Against his better judgement, I thought I would oblige. After all, it’s the least I can do, since it seems I have you to thank for saving my life.”

“It wasn’t a gift. It was an exchange.”

The Doctor blew a raspberry from where he was stood. River turned and gave him a glare that told him to shush and remain still. She then looked back to Missy. “Indeed it was. However, I understand that you had to be… shall we say encouraged… to hold up your end of the deal?”

“It wouldn’t have been for long. He’s my best friend. I wouldn’t have let him suffer.”

“Of course you would have. You spend all your time trying to kill each other.”

“Well, we do now. The thing is, the Doctor thinks I’ve changed. I haven’t. I’m still the same child who played in the fields with him all those years ago. The difference, is I no longer try to mask my nature.”

“Are you saying he does?”

“Of course not, he’s always been boring. But you… You’re not boring at all! I can see it all around you. You’re a time traveller too, but there’s something else about you. Something familiar.”

“I have no conscience.”

“Ah yes, that must be it. The Doctor and I are not all that different. Take killing, for example. When it comes to killing, he’s a farmer. He only kills when he needs to and he doesn’t exactly enjoy it when he has to do it. I, on the other hand am a hunter. I enjoy the prowl and the kill equally.”

The Doctor nearly moved from his spot at that. Not because Missy was wrong, but because she was exactly right. And in that moment, he realised why it would be so easy for her to think about being friends again.

River smiled. “So you have no conscience either.”

“No, I do. Or I’d let him and all his pets die time and time again.”

“You pretty much do.”

Missy gasped. “I do not. I make things interesting and exciting, but I would never actually let any of them die.”

“Jack.” The Doctor’s voice was gruff with just a hint of anger. River glared at him again. And he frowned in return. He wanted an answer about Jack.

“He comes back. Over and over and over.” Missy giggled a little. “His deaths don’t matter.”

“They did to _him_.”

River licked her lips and gestured that the Doctor should stay back. “The Doctor has been hesitant to tell me what happened on Skaro. I thought you might be able to fill me in.”

“Oh was he? And you trust me to tell you the truth?”

River nodded. “I do, because if you lie to me, I will make sure you never have the treatment you desperately need.”

Missy actually tensed at that. To be fair, so did the Doctor. River could be downright terrifying when she wanted to be.

“He assumed he was going to his death. I couldn’t let that happen. If anyone kills the Doctor, it’s going to be me. It’s my right as his friend. Just as it’s his right to kill me. We made that agreement ages ago, before either of us graduated from the academy. Anyway. Clara and I made our way into the Dalek City through the sewers. The only way to get to the Doctor was for one of us to be inside a Dalek. Clara being a similar height was the obvious choice.”

The Doctor staggered a bit against the wall as he heard Missy’s version of the story. It was like a piece of the ‘Clara puzzle’ had slotted back into place. He stormed over to the bed and nearly invaded Missy’s space. His voice was a low growl. “Tell her the rest.”

Missy tried to smile and looked at River. “And we got there at what I thought was too late. He had already given some of his regeneration energy to the Daleks, so Davros was saved.”

The Doctor cocked his head. His voice was still low and threatening. “Tell her the rest. You know the bit I mean.”

“Well, clearly you remember it, so you tell her.”

“No. She should hear it from _you_.”

The Doctor wanted Missy to say it. To say what she had planned – what she had done. He knew she would never willingly admit it to him, so he was using River as leverage. Besides, he didn’t remember exactly what had happened. But he had a pretty good idea at this point. He knew how her mind worked.

Missy swallowed hard and nodded. “The Doctor’s regeneration energy went into every Dalek on Skaro, even those that were decaying in the sewers. Those were very angry and started to destroy everything around them. The Doctor took off to escape. He was cornered by a Dalek.”

River frowned suddenly understanding why the Doctor was angry. “It was Clara.”

Missy nodded. The Doctor shook his head at her. “Tell her the rest.”

Missy looked at her nails as if they were very interesting. “I might have tried to encourage the Doctor to indulge in his base desires to destroy the Daleks by his own hand and specifically against that one.”

River shook her head. “But you knew it was Clara and didn’t tell him. So what happened then?”

She sighed heavily. “Well, I knew he wouldn’t kill any old Dalek, so I first told him that was the Dalek that had killed Clara. But then, the unexpected happened. The one thing no one could have predicted. The Dalek requested the Doctor to have Mercy on it. And then it was all over. The Doctor became overly focused on that word and had to go about figuring out how the word got into their vocabulary. Then he told the Dalek to open it’s casing and…”

River knew how to finish the story. “He saw that Clara was inside the Dalek. Then what happened?”

“He told me to run, but I’ve never been one to run, so I walked away. Was captured by the Daleks. He had his precious Clara and fled with her, leaving me behind.”

The Doctor could stand no more and broke in, “You tried to get me to kill my friend! What did you think I would do?”

“You sent me your Confession Dial. I saved you. I thought that meant that _we_ could be friends again.”

River looked between the pair. “Well. I’ve heard all I need to. Missy, apologise to the Doctor.”

“What?” “I’m sorry?” Both Missy and the Doctor replied at the same time and their attention focused on River.

“You both heard me and I think you both understood quite well. Missy, apologise to the Doctor. Doctor, you do what you do best. I’m going to leave you to it.”

With that, River got up and left the room, leaving both the Doctor and Missy speechless in her wake. The Doctor took a long, cleansing breath and sagged onto the edge of Missy’s bed. “When we were on Skaro, I asked you what had changed about us being friends. You said, ‘Nothing.’ Do you still believe that?”

“Yes. I am still the only one who gets to kill you and you’re the only one who gets to kill me.”  She offered what she could of a smile. The Doctor just stared at her in disbelief. He couldn’t believe after all of this she had chosen to say that. When he said nothing, she continued, “What do you think has changed?”

“You turned my TARDIS into a paradox machine.”

“You gave up on the possibility that I survived the Time War.”

“You killed an Earthling to get a new body.”

“You let the Daleks perform ‘Maximum Extermination’.”

The Doctor’s face fell at that. He had done that to her twice. He couldn’t have stopped the first one if he tried and he did try to stop the second one. It was pointless to play this game going back any further. She had said nothing had changed, and under it all, she was right. Their game had only gotten more elaborate and so the stakes had gotten higher. “I promised you so very long ago now that my marriage wouldn’t change anything. The wife has changed, but I will hold true to that.”

Missy nodded. “You also said love was a promise, so what am I to make of that, Doctor? You love me, but we can’t be friends?”

“I never said that.”

“Then what am I to you? A convenient tag-along when the Time Lords want to play dirty?”

“Missy.” There was a low warning in his tone.

“Just say it, Doctor.”

“You never lost me as a friend! All right? No matter what happened, what we did to each other, ways we failed each other, I always considered myself to be your friend.”

He sighed heavily. That had taken way too much out of him.

“There, now, that wasn’t so hard, was it? Like I said, nothing has changed.” She paused for a moment and really looked at him. For the briefest moment, she could see every one of his hundreds of billions of deaths. And for once she didn’t want to gloat and celebrate. Whatever he had been through recently had been far worse than anything she had experienced. “I was angry. I thought you sending me your Confession Dial meant something. But when Clara asked you about it, you only said that we had known each other a long time. And when you came around, you didn’t seem to care about me at all.” This was much harder than Missy thought. There was no way she was going to apologise for what she had done. Why would she? It just was how she did things. “I’m sorry that I didn’t read between the lines well enough to know you did care.”

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. If he were honest, it was far more than he had expected. Missy had offered the best apology she could and in a way that was honest. He would have never believed her if she had apologised for putting Clara into the Dalek or trying to get him to kill the Dalek. But this? For her, it was a huge step. Now it was his turn. “I can’t promise I’ll forget everything you’ve done. But at this point, in these bodies, I’m going to give us a chance to start anew. You’ve done everything you have recently to get my attention, in your own ways to earn my friendship again. I will give you that chance. I promised you that if the pills worked to cure River, I would give you the energy you need. That hasn’t changed and that won’t change. So, for everything else... I forgive you.”

Missy just stared at him gobsmacked. They had been friends for such a long time that such things often went unspoken between them. She had no idea that it would feel… like this. A tear slipped down her cheek and the salt burned at her wounds. “So, we’ve both lost, then.”

The Doctor smiled kindly at her and leaned in so he could keep his voice gentle. “No. This is what it feels like when we both win.”

With that he gently brushed his lips against her forehead and allowed for the briefest moment for his mind to touch hers. He pulled away slowly. That had felt… good. “I have work to do on the pills, but I’ll be back as soon as I know something.”

He then got up and started to move toward the door. When he pulled it open, Missy called to him, “Doctor?” She waited until he turned around. “Thank you.”

He smiled at her and gave her a nod of his head. It was a sign of both acceptance and his offer of ‘thank you’ in return. Then he exited the room and returned to the TARDIS.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I recently (finally!) read the scripts from “Magician’s Apprentice/Witch’s Familiar” – I know, super behind the times. Anyway, it was really encouraging for me to read all the cut lines/scenes that so clearly line up with what I’ve always had in my headcanon about the relationship between the Doctor and the Master. (and honestly some of the cut lines/scenes between the Doctor and Davros were 100 times better than what didn’t get cut.) That said, while I was always planning this sort of breakdown/reconciliation bit, the scripts helped to direct me and gave some ideas to me about how this whole sequence could work. Also, obviously, all this Missy stuff will be AU in a couple of weeks ☹


	30. Chapter 30

After the Doctor returned them to Darillium, he resigned himself in the lab to work on the tablets. River would come in on occasion to make sure he was taking care of his basic functions. A couple of days later, when she came with a plate of sandwiches, she watched him from the door for a long time. When he paused to stretch, she entered the room. There had been a slight unease between them and she had finally figured out what it was. “I’m not going to ask what happened between you and Missy. But it clearly helped.”

He smiled up at her from where he was sat. “Forgiveness is the only way we can live in peace.”

She smirked. She had been right about him and that was about as close to an admission as she was bound to get. “Are you glad?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know how long it will last, but I’m grateful for the chance.”

River nodded and set the plate of food on a clean space of the desk. While she was in that position, she took the time to kiss him on top of his head. “It shows. How is the research going today?”

He rubbed the back of his neck and sighed. “Everything just takes so long. And either it will help or it won’t, there’s no way to know for sure without doing all the work.”

River smirked. “And you hate not knowing.”

He nodded. “I hate not knowing. I also hate spending all this time working on something that might not work.”

She pulled a chair over to sit near him. “So what do you know so far?”

He was tinkering with something or another and realised they really hadn’t talked properly so he set it aside and looked at her. He rested his hands on his knees. “I’ve run all the tests I can on the samples we’ve taken. So far, it seems to only go after the cancerous cells.”

River couldn’t stop the smile from forming. “That’s wonderful! So it should work.”

The Doctor nodded. “That was the easy part. The difficult part is replicating it. And, trying to find a different solution to you ingesting it.”

River frowned, a little confused. “I don’t understand.”

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. He loved his wife. She was intelligent, beautiful, and patient. But like him, she had her moments of being an idiot. “It would be safest if I could find a way to inject it directly at the problem areas. Then we wouldn’t have to worry as much about harming other cells in your body.”

His tests had shown they wouldn’t harm her. Even her Time Lord DNA was not affected in the tests he ran, but he wanted to minimise the possibility, if he could. River thought about it for a moment. “Similar to the difference between radiation therapy and chemotherapy.”

“Exactly right.”

She nodded. She could understand that. “And you? What about the impact it could have on you?”

“Tests are inconclusive. But, so far, they’ve shown that once it’s in your cells, the effects are neutralised to the point that it won’t hurt my cells.”

There wouldn’t be a way to know for sure without testing it. Of course, that could be said for everything.

“And can it be replicated?”

The Doctor shrugged. “That’s frankly a bit beyond me.”

River raised an eyebrow and nearly teased the Doctor about not knowing something, but when she saw how distraught he looked about it, she decided against it. Instead, she gave his hands a squeeze. “And the TARDIS?”

He offered a small half-smile. “The TARDIS is working on it.”

River gave his hands another squeeze and let them go. “Good, then you should take a proper break. You’ve been cooped up in here for days.”

He looked at the plate of sandwiches and then back at his wife. She smiled. “We’ll bring them with us. Come on.”

She gave his hands a tug to encourage him to stand and then reached around him to take up the plate. She led him back to the house and into the Fort. He needed time to decompress. She set the plate of sandwiches down and then went back to the kitchen for a few other things. There were enough sandwiches for both of them for this meal, but she wanted to spend time with the Doctor without too much interruption. So she gathered a pitcher of water, tumblers, fruit, chocolate, and other snack type items. She brought the loaded tray with her to the Fort.

The Doctor was sat on the bed with his back against the headboard. He was… patient. Well, patient for him. It was obvious that he wanted, maybe even needed River to return to distract him. She smiled at him when she entered. She could tell he was trying to look patient, even though it was clear to her he really wasn’t. Good. She had plenty of ideas for how the rest of the day should progress.

She set the tray down and first poured a glass of water for the Doctor. She handed it to him and then went about spreading the nibbles into easy-to-reach places. Finally, she poured water into a glass for herself and then climbed onto the bed next to the Doctor. She picked up the plate of sandwiches and offered one to the Doctor. She set it down and took one for herself as well. “Rules.”

He had taken a bite of his sandwich and had to swallow before he replied. “Rules?”

She nodded. “For the rest of the day, no talking about the pills and the successes or failures thereof. In fact, no talking about my health, at all.” He was about to interrupt but she held up a finger. “We have plenty of other things we can talk about and we haven’t really had a lie-in since all this started. So, that is what we are going to do for the rest of the day.”

He offered a small smirk and then nodded. “Fair enough.” Then he bit into his sandwich and just went quiet for a bit.

River followed suit. She knew it always took the Doctor a few minutes to settle into relaxing. She was content to eat her own sandwich as she waited. He went through five triangles worth of sandwiches before he finally sighed and scooted down the bed to relax. She had gone through three herself and she set the plate aside before she snuggled close to him. Both of them sighed contentedly.

After a long few moments of silence the Doctor opened his eyes and started to gently play with a few of River’s curls. “I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to this….”

River opened her eyes and looked at him. “What?”

“This. You . Me. Here. Together.”

“Good.”

He frowned at her. “Good?”

“Well, if you get used to it, you’ll get bored. I don’t ever want either of us to get bored with this.”

“Don’t you miss it? The travelling and the adventures.”

She chuckled softly at that. “Sometimes, but I suspect we’ll have a little of that now and then. How can we not? This is us. Besides, if I had to choose, I will always, always choose you.”

She smiled at him fondly and leaned in to give him a kiss. He shifted slightly and manoeuvred her so that she was more or less on top of him. She was still at an odd angle, so while the kiss continued, she eased a bit more so that they were both in comfortable positions. There didn’t seem to be any urgency for either of them. It was just them, enjoying each other’s company.

The Doctor wrapped his arms around River and let his fingers play with the tendrils that fell down her back. After a few moments, they broke the kiss. She rested her head in the centre of his chest, where she could easily hear the unique rhythm of his two hearts. He dropped his head slightly, so he could kiss the top of her head.

“I think I’m ready.”

He frowned and tilted his head so he could try to look at her. He gave up when she didn’t look back at him. He hummed quietly. “Ready for what?”

“For you to see… what the Silence did to me.”

The Doctor froze. River could hear his hearts stutter at the suggestion. She lifted her head to look at him. “Sweetie?”

He looked at her and finally shook his head. He cupped her cheek. “Let’s take care of your physical health and then we’ll worry about the rest. We’ve plenty of time.”

But even as he said it, his hearts skipped a beat again. River looked down at his chest and then back at his face. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

The Doctor closed his eyes. “Thought I wasn’t supposed to worry or think about such things.”

“You’re not, but clearly something happened that you hadn’t planned. So, tell me.”

“There’s no way to test if the drug will change the few abilities you have from your Time Lord DNA.”

River frowned. “Meaning?”

“Meaning you might lose the ability to communicate telepathically.”

River gasped softly. “And the bond?”

The Doctor nodded but he couldn’t mask the sadness that crossed his features. “Possibly. There’s no way to test that, we just have to wait.”

“What will losing the bond do to you?”

He shrugged, but didn’t answer.

“Doctor, what will it do to you?”

“I don’t know. It’s possible that it won’t do anything to me. It’s possible that it won’t do anything to you. We won’t know anything until we try it.”

She sighed and rested her head in the space between his hearts again. “I’m sorry. I was meant to distract you from your thoughts and I just made you think of something worse.”

He wrapped his arms back around her. “It’s something we will face when we get to it. And we’ll face it together.”

River was able to keep the Doctor distracted enough until the next morning. His anxiety had returned and she knew better than to keep him from the TARDIS too much longer. Still, she had eventually been able to distract him well enough that he actually fell asleep after they’d made love. She had watched him sleep. She hadn’t cared that she would be tired the next day. She could sleep when he was working.

Sleeping was what she was doing when she heard a strange beeping. It was coming from the sonic screwdriver that the Doctor had given her at that first Christmas. She got up and picked the device up, curious about what it could mean. It had never done that before.

She discovered as she moved it around the speed of the beeping picked up every time she waved the sonic in the direction of the TARDIS. She smiled fondly. “Oh, that man just can’t give even one thing up.”

She pulled on a robe and some slippers then made her way out to the TARDIS. She expected to find the Doctor in the control room waiting for her. She frowned when she didn’t see him anywhere in sight. “What’s going on, Old Girl, do you know?”

The TARDIS made a few beeps and chirps, and then brought up lights to show River the way she should follow. River patted the console. “So it was you and not him. Clever girl!”

Clever Doctor too, since he had clearly included a patch to her sonic from the TARDIS.

She followed the lighted way and suddenly realised it led to the lab. She swallowed hard. The TARDIS would only summon her here if the news were very good or very bad. She wasn’t sure which she wanted. She knocked lightly on the door – loud enough to alert the Doctor to her presence, but not so loud as to be overly distracting. Then she opened the door and entered. And she heard the Doctor laughing. It was a cross between hysterical and pure joy and River was worried, since she didn’t know which would indicate a bigger problem. She swallowed. “Doctor?”

The Doctor’s attention snapped over to her, but he was still laughing a bit. He stood, ran over to her, and offered a passionate kiss. River responded in kind and when they finally broke apart, she whispered, “Good news?”

The Doctor nodded. “The best! The TARDIS can replicate and even increase the power of the drug. We even have everything on board that she needs to do it. She’s fairly sure that you will only need one treatment.”

River grinned. “Really?”

The Doctor nodded. “There’s more.”

River raised her eyebrow in question to encourage him to continue. He did. “The energy I will give to Missy should completely cure her as well. It will basically reset this regeneration for her.”

River grinned. “And you get everything you could want.”

He had finally stopped giggling, but he was still beaming. “I hope so. Every once in awhile I need a day where everyone lives.”

She ran her fingers through his curls. “And it has been far too long since you’ve had a day like that.”

He sobered slightly and nodded. “The TARDIS said that it’s going to take a couple of days for her to process enough of the drug, but River, I need to go see to Missy.”

River smiled at him. “Of course you do. Under it all, you’re still friends.”

He nodded. “And I’ve really let her linger too long. But I’m going to have to use the TARDIS, and you. She… She’s still dangerous. I need to ensure the safety of everyone and you did scare her. Just enough.”

River chuckled fondly. “I do tend to have that sort of impact. Anything else I can do?”

The Doctor shook his head. And then thought better of it. “Get dressed? While I do love what you’ve chosen to wear for this visit, I don’t think they’d appreciate it at hospital.”

“And it’s not very intimidating. Very well.”

With that she left the lab to change.

The Doctor had some finishing touches to do on a Zero Room he had recreated. It had been jettisoned so long ago, but this was the only way he could ensure Missy’s healing and the safety of everyone in the universe while that happened.

The couple met up again in the console room after each had taken care of what they intended. The Doctor looked River up and down. She looked similar to how she had at Stonehenge: ready for battle. He nodded his approval.

This time, he materialised the TARDIS in Missy’s hospital room. He had found a pushchair and he brought it out of the TARDIS and set it near Missy’s bed. She eyed the couple suspiciously. “What’s this?”

“Your chariot.”

Missy did her best to frown. “Your TARDIS would never allow for it.”

“A special room has been created.”

“You always did talk about keeping me…”

The Doctor sighed and approached her bedside. “Missy, I don’t want to do this here. If they gain any knowledge about us….”

Missy nodded. “I know. Disaster for the Universe.”

“And that’s if we’re lucky.”

She sighed. “Fine.”

She couldn’t move very well, so the Doctor and River had to help her into the chair. Once they had her tucked in, the Doctor asked, “Comfortable?”

“No. But I’ll survive.”

He nodded to River who stepped forward and put handcuffs on Missy – one on each wrist – and secured them to the chair. Missy didn’t fight that, she had expected as much. But when River started to put a blindfold on her, it was too much. “Now wait a minute!”

“Securing you is at the request of the TARDIS. I do assume you want the treatment?”

That was River’s voice. There was an underlying threat to it that Missy couldn’t identify. She swallowed and nodded. River wasn’t to be messed with and she knew it. River could take care of herself that much she knew, but she was fairly certain the Doctor’s wrath would soon follow if she did try to move against River. Besides, of all the things she did to get a new life, this wasn’t the worst of them.

Then they were on the move. Missy was stopped for a few moments and when she heard the ancient sound of the engines grinding, she couldn’t help but grin. While a part of her did want to steal his TARDIS, the other part was just revelling in the sound that surrounded her. It had been far too long.

Then they were moving again. Many twists and turns later, they finally came to a stop. Her handcuffs were undone first and finally her blindfold. River and the Doctor helped her out of the chair and into the centre of the room. River then exited with the chair and other supplies. Missy looked around confused, until she understood. “A Zero Room?”

The Doctor shrugged. “More accurate to say a cross between a Zero Room and a Loom.”

Missy looked around and understood. “How long with this take?”

The Doctor offered a smirk. “You’ll be in here, it won’t matter to you.”

“How long?”

“No idea. It’s not like anything like this has been done before. It’s an experiment. Isn’t that exciting?”

“So your dream of keeping me is finally coming true.”

“I have far better things to keep these days, Missy. This is about trying to heal you.”

She nodded. He did as well. “Rest well, Missy.”

With that he closed the door and the Room activated and Missy no longer had any sense of anything around her.

The Doctor stood at the observation window with his arms crossed and watched Missy for a long time. River came up behind him and wrapped her arms around him and rested her chin on his shoulder. “It’s like a stasis pod?”

The Doctor hummed. “Close enough. A bit more than that for Time Lords.”

River nodded once. “So, she’s as secure as she can be.”

The Doctor nodded. “The TARDIS will start the treatments and alert me when they’re complete.”

“So, how long _will_ it take?”

“No idea. Could be weeks. Or only hours. Somewhere between those, I think. It’s fine, she won’t know. It’ll be only a few moments for her.”

River nodded. “And for me?”

The Doctor finally wrapped his hands around hers. “Should be instantaneous.”

River heard doubt in his tone. “But?”

“Nothing. You’ll be fine.”

She shook her head at him. “Out with it Doctor. What aren’t you telling me?”

He sighed. Honestly, he was surprised it had taken her that long. “It’s unlikely you’ll ever be able to have children.”

River swallowed. She had considered it, of course she had. But to be confronted with losing it was something else entirely. “I’m over 200, if I haven’t had children yet, I don’t think I ever will. Just another way I take after mother.”

“You don’t have to be brave for me, River. It’s still a loss.”

“But I’m gaining everything else. I never really thought children were a possibility for me anyway.”

The Doctor nodded. He could relate. That’s how he had felt about Jenny. Donna had set him straight only for him to lose Jenny anyway.

River held him tighter for a moment. “I’m ready, Doctor. Can we please just do it now?”

The Doctor looked at her and nodded. “If the TARDIS says so, she had estimated forty-eight hours, but she usually tells me such to force me to rest.”

He first took the TARDIS out of the Vortex and parked her in the garden on Darillium. Then he and River went to the medbay. The TARDIS had the serum ready. River changed into some surgical tops and bottoms, then got onto the cot and got as comfortable as she could. The Doctor gathered his supplies and prepared for the procedure. He had mixed feelings about doing this. On the one hand, he wouldn’t trust anyone else to do this. On the other, he was terrified he would do more harm than good to his wife.

Then she looked at him… All of his doubt was pushed away by the love he found in her eyes. And he knew he had to do all he could to save her.

“I have to use an actual needle, I’m afraid.”

River nodded. He positioned the scanner so that he could target the problem cells. But in some ways, their bond told him more about if he was on track or not. He slowly inserted the needle and then pushed the drug into the ovary on the first side and then repeated it on the other side.

When he finished he set everything to be sterilised in the autoclave. Then he turned back to River. “It will hurt for a few days, not just from the needle, but from the pressure of the fluid as well. Once that goes down, everything should be back to normal.”

River grimaced as she slowly sat up. “Hmm. No sex tonight, dear.”

The Doctor smiled softly at her. “Well that makes two of us.”

He didn't think he could have sex knowing that Missy was onboard the TARDIS anyway.  River just looked at him. “It’s still not a great universe, Sweetie.”

The Doctor was confused. “How do you mean?”

“Sarcasm still doesn’t help.”

He nodded. “Fair enough. Do you feel like eating?”

River shook her head. “Can we stay on the TARDIS tonight. I know you have your rules and all, but…”

The Doctor nodded. “It had always been my plan.” He helped her to her feet and then slowly they walked to their bedroom. Well, it was more that he gently helped her to limp along her since she wouldn’t let him carry her.

He helped her to change into comfortable clothes and then tucked her into bed. Then he curled behind her, being careful of the injection sites. He wasn’t going to be able to sleep. But he couldn’t leave her. He was still unsure if any of this had been the right thing.

The Doctor monitored River closely over the next couple of days. Even when they moved back into the house, he would scan her with his sonic and try to sense things through their bond. The bond had weakened again, which made him sad, but it wasn’t gone completely. Such a severing would have been quite painful for him and he was glad he didn’t have to find a way to hide that from River. Still, the weakness worried him and he hoped it didn’t mean it was just going to fade to nothing. He saved his panic for the times he went to check on Missy. He didn’t want to worry River.

The TARDIS encouraged him to stay away for a few more days. The Doctor hated that idea, but she reminded him that River was the one who needed him right now and she would watch over Missy.

So, he did. Slowly, over the next several days, things between River and him returned to normal. The bond stopped weakening and they worked on some exercises to try to strengthen it again. That was a slow process and it seemed to not help much, but at least it wasn’t weakening any longer.

They were both apprehensive about being intimate physically. The Doctor was afraid to hurt River either through his energy or starting too soon after the procedure. River was mourning. Not that she would ever admit it properly, but she was sad that there was a high probability she wouldn’t ever be able to have children. And like she had said to Amy, so very long ago: “Never let him see the damage and never ever let him see you age.”

She was sat reading a book in her chair and she watched him as he paced around the sitting room. She couldn’t help his anxiety and she just had to let him be. She should trust him more, though. This him. She smirked to herself as she watched him. This man, Time Lord, had earned her love and trust all over again. And no matter how much he hated endings, and she knew for him, this would be an ending, he was staying with her. How she thought of him was changing. And she was quickly starting to see this version of him as ‘the real Doctor’. She got to see everything that he had always tried so hard to hide before.

She set her book aside and got up to approach him. She said nothing as she stopped him from pacing and cupped his cheek with her hand. She leaned in and offered a soft and gentle kiss. He responded in kind, but looked confused when she only smiled at him and said nothing.

The Doctor then frowned. “What is it?”

She took his hand and led him to the couch where they both sat down. “You were right about me. And I’m not being fair to you.”

He shook his head. He didn’t understand. She smiled and continued. “You don’t like endings. I told mother once to never let you see the damage. But you looked so young then, and more often than not acted younger. But now… What we have here… You’ve stayed and you’ve shown me so much of what you’ve been through and I haven’t done the same.”

The Doctor shook his head. “You’ve never had to and you never will.”

She shook her head. “You’re wrong Doctor. I _do_ have to, if not for you, then for me.” He nodded once and she continued. “I will be sad if I can’t have children. But I never really imagined that as a possibility for us anyway. You’ve given me a chance at life. And I won’t throw away the time we have together by being sad about something I never really thought I could have.”

The Doctor pulled her into his arms and held her tightly. “River, don’t hide these things from me, please.”

She snuggled into him and nodded. “I got so used to hiding so much from you when you looked so young. When you _acted_ so young… It might take time for me to learn how. But…”

The Doctor heard her sniffle as she stopped speaking. He gently ran his hand against her head. “I’m here, River and I’m not going anywhere until I have to.”

He could say that somewhat easily, since he knew she would be leaving him.

At that, River started to cry properly. The Doctor just held her and comforted her. Eventually the pair fell asleep like that.

It was a few hours later when the Doctor’s sonic started to chirp, waking the Doctor and River. Before he even made a move to check it, he looked at River. “Better?”

She offered a weary smile. “Not as much as I’d hoped. But getting there.”

She sat up properly so that the Doctor could reach his sonic. He frowned at it and looked over at River. “Seems to be the TARDIS, but no message has come through, shall we go take a look?”

Then River did smile. “Yes, I think that would do me some good.”

He stood first and offered his hand to help her up. Then, hand-in-hand they made their way to the TARDIS. He was confused when he entered and didn’t see any message on the monitor. He shrugged his shoulder at River and then saw a lit pathway and he gestured that they should follow it.

After about ten minutes and many twists and turns, they arrived at the Room. The Doctor was confused and spoke to the ceiling. “Why didn’t you just let us come straight here?”

That was when he heard Missy’s voice crying out. “Doctor!”

River looked horrified. “I… didn’t know that could happen in a Zero Room.”

“I said it was a combination between a Zero Room and a Loom. Besides, Missy has always been strong mentally. Observation window.”

He pointed to it and River nodded as they went to take a peek.

Missy was pacing. No, stalking. She was clearly trying to find a way out of the place. But she was completely healed. River gasped when she saw her. “It’s like nothing happened.”

The Doctor nodded. “That energy can create new life, so yes.”

He clearly wasn’t surprised, but River could see worry and doubt etched on his features. “Sweetie, what is it?”

“I never thought past healing her. I don’t know what to do now.”

River looked from the Doctor back to Missy. “Send her back.”

“What?”

“Give her a vortex manipulator and put her back on Skaro.”

“I can’t do that! What happened to us making a go at being friends?”

She shook her head. “The TARDIS is anxious and not just because of what happened before. Darling, please, just drop her off on some out of the way part and she’ll have a vortex manipulator, so she can get back on her own.”

The Doctor hummed; there was doubt in that tone.

“You’ve done all you can for her. Please.”

The Doctor pulled a hand down his face and nodded. “I need to go see if I have a spare.”

Because there was no way he was going to give away River’s.

The TARDIS was much more accommodating this time, and let them get back to the console room right away.

It took about an hour for the Doctor to find a vortex manipulator and another hour for him to reprogram it and lock out it’s ability to find TARDISes. When he finished it, he looked River up and down. “Battle ready, just in case?”

River nodded and went to change. She knew what he meant.

Another half hour passed and they met at the observation window. The Doctor was clearly carrying the weight of the universe about him. River nodded that she was ready. The Doctor spoke quietly. “I’m going in there.”

She nodded again and stepped away from the door. She knew what her job was in this case and she would hold to it until her last breath.

The Doctor entered the chamber but left the door open. “Missy. You look… it worked!”

She grinned when saw him, but then grew cold. “So, you have me trapped and now you’re just going to keep me?”

He shook his head. “No. I said I would try to heal you and that has happened.”

“Yes, it has. I am grateful. But we never discussed what would happen after.”

He nodded and echoed her last word. “After…” He paused for a moment. “I’m going to send you on your way.”

“You’re just going to do that, are you?”

He nodded. “We talked about starting again and I think that might be a good way for both of us.”

Missy regarded him. She tried to parse if he was being honest. She couldn’t tell if he wanted to do what he had offered, but he was honest about it. “And where are you sending me?”

The Doctor shifted slightly, but his nerves were revealed and Missy didn’t like that at all. “It’s been suggested that I provide a Vortex Manipulator to you and then leave you on Skaro.”

Missy’s eyes went wide with abject terror. “No! Doctor, you can’t. After everything they did...”

The Doctor approached Missy and rested his hands on her shoulders to calm her. “Missy, you won’t have to stay long. I’ll leave you in a remote area. Just long enough for you to program the manipulator to take you where you want to go.”

“So was it your pet wife or your TARDIS?”

The Doctor shrugged one shoulder. "Both. But you can understand why? And it won’t be like before. Here.”

He handed the manipulator to her. “You can even pre-program it. You don’t have to be on the planet any longer than it takes for you to teleport away.”

Missy took the strap from the Doctor and put it on. Then she looked at everything. “You’ve locked out one of the locator services.”

The Doctor nodded. “No TARDIS hunting for you. I might have forgiven you, but that doesn’t mean I trust you.”

She nodded. “Fair enough.”

“The other option is that I could keep you here?”

Missy shook her head. “If I learned anything from my recent time with the Daleks, it’s that a few minutes on the scariest planet in the universe is worth my freedom.”

The Doctor nodded and offered a grim smile. “You’ll stay in touch?”

“Oh Doctor, when haven’t I?”

He nodded and then turned to where the observation window was and nodded again. River came in with the pushchair.

Missy smirked. “Now this one I can see is into bondage, I’m a little surprised at you, Doctor.”

The Doctor rolled his eyes, but relaxed when Missy sat down and didn’t fight them as they put the handcuffs, blindfold, and foot-cuffs on her. Then they wheeled her to the control room. The Doctor activated the coordinates and soon they were on Skaro. The Doctor and River then wheeled Missy out onto the planet’s surface, undid the cuffs and blindfold and then River wheeled the items back inside, leaving the Doctor and Missy to their goodbyes.

Missy looked around them. “I like Earth better.”

“You can’t have it, you know what I’ll do…”

Missy nodded. “Might be fun, though.”

“Come find me in about twenty-four years.” Okay, so he had rounded up.

Missy cocked her head and then looked in the direction of the TARDIS. “Oh, I see. That’s all the time you have left with her.”

The Doctor nodded and offered Missy a pleading look, since he couldn’t voice it.

Missy nodded. “I suppose you did give me this and really, it’s more than I expected.”

“I’m trying.”

“I know.” She paused for a moment. “Until the next time, Doctor.”

Before the Doctor could even reply, she teleported away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Finished the Missy bits before Series 10 starts! (Though I had planned to finish the entire fic by then, but what can you do?)


	31. Chapter 31

The Doctor monitored River’s recovery over the next several days. Finally he declared that the serum had done its job and there were no more cancer cells. River smiled. “So, if this were an experiment, the next step would be to see if it continued to work when we…”

The Doctor cleared his throat. “Yes, that…”

River grinned playfully. “Oh, Doctor, don’t tell me we have to start over again from the beginning.”

He hedged. “Not from the beginning, no. But given everything that’s happened recently, the mood might be a bit difficult to attain.”

She raised an eyebrow at her husband and cupped his cheeks between her hands. Then she leaned in and placed a gentle kiss to his lips. It was meant to comfort him, not to challenge him. It took a few moments, but he responded briefly and then they ended the kiss.

“We’ll be just fine, you know.”

He smiled at her. “I know.”

River didn’t pressure the sex issue. While she was curious and had missed the intimacy they experienced when they had sex, she also knew that this particular issue would not improve if she kept pestering him about it. In fact, she was afraid that they would have to start over from the beginning if she pestered him too much. So, instead, she adapted. She came up with some adventures they could share around the planet. Besides, there was always her research that she needed to continue.

When they did finally have sex again, it was rather magical for the waiting. Further tests proved that the serum continued to work and it didn’t harm the Doctor in any detectable way. Still, River never pressed the Doctor to have sex when he didn’t want to. She had grown to love that for this him in particular, sex really did mean something special to him, and she wouldn’t be the one to ruin that in his eyes.

For his part, the Doctor was romantic in his own ways. He would take her to the top of the towers for a picnic and play his guitar for her or take her on fun little dates to the cinema. Mostly, the biggest gift he gave to her was that he was genuinely content to be spending all of this time on Darillium with her. If he ever got antsy, he didn’t show it.

This didn’t mean that they didn’t have a few off-planet adventures. After all, things happened and he needed to take care of them. However, the precious few years they had together, they spent together. The Doctor cherished every one of them and he would spot River writing about them in her ‘Darillium Diary’. This pleased him more than he ever thought it could.

They developed a few friends along the way, but Nardole always took a priority for the pair when they wanted to have the experience of having a ‘close friend’. Of course, over time, the Doctor had discovered that Nardole was a friend. If things had been different, he might have even asked Nardole along to travel with him. As things were, it was nice to have someone he considered as a friend.

It was about three weeks after their five-year anniversary on Darillium when River found the Doctor taking some time in the Fort. She smiled as she just watched him a few moments. She then came to climb onto the bed.

The Doctor knew she was there. Even if he hadn’t heard the door quietly open, the bond told him where she was nearly constantly now. Which was a reassuring thing. He had grown to love her so deeply and he was pleased that was reflected in their bond.

River leant over him and gently kissed his forehead. “Hello, Sweetie.”

The Doctor hummed in reply and opened his eyes to look at his wife. He smiled as he raised a hand to move a stray curl away from her face. “Hello.” He watched her for a minute and then his brow furrowed. “What’s wrong?”

She made herself comfortable next to him, resting on her side so she could look at him. The Doctor turned on his side to mirror her. “I’m not sure I’d say anything is ‘wrong’. Just…”

The Doctor looked confused. They had settled into this life quite nicely. They weren’t stuck – they had a few adventures to prove that to themselves, but their time together needed to be just them – as a couple. Even with these thoughts rapidly flowing through his mind, the Doctor waited. He had grown a bit in his patience, at least when it came to River.

River sighed. “Every time I try to bring up anything with the Silence, you always find a way to not talk about it.”

His features softened. “It’s only because I know it will hurt you. I don’t want you to hurt. Besides, you want to do it telepathically, and that complicates things. We both know there are things that you’ve forgotten and it may be better that way.”

“Doctor, at this point, I feel like there’s a wall between us. I don’t know how to tear it down.” She reached out and took one of his hands in her own. She brought the back of his hand to her lips in a gentle kiss. “Please. Help me.”

He could never refuse her. Not really. But there was something different in how she asked this time. Until now, he had worried how her unknown memories might hurt her. He hadn’t thought how it might be affecting their relationship. Well, why would he? Everything was fine. Clearly, he was wrong. He had shared as much as he could with her. He did it verbally, because it was how she preferred to communicate. Now she was offering the same to him. He swallowed thickly and nodded. “Okay.”

River’s expression opened slightly in surprise. “Really?”

He nodded. “In the past we had talked about using the TARDIS…”

She shook her head. “That was before I understood the bond or how your telepathy works. I know you won’t do anything to hurt me.”

“Yes. But we still must be cautious. There’s no way to know what kind of defences you’ve developed on your own without being aware of them.”

She understood. “Can we… just stay here, then? I feel comfortable and safe here.”

The Doctor was quiet for a long minute as he considered it. “I would hate for this to become a bad space for you, if this doesn’t go well.”

“Even if that happens, then we have time to rebuild it back to being a good space.”

He pulled back slightly to look at her properly. “You’ve really thought this through.”

She offered a small smirk. “You’ve been avoiding it for over five years. I didn’t want to just ask ‘why’. I needed to figure it out and understand it in my own time.”

He nodded and snuggled back closer to her again. “You really are ready, then.”

“Well, as ready as I can be. So, how do we start?”

It was the Doctor’s turn to smirk. “I’d say we already have.”

He gestured that they should get into a more comfortable position. She frowned at him. “What about contact points.”

He smiled. “This is something far more intimate. So, it requires a gesture that represents that.”

River’s frown deepened for a moment and then she understood. “Touching our foreheads.”

It was a statement and the Doctor nodded. They nestled into each other’s arms. After a moment or two, he brought their foreheads together. While he knew that River wanted to share things with him, he also knew that he would have to be the guide. This was a case of River literally not knowing where to go or how to get there.

At first he just let them get used to each other being connected in this way. “Okay, River, remember, if there’s anything you know you’re not ready for me to see, just imagine a closed door. I think I know what to look for, but it might take some poking about.”

“I trust you, but if that will make it easier to find what you’re looking for, I’ll do that.”

There were, after all, some things she knew he didn’t need to know. Like what happened between her and her other husbands. Not that she thought the Doctor might hold it against her, she knew he wouldn’t but because they had taken a ‘don’t ask/don’t tell’ approach to those things.

The Doctor proceeded to wander around River’s mind. After a few minutes he sighed. “I’m going about this wrong. River, this might be uncomfortable, but I’m going to first see if they did any physical damage to your brain.”

She only hummed in reply.

He looked for the entrance that would let him out of this side of her mind and then started to explore her brain physically. Because, if there was physical damage, well, not much he could do about any memories in the damaged areas. He took his time, going over each part of her brain, slowly and methodically. After some time, he broke contact with her.

River opened her eyes and looked at the Doctor. He looked tired, in a way she hadn’t seen before. “Doctor?”

“I’m fine. You’re fine. I just…”

“What is it? What did you find?”

He swallowed and closed his eyes. “There was damage to some areas. I fixed what I could, but…”

River huffed. “I hate it when you do that. You always make it sound worse than it is. Just tell me!”

The Doctor nodded. “Some of the damaged areas were where memories are stored. I couldn’t fix them and it’s possible that those memories can never be recovered.”

“Well, that’s fine. I mean, I’m in no worse shape, then.”

“River, depending on how those memories are connected to others, this whole process might be difficult.” He gently played with one of her curly locks. “I just want to make sure you still want to do this.”

She reached up to catch his hand in hers. “I told you that I feel like this is putting some kind of wall between us. I just want that wall to come down.”

He nodded. “Okay. Close your eyes and remember if there’s anything you’re not ready for me to see, just imagine a closed door.”

River nodded and closed her eyes. “I trust you with everything.”

He leant forward and kissed her forehead. “I know you do.”

It was honestly one of the things that worried him. But for now, he had something far more important to focus on. He closed his eyes and put their foreheads together again. Then he murmured, “Contact.”

This time, when the Doctor entered River’s mind, there was a bit more chaos. He knew some of that was because she hadn’t had time to sort the memories from the repairs he had made, but he wondered if some of it was simply because of her emotions about everything. Besides, she should be here. “River?”

He was quiet for a few moments, hoping she would reply. When he was about to give up, he felt her hand slide into his. “Here, my Love.”

He gave her hand a squeeze and she squeezed it in return. “So, what do you want to know that you don’t already?”

“Well, the point of this is to share things I’ve forgotten and so you could never know.”

He nodded. “Then we are looking for the grey areas. Or the obscure.”

She hummed her acknowledgement. “So a door; like that?”

She pointed to one that seemed to be fuzzy around the jambs. He nodded. “Precisely like that.”

The couple approached the door. It was cracked open just a bit, so he knew he was allowed to enter. He paused and turned to face his wife. “You don’t have to do this.”

She smiled at him. “Even if I don’t do it for you, I should do it for me.”

He nodded. “Fair enough.”

He pushed open the door. A maelstrom greeted them. Some of the images were familiar to the Doctor, but most were not. The Doctor raised a hand and followed the threads through he bond to gain just enough control of River’s mind to calm the room. River looked at him. “How did you do that? I couldn’t even do that!”

The Doctor nodded once. “Practice. And the bond. I’m sorry.  Do you mind?”

River shook her head, still a bit speechless. The Doctor gave her hand a squeeze and gave her a moment to collect herself. Finally she swallowed. “There are things here that I had vague wisps… But I had no idea I still had access to them…”

The Doctor nodded. “We can stop here, if you want. It could take a bit for you to integrate the memories again.”

“I want both. I feel like I need to stop and that I want to share this process with you.”

The Doctor pulled her into a hug and then kissed her on the forehead. “You can have both. Just not at the same time. I think we’ve done enough for one day. We should let your mind rest and finish recovering. Sleep would be good for you.”

“Don’t leave me?” River’s voice sounded so small and it nearly broke the Doctor’s hearts.

“Not as long as I’m able.”

At that, River nodded. She wasn’t happy with the change of plans, but she understood it. “I’m ready.”

“I’ll see you on the other side then.”

The Doctor slowly and carefully backed out of River’s mind and into his own. He opened his eyes and worried momentarily when River didn’t open hers. He sighed with relief when she finally did. He looked at her carefully. “Are you okay?”

She hummed and nodded her head. “Just tired.”

“That’s to be expected. You should rest.”

She hummed again and snuggled more into her husband’s arms. “Stay?”

“Of course.”

It was only a few moments later that the Doctor could tell that River had drifted off to sleep. He momentarily considered using their bond to ensure she slept, but thought better of it. Instead he stayed with her until he was sure she was sleeping deeply. Then he got up in order to fix a meal that would be good for them following the mental exercises they had performed.

He made his way to the kitchen and started to assemble a meal for them. He went out to the TARDIS to gather some ingredients that were native to Earth, while he knew River would understand if he used some from other planets, he figured the ones from Earth would provide a comfort to her.

Through their bond, he could tell she was still asleep so he knew he still had enough time. He made a breading for some chicken made up of barley, crushed walnuts and cashews, and milk. For a side, he had black-eyed peas and lentils with chopped apples. He poured nebbiolo wine over everything, then set it in the oven to bake. They would have some beer to drink and a chocolate dessert to complete the meal.

He chuckled to himself as he started to put the meal onto plates. River was a smart woman, he wondered if she would pick up on the common theme. He could feel her as she started to wake and knew he had planned the meal just right. He left the kitchen and returned to the Fort. He curled up next to her so she would feel safe as she woke.

River slowly opened her eyes and found herself facing the Doctor. “Hello, Sweetie.”

He leant in and gave her a quick kiss on the lips. “Hello. How are you feeling.”

She shrugged and looked confused. “I… I’m not sure.”

He nodded. “It’s normal. Come on, I have a meal that should help with it.”

She let him help her to her feet and they wandered to the kitchen. It wasn’t until they got to dessert that she pieced everything together. She looked up at him with a knowing grin. “Let me guess. Tannins?”

The Doctor grinned in reply. “It’s great for the synapses. Helps them all to align properly again.”

“It’s very sweet of you. Thank you.”

“It’s the best I could do to take care of you, since this is partly my fault.”

She coughed slightly. “’You’re welcome.’”

The Doctor rolled his eyes. “Fine. You’re welcome.”

“That’s better.” She paused for a moment. “Well, I feel well enough to do the dishes.”

“Oh no, I can’t let you…”

“Let me put it this way: I need some awake alone time, so go find something to do, Husband.”

“Very well, Wife.”

He stood and cleared his plate. As he passed her to return to the rest of the house, he planted a kiss atop her head. “Let me know if you need anything.”

“I will. I promise.”

With that he nodded and left.

For the most part, River actually did feel pretty good. There were just a few memories that were new and she wasn’t sure how she felt about those. Overall she was glad to know that her inability to access some of her memories was more due to damage than anything else. She could work with that. It wasn’t as ideal as being able to regain them, but at least she knew why. And she trusted the Doctor had healed everything he could. So, perhaps this was a case of letting sleeping bears lie.


	32. Chapter 32

They were into their eighteenth year when the body of Hydroflax started to fail completely. Over the years, the Doctor and River had kept the mechanics going by making necessary repairs. If they couldn’t find the parts, they would build them from scratch from bits and bobs all over the TARDIS, but the reality was, they were fighting a losing battle. They all knew it, but none of them wanted to admit it.

Ramone had died the year before. It was a delicate thing separating his head from the rest of the body in a way to not cause any damage to Nardole. Ultimately, procedure for final separation had to be completed in the TARDIS medical bay. The death happened a bit unexpectedly, the Doctor wasn’t sure if they could save Nardole. So, for now, they left Nardole in Hydroflax.

But now? Now there was nothing more that could be done. Nardole needed to be returned to a proper body. Or at least as proper as he could get.

While the removal of Ramone’s head the year before had given the Doctor and TARDIS some insights into the working of Hydroflax’s body, it wasn’t enough. The Doctor and River spent the next year preparing for what they knew would have to happen eventually. Their research led them all over Darillium. It was a good thing the planet was a tourist stop; they were able to talk to a lot of different people they normally wouldn’t be able to. And get parts under-the-table and a bit on the black market.

The Doctor wasn’t happy to do work with such people, but if it meant a chance at saving Nardole, well, he’d do it – and work undercover to turn those folks over to the authorities when he was done making the deal. Win-win in his mind. But even with knowledge of advanced civilisations that the Doctor and River possessed, the procedure was a risk.

Nardole took everything in stride. After all, a chance at life was better than no chance at all.

When the time came, the Doctor and River both tried to explain to Nardole what would happen. He whimpered softly. “Really, you don’t have to tell me. In fact, I think it’s better that I don’t know. Just tell me, you’ll knock me out, right? I won’t know what’s going on?”

River smiled up at him. “Now what kind of boss would I be if I let you suffer any more than you already have?”

Nardole pursed his lips. “It wasn’t you I was worried about.”

At that, the Doctor raised an eyebrow. “Seriously? Me?”

Nardole glared down at the Doctor. “I know what you’re capable of.”

The Doctor shifted anxiously under that glare. “Fine. I promise that we will do everything in our power to make sure you don’t feel any pain.”

Nardole’s glare deepened. “I.”

The Doctor looked confused and River gestured with her head that he should do as the man asked. The Doctor sighed. “Okay. I promise that _I_ will do everything _I_ can to make sure you don’t feel any pain.”

Nardole nodded in agreement and the trio went to the TARDIS for the procedure.

It didn’t quite go to plan. The Doctor actually had to put Nardole’s head in a cryogenic stasis container for three days, because the body needed far more work than they thought. It was an unfortunate circumstance and given how Nardole had lived in Hydroflax’s body for so many years, they weren’t sure what would happen when they finally attached his head to the new body.

The night after day two, River forced the Doctor to take a break. She literally dragged him from the Medical Bay to the Fort in their house. She knew she wouldn’t be able to distract him entirely, but there was something more that seemed to be bothering him. “You haven’t spoken two words since I dragged you here. And I know it’s more than just your concern for Nardole.”

The Doctor grimaced, but he and River knew each other too well now for him to be able to avoid talking to her. He sighed. “I don’t know how to explain it. I just…”

River leant in and placed a gentle kiss against his temple to let him know she was listening. They didn’t need many words these days, which they both on different occasions would attribute to the bond, but both of them also knew the reality was they just knew each other that well. Talking had become a way to show deeper conversation at this point in their relationship.

The Doctor nodded. “I just wonder if I’m doing the right thing. Or if I’m being more like Frankenstein.”

River hadn’t expected that. “You mean the horror story? You think you’re like him? Why?”

“Because, I’m basically doing the same thing. All kinds of different body parts assembled together to create a new body for him."

River smiled softly. She didn’t laugh at him, even though she thought he was being an idiot. She snuggled closer to him. “Doctor, what is your motivation for doing that?”

“What do you mean? If I don’t, Nardole will die. If I can, I have to find a way to save him.”

River hummed in agreement. “And why did Frankenstein build his creature?”

The Doctor shrugged as a way to avoid River’s point. She gave him a look until he answered. His reply was soft, almost embarrassed. “To have some kind of power or control over life.”

River hummed again. The Doctor turned slightly and kissed the corner of her mouth. “Shush. I need to be an idiot sometimes.”

“I know. Which is why I didn’t say anything, only asked the right questions. But, you haven’t been in this kind of state in sometime, which tells me you are overtired. So, do you want me to stay with you while you sleep, or will you do better alone?”

At the question, he wrapped River up in his arms and moved about half of his body to cover her. She wasn’t going to be going anywhere without his permission. She chuckled softly. “I suppose I’ll take this as ‘I should stay.’”

This time it was the Doctor’s turn to hum in agreement. It wasn’t long after that he relaxed enough to fall asleep.

River woke a few hours later and was able to slowly wiggle herself out of the Doctor’s hold without waking him. She went and prepared a simple breakfast with coffee, muffins, and fixings. It was about thirty minutes later when the Doctor met her in the kitchen. He had showered and changed. He looked completely different due to the respite he had. She couldn’t help but smile at him. She gestured to the table.

“Eat before you go back. Your brain needs food as much as it needed rest.”

The Doctor knew better than to argue with River at this point. After all, she never really pushed him or criticised his habits these days, unless he needed to be pushed like that. So he sat down and waited for her to serve him.  “Just something,” he looked at the plate and mug she sat before him, “light.” He smiled up at her. “I think you know me too well.”

“I don’t think that’s ever going to be possible. I’ll settle for ‘well enough’ though.” River smiled as she sat down with her own food and drink. “Today’s the day, I think.”

The Doctor hummed and nodded. “I think so too. I just hope he’s not too upset to discover how much time has passed.”

River chuckled. “Better than if we had left him awake for all of it, trust me. I’ve known him longer than you.”

The Doctor looked up at her and smiled. “I’d trust you anyway.”

River smirked. “Don’t start flirting now, or we might not get back to the TARDIS.”

The Doctor raised an eyebrow at her. “Is that a promise for later?”

“It can be.”

“Good.”

With that, he finished his coffee, stood, kissed her on the top of her head, and started to head toward the TARDIS. “Then I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

It took the Doctor most of the morning to put the finishing touches on the new body he had assembled for Nardole. The most difficult and delicate part was to attach his head to the new body. But to do that, he had to be taken out of stasis. The TARDIS assured the Doctor that everything was ready and it was time.

The Doctor took Nardole out of the stasis and let the TARDIS run her checks. The only problem the Doctor noticed was that Nardole’s emotions were not what some would call ‘human’. He shrugged at the readout. “Well, I don’t really know what’s normal for him, but given what we knew of him, that seems pretty close.”

Which was honestly more than he expected. He nodded at the TARDIS to begin the task of separating the neck from the Hydroflax connector collar. It was a long and tedious process. He hoped attaching the head to the body would go easier. It didn’t. The entire process start to finish took them about six hours. When he was nearly ready to wake Nardole up, River appeared in the room. She swallowed thickly and approached her husband. “It seemed time… through the bond.”

He nodded in reply. He looked completely worn out. “Just a matter of waking him up. Every test I’ve run says that everything should work.”

River nodded and rested her hand on top of his. “Let me? If… I want it to be me.”

The Doctor nodded. “Okay.”

He moved to stand closer to Nardole so he could monitor the body easier as the man woke. River nodded to him once he was in place and she pressed the button that would release the chemical to wake Nardole up.

A minute or two passed and River looked worried over at the Doctor. “Shouldn’t he have woken by now?”

The Doctor shook his head. “That’s very sci-fi of you. No. It takes time for the synapses in the brain to register that they have a whole body to work with now. In the same way that a body slowly shuts down, it takes a while to come online, as it were.”

She hummed in reply. “Is there anything we can do to make it easier on him?”

“Possibly Tannins. But I don’t actually know, River. It’s not like I go around reattaching people’s heads to bodies everyday.”

River looked up at her husband and pursed her lips. “Is the attitude because you’re worried or because you’re tired?”

He swallowed. “Probably a bit of both. He’s my friend too. And if this doesn’t work...”

There would be more to it than just Nardole’s death. Something inside of him might break too.

River considered her husband for a long moment. “Maybe you should take a kip on a cot. All we’re doing right now is waiting anyway. I am quite capable of monitoring him and can wake you if anything changes.”

The Doctor wasn’t about to argue with her, when he felt a nudge from the TARDIS telling him to do the same. He sighed and relented. “If it will get both of you to shut up and leave me alone, fine.”

River smirked and softly chuckled. Once the Doctor was lying on a cot, she came over and lent over to place a gentle kiss to his lips. “It’s only because we love you.”

He kissed her back briefly. “I know. And that’s the only reason I’m willing to obey.”

She smiled down at him and ran her fingers gently through his hair a couple of times before returning her attention to Nardole. A part of her doubted that he would sleep, but she was glad he was trying. She sent calming thoughts through the bond and continued to reassure him that she was watching after Nardole.

The Doctor eventually fell asleep. It wasn’t until he smelled fresh hot sandwiches that he registered he heard a couple voices talking in low tones. At one point, River’s laugh rang out so pure that he couldn’t help but wake. He looked around and it took him a moment to register he was in the Medical Bay and that the two voices belonged to River and Nardole.  That instantly woke him up. “I thought you were going to wake me up if anything changed!”

The Doctor’s voice was laced with worry. He pulled out his sonic and started to scan Nardole. River rose from her seat and approached her husband. “Sweetie, calm down. I had the TARDIS scan him before I let him get up. She reported that everything was functioning as it should.”

The Doctor’s face was still laced with deep worry, but through the bond, River felt a sense of betrayal. She reached up and cupped his cheek. “I promise that if anything had been wrong, I would have woken you. The TARDIS merely suggested tea and since we had already talked about tannins, it was something I could handle.”

The Doctor took a breath and relaxed. “Okay.” Then he approached Nardole. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I have a brand new body."  Nardole quipped at first.  Then he grew more serious. "I know that everyone dies eventually, but I really wasn’t ready yet.”

The Doctor couldn’t help a small smile at that. “Well, I guess since you’ve gone through all this work for a snack, I should probably join you.”

River pulled another chair over to the table for the Doctor. He sat down and tucked into the meal. Things were eerily quiet as he ate. He felt like he interrupted some important conversation, but really the other two were just giving him a chance to wake up properly. Once they were nursing only tea, the conversation picked up again and it wasn’t all that different from all the conversations they had when Nardole had been in the body of Hydroflax.

The Doctor didn’t allow the trio to leave the TARDIS for five days, so he and the TARDIS could properly track Nardole’s recovery and adjustment to having a normal sized body again. He honestly had expected the three of them to get onto each other’s nerves. But he ended up realising that they were an odd sort of family. It was going to be strange in a few years when they all parted to their different directions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter for me, but it made sense for this one.
> 
> Also, can I just say how excited I am at how little of this story is AU’d with S10? Because it’s pretty exciting.


	33. Chapter 33

The Doctor had spent the better part of the past five years avoiding talking about what was going to happen on their last ‘day’ together.  But now, that day was only a month away and he was troubled.  Although River had helped him to learn to talk about his feelings, he couldn’t talk about this.  Not the way he wanted or needed to.  Timelines had to be preserved.  His timeline.  She had told him not to change one line of their time together.  Yet, she only knew that their last night together meant that she would die sometime before getting to see him again.  Based on some conversations she had in order to line up work once the sun rose, he was certain it was a far shorter amount of time than even he could have imagined.

River had noticed, of course she did.  But she actually wasn’t any better at talking about this sort of thing.  All she could do was try to hold on to the Doctor as long as he would let her.  It was pointless to try to get him to open up.  After all, that is what had caused the near-argument twenty-four years ago when they had first arrived here.  He knew the future and wasn’t able to say and she had researched their future and didn’t want her findings to be confirmed.

In alternating turns, and never together, they would talk to Nardole about such things, which left the partial android in a bit of a bind.  Because he didn’t feel he could reveal such intimate details to each other.  But he wasn’t comfortable knowing all the information he knew, either.  River was the one who talked to him more often.  The Doctor had the TARDIS, so while some things were told to Nardole, he knew the bulk of things the Doctor kept to himself.

One day, when the Doctor was doing some necessary TARDIS maintenance, (she hadn’t travelled properly in so long, the Doctor wanted to be sure everything was functional) Nardole cornered him.  “You have to talk to her, Sir.”

“I really don’t.”

“You do.  She needs you.  You’re pulling away from her.  I understand why, I do, but you’re grieving her while you still have her in front of you.  You shouldn’t be apart from her for any amount of time at all.”

“Nardole,” he sighed softly, “I’ve been grieving her from the moment she gave her life to save mine.  This time we’ve had together only makes it worse.”

“I don’t understand.”

The Doctor came out from under the console and looked at the part-android for a long time.  He tossed the tool he was holding into a little box of other tools and closed the lid to the section he had been working on.  Then he made his way to the stairs and sat down.

“Because I know she will see me again, but I won’t see her.  And when she does, I will hurt her in the worst possible way.  Even when I do that, she’ll still give her life to save mine.  How do I not pull away knowing that’s what happens?”

Nardole for his part had crossed his arms, ready to fight the Doctor, if need be, in order to get him to listen.  But when the Doctor allowed him to see a glimpse of the pain the alien was enduring, well, Nardole couldn’t help but soften slightly.  “The pair of you – _this_ you – only has this time left.  If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for her.  Give her everything that younger version of yourself will never be able to.”

“What do you think I’ve _been_ doing?  All of this.  Everything.  Staying put.  It’s all a been about giving her what I never could before and never will again!  What more do you want from me?”

“It’s not about what I want from you, sir.  It’s about what she _needs_.”

The Doctor huffed.  Nardole had clearly been talking to the TARDIS about things.  That was her opinion on the matter too.  However, the TARDIS always thought the Doctor needed to be guided in that way.  “Not sure I like the idea of you thinking you know better what my wife needs than I do.”

“If we want to get particular about amount of time spent together, I probably do know her better.”

The Doctor scowled deeply.  He was getting angry now.

“Ooo-ooo!”  Nardole whinged.  “Wait!  Don’t do that.  I just mean, that…”

The Doctor sighed again.  “I know what you mean.”  His features relaxed into something more neutral.  “I’m afraid if I don’t let go now, that I never will.”

Nardole dared to step closer to the man on the stairs.  He rested his hand on the Doctor’s shoulder.  Nardole knew then just how much the Doctor was suffering because he didn’t tense or try to shake the hand away.  “Doctor, I know you can’t tell her all of this, but couldn’t you at least wait until she’s gone to truly mourn her?  I’m just…  I don’t want her to leave early because she knows you’re pulling away already and you know how she is, she probably would do just that.  If for no other reason than she doesn’t want to see you suffer.”

The Doctor looked up at Nardole with a shocked expression for some moments before he could formulate a reply.  “I’m going to suffer either way.”

Nardole nodded.  “Yes.  But you don’t have to make _her_ suffer too.”

The Doctor frowned again.  “That’s blackmail.”

“Or as I like to call it, ‘the truth’.”

The Doctor pursed his lips but said nothing.  Nardole was right.  He was silent for some moments.  “I don’t know how to fix this.”

“You do, Sir.  You just don’t like the answer.”

“Give her what she needs, even if it breaks my hearts.”

Nardole smiled fondly, but sighed softly with sympathy.  “Isn’t that how you live most of your life?”

The Doctor huffed a derisive sound.  “Why do you think I want this to be different?  River deserves different.”

“Doctor, this time was already written long ago.  It can only end one way.  But here’s the thing:  you get to choose what to do with the time you have left with her.  Do you really want her last memories of you, _this_ you, to be wondering why you’re hiding away in the TARDIS?”

“You need to stop being right about things.”  With that, the Doctor got up and left the TARDIS.

The Doctor made his way into the house.  River was dusting the mantel above the fireplace.  He approached her quietly from behind and wrapped his arms around her.  He rested his forehead against the back of her head.  He breathed softly and took in the smell of her hair.  He squeezed her tightly for a moment.

River chuckled softly.  “Hello, Sweetie."

She lowered her arms from the mantel and wrapped them around his.  He hummed in reply, but he wasn’t ready to speak yet.  Or more accurately, he simply couldn’t speak.

After a few moments, River turned in his arms and he allowed her.  She was shocked by what she saw in his expression.  There was such deep love there, unlike any other time they had been together.  But it was mingled with such sadness and she didn’t know which was more important to address.  She gasped, unable to formulate words under the weight of it.  Finally, she leaned in slowly and as her lips touched his she whispered, “I love you too.”

The kiss was slow, but filled with deep passion from both parties.  The Doctor sent out one thought through the bond: _I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry_.  The emotion of it was so strong that River only lasted a few moments before she had to pull away.  When she could breathe again she looked into the Doctor’s face and saw that he had tears streaming down it.  She cupped his cheeks between both hands and gently wiped the tears away with her thumbs.

They said nothing.  Nothing had to be said.  Even if they hadn’t had the bond, both would know what this was about and the intensity of it would have been just as strong.  That was what twenty-four years had given them: an intimacy they would have never known without it.

River released the Doctor’s face and lowered her arms to wrap him in a tight hug.  He returned it and buried his face at the junction between her neck and shoulder.  He pulled her tightly against him, until both of them had trouble breathing for the pressure of it.  Finally she shifted, just enough to let him know she needed space.  She pulled back and out of his touch.  What she had to say, she wanted to say without any telepathy she had picked up over the years.  She wanted to say this her way.  “Years ago, on the worst day of my life, you told me I was forgiven.  Always and completely.  During the darkest nights in Stormcage, when you couldn’t come.  Those words were my lifeline.  I know how this works – living our lives always out of order.  But, I need you to know, my love, that the same is true for you.  I know there are things you can never tell me.  I know that when the sun rises, I will never see _this_ you again.  But I don’t want you to be sorry for that.  I don’t want you to regret one moment that we’ve had together, because we’ve had it _together_.  And far more important than you being forgiven; you are _loved_.  You will always be my beloved Doctor.”

Her words brought a peace to the Doctor that he hadn’t known in recent weeks.  They did nothing but start the tears streaming down his cheeks again.  He nodded and leant in to kiss her again.  It was no less passionate than before, but the thought that went through the bond this time was: _thank you, thank you, thank you_.

As with the ‘I’m sorrys’, the ‘thank yous’ seemed woefully inadequate.  And yet, both phrases said everything he could possibly think of to say to the amazing woman holding him in her arms.  Not that he didn’t have his arms wrapped around her, but that was one of the things River had taught him: that he didn’t always have to hold everyone else up.  He could let others hold him too.

He finally huffed slightly and pulled out of her arms.  Then he pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and did his best to clean up his face.  He looked at River somewhat sheepishly.  “I’ve been an idiot.”

River allowed a small smirk to pass her lips.  “You have.  But if you weren’t, then I would think something was wrong with you.”

He rolled his eyes as he tucked his handkerchief back into a pocket.  “Let’s go out tonight.  Nothing fancy, just the Chinese place down the road.  Nardole can come too, if you want.”

River shook her head.  “No Nardole.  I think we could use a break from each other.”

The Doctor nodded, he hadn’t wanted to be the one to say it, but he was glad that River didn’t want Nardole to come, or at the very least accepted that’s how he felt about it.

The couple went to dinner and it was as if everything around them and about their relationship reasserted itself to how it had been when they were in the middle of their twenty-four-year stay.  That was good.  It felt right.

They returned home and helped each other change into their bedclothes.  Then they climbed into bed and just held each other for a long time.  They really hadn’t been intimate like this in several weeks.  The Doctor knew it was mostly his fault, but he had been so afraid to let River see any of his fears.

“You think that as if I don’t have fears of my own.”

River’s voice gently cut into the Doctor’s thoughts.  He looked down at her and placed a kiss to the corner of her forehead.  “That’s what I mean.  I should be focused on you.  I was stupid.”

She hummed quietly, but it wasn’t quite in agreement.  “If you weren’t being an idiot about this, I’d worry.”

He pursed his lips in thought.  “Why?”

She smiled and turned her head to look up at him.  “Because you _are_ an idiot.  And I know you don’t like endings.”

It was his turn to hum.  But he looked down at her and gently tapped her nose, like he used to do when he was Bowtie.  “Some things will never change.”

“I think it’s time for me to know.  Are the stories true?  Is this the last night we spend together?”

He sighed heavily, but couldn’t deny her the answer.  “I used to think that.  But then, your diary… and I don’t know.  Though, I would suspect this will be the only time you and _this_ me spends together.  Because with deleting myself from history, this is the only me anyone would recognise.”

River looked at her husband and took in his honesty.  A single tear slipped down her cheek.  The Doctor reached up, cupped her cheek and gently wiped the tear with his thumb.  River’s face contorted for a moment as she tried to fight back the tears.  “I think I’ll always think of this you as the ‘real you’.  This you was the perfect you for me right now.  Are you sure there’s no other way?”

He shook his head.  “There are only two things that I am sure of right now.  You are my wife.  And I love you.”

She smiled a broken smile and shifted position so she could snog him senseless.  Then the pair expressed their love for each other.  It was a slow and gentle lovemaking that lasted several hours rather than several minutes.  They ended wrapped in each other’s arms and slept peacefully.

The next morning, they woke at practically the same time to the smell of breakfast cooking.  But when they looked at each other, they realised the other wasn’t cooking it.  Each smirked at the other and at the same time spoke, “Nardole.”

They giggled softly and River rested her head on the Doctor’s shoulder as he pulled her closer into himself.  They both hummed contentedly.  And giggled again as they heard Nardole muttering to himself.  River sighed loudly.  “I suppose it would be terribly rude to ignore him and breakfast when he’s gone to all the trouble making it.”

“I’ll tell you what rude is, him just popping into our house whenever he likes.”

River giggled gently as she leant up to kiss her husband.  “Don’t act like you don’t like him doing all the domestic chores.”

He pecked her lips in return.  “Even if I did, it wouldn’t mean I like him popping in whenever.”

River smiled at her husband.  “I still think we should go and eat breakfast with him.”

He gestured to the bathroom.  “You first.”

River nodded and got out of bed to take care of things.  Then the Doctor took his turn.  After that, they each slid into their bathrobes, and made their way to the kitchen.

Nardole was in a very bubbly mood and had the table laid out with the place settings.  The Doctor frowned at the other man.  “Must you be… so… so...”

“Cheerful?”  Nardole helpfully supplied.

The Doctor groused.  “Yes.  That.”

River chuckled softly as Nardole handed the Doctor his coffee.  “Well, no reason not to be, is there?  I’ve got breakfast going, you’re both here.  Together.  Everything’s back the way it should be.”

River walked over to Nardole and kissed him on the cheek.  “It’s very sweet of you, Nardole.  And we both appreciate it.”

“Speak for yourself.”  The Doctor mumbled as he took a sip of his coffee.

Nardole wasn’t going to be deterred by the Doctor today.  “Sit. Sit. Sit.  It’s nearly ready.  I’ll dish it up.”

River smirked at her husband as she accepted her cup from Nardole and then the couple sat down.  Nardole brought the dishes over and placed one each in front of River and the Doctor.  Then he stepped back and rocked forwards and back on his feet as he waited for their verdict.

River looked puzzled as she had never seen anything like it before.  The Doctor, however, knew precisely what it was and he looked up at Nardole in shock.  “How… This can’t be!  How did you…”

Nardole shrugged.  “The TARDIS helped, of course.”  He held up his hands defensively before the Doctor got too concerned.  “We didn’t go anywhere, promise.  She had a lot of the ingredients in her stores and told me what could be substituted for the rest.”

The Doctor relaxed a bit and looked back at the meal.  River noticed he wasn’t eating and reframed from beginning.  “Sweetie, what is it?  What’s wrong?”

He looked over at River and shook his head.  “Nothing.  Nothing is wrong.  In fact, it’s very right.”  He paused for a moment as he took a deep breath.  “This is…   It was my favourite breakfast on Gallifrey.  I haven’t had this since…” he paused as he thought about it, “Well, since Susan left the TARDIS.”

River offered a small smile at him.  “You’re allowed to enjoy it, you know.  What’s it called?”

Nardole cleared his throat and leaned in to offer the answer.  “Tea-smoked figs, cinnamon and honey delight, and… eggs.  Chicken eggs.  It was the closest we had to Penopso.  I still think that ostrich would have been closer.”

The Doctor held up a hand.  “You’d be right, but this is…”  The Doctor had to pause because it was not something he would have ever made for himself.  After the conversation he had with Nardole yesterday, he didn’t feel he deserved it.  “It’s honestly more than I could have ever expected.”

Nardole clapped his hands together once, quite pleased with himself.  “Well, go on, eat up!  It doesn’t taste that good cold.”

The Doctor looked up at the part-android.  “Thank you, Nardole.  Really, thank you.”

“My pleasure, sir.”

With that, Nardole left the couple alone.  He had eaten as he had prepared the meal, so he went into the other room to read a book while they ate.

River started to eat and the Doctor continued to stare at his meal.  She chuckled softly.  “Doctor, please eat and enjoy it.”

The Doctor nodded and started with the eggs.  River let him eat a little before she started her questions.  “This is… I don’t think I’ve ever had anything like it.”

“And since I have no plans to return to Gallifrey ever again, you probably won’t.”

“Susan would make this for you then?  When you’d travel together?”

He shook his head.  “No.  Usually we just used the food replicator.  But there was this one time, we let Ian and Barbara go off on their own for a bit, so she did make it then.  Only, like Nardole said, she used Ostrich eggs.  When she left the TARDIS, I didn’t think I’d have this ever again.  It was a bit of a family recipe, you see.”

River reached a hand out and covered the Doctor’s with it.  She gave it a squeeze.  “Well, clearly the TARDIS approves of Nardole if she would share something so personal with him.”

The Doctor snorted.  “I gave up trying to understand who the TARDIS would and wouldn’t approve of a long time ago.”

She smiled at him.  “All this time together and there’s still so much I don’t know about you.”

“I know.  I’m sorry.”

River shook her head. “I’m not.  It’s like you were saying last night, we don’t know really what this last night means for us.  So, it just gives me questions I can ask of the other versions of you I meet.”  
“That isn’t quite what I meant.”  
“No, but it’s how I’m taking it.”  
“Saucy minx.”  
“Adoring husband.”  
“I love you.”  
“Me too.”

They each turned to look at each other and then pecked each other on the lips before continuing with their meal.

After they were done, they cleaned up and then found Nardole in the library nook.  River gestured to the Doctor that he should say something to Nardole.  He cleared his throat.  “Erm, Nardole.  That was a very good meal.  Thank you for making it.” He glanced back at his wife and took a step closer to the other so he didn’t have to speak as loudly.  “We’ll talk about how much information you’re garnering from the TARDIS later.”

Nardole looked concerned, but River just rolled her eyes at her husband.  “If you’re going to level threats at my body guard, husband, it might be more effective when you’re not in your jimjams.”

The Doctor looked down at himself and pulled the belt tighter across his robe.  Nardole shook his head.  “N-no.  It was plenty effective.”

River chuckled and dragged her husband away into the bedroom so they could get ready for the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY FOR THE DELAY!!
> 
> These final chapters were some of the hardest to write. Not because sad/angst – I love writing angst. But because Moffat really super-confused the timelines in ‘Extremis’ with Nardole arriving to save Missy immediately following the 24 years on Darillium while ‘Return of Doctor Mysterio’ seemed immediately following the end of Darillium too. Also, how the hell did Nardole get River’s Diary?? Gah. I’ve done my best to reconcile these things. (Which was far harder than it should have been.) But it meant that I had to completely rewrite the sections of these chapters that I had written after 'Doctor Mysterio' aired.


	34. Chapter 34

The Doctor was in the TARDIS making the last-minute preparations.  Tonight would be the last night he would spend with his wife.  They would spend it on the TARDIS after Christmas-Eve dinner.  Well, if River would let them.  She still had a Vortex Manipulator and it was anyone’s guess what she might do with it.

He had not allowed them to pack up the house.  He would have the TARDIS take care of that before he left Darillium.  As with any of his companions’ bedrooms, many of the things from the house would just be stored into a room.  Safely stored out of sight, unless he should need to visit it.  But by and large, the items would be returned to their proper places: books to his library, workshop to his workshop, the Fort….  That was too painful to think about yet.  Too many memories were tied up with the Fort.

The only thing he really had to do was ensure that ‘his diary’ that River had kept of these twenty-four years remained with him.

He was nervous.  Which was silly.  He was over two-thousand years old.  He had said good-bye to countless numbers of people.  Including his first wife.  This really shouldn’t be difficult.  Yet it was.  He hated endings and this was the worst kind of ending of all: one he couldn’t prevent and knew was coming.

Still, he would do this for her.  She had chosen him, _this_ him, to be the man she considered the ‘real’ him.  That was one of the most amazing gifts he had ever been given.  He hoped to leave her with something just as special. 

As things stood, the plan was to have dinner on the balcony and Nardole would serve them.  Mostly this was because Nardole was fairly good at reading both of them and would be able to break any tension he noticed.  Partly, it was also because the Doctor actually liked having Nardole around and it would be a good-bye to him as well.  Not that the Doctor would ever tell anyone that bit.

Nardole was helping River get ready.  River was far more nervous than she would let on.  While she was glad to get back to research, she hated the fact that her time with the Doctor was ending.  She knew the Doctor hated endings and knew the tale-spin it could put him.  She refused to let him do that to himself.

As she was putting in her earrings she looked at Nardole through the mirror and spoke seriously.  “Nardole, I need you to do something when I’ve left.

Nardole nodded, “Mum?”

“The Doctor can be an idiot.  But he’s never more an idiot than when he is alone.  He thinks he doesn’t need anyone, that he’s better off alone when he says goodbyes.  But that is the time he needs someone the most.”

Nardole had already picked up on that based on his conversations with the Doctor.  “He can be stubborn.”

River chuckled softly.  “Yes he can.  Which is why I need you to keep an eye on him.  I didn’t just teach you to pilot the TARDIS for no reason.  You need to stay with him because he has a habit of being stupid and making foolish sacrifices when he’s hurting.  But the Universe needs him.  So, if you notice him being stupid, I’m giving you full rights to kick his arse until his brain kicks in properly.”

“I don’t understand.”

River finished with her earrings and turned to face him.  “I’m not kidding.  Sometimes the Doctor needs a good slap.  Since I won’t be around to give it, I’m ordering you to.”

“Don’t suppose I can do that even if he’s not being stupid?”

River chuckled again.  “You can, but you have to warn him first that you have my permission.”

Nardole smirked a little.  “I think I can manage that.”

River nodded.  “Good.  Now, you’d better get to the restaurant.  The Doctor will be here soon.”

With that, Nardole left and River returned to finishing her preparations.

It was only a few minutes later that the Doctor entered the sitting room.  He was dressed in that same suit he had worn all those Christmases ago when they had their first dinner here.  Moments later, River exited their bedroom.  She smiled at her husband and reached out to smooth the jacket over his shoulders.  “I still love this suit, even after all these years.”

The Doctor gasped when he saw her.  Oh, everyone would tease him that he never took notice of anything.  And true, he couldn’t tell you what River was wearing.  But that didn’t matter.  The very sight of his wife dressing in a particular fashion just for him was enough.  He smiled in return and lent in to kiss her lightly.  “I’m glad.  I’ve grown fond of it myself.”  He gestured to the front door that they very rarely used for themselves.  “Shall we?”

River looped an arm around one of his with a warm smile.  “With you, everywhere.”

He pulled the door closed behind him as he guided them to the front yard where the TARDIS stood in all her glory.  She looked like she had a fresh coat of paint on.  River stopped walking and just stared for a moment.  “She’s outdone herself.”

The Doctor looked the Old Blue Box up and down.  “Well, she knows it’s Christmas.”

He didn’t want to think about the idea that this would be the last time the TARDIS would see River.  The two shared a special relationship and he knew River’s loss would be just as hard on her.  He shook his head, he couldn’t think about that right now.

When they got to the restaurant, they were shown to what they had started to call ‘their’ table on the balcony.  The Doctor helped River with her chair and then took his own seat.  Nardole came out and poured a glass of wine for each of them.  Their meal orders were prearranged, so they didn’t need menus.  

They sat in silence for a few moments.  Finally, River chuckled softly.  “This is ridiculous.  We both know what tonight means, but that’s all the more reason to enjoy it!”

The Doctor looked from his glass of wine to his wife.  “You’re right.  I’m sorry.”

She stood and held out her hand for him to take it.  He took her hand and followed where she led.  They were stood at the railing of the balcony.  She wrapped her arms around his middle and he draped one arm over her shoulder and down her back.  He pulled her close and they listened to the towers.

River’s voice wasn’t much louder than the song when she spoke.  “When we stood here, twenty-four years ago, I asked you to find a way around our last night.  You told me that every Christmas is Last Christmas.  I didn’t understand that until now.”

He held her tighter for a moment.  “And you told me that ‘Happy ever after’ just means a little time.  You taught me all about that.”

The pair looked at the towers for a long time.  The Doctor’s voice was the one to break the song this time.  “We were both wrong about something.”

River raised her head to look at him.  “What was that?”

He looked down at her with the smallest of smiles.  “Monoliths _can_ love you back.”

River huffed a wet chuckle at that.  “Yes, they can.”

The Doctor leant down and River tilted her head up and they kissed.

Nardole cleared his throat.  “Dinner is served.”

They broke apart and the Doctor rested his forehead against River’s for a moment.  “Whose idea was it to bring him along?”

River smirked.  “Both of ours.”

“His timing is worse than a child’s.”

“Then, later we’ll have to remember to lock the door.”

The Doctor grinned at that.  “Why Professor Song, are you suggesting what I think you are?”

She straightened his lapels.  “No suggesting about it.  It was rather blatant, I thought.”

Hand-in-hand they walked back to their table.  The Doctor again helped River with her chair before returning to his own.

The table had been laid beautifully and silently while they had been near the railing.  The Doctor decided that maybe he could forgive Nardole for the interruption since he hadn’t bothered them before now.  Husband and wife smiled at each other and then tucked into their meals. 

Conversation was kept somewhat neutral.  Neither of them wanted to spark an argument or remind each other of the emotions that lay hidden just under the surface.  When they finished, the Doctor held his hand out to his wife.  “Come on, we have another stop tonight.”

River raised an eyebrow at him.  “But we haven’t had afters yet.”

The Doctor grinned.  “Already been planned for.  Come on.”

He wiggled his fingers at her to encourage her to take them.  She did and they walked to the TARDIS.  The Doctor hoped Nardole had prepared everything as he had asked, or this was going to be far less impressive than he hoped.

He piloted the TARDIS to the top of one of the towers – as he had many times in their twenty-four years.  Tonight, though, would be special and not just because it was their last night together.  He parked the TARDIS and stepped out, then offered his hand to River to help her out as well.                    

Nardole had outdone himself.  The Doctor was more pleased than he could express.  There was a large and squishy cushion for them to lounge on and Nardole had erected several lattices around it and draped colourful faerie lights from them.  His guitar was in a safe place, ready and waiting for him to play.

River gasped softly as she saw the display.  “I know tonight was meant to be special, but Sweetie, this is amazing.”

The Doctor smirked.  “You really need to thank Nardole, he did the work, I just told him what I wanted.  I’m glad you like it.”

River smiled and pulled her husband into a kiss.  She spoke when she broke the kiss.  “I’ll thank him later.  Right now, I want to thank you.”

“I think you just did.”

“Don’t be smug.”

“Why not? Smug belongs to me, you know?”

“Oh, I do.”

They both chuckled softly and then took their places on the cushion to simply enjoy the lights and sounds around them.  The Doctor wrapped River up in his arms and they snuggled together.  He didn’t realise properly until this moment just how used to these small intimacies he had grown.  He was going to miss it.  Terribly.

River hummed contentedly as she closed her eyes and just enjoyed how affectionate the Doctor had become.  It felt like such a long road to get to this point, but they had many more years like this than they had of his aversion to intimacy.  In many ways, it was worth all of pain and patience of the beginning to have this now.

After nearly a half-hour, the Doctor spoke softly.  “Are you ready for dessert?”

“Not if it means moving.”

The Doctor chuckled in reply.  “Let me change the question.  Either dessert or I have a song I want to play for you.”

“In that case, dessert, for sure.”

The Doctor frowned at her tone.  “I thought you liked my playing.”

“I do, Love, but it puts you too far away.  At least if we’re eating, we can still be fairly close together.”

The Doctor shook his head in wonder.  “Even after all these years, I don’t know how you do it.”

“Do what?”

“Say something that sounds like an insult, but is really a compliment.”

“Oh, that’s easy, I just do the opposite of what you would do.”  She smirked at him and then moved to give him a proper snogging.

When she pulled away, the Doctor reached into his pocket and pulled out his sonic.  He aimed it at the TARDIS and activated it.  River scowled when nothing happened.  “What was that for?”

It was his turn to smirk.  “Patience.”

About five minutes later, the TARDIS door opened and Nardole walked out carrying a plate holding his infamous lava cake.  He set it down between River and the Doctor and then gestured to the cake.  “Sir, if you’d do the honours.”

“Of course.”  The Doctor aimed his sonic at the cake until the dark chocolate liquid started to bubble and then flow down the sides of the cake.

River laughed and clapped with delight.  “How many times did you have to practise to get that right?”

Nardole was the one to answer.  “More times than either of us care to mention.  Here are the plates and cutlery.  If you need anything else, you know how to get a hold of me.”

“We’ll be fine, Nardole.”  The Doctor was slightly brisk.  It’s not that he didn’t want Nardole around, but he didn’t want Nardole around.  He wanted tonight to be about him and River.

“Well, you never know sir.”

“I’ll call if we need anything.”  River spoke before the Doctor had a chance to.

“All right, mum.  Good night.”

“Good night, Nardole.”  The pair spoke in unison.  Though the Doctor’s tone had more of an edge of an order to it rather than fondness.

After Nardole closed the TARDIS doors, River and the Doctor chuckled quietly.  The Doctor spoke as he dished up some of the cake for each of them.  “You see?  Just like a child.”

River replied as she accepted her plate.  “He’s been a good friend to both of us, Doctor.”

The Doctor released a bit of a sigh.  “I know.  I just don’t like feeling like I’m a teenager on his first date with mum watching from the kitchen.”

River couldn’t help but laugh at that.  “I remember that trip to New York.  Early days for us.  But you were far more nervous than you needed to be.”

The Doctor hummed as he took a bite of his cake before he replied.  “Manhattan was so new for you and ancient history for me.”

River nodded.  “And you were meeting the in-laws with a new body.”

“And the new body was just getting to know you.”

She smiled around her bite before she could answer.  “I still love it, you know.”

The Doctor tilted his head in confusion as he met her eyes.  “Love what?”

“Your new body.”

“Oh, well that’s good.  Regenerating because my wife hates my body would be most humiliating.”

River was eating another bite when the Doctor said that and it made her snicker.  “Shut up.”

The Doctor finished his dessert and set his plate aside.  Then he picked up his guitar and made sure it was tuned properly.  He smirked a little as the towers started to sing just as he was ready.  He started to play as River finished her own cake.  When she was done, she moved so they were sitting back to back.  While she sometimes wanted to watch the Doctor play, tonight she wanted to simply be as near him and touching him as much as she could.

She could tell he was improvising rather than playing anything specific yet, so she decided it would be safe enough to talk with him.  “You know those stories about us you tell me I shouldn’t look up?”

He hummed in acknowledgement, although he really didn’t like where this was going already.  But he continued to play.  Her back was to him and though the bond would prevent either of them from lying, it would be easier to have this conversation without looking at her.

“I never looked up what happened after.  You.  Me.  Time.  Space.  It was hard enough knowing everything was leading to this moment.  But, this time, you’re ahead of me…”

“Spoilers.”

It wasn’t spoken as harshly as it had been all those years ago.  It was melancholy and reflective.

River didn’t gasp as she had back then.  She knew he wouldn’t tell her, even if he knew.  So, instead she went quiet, just listening to him play his guitar in accompaniment with the Towers’ song.

A few minutes later, he spoke quietly.  “You’ve given me so much that I had long since forgotten.  You taught me what living happily really means.”

“You’re saying goodbye.”

The Doctor stopped playing, set the guitar down and moved so he could face her.  Luckily River didn’t fall back when he moved.  He reached out and cupped one of her cheeks.  “I can promise that you will see me again.  I just don’t know if I’ll see you.  Not with these eyes, anyway.”

River had to protest.  “But you don’t do goodbyes.”

“There are a lot of things I don’t do, but would always do for you.”

He leant in and rested their foreheads together.  He sent all his love for her towards her.  It was overwhelming to her.  She gasped softly.  “I love you, too.”  She paused for a moment.  “Let’s go inside.”

“You sure?”

She nodded in reply.

“Okay.”

He would never deny her anything – but especially not tonight.  He pulled out his sonic and activated it.  Nardole came out a few moments later and helped them to gather things into the TARDIS.  After that, Nardole disappeared somewhere to leave the pair alone.  The Doctor went to the controls and stood by them.  He smiled at his wife.  “So, shall we stay put?”

River shook her head, a few tendrils of hair moving with the motion.  “Like you said, I’ll see you again.  Let’s go home, my Love.”

The Doctor offered her a smile, but the pain was obvious around the edges.  Still, he materialised the TARDIS in their sitting room.  It was River who led them out of the Box and towards their bedroom.  Neither made the attempt to undress the other on the way.  She closed the door behind them and did something she had never done before: locked it.  She turned to smile at her husband.  “There.  He will have to knock first.”

The Doctor chuckled softly as he shook his head and approached his wife.  He went quiet for a long moment as he just stared at her.  He wanted to remember her like this, the way this body would know her, see her, and respond to her.  River could sense what he was doing and so she remained still until he was ready.

Tonight, it was the Doctor who first undressed his wife slowly and with great reverence.  She returned the favour.  They needn’t worry about Nardole.  He left them alone the entire night.  They made love many times and in as many varying ways as they could invent. 

At long last, River fell asleep and the Doctor watched her.  A part of him was terrified to miss anything, even the slight movement of her curls as her body moved subtly with each breath.  As he watched, he wondered how he would ever sleep again without her by his side.

“Staying awake won’t stop it from coming.”

The Doctor sighed as River’s voice drifted into his awareness.  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“I don’t think you did.  I said that as much for me as for you.”

She opened her eyes and looked at her husband.  “You told me, on our first night here that every night is the last night for something.  Is that really how you go through life day in and day out?”

He was quiet for a long moment.  “It lets me move on from the really terrible things.  But you said something too: that happily ever after just means time.  A little time.  I think you’ve taught me that I can live with both.”

He offered her a gentle smile and she smiled in return.  They wrapped their arms around each other and it wasn’t long before each of them had fallen asleep.

River woke again before the Doctor did.  She watched her husband for a long time before she finally decided what to do.  She wasn’t going to put him through telling her goodbye.  She knew this was the last night they spent together, but stories were funny like that.  Maybe they meant _this_ him.  And she’d much rather have him imagine her travelling across the universe, than only thinking about his memory of her death.

Decision made, she reached her fingers and rested them against his temples.  She sent him all her love along with the command, “ _Sleep peacefully_.”  Her telepathic abilities weren’t as strong as his, but over the years, there had been several times when she could help him through one thing or another.  She watched as he noticeably relaxed further into sleep.

She now knew she would have all the time she needed to do everything she planned.  She pulled out her Darillium diary.  There were only two pages left and she planned to fill them with her love of the Doctor.  As she had told him so long ago, he was the sort of man to know exactly how long of a diary someone would need.  Once she had penned her letter, she tucked the book under the Doctor’s hand.  She dressed and made her way to the TARDIS.  Once inside, she called out “Nardole?”

“Here, mum.”

He came to her and offered a slightly watery smile.  River pulled him in for a hug.  “You’ve been a good friend to both me and the Doctor.  Don’t let him tell you any different.”

“I won’t.  Thank you for everything.”

River released him and shook her head.  “No need to thank me.  You’re going to have quite the task with the Doctor.  That will be enough.  Do you have it?”

He nodded and presented her with the vortex manipulator.  “Good for one trip, already programed for Luna University and the proper time.  And your bag.  Packed and ready to go.”

River took the device and put it on her wrist.  “Thank you.”

Nardole gave a nod, but didn’t know what else to say.  River gathered everything together and nodded to him.  She then made her way over to the console and reached over to rest her palm on the glass encasing.  “I will miss you too.  You take care of the boys.”

The hum around them grew a little louder in the affirmative.  Feeling like she had done everything necessary, River left the TARDIS and then exited the house.  She activated the vortex manipulator as she walked away, never to look back.

The Doctor woke several hours later.  He felt refreshed and full of love, but as he opened his eyes, they landed on the empty bed beside him.  Where River should have been, was her Darillium diary.  He sat straight up.  “No!  No, no, no, no, no!”

He immediately knew what had happened.  He wanted to give her one last gift: the gift of telling her goodbye properly.  And now this had happened.  He jumped out of bed and put on his pants and a pullover, but nothing else.  He ran through the house, checked every room and called out for River. 

Then he went to the TARDIS.  Once inside, he screamed for her.  After a few minutes of that, Nardole finally came out of hiding.  He was terrified of the Doctor’s emotions right now.  But he swallowed thickly.  “She came in here early this morning, Sir.  She took her vortex manipulator and left with it after saying goodbye to the TARDIS.”

The Doctor’s hurt and fury was then directed at Nardole.  He had never seen that expression before, but assumed it was one the Doctor reserved only for those he completely hated.  Nardole started to shake.  The Doctor’s voice boomed through the TARDIS.  “ **Why didn’t you stop her!?** ”

Nardole pursed his lips but decided to tell some form of the truth.  “Because this is how she wanted to leave.” 

There was something about Nardole’s reply that took the wind out of the Doctor’s sails.  He deflated a bit.  “Always her way.  I don’t know why I thought it would be any different after the time we’ve spent together here.”

He hung his head and left the TARDIS.  He returned to the bedroom and locked the door.  He curled himself around her pillow because it still smelled like her and he wept bitterly.

Nardole knew better than to bother the Doctor.  While River had given him very specific orders, he knew he would have to give the Doctor time before he could follow them properly.  But he and the TARDIS had started to get along, so she gave him a vortex manipulator that was slaved to her, so he would always be able to find them again.  She also gave some specific instructions of her own.  He knew the TARDIS would look after the Doctor in his absence, so he took the device and left to follow her orders.

It was several hours before the Doctor could leave the bedroom.  He hadn’t yet read the ‘Darillium Diary,’ because he wasn’t yet ready for River’s departure to be that real.  After he dressed, he pocketed the book in his inside breast pocket of his jacket so that it would rest close to his left heart.  Then he went to the TARDIS and made some adjustments.  Rather than having each room of their house sorted into a specific place in the TARDIS, he was just going to put the entire house into one space for now.  He wasn’t yet ready to go through everything. 

The TARDIS followed her pilot’s commands and once the house was stored away, she instructed him to return to his bedroom and make sure it was to his liking.  She had returned it to the state it had been in prior to that Christmas they were reunited with River, with the addition of a framed photograph of his wife stood on the bedside table.  He took the Darillium Diary out of his pocket and placed it next to the photo.  Then he took a long hot shower.


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I should give Kleenex warnings, so this is your warning.  
> 
> 
> * * *

The next few days, the TARDIS took the Doctor to various places that she knew he would want to check.  His twenty-four-year absence had only been slightly missed and the messes that had been created had already resolved themselves in an adequate manner.  Finally, about a week after they left Darillium, the TARDIS knew the Doctor still hadn’t read any of River’s words to him.  So she took him to Karn and dumped him on Ohila’s doorstep.

The Doctor was less than pleased to find himself on Karn.  Ohila had an ability to hold him accountable in a way no Time Lord ever could.  As they had talked about so long ago: he could trust her because he didn’t like her.  Of course, both of them knew he had been lying.  He could trust her in ways he didn’t trust anyone else.

Ohila approached him and offered a nod of her head in greeting.  “Doctor.  Are you hiding or running?”

He pursed his lips at her.  “You know I never stopped running.”

She considered his features for a long time.  “Oh.  It happened.  That story is complete.  You cannot stay here long.  The universe needs you; as do your friends.”

“I’m not sure I have friends anymore.”

She grew concerned.  This was worse than when he had hidden from Davros.  Especially since he was giving her answers of more than one word.  “We’ve had this discussion before.  Why are you really here?”

The Doctor reached into his inner breast pocket and pulled out the Darillium Diary.  “Just needed a quiet place to read.”

Ohila hummed, unsure if she wanted to believe him or not.  He looked up at her with an expression that was akin to begging.  At that point, she decided he must be telling the truth.  He rarely, if ever, begged for anything.  Usually, he just found a way to make what he wanted happen.  She nodded to him.  “Very well.  Your cave is still available.”

“Thank you.”  With that, he moved toward the cave he had stayed in when he was hiding from Davros.

Ohila watched him go.  She instructed the other Sisters to leave the Doctor alone for the time being.  After all, he would talk when he was ready. 

She had known the Doctor’s first wife before he had.  She had met him through her.  While they didn’t quite operate in the same circles, she had kept an eye out for him.  She had moved to Karn long before the Time War broke out, but that didn’t mean she was unaware of the Doctor’s adventures.  When he left Gallifrey, news had reached her and she knew why he had run.  When the Time Lords punished the Doctor by forcing him to regenerate, she wept for him.  When he had faced the Master in the Matrix, she had done what she could to help without leaving Karn.  When he faced the Valeyard at his trial, she had rushed back to Gallifrey to try to put an end to it.

While the Doctor would rarely, if ever, call her a friend, she had always considered him worthy of protecting.  He clearly understood that now, since this was the second time he had come here to seek some form of solace.  She would do what she could for him, though she knew there wasn’t much time.  Something was moving through the universe.  She feared that it would lead to the Doctor’s death.  Something she was keen to prevent, if she possibly could.

Several days went by.  It was the Doctor who went to Ohila, in the end.  He went to her chambers and sat on the bottom-most step of the platform where she sat in her chair.  He curled his arms around himself – as he huddled into a little ball.  She waited in silence.  Finally the Doctor spoke, his words were so soft, she could barely hear him.  “I miss her.”

She knew he had suffered many losses over his long lives, so rather than assuming, Ohila hummed quietly.  When the Doctor said nothing more, she queried.  “Which ‘her’?”

The Doctor allowed a small smirk to pass his features.  Ohila knew him well and knew to not take his words at face value.  “All of them.  But right now,” he stopped.  He couldn’t say her name.  Even thousands of years later, he couldn’t say it.  Instead, he simply shook his head.

Ohila gasped softly.  A part of her had expected him to say the name.  She understood when he didn’t and knew exactly whom the Doctor meant.  She offered the only words she could in the face of that moment.  “Grief compounds grief.  When you experience one loss anew, you experience all the previous losses as well.”

He huffed.  “I’ve billions of years of losses.  You’d think I’d be used to it now.”

She reached out and rested a hand on his shoulder.  Her voice was gentle.  “That only means you have that much loss beyond everyone else.”

“How much time was it for you?”

Ohila was nearly caught off-guard by his non-sequitur question, even though a part of her expected it from him.  “You know time doesn’t pass the same for us as it does for everyone else.”

“How long?”  He stressed the two words as if each were a statement unto themselves.

“From the time you left Gallifrey, until now?  Twenty-five years.  As humans would measure it.”  She offered the answer, even though she knew that wasn’t what he asked.  Finally, she relented.  “From the time you left Karn, until I saw you again on Gallifrey; about six months.”

The Doctor started to chuckle at the revelation.  Then the chuckle turned into a manic laughter, but it lacked any sense of humour to it.  Ohila was concerned, but let him have his time.  He didn’t fall into bitter tears like she had expected.  Instead he slowly calmed himself.  When he could finally speak he looked at her.  “How did you know?”

“My decision to return to Gallifrey was simple.  I knew that Rassilon had commanded you be captured.  I knew if anyone would find a way to defeat the Dial, it would be you.  Beyond that, immortality is not the only secret the Sisterhood brought to Karn.”

The Doctor pursed his lips.  “So, you have your secrets and I have mine.  What is my next step?”

Ohila was quiet for a long moment.  She tilted her head and considered him.  “She liked to write in her diary.  You enjoy reading.  I would think it would be obvious.”

He looked up at her and nearly made to argue.  She held up a finger to stop him.  “Your time is growing short.  The Stewards of the Fatality Index require your presence.  It won’t take them long to seek you here and while we could stop Colony Sarff, the Stewards will not be so easily deterred.”

He shrugged in reply.  “I have plenty of entries, they’ll leave me alone if they know what’s good for them.”

She offered a mild glare.  “One day, Doctor, your arrogance will be the death of you.”

“Well, then I’ll hope that Davros is right instead of you.”

She pulled a face, since she had not expected that.  “Why?”

“Because if I have a choice between arrogance and compassion killing me, I’ll take compassion.”

She smirked.  “When it comes to you, I believe the two are linked.”  She paused and when he didn’t say anything, she continued.  “Doctor, no one else can do this for you.”

“I am aware.”

“Then go and do what you need to do.  We have looked after the universe for you as best we could, but you are needed.”

He wasn’t sure he believed her.  But he nodded once, stood, and returned to his cave.

He waited three hours before he reached out and took up the diary.  It took him another hour before he could open it.  His previous incarnation would tear out the last page.  This time around, he enjoyed reading and research.  This meant that sometimes, he didn’t read the entire book and others, he didn’t even read the book in order.  With the diary in particular, he knew which part he was meant to read first.  He opened it to the last few pages, found the entry dated “Christmas Day, 5367,” and began to read.

He was careful to not let any tears fall onto the pages.  This was the last memory he had of his wife and he didn’t want to spoilt with his own emotions.  He traced the writing with his finger tip, but didn’t actually touch the writing.  Again, he was afraid if he touched it, it might smear and he’d lose this last contact he had from his wife. 

When he finished reading he closed the book and held it to his lips to kiss it.  He inhaled slowly and could catch the faintest whiff of River’s fragrance.  He tried to memorise it, since he knew that smell would soon fade.

Several hours later he exited the cave.  Ohila was waiting for him.  She could tell by the Doctor’s expression that he had completed the task he had come to Karn to do.  She nodded at him with approval.  Then she handed him a small scroll.  He raised his eyebrow at her but did not speak.

“Coordinates.  Your presence is requested.”

He took the scroll, looked at it, sighed, and started to make his way to the TARDIS.  Ohila called to him.  “Doctor.  That story might be over, but there are chapters of your book yet to be written.”

He looked off at something unseen in the distance and then he offered her a faint smile.  “It’s not about the story.”

Ohila gave him a confused expression.  “It’s not?”

“No.  When you least expect it, but always when you need it the most, there is a song.  It’s about the music.  There’s always music.”

With that, he entered the TARDIS, input the coordinates, and the sound of the Universe faded from Karn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for being on this very long journey with me. I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it and sharing it with you.


End file.
